Hope ya'll love this one as much as I do! It's kinda deep... Please let me know what you guys think. You're comments and kind words really do make writing this that much more enjoyable.

Clarke allows herself to finally succumb to the blood loss induced exhaustion of the day's events. She had lost a lot of blood, way more then was healthy or safe really but she didn't care. Not in the slightest. She needed to feel something for what she did today. That was not ok, she was not ok. Not in any sense. Sure Emerson deserved it but who was she to make him suffer like that and feel little to no remorse. Wanheda.

Her hip was screaming and her muscles ached around the would where they had been ripped through by a less then sharp blade. She had deserved that though too. And a lot worse if she was being honest. She deserved so much worse which is why she didn't let Lexa patch her up until she was stumbling and dizzy in the cave. It was stupid but Clarke really didn't care.

She saw Lexa's heart breaking over and over that day and she didn't want to deal with that. She didn't want to have to address her clear feelings for the girl or how they had come out when she was dying, unconscious in that bed for over a week. She was in love with the Commander and the only thing she could do about it was push her away. Clarke knew the only reason she had hated her so fiercely after the mountain was because she loved her so helplessly. She loved Lexa with all her heart and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it.

Deep in her sleep her ghosts find her. She hates sleeping now because of it, even more then she used too even as a child. She does everything she can to avoid it and people are noticing. The skin below her eyes was permanently colored as if she was a fight every night - she was though, just not one that left visible wounds. She wondered if that's part of the reason Lexa's war paint was the way it was, to hide it. Lexa's worry for her was so incredibly palpable, part of her wanted the brunette's comfort, most of her actually but the small part who was still mad at her didn't want it.

Fin's ghost is always first. He haunts her, calling princes over and over. I loved you princess. I trusted you to save us. You killed me. You killed those 18 innocent people. That was for you. She feels his life leave his body against hers as his head slumps down. Her knife plunge into his heart breaking it one last time. If only he had known she was ok. If he had remained that boy who only wanted peace. She had turned him into what happened. He was still just a kid.

Wells' ghost comes next. Then Adam's. Then Charlotte. Then the people at TonDC. Then the 300 warriors join the crowd. Then it's Mount Weather. Dante. Anya. The sniper. Whatever grounders. Her Dad is always the last one and he burns like the mountain men.

She started muttering and tossing at the TonDC victims surrounding her. They had died for nothing. Lexa's people died for no reason. "Clarke." She feels a hand on her shoulder shanking her. "Clarke wake up. You are only dreaming. It is not real. Clarke wake up." Clarke is brought from her nightmare by Lexa's light voice. She's sweating and panting and has to fight the whimper forming deep in her throat. "It is ok, Clarke."

"It's not." She sits up as she's slowly tires to breathe through the panic ripping at her heart and the pain returning to her hip and ear. Lexa's green eyes are wide and filled with concern. She knows. She understands. Clarke knows she does. "Not now, Lexa." I don't want to talk about this now. I just want to be alone. But she didn't she just wanted to be held and told it would be alright as much as she knew it would be a lie. "It's time I took over watch anyway. You need to sleep." The green eyes are hooded by heavy eyelids that crease just below her eye as a sign of her exhaustion. Once or twice the brunette clenches her eyes shut as her body waves around unsteady. "You're eyes are hardly open and I know your head is killing you. Your concussion is no where near healed and you exerted yourself too much today."

The brunette nods and slides beneath the furs as Clarke slides out and to the opening of the cave. It doesn't take the girls breathing long to even out. She is a little surprised at Lexa's compliance but then again not really. She hadn't pushed Clarke since she'd beaten Roan. Not like she did in the month or so after Clarke had returned. She tried to make Clarke feel something, anything really, anger, hate, happiness… Lexa was too good for her. Clarke knew it. She had given her soul countless times for her people, her heart even more so. Yet she still remains Lexa, a little broken sure, but she still held compassion, forgiveness, wisdom where all Clarke had was nothing. At least that's how it felt.

Once she hears Lexa's breathing calm in sleep she sits down and curls her knees to her chest and burrows her head in her arms. Tears form in the corner of her eyes and she allows them to flow freely down face. Clarke was quiet, sniffling and only whimpering at a whisper as her body shook in rejection of her emotion. She saw herself sitting atop Emerson today, draining the life from him as slowly as she could medically. His blood had stained her pants at her knees. It was in the ridges of skin on her hands. It was on her face. It stained her heart. She hadn't really know where his blood started and hers ended.

Her ear stung and how close that bullet had been to ending her life, if you could even call it that anymore, didn't even phase her. She really could care less either way but a bullet to the head would be to easy for the pain she had caused. She deserved so much worse. So she's sure it was the universe's way of punishing her inside her own mind for what she has done to allow the lead to pass through her ear instead of her skull.

The tears were hot on her cheeks stinging her flesh and making it tight. She couldn't catch her breath either but she tried to breathe anyway. She was supposed to be a doctor. Save lives not take them. What had happened to her? The ground. Leadership. Bellamy had only reminded her of that yesterday morning. He was handling the lever pulling a lot better then she was. He hadn't pulled it though. Not really. He placed his hand on it sure but Clarke had pulled that lever with her entire being. It wasn't his responsibility, it wasn't his decision.

He was being a dick yesterday. He hadn't forgiven Lexa and wanted to know why Clarke was spending so much time in Polis with her and taking care of that bitch. Clarke couldn't give him a very good answer but had given him orders to take back to her mom and Cain. That's when he snapped and told her she didn't deserve to be in charge because people died when she was. It was coming from the deaths of some of their people at mount weather when it had exploded a few weeks ago. She sent Gina there to be in charge of getting the supplies out and the mountain had self-destructed killing the entire group and adding new faces to the crowed shadows that followed her in her sleep.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to kill any of you." Her chest had cracked open at this point. The emptiness deep below her sternum no longer contained to where her heart was but all through out her chest. She felt more like a shell of a person now then ever. Alone here in a damp cave where comfort was sleeping only a few feet away. But she wouldn't let herself have that luxury. She deserved every ounce of pain and she would suffer it on her own.

So many people are dead and it's my fault. I murdered innocent children. She can't breathe with out it hurting, her chest has gone so tight in panic trying to fight the emptiness echoing deep inside. Her time spent taking everyone else's burdens… her broad shoulders can't hold all of this anymore, the weight is just to much. Clarke can't suppress the flash backs and nightmares of the choices she's made and they all flood her vision. The things she's done… Oh the things she's done…

The last few weeks she was trying so hard to hold it together- burry it all deep behind the mask - because she knew once all this stuff surfaced… she would never be the same, she never could be. Not after.. She had tried so hard to be the leader she had to be, the leader her people needed, the leader they elevated her to with out her consent. She tried to be strong and unfazed for them but she couldn't do it anymore. Her heart had been broken and shattered so many times the pieces must be like grains of sand by now. But Clarke Griffen can't be broken because if I break then how will anyone else hold it together. If I break then how can my people trust me? How can they trust me anyway? The only thing that follows me is death. She had a sickening feeling that Lexa felt the exact same way.

Through her sobs and flashbacks of her friends looks she didn't hear the brunette stirring behind her. The still eyes trained on her. The smell of burning flesh. The slick blood between her fingers. It's not good enough. Try to remember we're the good guys. You killed him. There is warmth at her side and arms wrap around her. She wants to fight it but she can't, she can't fight anymore. How pathetic.

She leans into Lexa's body as the tears continue to run down her cheeks. "Lexa I'm a monster." She mutters into the air as Lexa sits beside her with a amor around her shoulder and one resting on Clarke's arm closest to the girl.

The hand gives a slight squeeze just above Clarke's elbow where it rests. "No, Clarke. You are not. Do not listen to the demons in your head."

"But I've killed so many. So many who trusted me, relied on me. I've given everything - everything I am- and it's still not good enough."

"It's not." Clarke stiffens in Lexa's arms and the brunette responds with gentle circles rubbing on her upper arm. "And it won't be. They will ask for more and you will give it because that is what we have to do. I know you did not ask for this. I know you do not want this, Clarke, but it is how things are. Your people chose you to lead them, and they did not choose wrong." Lexa wants so badly to protect the girl from the pain she suffers herself but she can't. She cant lie to her about this pain. She won't do that to Clarke because she deserves better.

"They did."

"No. You protected them from my army. You delivered them from the mountain. You made this peace."

"At what cost?" She turns to find herself getting lost in perfect grey-green eyes. "Lexa, at what cost?"

"Yours." Your peace. "You deserve so much better then this punishment you have been giving yourself. Give up your burden Clarke, you do not have to carry it alone. You do not have to punish yourself for saving your people. You are no murder, Clarke. You kill only when you must and you feel the pain of it so deeply. So deeply that it rips at your insides and you feel like…" Clarke nods only knowing that the feeling is too deep, to painful to really put into words but Lexa does. "all your bones are being crushed and your heart is being ripped from your already empty chest and your soul is draining from your veins like blood that spills from an open wound. You are suffocating and bleeding to death all at once." Her voice doesn't shake. It is low and steady and everything Lexa. Simple truth. Simple painful truth. Clarke bows her head forward in submission to the weight of the honesty those words carry. "That, Clarke.. That is not the heart of a monster."

Clarke doesn't respond she does not quite know how. Lexa's words are so honest and pure, she doesn't sugar coat it. She only lays the truth bare and Clarke finds comfort in that, heartbreaking - earth shattering comfort. Without consent Lexa turns her in her strong arms and Clarke allows it carful not to put much weight against the still injured arm. She tucks her head into the nape of the brunettes neck and lets the comfort that she's fought for so long surround her.

She lets herself really feel her heart breaking in her chest. The reality of her actions and their consequences wash over her in full, suffocating, waves that pound her just below the surface. She quits fighting as she tucks into Lexa's side.

The next sound from Lexa isn't soft words of honest, comforting, brutality, but maybe the most beautiful voice Clarke has ever heard. It's low and soft as she sings into Clarke's hair. The vibrations in her chest catching the scattered tears falling from blue eyes. The soft slow melody pulls her in closer as Lexa sings. The commander of the 13 clans had the voice of an angle.

Her voice carries through the song and then another thats slow and sad. Eventually the singing ends but neither of them move. Lexa's warm lips press to the top of her head as she pulls Clarke closer for a moment. Her chest rising slow and steady, heart drumming out the beat to Clarke's new favorite lullaby. "I am so so sorry, Clarke. I never meant…" The words seem to get caught in her throat and the blonde gazes up into wet green eyes. A lump of emotion slides down the font of Lexa's tanned muscular neck. "I never meant for you to become Wanheda. I never meant to turn you into that." The lips shake as they press to her forehead and Clarke's heart breaks in a whole new way.

She forces the corners of her mouth up in a soft smile offering some comfort to the older leader. Where a damp streak is a phantom on her cheek, Clarke reaches up to brush it with her hand. "Lexa, don't give yourself so much credit. It's not your fault." It's no one's fault. We both know that. She nods forward slightly into Clarke's hand still resting on her cheek. "Lets go to bed. No one really needs to keep watch and we know it."

"Sha, Clarke." Clarke makes herself slide from the other girls arms struggling to stand up with the injury at her hip. She reaches her hand down to help up the brunette who takes it in her own, running her thumb across the backs of Clarke's knuckles. They walk hand in hand over to the furs and Clarke slides back under them with a shiver. Lexa returns to the fire that has become glowing embers and stacks it expertly willing it back to life as the air in the cave immediately starts to warm again.

Lexa stands near the furs a little hesitant to share a bed with the blonde. She is so mindful of Clarke's feelings and her wants and at the realization the whole in her chest doesn't seem so gaping. She pulls the furs back inviting her in but the older girl is still hesitant "Lexa, come on, get in. It's ok."

Tentative eyelids close over her green eyes as she nods forward. Bending slowly down she slides beneath the furs. Laying on her back she is mindful to still give Clarke as much space as she can. Clarke allows for it for a moment but the hole is returning in her chest that seemed to only go away when she was in Lexa's arms. The older girl's breathing hasn't evened out though her eyes were closed Clarke could tell she wasn't asleep.

"Lexa," she chokes out around a lump of emotion in her throat. "c-can you hold me?" She turns on her side to face the brunette as the green eyes flutter into view. She looks down at Clarke with a tender smile.

"Of course, Clarke." The blonde curls up next to her as the other girl rolls to her side, facing the same direction looking toward the fire. Lexa's top arm naturally moves around her and she hugs it close laying her head on. The warmth of her body behind Clarke is soothing, and Lexa's small strong arms gently holding her give a sense of security though there is no real threat at the moment.

Lexa shifts behind her and Clarke feels her shoulder roll behind her as she tries to loosen the tightness. Soon the blonde realizes she is pulling on the damaged joint as she hugs it to her chest. Clarke loosens her grip on Lexa's soft skin to let the older girl re-situate in the blanket. She seems to relax into Clarke's back and the younger girl finds herself scooting closer to her chest and Lexa hugs her snugly to her chest in return. They both keep gaze at the flames dancing around the dry wood as they get settled, it's mesmerizing.

"Is that better?" Clarke turns her head to ask the owner of her comfort. She just wants her to be comfortable. She is quite hurt and Clarke knows how she tries to hide it, pushing her arm past it's limits.

"Sha." She nuzzles her nose into the back of Clarkes head burying it deep in her still slightly damp curls.

"Resh op, Heda."

"Good night Clarke."

Somewhere along the night Clarke gets caught in a terrible nightmare. Dante is a lion trying to rip her to shreds. One by one her fingers are ripped off, then her limbs and finally he is ripping out her heart, claws tearing her chest cavity open - pulling each rib from her chest separately. He starts to bark and growl "Clarke." over and over until it fades and it's no longer the old man's raspy voice but a female's pleading. "Clarke wake up." She opens her eyes to Lexa holding her fast to her chest, her legs pinning Clarke's. Clarke realizes she must have been thrashing and had turned over at some point in her sleep because Lexa's face is a breath from hers.

"It's just a bad dream." Clarke tries to brush it off but she's trembling now and can feel the sweat on the back of her neck as it's caught in her hair line. It only makes Lexa pull her in tighter.

"It is ok Clarke. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." she whispers and kisses Clarke on the forehead. "Not if I can help it. You are safe Skai Prisa."

"Don't ever leave me." Clarke allows herself to whisper back before burying her face into Lexa's pounding chest. Her own is pounding just as hard as she hides into the other girl. Right now her hold makes Clarke feel like nothing bad will ever happen.

"I couldn't even if I wanted to. Never again." The blonde finally relaxes and the trembling ceases. Her breath and heartbeat returns to their usual pace as she takes in Lexa's scent. She finally allows herself to fall back into sleep as she matches her breathing to Lexa's that tickles the top of her head.

Clarke wakes up to a raging storm outside lightning striking flashing light through the mouth of the cave. She can't help the alone feeling creeping over her skin. There is no warmth coming from Lexa beside her. She gets the feeling of a pair of eyes watching and slowly she lifts her head to see that Lexa is sitting with her back against the cave a slight shimmer of sweat on her forehead. Clarke realizes she must have been pushing that shoulder again in the privacy of the cave while Clarke slept. Immediately the edginess she woke up with is gone as she notices the wide tender Lexa is wearing with eyes watching her softly as though she was a glowing angle. Lexa's nose is crinkled at it's bridge as she is deep in thought.

Clarke's voice comes out raspy with sleep as she chokes on the lack of moisture in the back of her throat. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing. Lexa, I can practically hear you thinking." She pushes as she works her way over to the older leader and leans against her chest. Lexa's arm wraps around her like it's the most natural thing in the world and sighs as it finds its rest on the top of the blonde's shoulders.

"I almost lost you. I abandon you at the mountain. I know we were going into battle and you could have died there but I would have been with you. I could have protected you - shared this with you. I did not know if you would make it." She speaks softly in the blonde's ear. Her lips grazing her skin and her breath tickling against her flesh. "It was hard to sit and wait for word of your fate... Knowing I could not do anything to protect you. Knowing I made the decision to save my people over you. It brooke my heart, Clarke. I wanted so badly to return to your side, to have never made the deal…"

"Lexa.."

"Clarke I wanted nothing but to fight with you and return to Polis with you to celebrate the liberation of our people. My heart ached so badly… I missed having you by my side. The way you looked at me. The way you saw me." Her head finds rest onto of blonde curls ruffled up to resemble a lion's mane. "I missed you, Clarke."

"I missed you too." She holds a clammy palm in hers and presses the back to her lips.

"Honestly, I thought you wouldn't make it out of the mountain. But afterward when there was no word of you from the scouts I sent, I knew something was wrong and I became afraid all over again. There were roomers that you died in place of your people. I tried not to believe them but… I could not put it past you. l remember how you pleaded with me to take your life instead of Finn's."

"Part of me did die, at least I thought it had." It's the first time she's actually said it out loud and hit hits Clarke a little harder then she expected. It's like an elephant is sitting on her chest. Not allowing any passage of air through her lungs. "But… with you… I can feel it coming back."

"Clarke your heart is so big… larger then your stubbornness even." She jokes, lightening the mood a little from this topic they had avoided for two months. She presses her lips just above Clarke's ear and shifts slightly behind her.

"How is your arm? I know you tried to push it this morning. You and I both know it still bothers you more then you let on." She asks with a accusing concern. You need to take it easy.

"It hurts. I need it to be better… Clarke," She chokes out "If I can't.. If it cannot heal.. I am never going to be the same. I must be able to fight for my people."

"I'm sorry Lexa, but I know we'll figure something out if it comes to that." She gives the hand still in hers a squeeze. "You are so much more then a warrior, Lexa."

"Clarke something is wrong." She presses her nose to the top of the blonde head again. The worry stricken panic drips off her voice. Clarke's heart jumps into her throat, Lexa wouldn't just admit that.

"When we get back we will go to arcadia. My mom will check it out and we'll figure out what's going on." She turns to face Lexa as she places her hand on the girls hip across her body. "I know our medicine scares you and you don't trust it but she can fix it if it needs to be. The recovery will be long and hard probably but you can get your shoulder back. We can do it in a time of secure peace and until then we will work on it to keep it functioning. Ok? We'll figure it out, Lexa."

The arm falling around the blonde's back squeezes her tight to the brunette's slight side. Clarke tilts her head up from where it rests against her shoulder to get lost in those swimming green eyes. "I trust you, Clarke."

Lightning strikes again and the cave fills momentarily with a bright light before the steady glow of the fire dances back off Lexa's tanned features. Clarke finds herself mesmerized by her beauty. She is so small but so so big. So soft but so strong. So many contradictions wrapped all into one and in this Lexa is so very human.

The green eyes seem to be taking Clarke in as well as the two just look at each other in a peaceful quiet filled with the noises of rain and the crackling of the fire. "You are so beautiful." Lexa finds herself whispering into the air.

Clarke's hand tightens slightly at the muscular hip as she feels her cheeks warming under the tender gaze. Lexa opens her mouth to apologize but before any sound escapes he small pink lips Clarke slides up takes them in her own. The warmth of her lips on Clarke's again after so long mends the blonde's heart a little more, if only for the moment. It is tender and chaste not unlike the first, but this kiss is different too. It's not questioning but yet still tentative as the soft lips press into each other moving slowly together. They aren't on the brink of battle, it's not a distraction. The two leaders are fully aware of what is happening, focused on the touch of their flesh, the breaths from their noses that tickle the other's cheek.

Lexa slides around not breaking the kiss but not urging it on either - not yet. She leans Clarke back on the ground tilting her chin to deepen the kiss and waiting for a response. Clarke slides her tong between her lips to taste Lexa's which part immediately allowing the blonde entrance. She hums with content as their tongs explore each other. The kiss remains slow as they press firmly closer together, both wanting more.

Lexa's hips sit onto of Clarke's but off to the side mindful of the still fresh wound. Her hand at Clarke's hip advances up her side to rest on the side of her ribcage just grazing her brest. The touch sends a shiver down Clarke's body and she responds by sliding her hand around so her fingertips play at the small of Lexa's back through her soft thin shirt.

Clarke's mind is wondering as they kiss but she tries to focus on the goddess who kisses her like she could break any moment but also with such firmness… A thumb moves at her side and brushes the side of her breast through her shirt slow and gentle. Clarke stiffens at where she sees this going. Where part of her wants it to go, but where she knows isn't really safe for Lexa's still severally concussed sate nor her own emotional one.

Lexa senses the apprehension immediately and moves her hand away from Clarke's chest as she pulls back from the kiss. She rests her forehead on Clarke's looking deep into her eyes as her eyelashes tickle the blondes and their lips remain a whisper apart. "What is wrong, Clarke? I am sorry, I did not mean to make you uncomfortable.." She kisses the blonde gently, her lips lingering on Clarkes not quite touching but not quite not either.

"I want this, Lexa I do." She starts closing her eyes as she fights with herself. She reaches her hand between them and cups the side of Lexa's face. "It's just-"

"If you are not ready, Clarke, I will wait."

"I want to be." She kisses her back in the same soft manner. "I am for some parts. I want this, us. But.. I know if you keep touching me like that… I know what it would have lead to…" her cheeks turn red in embarrassment "I'm not ready for that. I really really want to be, but I'm not. I'm sorry, Lexa."

Her thumb runs along the girls cheekbone above her. "Do not be sorry, Clarke. We will go however slowly you need." Her words tickle Clarke's skin before Lexa's lips find hers in a quick reassuring kiss before she rolls off and rests her head Clarke's now toned stomach, using it as a pillow.

She sighs as small gingers slide their way through her loos hair, the braids removed sometime last night. Lexa finds herself admitting something the commander cannot really afford. "I could stay here forever with you. Nothing but the two of us."

Clarke rubs her head, her hands running through her soft hair with her free arm as her head rests on the other one bent behind it. "I wish it could be that simple." She returns a soft sigh feeling the weight of Lexa's head.

"Me too." The brunette sits up slowly as to not disturb the spinning that's stopped in her skull and checks the bandage on Clarke's ear. She moves to check the wound at Clarke's hip that is colored a dark purple from the torn muscle. She applies new salve and a fresh bandage to it before bending down to press her lips lightly on the top of the bandage.

Lexa helps Clarke up and the two get back beneath the furs both knowing that the weather would not allow them to return to Polis that day. "Thank you." The blonde whispers to the small leader tucked into her uninjured side.

"The pleasure is mine, Clarke. It is the least I can do." Lexa's arm snakes it's way around Clarke's middle and after a beat she whispers softly. "Thank you for taking care of me when I most needed it. Thank you for being there. It was a comfort to my soul to know you were beside me."

"You.. You knew?" Clarke turns her head toward the brunette where it rests at the junction of her neck and shoulder.

"Sha. I only wish I could have comforted you, but my body would not obey."

Clarke is quiet for a moment taking in what the older girl might have heard, what she might remember. And realizing that she never acted on any of it. She let Clarke have the privacy she thought she had. Lexa is too damn good. The blonde tilts her chin to press a soft kiss to Lexa's forehead and the two drift off to peaceful sleep to the sounds of the storm and the gentle rise and fall of the chest of the girl pressed against each of them. Lexa's heart beat is indeed the rhythm of Clarke's new favorite lullaby.