Alternative Therapy for His Monster-in-law's nerves

Dedicated to Alan Rickman, the man who made Severus Snape come alive and made grown women blush with his beautiful potrayal of Colonel Brandon. You will be missed.

Warning: This story is based on the assumption that Mrs. Bennet is a hypochondriac. This is no way encourages ignoring symptoms of any disorder or disease, or the maltreatment of any individual suffering from any disorder or disease.

A/N: Hello people :D This is a kind of spinoff of The Wildly Improper Lady Alina Fitzwilliam but since it will be quite some time before we reach to this point of time in that story, I'm posting this because this has been bothering me for ages. Lot of Mrs. Bennett bashing. Avoid if you don't like. Enjoy :)

P.S. A big thank you to everybody who reviewed, Guest, Karen1220, Mme Fish, wosedwew, alix33, Anonymous, Trini (I had to use google translate to understand your review, it was so sweet!), margeanon, VolturiRavenWitc (you might like my Twilight stories, going by your name ;), apieceofpie4everybody011, elizabethanddarcy, Evelyn Ro (Thank you, I'll try to make the corrections), kss, cuinwen (Yep, got the idea from tele advertising), Guest, Avanell, Lily Draco, I found my Mr. Darcy, georginiuxa, IrishGrandma, Belle543, h2olgd, jamelia116,Colleen, Englitlover, tarlily Thank you guys, I'm grinning ear to ear because of you guys.

Pemberley

Derbyshire

Fitzwilliam Darcy was sick of his mother-in-law's nerves. She had the habit of making outrageous requests and then claiming a fit of nerves and retiring to bed for days on end when the requests were denied.

'Mamma, Kitty can't go alone, unescorted to the Duke of Mandeville's house party.'

'Mamma, we cannot have Wickham at Pemberley.'

'Mamma, Mr. Darcy is not going to pay for a carriage for Lydia.'

'No, Mamma, Mary shall not be sent to a convent.'

'Kitty cannot be allowed to marry Sir Rupert. He is two and twenty years older than her.'

'Mamma, we cannot have you and Lydia at Bath.'

Though no one was really bothered if she removed herself from their company for days on end and he suspected Mr. Bennet was rather delighted with this particular turn of events, it was taking a heavy toll on his wife, who had to take on the office of denying his mother-in-law's requests. Elizabeth was treated abominably and insulted passionately each time she sought to make Mrs. Bennet see reason. Darcy couldn't bear to see her in tears over being neglected and abused by her mother any longer and he decided to do something to end this nuisance once and for all. With this resolve in his heart, he set out for London at dawn after kissing his sleeping wife's forehead and promising her that all would be well.

The next day

Darcy House

London

After much searching, he had obtained the information he was looking for and having written a letter to his sister Mary, asking for her assistance in carrying out his plan, he finally settled in to sleep.

'All will be well, Elizabeth, just you wait,' he muttered and drifted off to sleep.

Two days later

Longbourn

Hertfordshire

He met Mary in the lane behind Longburn.

'Is it safe for me to visit?' he asked.

His sister answered in the affirmative and went off to visit the tenants, grinning deviously all the while.

Being the sole focus of her parents' attention with Kitty away to stay with Jane had give a new kind of confidence to Mary. And instruction in music from the best of London's masters had probably helped. Well, he couldn't tarry any longer, he had to go in. Praying to god for success, he approached the front door of Longbourn and knocked.

After being duly greeted by the housekeeper, he was shown to the parlour and told that Mrs. Bennet would be downstairs shortly. He had nothing to do other than wait.

Within minutes he heard her screeching, 'Oh my nerves! Is there nobody who takes pity on me? Mr. Bennet and Mary have abandoned me and now I shall have to deal with that dour man by myself. Oh! Couldn't Lizzie have warned me that he was coming?'

It was moments like these that caused him to wonder if his mother in law thought that everybody around her suffered from temporary deafness while she complained about them at the top of her voice. He was also slightly offended at being called dour. Fitzwilliam Darcy would have you know that he was everything other than dour!

Soon he was greeted by the pleasant sight of his mother-in-law freshly out of bed and put together quickly in five minutes by her, well, capable maid. He could almost believe that Mrs. Bennet had had a bath. Almost.

'My dear Mrs. Bennet,' he exclaimed, 'aren't you a sight for sore eyes!'

She was clearly flustered and her cheeks flushed when she answered, 'This is quite a surprise Mr. Darcy. I had no idea of you coming to Hertfordshire or I would have been here to welcome you properly.'

'It is of no import, madam,' he said, 'I was in town for some business and I decided to visit my dear Mother-in-law.'

'How kind of you, Mr. Darcy,' she answered. 'Please sit while I call for some refreshments. Or would you like Lunch?'

'No, thank you Madam,' he demurred, 'it is far too early for lunch.'

And so the inane conversation, with fake flowery compliments on both sides continued until refreshments arrived.

'I heard from Elizabeth, Mrs. Bennet,' he commented while contentedly sipping on his tea, 'that you have quite a severe problem of nerves.'

'Oh yes Mr. Darcy! My nerves are really the bane of my existence and my family care nothing for them,' she said, fluttering her hands, happy that someone at last, was bothered about her. 'Especially Lizzie and Mary. Mary is so plain that I have resigned myself to her remaining a spinster and Lizzie worries me so. Before her marriage, it was the walks and impertinence and now, it has been a year Mr. Darcy and she has not become with child! If only you had married Lydia, she is already a mother.'

Darcy was incensed, how could a mother speak about her own children thus! But he reined in his temper for he had a task to accomplish.

'Quite a trial for your nerves Mrs. Bennet,' he agreed, hating himself inwardly, 'Have you not seen any physician for your troubles?'

'Oh! I have, Mr. Darcy,' she exclaimed. 'I have seen Mr. Jones, our local apothecary, most regularly. But nothing he gives, seems to help.'

'That is quite unfortunate madam,' he sympathized, 'But Mr. Jones is only an apothecary. Have you not seen a reputed physician in London?'

'Mr. Bennet hardly allows me to go to London,' she complained. 'However, I could, of course, visit a physician when I come to see Lizzie in London.'

'There is no need of that, Mrs. Bennett,' he said quickly afraid of having her in his house, he valued his ears too much to have that, thank you very much. 'I shall have a physician specializing in such cases sent here to examine you.'

'That is most generous of you!', she declared, 'Lady Lucas will be green with envy.'

'Quite, quite,' he agreed. 'He is a most reputed physician. Especially famous for trying alternative therapies. He cured my friend's mother, who suffered from the same problem in a sennight.'

Take the bait, Take the bait, he prayed fervently.

'Really?' Mrs. Bennett took the bait.

'Oh, yes. She had dreadful episodes of these nerves. Some of them were so severe that she took to her bed for days on end,' he fibbed. 'But after the doctor put pins on her body-'

'Pins on her body?' stammered Mrs. Bennet.

'Yes exactly. It is an Eastern method of curing nervous episodes. The Doctor puts needles in the body of the patient for seven days continuously-'

'Seven Days?' cried Mrs. Bennet.

'Or you could always choose a bed of nails. It improves the blood circulation and prevents nervous episodes,' he advised most seriously.

'Is there no other method of treatment?' she asked helplessly.

'Of course Madam! He prescribes some herbal tonics that make you horribly ill for some days but you're as healthy as a horse afterwards. It is some sort of poison I think,' he concluded.

'Poison?',Mrs. Bennet repeated faintly. 'Oh dear!'

'Do not worry, Mrs. Bennet,' he said reassuringly, 'he is a most excellent doctor and shall have you cured in no time. All you have to do is write to me and I shall send him to Longbourn without delay.'

'Of course,' she agreed quietly.

'You must not be shy Mrs. Bennet!' he said jovially, 'Or I shall have to ask Elizabath or Mary or Mr. Bennet, if you have been ill with nerves recently and then I shall send him without your permission, Madam!'

'You would not!' she exclaimed.

'I must leave for town, Mrs. Bennet ,' he said politely. 'It has been a pleasure to see you.'

'I can hardly say the same,' she muttered under her breath.

'I beg your pardon, Madam,' he needled her.

'I can hardly wait to see you again,' she said, with a tone of voice which contrasted greatly with the sentiments expressed.

He bade her an emotional farewell and proceeded happily on the road to London. He would never see Elizabeth in tears because of her mother again!

Three Months Later

Longbourn

Mr. Bennett couldn't believe his ears. It was Darcy, his serious, responsible, respectable son-in-law Darcy who saved him from becoming a spectacle at Bedlam because of his wife's poor nerves? God bless the man. And Mary, who helped him secure a private meeting with his wife. What a scheming minx his simplest daughter was turning out to be! He had to teach her the finer arts of sarcasm now, there would be no stopping him.

And perhaps he could ask Darcy to send Bingley a copy of the wonderful book he had taken his information from, he could use it on his harpy of a sister. Ah, life was good.

Six months Later

Pemberley

Elizabeth had not received a single letter from her mother, making any unreasonable demands on account of her nerves. All was well.

A/N: Hope you liked it :) If you did, please take a minute to review, you would make my day! And you could always check out my other stories ;) And a big thank you to my mum for proof-listening this, Love you Mum :D

My other P&P Fanfic, The Wildly Improper Lady Alina Fitzwilliam

It's P&P through an OC's perspective. The OC just happens to be Richard's younger sister Alina.

Do give it a chance!