Now, this chapter is where things start to get really
silly! From now on, don't expect things to be remotely sensible, all
right?
One little note: in Burnet's vaguely Black Country accent, "day"
means "didn't".
When You're in a Hole, Start Digging
Chapter 2: The Lutrine Belle
The two young bucks left the burrow fairly quickly, having
been advised by Burnet that "'might be a good idea, y'know, if you'm
out the way 'fore Thlayonil gets back, like, or 'er's gonna be askin' what
you'm doin' round 'ere, sort o' thing." Pausing only to nibble
slightly at a small pile of dry grass that had appeared outside the burrow
entrance, they made their way down to the nearby stream, where they hopped
around somewhat lazily until Loganberry heard a familiar chirping.
"Oh, hi Looty," he said. "Where are you off to?"
"School," replied the otter cub shortly. "Want to come
with me?"
Loganberry was about to decline, but Rooli Roo got in first. "Oh
yeah!" he exclaimed excitedly. "I haven't been to school for a
while."
"That's because you were thrown out for eating in class,"
pointed out Loganberry.
"I know. It's terribly unfair: I'm hardly the only kitten to have
done that."
"But three whole lettuces? In one go?"
"I'm a growing rabbit."
"You certainly are."
By this time the three friends had squelched their way through the
shallow mud along the riverbank almost to the mouth of the school-hole,
but their way was suddenly blocked by a large and none too
friendly-looking dog otter.
"Holt! Who goes there?" he demanded.
"Come on Pebble, you know me," said Looty. "And these two
rabbits are my friends: they're coming to class with me. You know we're
all right."
"What I know," responded Pebble, "is that I have to
challenge all intruders. Trust no-one, they said. It's a dog's life in the
army, they said. Mens sana in corpore sano, they said. Give the pass
symbol, and look lively about it."
"Seventh seal," said Looty rather wearily.
"Pass, friends."
"What does that mean?" asked Rooli Roo as they made their way
along the holt's tunnels.
"What, seal? It's just another word for an otter's footpr-"
"No, no. I know that. I meant 'seventh'."
"Comes after sixth."
"And what's that?"
Looty cast about for a way to explain. "Well, how do you count the
places when you have a race?" he asked.
"I don't go in for racing. Takes the edge off my appetite,"
said Rooli Roo emphatically.
"Well, all right. But just say you did - how would you count
the finishers?"
"Easy: ethile, sithile, desthile, kesthile, hraithile."
"Okay. But what comes after 'hraithile'?"
"Hraithile."
"And after that?"
"Hraithile."
"And after that?"
"Hraithile."
Looty gave up. "Oh, just forget it. Bloody stupid lagomorphs,"
he added under his breath.
By this time they were going quite fast, as Looty had realised that he
was a little bit late, and thanks to Rooli Roo not looking where he was
going, they all tumbled into the classroom in a heap of rather bedraggled
fur. The teacher, Plantain, looked at them. She didn't say anything about
the performance, but then she hardly needed to.
"Sorry I'm late, Plantain," said Looty. "These rabbits are
Loganberry and Rooli Roo - I think I've told you about them before. They'd
like to sit in on the lesson, if it's all right with you. They're very
interested in how other animals learn," he lied.
"Ye-es. I've heard a lot about you, Rooli Roo," said Plantain
carefully. "I suppose we can accommodate them for a while. Anyway,
Looty, as you seem so keen to make an impression today, you'd better be
the one to answer the first question. Please tell me the First Law of
Furmodynamics."
Looty looked relieved: this was his favourite subject. "Meat is work
and work is meat," he answered.
"Quite right. The most important rule of all: if you want food, then
you have to get out there and hunt for it. No use spending your days
sliding around on the banks if you're not prepared to put in some serious
effort. Now then, who can give us all the Second Law?"
Rooli Roo jumped up and down: "me! me! me!" (Loganberry rolled
his eyes), but was ignored. Plantain's eyes alighted on a small bitch-cub
who had curled up in a dark corner of the den.
"Pondweed!" she said sharply, awaking the sleeping cub, who
looked up guiltily to a chorus of amused whickering from her classmates. "As
you seem to be so comfortable with us today, I'm sure you can impress
everyone with your knowledge of the Second Law of Furmodynamics. Hmmm?"
Pondweed was still only half-awake. "Er... um... Second... of...
yes..."
"It's the one that explains why you can't just expect other animals
to give you their food," prompted Plantain with great patience.
"Oh yes," said Pondweed. "It's... er... meat... that... I
know it... from..." she trailed off into silence.
"Doesn't look like it, does it?" said Plantain. "Pondweed,
you can stop behind afterwards and help me brush up the playbank's
spraintwork. Now, our young lapine visitor" (she glanced at Rooli
Roo, trying hard to avoid discovering exactly what he was doing to the far
wall) "seems to be rather more enthusiastic than most of you, but I
would like an answer. Anyone? Oh well, I suppose this is another
one for you, Looty."
Looty looked a little smug as he gave the correct definition: "Meat
cannot of itself pass from one body to an otter's body."
The lesson continued without further incident for some time, but
eventually Rooli Roo's scratching brought down a quantity of noisome mud
on top of both him and Plantain, and it was suggested, in so many words,
that it might be an idea if the rabbits discovered some other pressing
engagement. Elsewhere. Now.
"I can't take you anywhere, can I?" complained Loganberry as
they hurried out.
* * *
Things were little better at home. Burnet, seeing the rabbits return,
lumbered up to them, and spoke with what by his standards passed for
urgency.
"You'm in trouble, like," he said. "'Chief's bin onto me,
an' e's bin tellin' me in no uncertain terms, sort o' thing, that 'e wants
t'see y'in the Great Burrow, an' 'e day soun' very 'appy 'bout it, either,
like. Says y've bin at 'is best grass, an' scarin' the kittens by comin'
up b'hind 'em an' pretendin' t'be bloody great 'are or summat. 'E's not
'appy, really. I'd goo in right now, like."
Beechnut was waiting for them with a look of resigned annoyance which
Rooli Roo, in particular, had seen rather more often than he might have
liked during his short life. Beside him was the beautiful Thlayonil, who
as ever gave an impression of utter calmness and serenity.
"Really, Loganberry," began Beechnut. "I'm surprised at
you, frankly. It's hardly the first time I've seen Worcesterberry here
(Rooli Roo winced at the name), but I'd have thought you'd know
rather better than to get involved in such stupid things. Of course jokes
and tricks are part of what makes us rabbits - why, when I were a kitten
we thought nothing of hopping hrair fields every day, uphill, in the snow,
and then back again, hrair times, just to lead our friends off the scent
of a dandelion. And we didn't have all these Great Burrows in those days,
I can tell you. No, we had to make our own scrapes and damn well like it.
And we still had enough left for a portion of cowslip on the way back."
Loganberry and Rooli Roo glanced at each other. They'd heard all this
before.
The Chief Rabbit remembered himself. "But anyway. I really cannot
condone this sort of behaviour, especially when it undermines my
authority."
"But what are we supposed to have been doing?" pleaded
Loganberry.
"Eating my grass!"
"Hay!"
"Looking like a hare!"
"Eh?"
"Eating my grass and looking like a hare. You're a buffoon!"
"But-" began Loganberry, but Thlayonil spoke for the first time
in her heart-melting silky voice.
"Oh really, Beechy-roo," she said. "Does it really matter?
It's not as if they've been fighting or spreading dissension, is it? I'm
sure they've learnt their lesson now, hmmm?"
The two accused bucks looked at each other, desperately trying not to let
their feelings about "Beechy-roo" become plain. Had Lord Frith
thought to bless rabbits with the gift of laughter, things might have gone
rather harder with them, but in the event their silent mirth was
contained, and the Chief, after a somewhat perfunctory lecture about
respect and hierarchy, drifted slowly once more into his accustomed doze,
alongside his accustomed doe.
Pausing only to purloin another of Burnet's ever-decreasing (in number)
hoard of carrots, the ever increasing (in girth) Rooli Roo bounded out of
the warren's main entrance, and stopped dead. For there, not more than
twenty yards away, was an enormous hare. And it was staring directly at
him.