The Harry Potter book series is one of the best that exist! But they still
couldn't escape my wrath of parodies!!! I don't own any of these
characters. Or Harry Potter. Or Pop Tarts. What if Squee was Harry? Hmmm..
And with this idea, I present to you.
Squeegee Casil and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone
Chapter 1: Poor Squeegee
Mr. and Mrs. Creeper of house 779 were stuck in dead end jobs, absolutely hated each other and unawaringly lived next door to a serial killer. In other words, they were perfectly normal. Mr. Creeper was a lowly computer data processor at Hellhole High, a manufacturer of cat food, I mean cafeteria food and defective minds. He is the one responsible for creating a schedule where it's impossible to take art, sports and band at the same time. His address is in the beginning of this chapter if any of you want to kill him. He was scrawny and overworked with bags under his eyes that would be visible if he ever took his glasses off. Mrs. Creeper had no visible face, which was very useful when she was peering over the neighbors' fence. She seemed to know the exact millisecond that the person in 781 watered their plants, but somehow failed to see that a homicidal maniac lived on the other side of her house in 777. The Creepers had everything they didn't want. Including a secret that with their bad luck, someone was sure to discover soon.
Their secret was that, at midnight, when the moon is full, their eyes turn red and they sprout green hair on their arms and they become Nick zombies!!!! Oops, wrong secret!
Their OTHER secret was that Mrs. Creeper's sister and her husband were, well, lizards. I mean wizards! I know that wasn't supposed to be revealed until a later chapter, but this IS a parody! The Casils had a little boy, but since he was probably just like his parents in his weirdness, the Creepers avoided him as well. Yes people, they were afraid of a one year old!
When they woke up on that November 1, 1981, the sun was shining and the birds were singing and an alien ship had crushed house 781, put pipes through the walls of nearby houses and really threw off the décor of the street by setting up lawn gnomes with eye lazers. It was a perfectly normal day.
Mr. Creeper skirted his way around the tubes protruding from the walls and bitch-slapped his wife goodbye on his way out the door to go to work. Mrs. Creeper could be heard sniffling and saying "That's so sweet! I hate you too!" as Mr. Creeper got in his car and drove to work. He saw a dark dragon sitting on the fence of 781, dodging the lazer-eyed lawn gnomes while reading a newspaper. Totally ordinary looking, he thought as he asked the dragon what the horoscope for Gemini was.
It replied " You and three of your relatives will be DOOMED! Now leave me be to fight the lawn gnomes!" What a friendly dragon!, Mr. Creeper thought to himself as he arrived at work five minutes later.
That morning, Mr. Creeper expelled five honors students and then got an award for his good judgment. Boring! Then he stared at the ceiling for the rest of his adventurous morning. At lunch, he noticed the students whose minds were being demented were dressed very normally today. They were all wearing black with nametags reading " Hello, my name is _________ and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!" They were also doing boring things with wooden sticks like shooting sparks at each other and giving each other wedgies. Mr. Creeper's questions about why the students were dressed so plainly were about to be answered as he listened to a conversation between two students whose nametags read "Jhonen" and "Roman". Jhonen was tall and thin with glasses and bright red hair and Romans arms were completely covered with tattoos.
"So did you hear about what happened with little Squeegee Casil and Eric the Vampire?" Jhonen asked his ink covered companion.
"Who the heck hasn't besides that idiot behind us who's eavesdropping in on our conversation?" Roman replied.
"I don't know. And the best part is, I brought in a camera to get a snapshot on Mr. Creeper's face when he finds out that he has to adopt Squeegee!" , he said mischievously as he pulled out a camera, then turned around and took a picture of Mr. Creeper's bored looking face.
"Hey! That wasn't fun!", he yelled before passing out unexpectedly.
"Uh, maybe I shouldn't have let him have so much sugar earlier.", Roman remarked to no one in particular, completely ignoring his friend's unconscious body on the floor to finish his Pop Tart.
When the bell signaling the end of lunch rang, Mr. Creeper blended into the mass of students leaving the cafeteria, being careful to step all over the lizard/wizard on the floor on his way out. But then he jumped in his car and drove home. After all of the students had cleared out of the cafeteria, Jhonen is still lying face down on the floor with one last word.
"Owwww."
Three dead animals later, Mr. Creeper was back at his house.
"Violet! The lizards, I mean wizards at Hellhole High said that we had to adopt Squeegee Casil, your sister's son!"
"Then let's just do something as insignificant as sleeping in our last hours of freedom.", Violet Creeper replied, completely unphased by the information .
"Okay, but first I have to watch the news.", Mr. Creeper said as he turned on the TV. The news anchor with a plastic surgery created smile then started the show.
"Good evening and welcome to the 5:00 news at 7:30! Here are a few of tonight's headlines! First, a meteor shower originating from an insane asylum patient in a witch costume with a stick caused a forest fire spreading across Kent, Yorkshire and Dundee. Also, flying teddy bears have been sighted all throughout the day in great numbers, wearing letters attached to their legs. The insane guy said that's how lizards, I mean wizards send mail. He also said that the meteor shower was to celebrate the end of Eric the Vampire." Mr. Creeper turned off the TV and crawled into bed with his wife who was already asleep.
Outside on the street, the dragon was still on 781's fence, but the lawn gnomes were no longer irritating it. A few feet away from it, a man in a light labcoat which covered most of his face appeared.
"Hello, Ms. Bitters!" He said to the dragon. "Lovely night out!" But what he was talking to was no longer a dragon. In its place, stood an old woman.
"Good evening, Professor Membrane. So where is Squeegee Casil? Is this where we have to bring him since Eric killed his parents?"
"Yes, here with the people who hate him most. Now where is It?" As Prof. Membrane finished speaking, a rumbling noise was heard as a flying motorcycle descended from the sky with two people on it. The first was small wit a mask and bloody meat cleaver. The second was presumably Squeegee, wrapped in a blanket and fast asleep. It then gave Squee to Prof. Membrane.
"Here's Squee, Professor Membrane. He fell asleep when we were flying through a flock of ducks. Damn, those things leave a mess when you run into them!"
"Thank you, It. Now where did you get the motorcycle?"
"I stole, I mean borrowed it from Tenna. Are you really going to dump Squee off in this Snuggle heckhole?"
"Professor Membrane, really! I've watched these Snuggles all day! They will hate Squee and make him miserable for all his years with them! Is this really where he is going?" "Do you have any other suggestions?"
"We could just give Squee to his godmother. She was supposed to have him should something like this happen anyway."
"No, I don't have time for that. I need to get back to work.", Prof. Membrane said as he placed Squeegee on the door with a note to the Creepers. On Squeegee's forehead, there was a scar that resembled a target. The three lizards, I mean WIZARDS!!! Left the street in their own magic aided ways as all across the country, people like them everywhere had drunken keg parties, raising their shot glasses to toast the Squeegee Casil, the boy who lived. Poor Squeegee.
A/N: And so ends the first chapter. Jhonen, you rock but unfortunately, you never made enough main characters to fill all the necessary roles for this story. So I am going to fill those roles with fanfiction authors! Anyone who can spot Jhonen and Roman's not-so-hidden cameo gets to be one of the characters that haven't already been introduced, except Hermione and Ron. Either e-mail me at [email protected] or review with the following information.
Name, what you look like, where the not-so-hidden-cameo occurred and what character you would like to be. You may not get exactly what you want, so please include a second choice too. And don't flame if you don't get what you want please! Well, g'night!
Squeegee Casil and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone
Chapter 1: Poor Squeegee
Mr. and Mrs. Creeper of house 779 were stuck in dead end jobs, absolutely hated each other and unawaringly lived next door to a serial killer. In other words, they were perfectly normal. Mr. Creeper was a lowly computer data processor at Hellhole High, a manufacturer of cat food, I mean cafeteria food and defective minds. He is the one responsible for creating a schedule where it's impossible to take art, sports and band at the same time. His address is in the beginning of this chapter if any of you want to kill him. He was scrawny and overworked with bags under his eyes that would be visible if he ever took his glasses off. Mrs. Creeper had no visible face, which was very useful when she was peering over the neighbors' fence. She seemed to know the exact millisecond that the person in 781 watered their plants, but somehow failed to see that a homicidal maniac lived on the other side of her house in 777. The Creepers had everything they didn't want. Including a secret that with their bad luck, someone was sure to discover soon.
Their secret was that, at midnight, when the moon is full, their eyes turn red and they sprout green hair on their arms and they become Nick zombies!!!! Oops, wrong secret!
Their OTHER secret was that Mrs. Creeper's sister and her husband were, well, lizards. I mean wizards! I know that wasn't supposed to be revealed until a later chapter, but this IS a parody! The Casils had a little boy, but since he was probably just like his parents in his weirdness, the Creepers avoided him as well. Yes people, they were afraid of a one year old!
When they woke up on that November 1, 1981, the sun was shining and the birds were singing and an alien ship had crushed house 781, put pipes through the walls of nearby houses and really threw off the décor of the street by setting up lawn gnomes with eye lazers. It was a perfectly normal day.
Mr. Creeper skirted his way around the tubes protruding from the walls and bitch-slapped his wife goodbye on his way out the door to go to work. Mrs. Creeper could be heard sniffling and saying "That's so sweet! I hate you too!" as Mr. Creeper got in his car and drove to work. He saw a dark dragon sitting on the fence of 781, dodging the lazer-eyed lawn gnomes while reading a newspaper. Totally ordinary looking, he thought as he asked the dragon what the horoscope for Gemini was.
It replied " You and three of your relatives will be DOOMED! Now leave me be to fight the lawn gnomes!" What a friendly dragon!, Mr. Creeper thought to himself as he arrived at work five minutes later.
That morning, Mr. Creeper expelled five honors students and then got an award for his good judgment. Boring! Then he stared at the ceiling for the rest of his adventurous morning. At lunch, he noticed the students whose minds were being demented were dressed very normally today. They were all wearing black with nametags reading " Hello, my name is _________ and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!" They were also doing boring things with wooden sticks like shooting sparks at each other and giving each other wedgies. Mr. Creeper's questions about why the students were dressed so plainly were about to be answered as he listened to a conversation between two students whose nametags read "Jhonen" and "Roman". Jhonen was tall and thin with glasses and bright red hair and Romans arms were completely covered with tattoos.
"So did you hear about what happened with little Squeegee Casil and Eric the Vampire?" Jhonen asked his ink covered companion.
"Who the heck hasn't besides that idiot behind us who's eavesdropping in on our conversation?" Roman replied.
"I don't know. And the best part is, I brought in a camera to get a snapshot on Mr. Creeper's face when he finds out that he has to adopt Squeegee!" , he said mischievously as he pulled out a camera, then turned around and took a picture of Mr. Creeper's bored looking face.
"Hey! That wasn't fun!", he yelled before passing out unexpectedly.
"Uh, maybe I shouldn't have let him have so much sugar earlier.", Roman remarked to no one in particular, completely ignoring his friend's unconscious body on the floor to finish his Pop Tart.
When the bell signaling the end of lunch rang, Mr. Creeper blended into the mass of students leaving the cafeteria, being careful to step all over the lizard/wizard on the floor on his way out. But then he jumped in his car and drove home. After all of the students had cleared out of the cafeteria, Jhonen is still lying face down on the floor with one last word.
"Owwww."
Three dead animals later, Mr. Creeper was back at his house.
"Violet! The lizards, I mean wizards at Hellhole High said that we had to adopt Squeegee Casil, your sister's son!"
"Then let's just do something as insignificant as sleeping in our last hours of freedom.", Violet Creeper replied, completely unphased by the information .
"Okay, but first I have to watch the news.", Mr. Creeper said as he turned on the TV. The news anchor with a plastic surgery created smile then started the show.
"Good evening and welcome to the 5:00 news at 7:30! Here are a few of tonight's headlines! First, a meteor shower originating from an insane asylum patient in a witch costume with a stick caused a forest fire spreading across Kent, Yorkshire and Dundee. Also, flying teddy bears have been sighted all throughout the day in great numbers, wearing letters attached to their legs. The insane guy said that's how lizards, I mean wizards send mail. He also said that the meteor shower was to celebrate the end of Eric the Vampire." Mr. Creeper turned off the TV and crawled into bed with his wife who was already asleep.
Outside on the street, the dragon was still on 781's fence, but the lawn gnomes were no longer irritating it. A few feet away from it, a man in a light labcoat which covered most of his face appeared.
"Hello, Ms. Bitters!" He said to the dragon. "Lovely night out!" But what he was talking to was no longer a dragon. In its place, stood an old woman.
"Good evening, Professor Membrane. So where is Squeegee Casil? Is this where we have to bring him since Eric killed his parents?"
"Yes, here with the people who hate him most. Now where is It?" As Prof. Membrane finished speaking, a rumbling noise was heard as a flying motorcycle descended from the sky with two people on it. The first was small wit a mask and bloody meat cleaver. The second was presumably Squeegee, wrapped in a blanket and fast asleep. It then gave Squee to Prof. Membrane.
"Here's Squee, Professor Membrane. He fell asleep when we were flying through a flock of ducks. Damn, those things leave a mess when you run into them!"
"Thank you, It. Now where did you get the motorcycle?"
"I stole, I mean borrowed it from Tenna. Are you really going to dump Squee off in this Snuggle heckhole?"
"Professor Membrane, really! I've watched these Snuggles all day! They will hate Squee and make him miserable for all his years with them! Is this really where he is going?" "Do you have any other suggestions?"
"We could just give Squee to his godmother. She was supposed to have him should something like this happen anyway."
"No, I don't have time for that. I need to get back to work.", Prof. Membrane said as he placed Squeegee on the door with a note to the Creepers. On Squeegee's forehead, there was a scar that resembled a target. The three lizards, I mean WIZARDS!!! Left the street in their own magic aided ways as all across the country, people like them everywhere had drunken keg parties, raising their shot glasses to toast the Squeegee Casil, the boy who lived. Poor Squeegee.
A/N: And so ends the first chapter. Jhonen, you rock but unfortunately, you never made enough main characters to fill all the necessary roles for this story. So I am going to fill those roles with fanfiction authors! Anyone who can spot Jhonen and Roman's not-so-hidden cameo gets to be one of the characters that haven't already been introduced, except Hermione and Ron. Either e-mail me at [email protected] or review with the following information.
Name, what you look like, where the not-so-hidden-cameo occurred and what character you would like to be. You may not get exactly what you want, so please include a second choice too. And don't flame if you don't get what you want please! Well, g'night!