A\N: Skillet should so be Jay's favorite band! Their lyrics are amazing, I can relate most of them to him.

Edit: I removed the lyrics to not violate FFN's guidelines. Listen to the song while reading, it'll help understand how I got into the mood to write this fic!

I come home from a rough patrol night, my shoulder is bleeding. I killed nine men tonight, I'm tired and confused. I'm alone. I lean against the concrete wall and clutch my head with my bloody hands. That feeling is catching up with me, I know I'm going to rage, but then I remember you and feel my pulse sink.

I slog along to what I call my bed, a plain mattress in a run-down-safehouse. I can't get rid of this feeling that's starting to build inside me whenever I think about what I have to do, about this fucked up world, about what happened to me. I can't sleep, I hurt, but not because of my shoulder. I learned to live with that kind of pain, but my demons still haunt me. I hate this place, I wish you were there with me, because you let me forget, you numb my pain.

I remember that you often climbed in through the window in my darkest moments, when the rage took over, when I threatened to break once again. I remember you holding me in your loving arms and taking my every fear and anger. You heal me, and I can't believe it. I can't show you what you mean to me, I don't know how.

You are the reason I don't go mad in this place, the reason for my sanity. I need you to get through this world, to carry on this life that haunts me in moments like these. I need you, I can't sleep, and I know it's because you're not there to give me the peace to.

I grab the box of sleeping pills and swallow some, but I still wish it was you who calmed me.

I find myself awake at night, not able to think straight. I stand in front of the mirror and look at my scarred reflection with disgust, and then I feel it again. The madness is coming to get me, it wants everything I have.
Anger hits and forces my fist into the mirror. It shatters into pieces, it cuts my skin open. My fist bleeds, but I feel numb. I feel empty without you, besides the madness that takes the better of me when I'm alone.
But despite that instinct all I want is your soothing voice telling me I'll be okay, you're there for me. I feel the meaning in the words I often hear from you, but I can't get enough of it.

Then I hear you climbing in through the window again, feel you wrapping your arms around me. I notice only now that I'm on my knees, that my body is trembling. Your touch, it instantly soothes me and my pain. I feel safe and wanted, loved.

I take you in my arms and hold your frame close to mine. Your presence surrounds me. Your voice resounds in my ear as you speak to me, as you tell me I'm not alone with my hurt. I want to tell you what you mean to me, that I'm thankful for everything you are, that I need you, but I can't. I don't know how. I cradle you, pull you to my bed, expose your skin. I need to feel you to clear my head. I know you're my medicine. I know you help.

I feel your trembling against my embrace those nights, I just hope your trembles mean you can't express your love for me. I know you have demons too, but I can't be concerned because of my own.

I fuck you again. I hope it makes you forget, makes you stop those strangled noises you can't keep caged when you're around me. I hope you feel everything I never learned to tell you.

You snuggle against me, seek my affection like a child its mother's. I just hold you instead of caressing you like you do with me, and I do it because it confirms that you're still there with me. You don't make a sound.

I watch you get dressed and leave through the window you came in through. You don't look back at me, and it's okay, because you fixed me once again tonight.

I lie down to sleep, feeling whole enough to rest.

You care about me, you're the only one who cares.

I don't notice the tracker you attached to my jacket.