Beta: Hannah_perry85

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. But if I did this is how it would've gone down

A/N: My fifth entry for the Better In Texas Winter Wonderland Contest.

Slightly edited. (My poor beta had nothing to do with the new mistakes)

Now with additional nicknames (I'm not telling, you have to read for yourself)

Will turn into a four or five shot. (No schedule or anything)

And 188 more words

1.

"But…Whyyyy?" I wasn't too proud to whine like a little baby, not if there was a chance I would get out of whatever I didn't want to do. Just because I lost my temper one time…or maybe twice…Whatever. Just 'cause I had a teeny tiny anger problem the fucking Alpha had sentenced me to bitch-sit. It wasn't fair.

"It's our week," Sam rubbed the furrow between his brows and groaned tiredly. "You know she spent the last one with the Cullens."

Gah, could it sound any more fucked up? I chortled. Like we have joint custody or sumthin? But in our case Mama leech and Papa wolf weren't the ones with the questionable pleasure of taking care of their little bundle of joy. Nope - I smacked my lips to make the pop – we were the unlucky bastards who had to deal with her.

At least she was potty trained…I hoped. Gah. Me on diaper duty? Fuck. That.

Sam's eyes hung at half-mast and he looked ready to keel over any second. With the pack, Em being pregnant, and Sparkle and Furry fighting over Miss possibly-in-Depends he had run himself ragged lately. And I wasn't exactly helping with the shit I was pulling. "Someone's gotta look after her, make sure they give her space," he reminded me, as if I didn't already know.

After the newborn battle the future Mrs. Tick's feet got cold aaaaand…that's it. She realized she didn't know which of the two virgins she wanted and asked for some time to think.

Hot and Chill took it well for about…oh I dunno, five seconds, and then the smear campaigns started. And with that came the serenading. Vanilla Ice had some pipes on him I could give him that, but Gingerbread Crunch…not so much.

Damn. Now I was hungry. Gah. Whatever. Point was they didn't leave her alone, trying to get her to pick between them and shit. Yeah… she didn't find the stalking all that hot either, one day she just cracked at the grocery store and started crying in the frozen food section. I thought it was hilaaaaarious. The Bosses 'R Us didn't.

A sit-down was arranged, a schedule was drawn so everyone could get their quality hang time and they ruled that neither of the boy wonders could see her until she was ready to pick.

And that's why we were here. I fucked up one too many times and was sentenced to bitch-sitting. Someone had to make sure Dick Dastardly and Muttley stayed away from her until she changed her mind...again.

As long as she wasn't on the fast track to become the next Mrs. Frostbite she was under our protection. A bunch of us had a poll going on just how long that would be. For all we knew she planned on stringing them along forever. Fuck, I hoped not. The hilarity aside, I had other shit to do.

"Fine, I'll do it." I rolled my eyes, pretending I actually had a say. "But what the fuck am I supposed do with her?" The only thing I knew about girls was how to get them naked. The chick needed a U-Haul to transport all her baggage. I preferred my women easy, thank you very much.

"I don't know what she likes to do," Sam huffed. "Bella usually hangs out with Emily, but we haven't been sleeping well lately…" His lids drooped and time kept tick, tick, ticking so I figured he nodded off on me "…How about a horse and carriage ride?" He slurred kinda out of nowhere, which had my brows playing hide-and-seek beneath my hairline. "It's not snowing tonight."

He was right. The weather had been doing an Elsa impersonation for weeks. One day when shit didn't fall from the sky was alllll good in my book.

"Sure, why not. It sounds like the least bit of fun I could have, which is probably perfect for her."

Sam yawned widely until his jaw cracked. Freaky. "Just make sure she stays warm. Can't have her getting sick on your watch."

When I left Sam's house ten minutes later it was with one promise from him to catch some zees and one promise from me to treat Undecidella like a fucking queen. Whateverthehell that meant. Was I supposed to bow down to her, what? 'Cause that I could do. I licked my lips trying to imagine what she'd taste like.

The Things ambushed me when I was halfway to Big Bird's house.

"Where are you going?" Thing 1 yipped, trying to sound as threatening as he couldn't.

I snickered, "To charm the panties off your Main Squeeze. Be jealous, children," I wiggled my brows suggestively, "be very jealous."

Lurch found this hi-hi-hi-larious. His laughter could only be described as neighing in falsetto. Painful. I shuddered. "The fair Isabella would never go for someone so blatantly sexual," hebrayed. "You're a Neanderthal. Her delicate sensibilities couldn't handle a brute such as you."

"Yeah, what he said," Cousin It barked, like he bought a clue or something.

I rolled my eyes. Gah. Whatever.

To see if they were done puffing their chest out I gave them a brief look-see and something caught my attention. Bake was dressed the same as me, a pair of cutoffs. It was the standard pack uniform, so not weird.

No, the fucked up part was the bloodless one's clothes. The reddish brown of his knitted sweater reminded me of the color of my skin, so much that it was disturbing, really and his walking sticks were hidden in a pair of black pants. "Waaaaaait a minute…" I looked to one then the other. "Why do you match? Have you…what's it called… color coordinated?" Huh, well if this didn't open up doors to other possibilities, I didn't know what. Couldn't say I was entirely surprised though; they had been spending an ah-ha-ha-ha-hawful lotta time together. "Soooo, I'm gonna leave the happy couple to…whateverthehell you're doing and go take Miss Whiter than Snowfor a ride." Wiggle, wiggle.

Sweet n' low and the Alpaca-in-the-making hissed and sputtered. Guess their delicate sensibilities couldn't handle me either. Bawhahahaha. Alllll good.

The rest of the way was smooth sailing and before I knew it I was in Little Girl Blue's front yard, horse and carriage on the ready, just waiting for her to get her ass out of the house. The cattle weren't her responsibility anymore.

The all too generous Suckers paid for anything related to our young Stray so I just bribed the coachman to meet me at the right address. The only thing I actually knew about her was how much she hated when Popsicle or Beefcake, or anyone really, spent money on her. No way she'd turn this down if she knew there was no refund and that I paid extra.

"Get out here, Swan!" I howled. "We're going for a riiiiiide!"

A single eye peeked out through the slit in the door. "Maybe I don't want to?"

Cue the eye roll. "From the bottom of my heart, I don't give a fuck."

She huffed and puffed but didn't blow her house down. She came stomping out two endless minutes later, slipped on the icy porch and fell right into my arms. "And here I thought you had enough men in your life, Swan," I scolded her teasingly. "You sure you want to add another to the list?"

Her baby glare and weak push earned her a wide grin, but time was a-wasting so I just grabbed her and plopped her down on the bench seat. "Now stay." She stuck out her tongue at me, making me snicker.

"How much?" I asked the ancient looking driver.

"Do you have a destination in mind, Sir?" Hoke croaked.

Sir? I choked on a chuckle. "How far does this get me?" I slapped a handful of bills into his wrinkly hand.

"Um…" he hesitated. "I'm pretty sure this can get you to Seattle and back, Sir."

Bawhahahaha. Again with the Sir. I liked this guy. "Nah, that won't be necessary. Just drive us around until we say otherwise."

The carriage took off just as I parked my fine ass next to Weak-and-Silent. But silence wasn't my thing so I turned to Birdie, figuring I'd try to piss her off so she'd want to call it a night. Sam couldn't blame me for being me, now could he? Nah.

She was all dolled up in a skirt and one of half-coat things, plus a pair of hot boots that went up to her knees. "Awww, Swan," I shoulder checked her carefully. "Got yourself pretty just for me? I'm touched, truly."

"Alice picked out these clothes," she mumbled, her cheeks red. "She said I would need them for tonight."

Well, wasn't she adorable? "How about making your own decisions?" I didn't want to judge… A lot. But come ooon, she was a grown woman, and if she couldn't even choose what to wear…. The not-so-wise-men had a looooong wait ahead of them.

She sighed heavily. "I know. It's just so hard."

I rolled my eyes. It was beginning to become a habit. "All I hear is waah waah my vagina hurts. Slap a bandage on it and make a fucking choice."

She took an unsteady breath and I worried she was about to start bawling. Gah. "You gonna cry?" Paul Lahote did not do well with tears.

"No," she snapped, with a little more bite to her voice. Good for her.

Silence stretched, which sucked so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "How about you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?" I joked…Well sorta. I was bored, and a little horny. I figured the least she could do was give me a handjob, you know? I expected her to bite my head of, so color me stunned when she giggled. Fucking giggled. And the sound went straight to my dick.

Remembering Sam's warning to keep her warm I pulled up the faux bearskin to cover our laps, and as we got comfortable I made up my mind; I was gonna get her to make that sound again. Christmas was right around the corner, giving me the perfect in. "So what kinda gifts do you prefer, Swan? Soft…or hard?" I winked and flicked my tongue. "I bet you like 'em hard, dontcha? Did you ask Santa for something hard this year?" Annnnnd there went the sexy as fuck giggle again. My cock twitched.

She seemed relaxed, even smiled a little, so I popped the question everyone had been dying to ask her. No, not that one. What are you, insane? "Are you ever gonna put 'em out of their misery, Swan?" Her smile fell, but I pushed some more. "They're not ice cream flavors, they're human beings…well, sorta…Anyway… You can't have 'em both."

"I know," she was back to weak whispers again and it pissed me off.

"For fucks sake, Birdie. You have to know who you want more, or…" I wondered… "Don't you want either of them?"

Silence.

Oh-hoooo. Color me unsurprised. "So what are you gonna do about it?"

Silence.

Gah. I wanted the sexy giggles back. "How about you go for what's behind door number three?" I winked and pointed between my thighs, where my big fat cock tented my shorts.

The sound my zipper made when she slooooowly pulled it down, tooth by tooth seemed to echo against the trees. Holy shit. I couldn't believe it.

For the longest time nothing happened while the seconds rushed by us with the speed of a train. Come on. Touch me. Come ooon. Toooouuucheee meeeeee. Aching, I almost jumped out of my own skin when one of her soft hands slipped inside of my open fly and hissed a breath between my teeth when she wrapped her fingers around my painfully hard dick. Holy fucking shit.

Pulling her up on my lap I caught her lower lip between my teeth. Hooooly shit she felt good. All female scents and soft curves. What had she been hiding underneath her baggy clothes? Her tit fit the palm of my hand like it was made for me, and the sounds she made as I pinched her nipple made me close to blowing it waaaaay to early.

"Careful," I whispered and bunched up the skirt, pushing it up around her waist. "I don't want it to be over too fast." I rubbed circles over her smooth thighs, closer and closer to the promise land.

By then I was practically humping her hand. I scraped my teeth down her neck screaming on the inside to bite her. To mark her. Gaaaaah. Don't bite. "Lemme touch you, baby." Please.

"Wha…what about...?" she was barely coherent. Me and my wolf loved what we were doing to her. She loved it too. We could smell it on her.

Pressing my nose against the crook of her neck I grinned against her fluttering pulse, "Just be quiet and he'll never know." Riiiight.

The tip of my fingers found her bare and dripping. I wanted to taste her direct from the source, but it had to wait for another time. I sucked one of my fingers into my mouth and growled. Dee-hee-licious.

She was tight, which was expected, soaked, and loud as fuck. "Yesssss, Oh..." gasp, "My…" gasp, "Gooooood…." She squeezed the hell out of me while crying out my name. It was awesome.

I fucked her hand like I would her pussy. "Fuck, baby," I groaned. "I want you so much."

"Yesssss, please," she moaned and I almost fist pumped the air.

Gah. Fuck yes. "Wanna help me out," I held her up with a firm grip on her waist while she freed my cock from my shorts. With minimal direction she lined me up with her sweet entrance and together we slowly lowered her down onto me. "Fuuuuuuck," I swear, for a moment I saw stars and babies and shit, that's how perfect she felt.

Her instincts were so fucking on it as she rocked up and down, back and forward. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and my fingers, still soaked from her juices searched out her clit to get her to where I was, 'cause the way she felt there was just no way I would last. "Perfect…Gah." Her muscles trembled and I urged her on. "Let go, baby." I thrust upwards to meet her rolling hips. "Gimme one more, you can do it, baby."

She cried out my name again as she came and that was all it took for me to blow it. I shouted her name and pressed my lips against her pulse. Hard. Don't bite. Don't bite. Don't bite.

Panting. Stillness.

Silence.

"Ummm…" I didn't know what to say. She could regret it. So could I, but I didn't. Gah. She better not regret it. I hugged her to me and waited for her breathing to calm. "I think we better go see Sam." I suggested, hoping she was behind me on that.

I felt her nod against my chest and relaxed some.

After I gave Hoke directions to the rez, the rest of the ride was spent in silence and for once I didn't hate it.

He was already outside waiting for us when we got to his house. "Paul, what have you done?" Sam groaned.

"What you told me, I made sure she stayed warm."

~The End~

Big Bird – Chief Swan

Hoke (Colburn) was Morgan Freeman's character in Driving Miss Daisy

Depends – Adult diapers