Title: Lost and Found

Author: OpheliacAngel

Pairing: Sam/Gadreel

Genres: Romance/Hurt/Comfort

Rating: Teen

Summary: Finding the car wasn't difficult. The door was open, door handle and driver seat slick with blood. Gadreel's blood.

A/N: Written for Elisexyz for Sadreel Secret Santa Exchange for their prompt of Sam taking care of Gadreel. Spoilers for Season 9's 'Do You Believe in Miracles?' So instead of Sam and Cas going to find Gadreel, in my version it's just Sam.

Soundtrack: Day of Fire's 'Fade Away'

~Hey, don't wanna run no more

Hey, must find an open door

Hey, ask him to step inside

Hey, I'm tired of this life

I don't wanna waste away

Like I saw myself fading yesterday

I don't wanna feel the shame~

When Sam came back to find that Gadreel was gone something wouldn't sit right in him.

Cas was hell-bent on finding Dean and Crowley so Sam let him go, realizing that he would have to be the one to go after Gadreel. The reasons were numerous: Gadreel had saved his life by healing him and he owed him for that; Gadreel had come over to their side and Dean had punished him for it and Sam had to show some form of gratitude; Gadreel was possibly hurt badly and Sam couldn't just leave him out there.

Then there was the reason to let Gadreel stay gone: Kevin. He had a lot of resentment toward the angel for that, something which had caused all his problems with Dean. But he couldn't fight with Dean anymore, couldn't keep on pushing him away. Which meant improving relations with Gadreel.

There was also the fact that the angel knew him inside and out like no one else did. There were things Sam couldn't share with his brother, things he had to talk to Gadreel about. As if he cared about them, as if he cared about Sam.

In the end, Sam went after Gadreel.

Finding the car wasn't difficult. The door was open, door handle and driver seat slick with blood. Gadreel's blood. Sam swallowed, raised his gun and searched through the park. Within moments he caught sight of outstretched legs and inched forward, finding Gadreel laying on his back, bleeding heavily behind a cluster of bushes. Sam continued to creep forward, unsure if the angel was conscious or even still alive, given his eyes were closed. He needn't have wondered. Gadreel opened his eyes and caught sight of Sam before he came too near, his eyes widening with fear. He struggled to get up, panicking when he realized he was too weak to lift himself.

"Don't hurt me, please." His voice was laced with pain, and Sam realized he was pointing a gun at a practically defenseless angel and put it down and away. "I promise I will leave you and your brother alone." That wasn't what Sam wanted, but if Gadreel wanted it then he had no right to stand in his way. The angel had come to them of his own free will and Sam didn't even know how to begin to apologize for Dean's behavior. Gadreel deserved to get knocked down a few pegs after Kevin but this… Sam swallowed heavily at the damage, at Gadreel's bloody shirt and his mutilated face, he would never have wished this on him.

He felt horribly guilty at the fear in Gadreel's eyes, especially since it was clear the angel was in considerable pain. Sam still felt rage for what Gadreel had done, but to see an angel scared of him, fearing Sam could and would hurt him further, it unnerved him. Now that he was unarmed he pushed forward and laid a steadying hand on the angel's shoulder, showing he meant him no harm. "Relax. I'm not going to hurt you."

Gadreel stared at Sam in disbelief but seemed to believe him, no longer trying to sit up. "Your brother….?"

"He's gone. Cas went off to find him. Figured someone had to go and find you," he smiled and offered a hand to Gadreel. It surprised him that the angel was so trusting when a minute ago he believed Sam had followed him to finish the job, but Gadreel let Sam help him sit up and lean against the closest tree. Gadreel winced, resting against the hard bark at his back and allowing Sam to unbutton his bloody shirt, examining the extent of the damage the first blade, Dean, had caused. Sam winced up at Gadreel in sympathy but the injured angel didn't look at him, not even when Sam poured antiseptic over the gashes in his chest. He just winced and turned his head, leaving Sam at a loss. He did look down at Sam when he placed a hand on the angel's chest where he wasn't injured, holding him in place. It was Sam who didn't look up at him then, burying himself in his work.

He dreaded when he had to take a good look at Gadreel's face. The angel was no longer inside him and therefore had no way of knowing what Sam was thinking, but Gadreel would no doubt still know the not-so-careful trail of his thoughts. That and the heavy silence between them.

"You must be worried about Dean," Gadreel offered. The truth was, Sam didn't want to talk about Dean right now. He didn't want to think about him either because that meant worrying about him and obsessing over his own mistakes and he just wanted to be out of his head for a while, taking care of someone other than himself or Dean. If worrying about Gadreel was the only thing available to him, then he would grab onto it and hold on for as long as he could, at least until Cas found his brother.

Sam unrolled a package of gauze. "Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about what my brother did to you." That was the least he could give him. That and be done with it, he figured. When Cas came back he would heal Gadreel and they wouldn't have to think about this again. Sam wouldn't have to think about his missing brother and the harm he could have done and the fact that he was so tired. So tired with everything.

"I'm not looking for an apology, Sam Winchester."

So formal. This angel had been inside him and he could throw insults at Sam, gloat in all of Sam's darkest details and desires and he had every right to, but Gadreel was simply sitting back and letting Sam take care of him. He didn't tell Sam to leave and he didn't tell him to stay either. Sam was the one in control now but the weight of that didn't exhaust him. It didn't even faze him.

Sam felt a wave of sickness wash through him. All the fury and betrayal and hurt, everything he could no longer stand to face. He betrayed you and killed Kevin. You should leave him here, leave him here to die. Sam countered. He also saved my life. He brought me back from the dead and healed me. Sam thought about just helping him and then leaving, that would be payment enough, especially when he got Cas here to heal him, but he couldn't get a grip and do this. He had to take Gadreel back to the bunker and do something more, make sure he was okay, make sure he was okay and then….

"What I don't understand is why you do not hate me. You have every cause to and more."

Sam looked up at him then. Gadreel's eyes were still filled with pain but this pain was no longer just physical. This was something deeper, a deeper hurt that Sam had caused, somehow, without necessarily meaning to.

"I don't hate you, Zeke, I.…" He almost covered his mouth when he realized what he had let slip out. He had been thinking about, well, the word was probably pining after Gadreel for weeks and now he knew. Maybe he had known before, heard Sam pray to him to come back. Maybe the question the angel asked was the reason for bringing him back. "You've been inside me, okay?" He tried to explain his own reasoning in the least traumatic way possible. The truth was: everything was still traumatic for Sam, and he suspected he needed help from Gadreel to work his way through it. "The things that you know about me, hell, I don't even think my own brother knows. Does it... bother you? To have to live with all my problems, all my thoughts, all my feelings?"

Gadreel took his hand as he was in the middle of tearing off a strip of gauze. "Not in the least." Sam swallowed at his intense stare but wouldn't look away. "Sam, you are... strong inside. And beautiful. Even if you had been able to hide a part of yourself away from me, there is nothing inside you worth hiding. Everything you are, even your darkness, has made you into the man you are today. So, in answer to your question, no, it does not bother me. It amazes me. That you are still breathing, still fighting, still defending your brother with every breath."

Sam wiped his eye with a swipe of his hand. Gadreel still held his other, lightly, a thumb brushing over Sam's knuckles like he knew Sam's heart and soul and he did. "I love my brother."

"I know," Gadreel reassured. "I do not fault you for that love. It is human and thus it is pure. I have seen your view of his weaknesses, your resentment toward him, that you see his nature as selfish and hurtful, yet I do not doubt your love. Dean is a lucky man, to have someone who loves him so deeply. And you are fortunate as well, you have his love. And mine," Gadreel added.

It was the way he talked, the way his words flowed together like a song that convinced Sam and held him there, in place, slowly starting to come back to himself. Castiel may have gripped his shoulder, or given him a hug, or even cupped his cheek with a hand, yet even though Gadreel did none of this Sam wasn't left wanting. Gadreel's smile and words were affectionate enough, the way his eyes lit up when Sam began to bandage his wounds, as if he wasn't left wanting either.

Sam cleared his throat. "You mind that I called you Zeke?"

"No," Gadreel confirmed. Sam almost believed Gadreel would call him Sammy, but he knew that honor was reserved for Dean and Gadreel respected that. He tore off a piece of his shirt and pressed it to a gash on Gadreel's forehead, trying to stop the blood flow. "Sam, your… forgiveness…?"

"You have it," Sam whispered. "It's taken me a long while to get here, and I can't say I still don't hate you for Kevin. But… I get that you lost your way. It's kinda a recurring theme in my life."

Gadreel coughed wetly. "Then I am honored to have it. Yet I am more honored to know you, Sam. You are a good man. While I may have agreed to heal your body for other reasons, personal reasons, never doubt that I was proud that I was chosen to heal you. I would never have… abandoned you. Not until the job was done. Not until I was sure your body would continue to heal on its own. I… realized when you found out about me that you might want me gone. Too much pain."

Sam didn't know what to say to that. In a way Gadreel being here was painful, but not in the way the angel thought. Gadreel's bandages were already getting soaked through, so he decided he better figure this all out later. "You think we can get you in the car and back to the bunker?"

The angel looked up and smiled at him, split lip that had just stopped leaking bleeding again. Sam brushed away the trail of blood with his thumb and once more offered Gadreel a hand, a hand to help him up, a hand to bring him back where he belonged. It was as much a hand for Sam too, someone to fall on, someone who looked at him and already knew everything. That was powerful, not having to say anything, not having to explain himself.

Sam didn't know what awaited him at the bunker, or tomorrow, or a week from now, but he did know that he wasn't letting Gadreel get away so easily again.

Not when he had found him.

FIN