Everything was going to hell.

Maki Nishikino looked at herself in the mirror, and barely recognized the woman staring back at her. It wasn't just the giveaway Cal Golden Bears sweatshirt and faded jeans, clothes she wouldn't have been caught dead in a couple of years ago. It wasn't the bags beneath her eyes, or the uncombed mess of her hair, or the scowl she had on her face. No, it was everything about her combined, as if she had aged twenty years, as if all the life fluids she once had were being squeezed out. Monday mornings on four hours of sleep did that to you.

She had forgotten that her qualifying exams were on her birthday, in three days. It was the worst birthday present she ever received, counting the ant farm. She had to practically memorize at least a dozen papers, and answer any esoteric questions a coterie of professors could throw at her. If she failed, well, she would have just one more chance until her life as she knew it would be over. Her brief career as a graduate student and scientist-in-training would come to an end, and she would be thrown back out into the vagaries and vicissitudes of "real life." That would be terrible, which was why she had to prepare, and why she stayed up until four AM last night (morning?). She should have known what was coming in the morning, but the dead of night had a will of its own. She should have learned from the past few weeks or months or years, but she never did.

And there was Kotori. Yes, Kotori her girlfriend who had already put up with so much from her for no good reason only to get back this mess of a human being. Kotori with whom she had shared this tiny studio apartment for more than a year now, who slept at 10 PM and woke up at 6 AM every day, who would get ready for work as Maki hid with her laptop under her blanket desperately coding for the last eight hours, who made at least twice as much as Maki, who was the reason they could even afford this apartment. This morning Kotori had already left to go to her startup job in San Francisco. It was like every other morning for her.

Today was a meeting with her advisor, which was the only reason Maki got up before noon. She splashed some cold water on her face, but she didn't feel much more awake. After having her coffee and eating a banana and a slice of toast, she left her house and walked down to campus. It was a gray morning, like every single morning in Berkeley. The hills along the route felt steeper than usual. The streets were quiet; the undergrads must have been still in bed.

It was during her walk that her phone started to vibrate.

"Hello?", she tried to say without sounding too annoyed. Who the hell would call at eight in the morning?

"Hey, Maki! It's been a super long time! How are you doing?" It was an energetic voice speaking in Japanese. Maki shook the phone and looked at the screen. She didn't recognize the number. Wait…

"Honoka? Is that you?"

"Yay! I'm so glad you remembered! I was afraid you'd have forgotten by now. Anyway, we're going to San Francisco this week for your birthday! You and Kotori are living together now, right? We can have our reunion! All nine of us together again, how about that? Won't that be something special?"

"Wait, what? How can you just decide to come here?"

"Um, sorry for not talking to you earlier," said another voice. It must have been Hanayo. "But is it okay with you two? Sorry, Honoka just decided this a few days ago and we already bought plane tickets."

"Sorry, but I have my qualifying exam that day. Go play in San Francisco by yourselves. Maybe we can do something the day after."

"Um, okay, sorry! We'll be staying for four days so we can still do something! Let's decide that later." There was static as if the phone is being thrown around. "(hey, Nico, don't just take the phone! No- you-) We'll see you soon!"

Maki hung up. It was strange how her past had a habit of catching up to her at the most inappropriate moments. But perhaps she shouldn't have been surprised. She knew Kotori was still talking to her old friends, even if Maki was forever reluctant to join in. In America, Maki hadn't spoken about her high school life to anyone, not that anyone would care to listen. She thought that past was behind her now. First of all, it was unbefitting of a scientist to be an idol of any kind. Second of all, she was honestly sort of embarrassed about the whole thing, and Maki was not one to forget her embarrassing moments. Third of all, she worried that her friends would feel that she had abandoned them. It was true that she hadn't taken any initiative to talk to the others after their disbanding. She had always been bad at talking to people in any situation, and the distance made it all worse.

But here they were, calling her out of the blue. Probably they had called Kotori long before. And of course Kotori would have said nothing to her.

"Your girlfriend called me actually. She said you needed a personal day this Friday, and I agree with her. Let's move the quals back by a week."

Maki's advisor was a serious-looking Chinese woman named Alice Zhang. She was an assistant professor not much older than Maki herself, a servant at the altar of tenure, and she had a habit of leaving her lab coat on as she left for the train station after spending ten hours in the lab. While she was never rude to Maki, unlike some professors, she had always expected much of her students, which was why it was such a surprise that she would ever let Maki off like this.

"Wait… she called you? Really?"

Alice laughed. "Yes! She said that you haven't been taking care of yourself lately, and she was worried about your health. So nice of her to care so much about you, don't you think?"

Maki felt like blushing. Then she felt a strange mix of embarrassment and anger. How dare Kotori imply that she couldn't take care of herself? Why did Kotori have to interfere in her life, as if she was her mother or something? And now her advisor knew way too much about her personal life than was necessary.

Alice continued. "Anyway, you still have to prepare for the presentation and read all the papers, but for now you should just keep working on the project. And you can take it easy for a while, but not too easy."

"Um, thanks."

Mai went back to her desk in the lab. Her project now was mostly computational data analysis, which was not what she had signed up for. Thankfully the others in the lab were more than willing to help her, even after a few weeks or months of her refusing all help.

There was some sort of tension in the apartment that night, Maki felt. Neither of them were ever people who could state their feelings outright, but that night was worse than usual, as if both of them had put up their mental walls even higher than usual. Before Kotori had arrived home Maki had already started preparing their meal. Surprisingly enough this was an act of passive-aggression, since Kotori actively tried to exclude Maki from the kitchen most of the time. Maki thought that their cooking lessons last year had gone well, but apparently Kotori was never satisfied.

"Oh, you don't have to cook! I can take it from here," Kotori said as soon as she took off her shoes.

"I can handle it today. Thanks for calling my advisor by the way."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that…"

"What's there to be sorry about? It's just a good thing she's a nice person."

"Yeah… I didn't know if I should have said that I was my girlfriend. She asked me first."

Of course Kotori wouldn't know that Alice was married to another woman and they were even having a baby. But even so Maki had never been comfortable talking about her personal life with her, or with anyone for that matter.

"I guess it all turned out fine." Kotori didn't interrupt Maki's cooking anymore. It was hard for Maki to stay actively upset at Kotori for a long time. Her soft voice always managed to soothe Maki's heart. And she genuinely meant well. Nevertheless, there was always a kernel of resentment within Maki.

Maki felt that Kotori felt that the were cut too thick, the rice too dry. But at least she was eating, so there was no point talking about it. It was easy to make this dish not taste horribly, which of course was why Maki made it.

"Did you know that Honoka and the rest of them were coming here?", Maki asked.

"Yeah. Sorry, I should have told you earlier. We wanted a surprise birthday party, but once I knew you had your exams,…"

"So I told them. Maybe you can tell them that the exam was moved?"

"Why don't you tell them?"

"Because it would be awkward!"

Kotori sighed. "Alright. I'll call Honoka."

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine."

There were only two days until her birthday, two days until they would arrive, two days until either the best or worst day of her life. Maki tried to focus on her work, but it was difficult. She tried to push everything out of her mind except strings and RNA structure, but she could not keep the impending party or gathering or whatever it was out of her mind. It made her nervous and anxious, even more so than usual. Worries bubbled up in her mind as she tried to debug her scripts without success. It had been a long time since one of those days.

Before she met Kotori again she thought that she had gotten used to being alone. After moving in together, she had adjusted to the rhythms of her new life with a speed that alarmed even her. Was she taking Kotori for granted? Probably. Honestly she was the worst girlfriend and wondered why Kotori would ever stay with someone like her. She hadn't improved herself after they started dating. She became complacent, remaining the same or regressing further into childishness, and she was dragging Kotori down along with her. And what would the others think once they see what a pathetic person she had become? What a pathetic person she always was? Time to list all the things she hated about herself. Arrogance. Selfishness. Refusing to ask for help even as she completely relies on others. Endless rumination and self-pity.

"Huh. It worked."

It was strange how the little things could leave her feeling so much better, but the lack of an error message on the terminal dispelled most of her self-doubts, at least for a short while. Now she had to check that the results actually made sense. Of course they didn't, and Maki's mood sunk once again. She wondered if a career in science really was for her. She still had no publications since she was an undergrad. And if science was not for her, then what was? It wasn't as if she was good at anything else.

Her birthday was in one day and next week was quals. She repeated her calendar to herself, as if just knowing the dates would make it easier to deal with. On the day before they arrived Kotori and Maki had spent all evening preparing snacks and a meal for them. Kotori wanted them to visit the apartment, even though they would have to squeeze to fit inside. Maki thought that was a bad idea, but she didn't disagree. She was so, so tired.

Kotori woke her up early on the fated day, not that she was able to sleep at all. She was nervous, her mind churning through all the ways everything could fail and ruin her forever, all the ways her true self could be revealed for the pathetic mess it was. When Kotori kissed her, her doubts faded as she let her mind be overcome, but it only lasted for a moment. She was too tired for this, for everything.

The sun was just barely out when they left, the sky a lighter shade of gray. The station and the trains were mostly empty, as it was only one of the first few trains of the day. It was an hour until they would arrive, ample time for Maki to stew in her insecurities.

"It's going to be fine," Kotori said, even as Maki said nothing for the whole train ride. Maki was not fine, but she was not in the mood to talk, as her mind was twisted into knots of anxiety. What would she say when she met them? What if after this time they all changed? Would her old friends despise her for abandoning them? Would they still even feel anything after all this time? And what would Kotori think, if her reunion went wrong because of her? She wanted to see them, right?

The flight from Japan was the only international flight arriving around that time. Maki and Kotori watched as passengers emerged in clumps. Just as Maki yawned and closed her eyes, she felt the force of a hug-tackle from the back.

"Maki! Kotori! We're so glad to see you! Happy birthday Maki!"

"Hey! Don't surprise me like that!" Rin was still the same excitable little furball. And out came Hanayo, Honoka, Umi, Eli, Nozomi, and Nico giving some sort of glare from the back. Everyone had changed, but somehow they had all stayed recognizable. Honoka ran up to hug Kotori, and Umi followed her, shouting to not trip. Hanayo gave Maki an awkward hug, and then came hugs with Eli and Nozomi and Nico. "Wow it's been so long, how are you?" "Um, fine, I guess?" "Happy birthday!" "Um, thanks." More hugs. Laughter. Smiles all around. Everyone was the same (except her). It was if nothing had changed, except her, as if the intervening years hadn't passed, as if it was only a moment since they last met. Maki's sleepiness mixed with her anxiety, making her head light and her heartbeat rise. Smile, Maki, she tried to remind herself. Remember how to speak. Pretend to be human.

"Don't forget we still need to get our luggage!", Eli shouted over the din of the reunion.

"So, do you guys have a hotel?", Maki asked, as they waited at the carousel. Think, Maki. Just say something.

"Um, no, haha," Honoka said while rubbing her head. "I thought we could stay at your place."

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Um, yeah… haha. It's America so you all have big houses, right?"

Maki glared at Honoka, and then looked over at Kotori, who just shrugged.

"Honoka I told you we should have asked!", Umi yelled. "I just hope it's not too late to get enough hotel rooms."

"AirBnB might still be fine?"

"Or we could just sleep on the streets! Like in that one movie!"

"No, are you kidding? God, why did we let Honoka plan this?"

In the midst of the accusations, Kotori raised her voice. "It's not so bad. Our apartment can probably only hold two more people. At most three. We could decide this later but it will be fine."

"Thanks, but we need a place to store the luggage now," Umi said. "How far away is your house, anyway?"

"An hour by train," Maki said. "Let's just get the hotel rooms now."

Fortunately there were open rooms in some cheap motels close to the airport (relatively cheap for San Francisco of course). Maki almost worried that they wouldn't have enough US dollars, but thankfully that wasn't a problem.

Now they had to plan what to do. The Golden Gate Bridge! Chinatown! Unfortunately none of them knew any other places in San Francisco. Kotori started listing off the typical tourist traps: Golden Gate Park, Fisherman's Wharf, and so on. What about Berkeley? How would they get anywhere? Did they rent a car? No, of course they didn't. What was the point when Uber existed? Everyone was shouting. Maki's head was hurting as she fought to stay conscious through this mess.

"What do you want to do, Maki?", Hanayo asked as everyone else shouted over her. Eyes turned toward Maki.

"Huh? Oh, um, anything's fine."

"But it's your birthday! You should decide!"

"Sorry, I really have no idea…"

"Sorry, maybe we this was a bad time, maybe we can do something tomorrow-"

"No, it's fine. You guys can decide where to go. I've been to most of these places anyway."

Why did they look at her like that, Maki wondered. Why did they look at her with such concern when they didn't give a fuck about her when she needed them the most- no, that was wrong, she was the one who abandoned them, she was the one who conveniently forgot all about her old friends and acted as if they didn't exist, as if she had been alone for her entire life.

"How about we head over to our apartment first?", Kotori suggested. "Maki didn't sleep much last night."

"No, I'm not that tired, you don't have to-"

"It's fine! Maki, it's your birthday. You can do whatever you want."

"Yeah! What do you want to do, Maki?"

Maki's headache was getting worse and worse. The airport was getting more and more crowded. Noise. Voices. People. They were looking at her, her old friends, staring at her as if attempting to tear away the shrouds that she surrounded herself with. She glanced at Kotori, as she stood smiling and chatting with Umi and Honoka. Save me, Maki wanted to say. For whatever reason she felt like crying. She could feel the tears gather up in her eyes. As if anything could make this more embarrassing.

"Are you okay, Maki?"

"Of course I'm fine! It's just-"

Her head grew lighter. The lights grew brighter. Ideas and images and words floated through her thoughts, streams of paper and pictures and faces and gay shit and code and computers and molecules and people and everything swirling and colliding, guilt and anxiety and despair and loneliness and all those garbage emotions that she had no right to feel, her empty shell of a self hurtling towards an empty future. Somehow it all came together, becoming one convoluted vortex of everything that was wrong with her. And in the end, there was nothing, just the lights above, getting brighter and brighter as her thoughts faded away. It was sort of ridiculous. Was that how it would feel to die?

Maki Nishikino woke up to the smell of Febreze and broken dreams. It was a familiar odor, dank in a not-quite-comforting way, accompanied by the creaking of the springs of her bed as she turned, the sirens of a distant ambulance, and shuffling footsteps, more footsteps than usual.

"Is she awake?"

Maki's eyes opened to a familiar view. She was home, for whatever reason. Kotori stood over her, and there were two others at the counter. She was still tired, and she closed her eyes once more.

"It's okay, Maki," Kotori said.

"What's okay…" Maki's voice slurred as she tried to either wake up or go back to sleep. More creaking from the bed.

"You must have been really tired!" Was that Rin's voice? Funny how Maki could still tell it was hers.

"Sorry…" Hanayo's soft voice, still recognizable. "It was our fault. If we had known you were so tired we could have done something else."

"Sorry…" Maki repeated. She remembered fragments of dreams, or were they dreams? Memories of more trains, taxis, clouds and fog breaking to let the blue sky shine through to the bay. She remembered what happened in the airport, and she wanted to cry. She hadn't cried in what must have been years. But then she remembered that she had her quals next week. Oh god it was time to study-

"Are you feeling better now?", Kotori asked.

"Huh? Oh." Maki was awake, sort of. "Not really. Well, maybe a little bit." And then Maki started to cry. The worst part of it was how embarrassing it all was. Had she ever cried in front of her girlfriend (possibly soon-to-be ex-girlfriend) before? Had anyone in Muse seen her cry, even back in high school? She was ashamed, and tried to cover herself up beneath her blanket, and curl up in a ball and lie there until the sun swallowed up the Earth.

Despite Maki's attempts to teleport to Venus she felt Kotori's very earthly hands on her side. "Hey, Maki, do you want to talk about anything?"

Through her sobs Maki barely managed to get two words out. "Do… you?"

"Maybe now's not a good time."

Maki felt her heart sink. It was going to be that conversation. She wanted to turn herself into an ant right there and then. No, if it was going to be that, it had better come now, at her lowest point. She couldn't sink any lower if she fell into the Marianas Trench. So she turned around and faced Kotori, tears still dripping, and grasped her hand. "Tell me," Maki said, her voice trembling like she was in some soap opera.

Kotori shook her head and grinned ever so slightly. She spoke with the voice of an elementary school teacher. "No, it's not what you're thinking. I'm not going to break up with you."

Any semblance of dignity Maki once had collapsed with Kotori's words. She laughed, while her tears still flowed, a laugh tinged with bitterness and anxiety like everything else she did.

"It's just that I feel like neither of us are good at talking to each other," Kotori began, resuming her normal, non-elementary-schoolteacher voice. "Maybe if we tried to understand each other better, it wouldn't have come to this. Right? And, you can talk to me about your problems sometimes. Maybe I could help you, maybe we could find other people who could. Mind-reading only works on special occasions."

Maki embraced Kotori, pulling her down to the bed. Still laughing, still crying, Maki simply held Kotori in her arms, as Kotori returned the hug.

"I'm so sorry… so sorry…", Maki whispered. "It's fine, it's fine," Kotori whispered back. "Everything will be alright."

"Are you two done being dramatic now?", Rin said, gazing at the two of them from the counter.

"Huh? Oh." Maki had forgotten that there were two other people in the room. Kotori let go of Maki and stood up, leaving Maki to hit herself against the upper bed as she inexpertly maneuvered her tired body.

"Where is everyone else?", Maki asked.

"They're wandering around not too far from here," Hanayo replied. "We've all been worried sick about you. By the way, we have two rented cars so we can go anywhere you want. Um, but you don't have to do anything if you don't want to!"

"How about Muir Woods? I've heard interesting things but haven't been there ever."

Rin grinned. "I'm so glad you're alright, Maki! I don't know where that is but it sounds fun!"

Kotori gave Maki another, gentler hug, and then Rin and Hanayo did the same. Maki's tears were beginning to dry. She still had grad school, still had her quals, still had her all-nighters filled with inevitable frustration in the weeks, months, and years to come. But somehow it didn't feel as daunting as it once did. Perhaps this feeling would only be temporary, and she would return once more to the crushing grasp of despair.

"By the way, happy birthday."

"Happy birthday, Maki."

"Happy birthday! Remember that we still care about you!"

Maki smiled. Even if the feelings she had this moment disappeared, something of it would still remain. Perhaps as a salve to tide her over in trying moments, a reminder that she could still be loved. Perhaps as a bitter memory of all that she had thrown away, a reminder that she had forsaken those she loved. But that future was far away, hidden beyond an impenetrable haze. Now, she washed her face, and accompanied by her two old friends and her (it never stopped sounding strange) girlfriend, she left for what could still yet be the most interesting birthday she ever had.