Author's Note:

Just wanted to take a break from "The Cruise of a Lifetime" and work on this short piece of crack-fiction. But you should also know that this has nothing to do with TCoaL

N'Joy my first try at Dora-related fanfiction crack! The result of my sheer boredom, fandom of Magnus and TNT, and morbid hatred of Dora!

(Not to be taken seriously, BTW)

Magnus was sitting alone in his bedroom on a fine Friday morning. Suddenly, he decided that he wanted a cookie. So he went into the kitchen to grab some cookies, but then he noticed that the cookies were in a heavy jar on the top shelf.

What a stupid and unsafe place to put cookies... what idiot would do this?! After a few seconds of pondering this frustratedly, he remembered that it was him who arranged the items in his kitchen and delicately shoved the issue aside. There was a bigger problem at hand:

His love of cookies.

He gave a short hop and tried to nudge the cookie-jar over so that he could catch it with his amazing hand-eye coordination. Maybe he hopped a bit too high. Maybe he nudged said cookie-jar with a bit too much force.

Maybe said cookie-jar fell on his head. Maybe he was engulfed in blackness.

000

"Ungh... where am I?" He slowly sat up and realized that he was sitting on a dusty road.

(theme song playing)

Dora!

Boots!

Come on, Dora!

At that moment, he was knocked over by a girl and a monkey swinging from a vine that was attatched to the sky somehow. The three of them toppled, scattering as well.

"Hey! What's the big idea?!" Magnus shouted as he rubbed his already sore head. Dora looked up at him and let out a loud cry of anger.

"WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR ISSUE?!" She shouted angrily before she just fell to the ground and started crying with her big ol', football-shaped, brainless, once again abnormally large and football shaped head. With no brain. "You can't just sit there. Look at what you did!" She whined as if it was Magnus's fault that she and her monkey in shoes of red were swinging from a vine attatched to the sky.

"What's my issue? WHAT'S MY ISSUE?!"

"Hey! Stop yelling at that little girl, backaw!" Magnus slowly turned around and screamed as he was faced with the completely abnormal sight of the famous Big Red Chicken.

"HOOOLLLYYY CRAAAAPPP!" He shrieked at the top of his lungs. Going solely by instinct, he whipped out a block of Trinitrotoluene and hurled it at the red devil, satisfied when it exploded with a roaring bang, not so satisfied by the remaining mess of feathers and flesh and... other things...

"NOOOOOO! YOU KILLED THE BIG RED CHICKEN!" Dora screamed horrificly.

"I'LL MAKE YOU PAY, GREEN-MAN!" Boots screeched before hurling himself at Magnus's face and biting his ears. Of course this was a fight that only lasted a few seconds before Magnus flung Boots at the nearest tree.

"Ow! That hurts!" The tree wept as Boots slid down its rough exterior. Magnus stared back in shock, gaping at the tree. "What? You've never seen a talking tree before? And by the way, it's rude to stare!" It cried. Magnus formed his lips to say something, but his vocal cords were frozen in utter unsettlement. He slowly looked back at Dora whose eyes widened as if she was having an epiphany.

"I know how we can bring the Big Red Chicken back!"

"Sure we do, Dora!" Boots exclaimed. "We just need to know where to go!"

"Who do we ask when we don't know which way to go?" She turned to the side and asked this question to no one in particular. Magnus stared back in disbelief. She wasn't going to snap out of her trance anytime soon, was she? He spent some time staring at the sun as it sank into the hills which were for some dumb reason called mountains before she finally made a remark. "The map!"

(format: This is Magnus speaking.This is Map singing.)

If there's a place you got to get, I'm the one you need to know. I'm the map.

Okay, this is weird...

I'm the map, I'm the map, if there's a place you gotta get-

Didn't you just say that?!

I can get you there, I bet, I'm the map!

You've established that!

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map-

Stop! Stop this!

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map-

My Notch, would you stop?!

I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map-

SHUT. UP.

...

I'm the maaaaap!

"Dora needs to get somewhere to help revive the Big Red Chicken! I know where you can go to revive the Big Red Chicken. First, you need to stand up. Next, you need to put your right leg in. Then, you need to put your right leg out. Then, you need to put your right leg in and shake it all about! After this, you do the hokey pokie and you turn yourself around! Then, you go across the lake of bloodthirsty alligators by hopping above their razor-sharp-tooth laden jaws! Then, you go to Costco's to pick up some Extra Strong Super Concentrated Pepto Bismol Super for my high acting diarrhea! Then, you need to help the Frosted Flakes across the road to the Nonexistent Dimension! Then you'll make it to Fruithille! Now, remember to tell Dora: Hokey Pokey, bloodthirsty alligators, Costco's, Nonexistent Dimension, Fruithille! Hokey Pokey, bloodthirsty alligators, Costco's, Nonexistent Dimension, Fruithille! Hokey Pokey, bloodthirsty alligators, Costco's, Nonexistent Dimension, Fruithille! Hokey Pokey, bloodthirsty alligators, Costco's, Nonexistent Dimension, Fruithille! Hokey Pokey, bloodthirsty alligators, Costco's, Nonexistent Dimension, Fruithille! Hokey Pokey, bloodthirsty alligators, Costco's, Nonexistent Dimension, FRUITVIIIILLLEEE!" With that, Map devours the screen and in the blink of an eye you, the reader, are met with Dora, Boots and an utterly damaged Magnus.

"Where do we need to go?"

"WHAT?! YOU WEREN'T LISTENING?!" Magnus screamed at the top of his lungs. "IT'S A NEW DAY, DORA! LITERALLY! IT'S TUESDAY! YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG!"

"It's not nice to yell, Mr. Green Man."

"STOP CALLING ME THAT! MY NAME IS MAGNUS! MAG! NUS! NOT MR. GREEN MAN!"

"Okay, Mr. Green Man. Where do we need to go?"

the following week...

"Hokey Pokey, bloodthirsty alligators, Costco's, Nonexistent Dimension, Fruithille! So where do we go first?"

the following month...

"Hokey Pokey! How do we-"

"FLIP THIS, ALRIGHT?!" With that, Magnus let out a loud groan of frustration, feeling his sore head pulsate. "Listen, I don't know how the heck I got into this 2D cockamamie thingamajig, but I want out."

"The only way to get out is by going to the end of the adventure!"

"... where's Herobrine when you need him?"

Author's Note:

How'd I do? Leave a review and expect more crack!