The thing that Kakashi hates the most about depression – and there are a lot of things he hates about depression – is this:

He cannot remember the date; he does not know if the last time he ate was lunch or dinner last night. How long has it been since he's spoken with Asuma? He saw him a little while ago, with Kurenai – yesterday? last week? – and he'd wanted to talk to them – he liked them; they were (sort of) friends – but he couldn't find words, couldn't force anything he wanted to say past his stiff tongue or he blanked out, drifting, missing bits of conversation, unable to think of how to respond to what he caught. It was awkward and stilted. He whipped out his book and pretended disinterest; the conversation faltered; they left. His chest constricted, and he couldn't find the words – or the courage – to ask them to stay. Shame filled him, so he made himself stop thinking about it and focused on Icha Icha. If he thought about it he would feel that shame again, and when he was reading he didn't have to think.

(He can't remember how long it's been since Gai has challenged him, but that's okay. The thing with Gai is that he's consistent, and he does all the work.)

He keeps thinking he should visit with Tenzou. He knows – thinks? – he's thought this before, several times. He doesn't know if he's done it. He's not doing anything right now, he could go and do that – but he doesn't. He wants to, but he doesn't move. When a couple minutes of trying to talk himself out of bed doesn't do anything, he gives up. He kind of wants to read, but he can't make himself reach for his book. He stares at the ceiling for another two hours. Maybe. It might have been six. He takes out his book.

If he's focusing on Icha Icha (Not-focusing; Icha Icha is cheerful and light and sexy and entirely without substance; it doesn't take brainpower to read. He doesn't remember any of it once he's done but not thinking for a while is a blessed relief.) he doesn't have to focus on being ashamed of himself. Or scared. It's been long enough since he's seen most of his friends that he's frightened Hatake Kakashi does not get frightened – apprehensive of seeing them again.

He knows that relationships take work to maintain, that he'll lose what friendships he has if this keeps going, but he tells himself that he doesn't care. He doesn't need friendship. He's fine.

(There's nothing really wrong with him, he tells himself. He's just lazy.)

(And anyway, it's not like he deserves friends.)