I have nothing to say about this.
Written to flush out writer's block, what, three years ago now? When I was still working on the Parting of the Ways, chapter 10 or 11, if I remember correctly. Yes, you need to have read Help from Another World to understand this. Yes, you'll have to thank Alone on the Water for asking me to post this one.
Yes Boromir does die in this one
Yes Leo is awesome.
No I do not apologize.
I shall say nothing else.
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Toss me a review and gather around,
For a story I'll tell, and sing the praise
A tale of the Age of the Ring to astound
A tale of our saviour, Leo Valdez!
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The forest was quiet, Death prowled through the woods,
Sorrow was heavy, regret filled the air.
For the Fellowship of the Ring was shattered
And Boromir had gone to a land fair
.
Annabeth, Frodo, Sam, the Ring, missing!
A tear-stained note pointing a world away,
Vanished too was Thalia, Merry, Pippin,
Captured and heading the opposite way!
.
O what grief, what despair, what loneliness,
Coursed through the ones abandoned, bereft!
Left behind to mourn, to think, to decide
Torn by the duties of East and the West.
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Amidst many corpses Boromir lay,
Two dozen orcs with expressions of fright,!
His body needled with five arrow shafts,
A testament to his prowess and might!
.
A worthy sendoff this great man needed
Through the worlds like a shots from a bow
The summons picked Leo, Leo Valdez
Armed with a hammer and some expresso
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The device took shape, hulking, powerful
Boasting mighty springs bound to give results
(And a drinks machine no one noticed)
Leo Valdez's Funeral Catapult©!
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Boromir's coffin reverently placed,
Upon the catapult's mighty lever,
Aragorn gave a speech, Nico blessed it
Then they broke out wine and pushed the lever!
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With a mighty thwack the coffin vanished!
Naught but a shape silhouetted in sky!
His companions gave a solemn salute
Then got dead drunk and had a good cry.
.
The coffin streaked across the darkened sky
Faster than anything that had gone before!
Boromir's spirit both whooped and screamed
As the coffin careened straight for Gondor!
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Crash! it smashed straight into Gondor's throne room!
Where Denethor got himself a heart attack!
It landed in the Houses of Resting
The son of Gondor was finally back!
.
The catapult was really fun as hell!
Of course Percy wanted to try again!
They decided that they needed more ammo!
So Leo opened the portal again!
.
Isengard got a rude awakening
When Thalia and co showed up with a tank!
King Theoden was knocked into his senses
When an apple smashed into his head, point blank!
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And so it was that the Great Eye, Sauron
Found to his great, profound consternation
A piano, a car, some crates of salmon
fireworks flying past his field of vision.
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Sharp Annabeth realized their path was clear
For a Finger of Foam had poked the Great Eye
She hotwired the BMW
That had just landed before their eyes!
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They fired fireworks at hapless orcs!
The grand piano knocked down Minas Morgul!
The cow died on impact so they had steak!
The submachine gun shot down a Nazgul!
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A fallen megaphone amplified her screams,
They Were so loud that the great Spider fled!
They met Gollum, who was then lured away
By crates of salmon they threw past his head!
.
They drove straight up to the great Cracks of Doom,
Where Annabeth got a very nice tan!
Frodo dropped the Ring into the fire
Lava toasted marshmallows on a pan!
.
Thus was the End of the Dark Lord Sauron
Thus is the end of this poor bard's case
Of the quickest quest in Middle Earth
Of whom the hero is Leo Valdez
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Chapter 23 of the real story is coming real soon, around this week, don't worry!
This story is marked complete now, but might be added if I feel like it. Writing crack, drabbles or stuff thats related to Help from Another World but not actually relevant enough to be in the story. Basically if I get writer's block I'll add to here.
Hope this got a good laugh out of you, haha. Who knows, I might turn this into an actual story with dialogue and stuff. It'll be fun.