Look I'm here it's tomorrow I did it!
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chapter twenty three: eos
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I wake up in bed.
My head is pounding, my mouth is dry. I feel like I spent the night getting drunk and taking pills.
But once I realize I'm not still in New Jersey, that I'm in my dark, Forks bedroom, it all comes back.
Bella. The girls. The field. The light.
The darkness.
The...whatever happened next.
How the fuck did I get back here?
Where...are they gone?
I'm out of bed in an instant, trying to fight through the lightheadedness that comes with the too-fast movement. I'm stumbling down the stairs, trying to see my way through the dark.
Carlisle is in the kitchen, sipping coffee and looking alarmed at my entrance.
"What are you doing up?" We ask each other at the same time. He sets his mug down on the table. I can see the beginning of the sunrise in the distance, the light rain hitting the window behind him.
"I have to go to work," he says slowly and then waits for me to explain myself.
"I...have to go check something."
His eyes narrow, not unkindly, just suspicious.
"Look, Edward, I'm not trying to breathe down your neck and get in your business but your mom, she's worried about you. I don't know what's going on with you but just...be smart."
I feel guilty, just an inkling of it creep into my chest at the uncertainty in his voice. They're no doubt worried I'm back on my bullshit of substance abuse and I definitely look as shitty as I feel right now. I haven't given them any indication that I'm, you know, not.
I remind myself to work on that.
But right now, there are more important things.
"I will, it's just been a weird few months," I explain, backing down the hallway. I can hear Carlisle sigh and pick his mug back up.
My coat isn't hanging on the rack or in the closet and I'm trying to remember if I took it with me last night.
I grab a sweatshirt instead-better than nothing, I guess, pull my sneakers on and slip out the front door as quietly as I possibly can.
The weather is definitely an improvement from last night. Mild rain, hardly any wind and all the ice has melted.
I try to remember such...neutral weather happening here.
My stomach sinks because what does that mean for Bella Swan?
I start to run, ignoring the nauseous feeling in my stomach and the dryness of my mouth. The puddles on the ground are soaking my shoes and my hair is flopping in my eyes and I can barely swallow a breath but I don't slow down. I'll have heart-attack before I do.
I'm fully prepared to sprint to her house, to pound on her front door until my knuckles bleed but...I don't have to.
Because as I'm nearing the shortcut to her house, I see the bench.
Our bench.
And it's not empty.
I can't stop my voice, Bella's name bubbles from my throat too loudly.
She looks up at me, scared by the suddenness of the noise, her eyes wide and dark as the day I first saw her.
But then,
She smiles.
I stop myself from collapsing in front of her, my breath coming hard.
"You're here," I gasp and she tucks her hair behind her ears-almost nervously.
A very human display of nerves.
"Yeah," she says softly. I could cry with relief at the sound of her voice.
"How?"
She looks at her hands, twisting in her lap.
"I...I'm not sure."
My face must fall because she backtracks.
"I mean, I'm not sure of the exact how...but I...we...decided to. We stayed. We're...here."
"Bella," I breathe because fuck, I can and I sink to my knees in front of her, ignoring the coldness of the puddle beneath me.
She lets out a disbelieving laugh.
"I never thought I was going to hear you say that ever again."
And then she's crying and smiling and I'm joining her, our relief and tentative happiness rising in the air around us.
"I don't remember anything from last night...not after that light," I explain, trying to get answers.
"I don't really either," she says. "You just, I mean, I saw you and I knew I couldn't go. I couldn't do it. I let go of their hands and closed my eyes and next thing I knew, I was in my room and I was missing the whole night."
"Like everything reset," I wonder, my hands covering hers, thumbs brushing against her soft skin. She nods and smiles, tilting her face to the sky.
"Everything feels different. Lighter. It's raining, Edward, and I'm not making it happen."
"You're not?"
"No, and I'm...I'm tired. But like, actually tired. Like I want to go to sleep. When I close my eyes, it's just dark, I'm not seeing everything anymore. I'm just…"
"You're just you," I finish and she laughs, just for the joy of it.
"I think I want to go home and go to bed," she says, her voice betraying her excitement over the very idea of sleeping. "And if you want to...you could come with me?"
"I've never wanted anything more in my life," I tell her, and it's the truth.
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When Bella Swan sleeps, she smiles. Just a little. The corners of her mouth turn up and her breathing is even and I've never seen anyone look so peaceful or beautiful. I watch her back rise and fall as she's curled around me, her fingers resting on my chest, my lips pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. She's breathing softly, her lips parted, her cheeks pink.
I'm in love with her and I get to spend the next however many years showing her how much I mean it.
Because, fuck, she's here.
And so, I finally let myself fall asleep, too, feeling okay for the first time in so long.
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I wake to whispering.
"This is so fucking weird. Have you ever seen her asleep?"
"Never. She always said she couldn't."
"Do you think it's like, a side-effect of this whole thing?"
"I don't know."
When I open my eyes, I see Alice and Rosalie standing over us, their eyes wide and confused and just...shocked.
"What the fuck?" I whisper, my voice hoarse. Alice grins and while Rosalie's expression doesn't change, the blue of her eyes is softer, more sunny sky than ice.
Holy shit, her eyes are softer.
The energy in the room isn't charged like it usually is when they're all together, it's just like any other room.
They seem just as weirded out as I am.
"Can we wake her up now?" Alice begs, excited and leaning in closer.
Rosalie shrugs and in an instant, Alice is on top of Bella as well as on top of me. I feel the shaking of laughter from the both of them and Rosalie actually cracks a small smile.
It's all very bizarre.
Which is bizarre on its own—when three teenage girls seem like teenage girls rather than goddesses or whatever is not the norm.
Is that what happens when they remain? Do they gain their own kind of humanity? Do they give up those intense, difficult parts of themselves they got from the stars?
Is it a relief?
Or a kind of half-life, one where they no longer feel like themselves?
How much of that is my fault?
Bella's hand cups my cheek, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"We made this decision on our own, Edward," she says softly. Alice nods vigorously.
"Not all of us decided this," Rosalie points out.
"I don't regret it," Alice tells her, tells me, tells herself.
"Yet," Rosalie adds but her usual hatred is absent.
I wonder how much of her anger is back with the stars.
"Can you guys get out of here? I want to make out with my boyfriend," Bella groans and my heart leaps.
"Boyfriend?" I ask as she lifts her face to mine, my smile surely goofy.
"If that's okay," she says softly and Rosalie and Alice make gagging noises.
"Yuck, can't you wait until we're out the door?" Alice laughs and soon, they're gone.
The room is quiet again, and Bella's twisting around, our lips meeting again and our limbs tangling us together like winter birds.
I kiss her softly, slowly. There's no urgency, no desperation, just relief because in all the times in all the universe, we're here now, together, with the whole world ahead of us.
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epilogue
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Bella Swan should have been to the desert sooner. Watching her flit around the front of the car, her body glowing in the light of the headlamps.
This old, shitty rusted Volvo's been our home for nearly three months.
"Turn the radio up!" she calls and I oblige, the acoustic guitars and soft voices filling the air around us. I'm trying to finish this postcard to my mom and Carlisle, to tell them I love them, to announce that Bella and I eloped, that we got married at sunrise at the Grand Canyon a week ago and that I've never been happier in my entire life. There are similar cards in the cupholder next to me—one to Alice and Jasper, who are making a life for themselves in Austin—we're heading there next—and to Rosalie, who's in law school out east, putting her intimidation and persuasion to good use.
She called us stupid for doing this trip, but told us to keep in touch. I've actually started to miss her no-bullshit attitude and unending snark—the human parts of her that used to be clouded in those overwhelming parts of herself.
Signing my name to the postcard, I set it with the others, grinning because I just, can't believe I have friends. Who I keep in touch with. Who I miss.
Sixteen-year-old me would be appalled. I wish I could send him a letter, too.
I have no idea when we're going to see a mailbox or a post office.
We're somewhere in New Mexico, I haven't looked at the map in days.
"Edward!" Bella urges me out of the car, her smile brilliant, her eyes bright.
It's quiet save for the occasional buzz of a bug or a howl in the distance. She takes my hand and leads down the road, shimmying her hips.
"You're a nerd," I laugh and she licks her lips.
"And yet you're still here," she muses, dragging her free hand absentmindedly along my jaw, feeling the stubble quickly turning into a beard.
I can't remember the last time I shaved.
"I never said it was a bad thing," I say, pulling her close. She's in her favorite dress—the one she got at an estate sale in Montana. The emerald green linen is loose on her as she sways in my arms, her cheek pressed to my chest.
"I love you," she sighs, content, and I'm sure she can feel my heart pounding. All these years later and hearing her say that never gets old, it still sends a thrill through my whole being.
We've had years of laughing and fighting and sleeping and leaving and learning and fucking and even though we're burning through the last of our savings on this trip, this jaunt around the country, it's what we wanted to do, because we know how short time can be and how long we can make it.
As the song ends, Bella pulls away, making her way to the telescope set-up on the trunk of the car. My shitty one from the windowsill at home.
"The stars are better here than anywhere else, Edward," she breathes. For a long time, we didn't talk about them, my telescope stayed packed away and we slept at night.
But she was growing sick for them, we both were.
And so, we've been searching for that balance, between the stars and us and everything else.
As I watch her watching the cosmos above, I can't help but think of Plato's The Symposium and his explanation of soulmates. Apparently, humans originally had four arms, four legs, and one head. The gods felt threatened as humans grew stronger, and Zeus, in his never-ending goal of self-interest, split them in two, subjecting them to the misery of only being half of a whole. It's said though, that if they find one another, they'd feel no greater joy.
Bella turns to me, grinning.
"Your turn," she says, kissing my cheek as I move my eye to the lens.
We're living this joy; our love is stronger than anything- any kind of god or being could throw at us.
I see the stars shine, I find Orion first and move to the next constellation, Bella's hand wrapped firmly in mine.
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end
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WOW it's OVER. Thank you to everyone who read, everyone who reviewed, everyone who recommended this story to others. I'm unendingly grateful for your support. I'm already pretty far into another something I've been drabbling with so I'm sure you'll see me again.
All my love,
meg