James was about 73% sure that he was going to get killed tonight. Not very reassuring odds but he had faced worse. But never before had he been so nervous for his life.

Meeting your significant other's family will do that to you, he supposed.

James paced in the living room of his apartment.

A knock interrupted his thoughts then the sound of music being blasted through his door. A squeaky chipmunk voice screamed "You better not pout!"

James swung the door open. "Fucking hell, Sirius! Do you want to get mugged?"

Sirius grinned. "They wouldn't beat me up, I'm too beautiful."

James resumed his pacing as Sirius flopped down on the couch.

"Well, are you going to help me?"

"Mate, looks like you need a lot more help than I can give you. Maybe try the insanity ward at the med bay?"

James swore colorfully.

"Woah, language! What if Wormtail's young and innocent ears had been here?"

James did the most mature thing he could: stuck his tongue out at Sirius.

Sirius laughed. "Alright, relax! What's the worst that could happen? It's just a dinner with the parents, right?"

"The parents, the sister, and the sister's fiancé! I could make a total idiot out of myself and Lily would ignore me for the rest of our lives!"

"I wouldn't stress about you being an idiot, that's a given. It's going to happen, so no use stressing. Besides, Lily hasn't left you yet! And you're literally always an idiot, so that's a good sign!"

"Thanks Padfoot, you're the best best mate I could ask for."

"Oh, you better say that a little louder. I don't think the people over in Mecha heard your sarcasm."

"Ok, but seriously."

"Siriusly?"

James gritted his teeth. "I'm going to kick your sorry ass if you don't help me."

Sirius sniggered, then somehow managed to put on a straight face.

James frowned, unsure how to word what was really bothering him.

"It's just…I'm worried that…What if Lily's parents are…well, racist?"

Sirius looked at him in the eye. "Dude. They raised a daughter like Lily. I don't think you need to worry about that. I think you need to worry about coming across as more of an idiot that you actually are."

"Thanks mate. So how do I not sound like an idiot?"

"Alright. I have a suggestion."

"A useful one?"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Actually though, I'll help you practice."

"Practice what?"

"I'll be her parents and you be your disgusting self. I'll ask you questions and whatnot and you answer."

James stopped pacing. "Miracles do happen! A useful suggestion made by one Sirius Black."

He spun around to face Sirius. "Wait a minute."

"Are you sick? Do you have a fever? Are you on drugs?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Well, what's your name, young man?" He asked in an absurdly low voice.

James stood, unperturbed. "I'm pretty sure they'll know my name."

Sirius broke character. "Of course they'll know your name! But it's a power thing, you know? It'll seem like Lily doesn't say anything about you and they'll have the upper hand."

"D'you really think they'd do something like that?" James ruffled his hair.

"I dunno mate, you ever meet the bird's parents?"

"I will today!"

"Exactly." Sirius crossed his arms as though his point had been made.

James sighed. "This is ridiculous."

"Your name?" Sirius prompted.

"Lames Potty, my good sir." James retorted in an over exaggerated nasal accent.

Sirius shook his head. "Nah, mate, you got to do this right! And what if it's Lily's mum asking you the question?"

"Well you used a completely stupid low voice, so I assumed it was her dad!"

Sirius put a hand on James's shoulder. "Haven't you heard? Assume makes an ass out of you and me. And Lily's mom could have a low voice! How do you know what their voices sound like? It's not like you've met them yet!"

"Sirius I am going to strangle you with my bare hands, I swear."

Sirius raised his hands in an "I tried" gesture. "So how did you two lovebirds meet?" he asked in a falsetto. "That's her father, by the way."

James ignored the last remark.

"Well…Technically, outside a strip club?"

It was one of those dark, rainy nights that made James want to get home as soon as possible.

He was just passing by some club when he heard the telltale voice patterns of a sleaze.

James turned his head and saw a dark-haired girl, around his age, being confronted by some guy.

"Hey, you're a stripper aren't you, whore? Why don't you show me what you got huh?

James automatically started running towards the pair and just as the creep put an arm on the girl, he got there.

And there was another girl who must've come running like him, who had gotten there just an instance before. Her bright red hair was like a fucking beacon in the dimly lit night.

"Get the fuck away from her, you creep!" The redhead got between the man and the brunette.

"What, sweetheart, you wanna join us?" The guy leered.

The girl fucking decked him. It was a beautiful moment.

Then the creep's friends arrived. It looked like a gang of four or five.

"What the hell?" said one. "You two sluts are gonna pay" said another.

James figured that it was about time he joined in and helped.

He stepped up next to the brunette and said "What the hell is wrong with you sleazes? Go the fuck away and stop harassing people!"

The redhead turned in surprise and one of the guys took that moment to make a swipe at her. James pushed her out of the guy's reach and grabbed his arm and jerked it down and out. Hard.

There was a loud pop sound and the guy screamed. Hm, that stupid trick that Sirius taught him was actually useful.

The guys backed off, really fast, except for one. He sneered and spit at James.

"Fucking Paki. You're probably one of those terrorist scum."

James's vision went red. He'd had to deal with many remarks like this, but it didn't make him any less mad when someone said something like that.

But before James could do anything, the redhead knocked the guy down with one good hit.

The entire gang ran off.

The brunette said, "You guys didn't have to do that."

The redhead smiled, just barely. "Yes, we did."

The brunette nodded once. "A lot of people wouldn't have."

James spoke this time. "They'd be in the wrong then."

The brunette smiled, small and brief. "Thanks."

The redhead said "Get home safe, okay?

The brunette nodded just once more and left.

Then the redhead turned to face him. Her green eyes scanned him harshly.

"I had that covered." She said simply.

"You did."

"But you stepped in anyways."

"Like I said, if I hadn't, I'd have done the wrong thing."

The redhead gave a slow nod. "I'm Lily."

"James."

"Sorry about them."

"Me too. But I've got to say, it was beautiful to watch you kick their asses."

Lily smiled.

"It was nice to meet you James."

"Want to go get drunk and talk about how stupid humanity is?"

"I'd love to."

"Ah, yes. "Sirius sighed. "Power couple kicking bigoted jerkfaced ass together. Then getting wasted and having a one night stand together."

Sirius scrunched his face up. "But, you probably shouldn't tell her parents that you met in front of a strip club and bonded over beating dickfaces up. And then had s-"

"Sirius! But yeah, probably not great for a first impression. What do I say then?"

"Well, when was the next time you saw her?"

"Well, that time we kind of beat each other up. So. I dunno mate."

James was really fucking late for his first fucking class on his first fucking day of college.

What an auspicious start.

He was stumbling through the inner courtyard with his things when he got knocked into the ground in a flash of red.

"Fuck." He groaned. His glasses had skidded off his face and landed somewhere on the ground.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry!" Two hands put his glasses on his face. As his vision cleared, he saw a redhead lying next to him, presumably in pain as well.

"Lily?"

"James!"

"Woah! What were the odds?" He felt utterly bamboozled. Then he saw her knee.

Lily was wearing a plaid skirt and her knee must have scraped against the ground hard because it was gushing blood.

"Shit! I'm sorry."

She winced. "We're pretty even. Your face doesn't…look great either."

James reached a hand up to touch his face and "Holy fucking shit that hurts like a bloody fucking holy fuck!"

"Yeah. My thoughts exactly" She laughed.

"Fuck we're going to be so late for class."

"Ah fuck it. Too much pain."

"The struggle is real."

"Definitely don't tell her parents that the reason she missed her first college class was because she was lying on the ground next to you in pain." Sirius advised. "Pretty sure that's in "How Not to Make a Bad Impression 101"."

James sighed. "What do I do then?"

"Just say you met in college. Before your first class and you really, pardon my pun, hit it off."

James threw a pillow at him. "That was a fucking bad pun."

"Hell no, that was fucking amazing! And it was helpful!"

James chucked another pillow at him.

"Okay well, how did you ask her out?" Sirius reassumed his mom voice.

"Well, she asked me. With a really fucking bad pun."

Lily had very quickly become a really good friend of James. They had most of their classes together and she got along ridiculously well with Sirius, Peter, and Remus.

(He would later be informed that everyone had assumed they were dating. And that they were pretty much dating without the label or making out. Even though they had already had sex, so that was that)

It was the last class of Friday, with Professor Slughorn and naturally, the weather was terrible.

It was already dark and freezing, so even though class had ended, most of the students were still procrastinating on leaving the classroom.

They were all chatting and having a generally good time.

Lily checked her watch. "Goddammit, I better go or I'll be late."

Sirius mock-cried "Farewell fair maiden!" as she exchanged a fist bump with Peter, and an eye roll with Remus.

(Apparently, at this time, James had been staring at her with doe eyes)

She was putting on her scarf and said "Oh hey, James, will you go out with me?"

The entire classroom went dead silent.

She blushed. "I meant like go outside with me, not…But I mean I'm down with the other kind too…"

James's cheeks were really hot. He stuttered, "I-I'd love to. In both ways, I mean."

The class exploded into cheers and Sirius wolf-whistled. Remus had a shit-eating grin on his face. "Wormy, you owe me 5 pounds."

Peter groaned. "Dammit, couldn't you guys have waited until after the holidays?"

"Would you look at that? A PG-ish-rated story from your relationship! One that you could actually share at the dinner table!" Sirius exclaimed.

James made a face at him like the mature wise college student he was.

"Whatever."

"Dude, you're going to be fine! Just be like me and everyone will love you!"

"I hate you." James pouted then checked the time on his watch. "Fuck! I'll be late! Wish me luck!"

James grabbed his coat and keys. Sirius lay spread out on the couch with the TV remote in his hand.

"Lock the door if you leave dumbass!"

"I think Wormy and Moony are going to come over so we'll wait up for you. If you come home, that is." Sirius waggled his eyebrows. "I mean you could die or get laid. I guess we'll see."

"Cool!" James rushed out the door.

"And yes, we'll probably be taking bets on the outcome!" Sirius yelled after him.

0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 -

It turned out that Lily's parents were probably James's favorite parents, after his own.

He knocked on the door, a little bit hesitantly, and the door was opened by a radiant, beaming redhead.

"James! Happy Holidays!" She kissed him and pulled him inside.

"Thank God, you're here! Vernon," she said the name with quite a bit of venom, "Got here an hour ago and has been bothering me, Mum, and Dad. They'll be so relieved to see you!"

"I just can't wait to meet this lovely Vernon." The sarcasm of his tone greatly contrasted with the smile on his face.

"Come on!" she dragged him into the kitchen.

"Mum! James is here!"

A middle-aged woman with brown hair was mixing a bowl of something. At the sound of Lily's voice, she turned expectantly.

"Oh! James. It is so nice to meet you! Lily has told us so much about you!" She engulfed him in a hug. She smelled like cinnamon and it was reassuringly familiar.

James smiled. "It's great to meet you too Mrs. Evans! And I brought this cake for you and your husband!" He handed a box to her.

"Oh, aren't you the sweetest? And call me Rose! Would you like a cookie?"

"Mum!" Lily whined. "You wouldn't even give me a cookie!"

"Well, I save them for my favorite people! Besides I can really only make cookies. My husband, Evan does all the actual cooking."

James grinned as Rose pushed a plate of cookies into his hand. Lily grinned at him and whispered "She didn't offer any cookies to Vernon."

That made James laugh and the pit of dread in his stomach was suddenly filled with warmth.

"I think Dad's out on the couch, being bored to death by Vernon." Lily remarked.

"We better go save him then!" James grinned.

Rose turned to him and said, "Oh just a tip. Whatever you do, don't remind Vernon that there are "drills" in sports, or he'll go off on a boring tangent!"

Lily giggled. "Who's the one badmouthing Vernon now, huh Mum?"

"Oh shush you. It's not badmouthing if it's true."

James followed Lily into the living room.

"Your dad's name is Evan Evans?" James whispered to Lily.

"Yup. Nan and Pop had a real sense of humor." She whispered back.

As soon as they entered the room, Mr. Evans's eyes lit up.

It was clear they were interrupting Vernon giving his opinion on some matter or another.

"James, my boy! How are you?" He stood up for a handshake. "It's so good to finally meet you!"

"Same to you sir!"

"Come now, none of that "sir" business, Evan will do just fine!" Evan sat back down and motioned for James and Lily to sit in the unoccupied loveseat.

Lily plastered a pleasant expression on her face and said "James, this is my older sister Petunia and her fiancé Vernon."

James mimicked her expression and said "It's so nice to meet you all."

Petunia, a rather horse-like blonde, muttered some sort of reciprocation while the walrus-like Vernon said nothing at all, not even acknowledging James's presence.

"Blimey, romance between a horse and a walrus. Just when you think you've seen it all." James whispered to Lily, who had to choke back a laugh.

Conversation headed towards small talk as Evan asked about Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Evan said that their pranks were famous and asked James to regale them with a few stories. James had just started to tell a story about the time he and Sirius got trapped on the roof of Professor McGonagall's classroom when Vernon said, "Are they brown like you?"

The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence and Lily looked like she wanted to strangle him. They had already been holding hands and now James starting to rub circles on her hand with his thumb.

Then Evan said "I think that's completely irrelevant, Vernon. Lily has told me that Professor McGonagall reluctantly adores your pranks?"

James laughed and said "Yeah, Minnie, as we love to call her, completely adores us."

He thought he heard Vernon mutter a "How rude" but James ignored him.

"She's a big supporter of our football team as well." James continued.

Evan grinned "Oh yes, Lily told me you played football marvelously well!"

"Did she now?" He grinned at her.

Lily sputtered "I didn't say marvelously! I said alright!"

Evan laughed. "Yes, she wouldn't stop going on about the first time she saw you playing. You're on the college team and the season's going quite well isn't it?"

"Yeah, our record's a 6-2 right now."

Lily interrupted them and said to James "Dad is an absolute football fanatic and he worships the ground that good football players walk on."

"So that's where you get it!" He grinned cheekily at her.

Lily fake huffed. "My dad and my boyfriend are teaming up against me!"

Evan grinned "All I'm saying is, I wouldn't mind a son-in-law who plays football."

There was a silence as James and Lily digested the implications of his remark and were both flushed.

Vernon took that opportunity to say "Well, football is a waste of time. It's for blokes who aren't going to do much in the world."

Last time, James had stayed quiet. But, he figured, why not piss off this great lump?

"I dunno mate. Football players all over the world are able to make differences with opportunities that football has given them. Football's a way to bring people together and inspire them. It's all fun and games, sure, but it also encourages people to stay healthy. Football is just another thing that humans do and it really is beneficial, no matter if you're a beginner or a pro."

"Well said, James, well said! And with that, I better go take over the cooking before my wife tries to do some herself and burns the house down."

There was an awkward, palpable tension as Evan left the room.

Lily tried "So, Tuney, are you and Vernon doing anything special for Christmas?"

Petunia sniffed "Vern just got a big promotion from his company so we've been invited to his company's Christmas party. It's held at the palace. Buckingham Palace. In London. We'll probably run into the Queen while we're there."

Vernon puffed his chest out and James willfully kept a straight face. "Yes, it's quite a big deal. I simply cannot wait to make the Queen's acquaintance. It will certainly become advantageous to moving up in this world." Vernon fixed his beady eyes on James. "What about you? What do you do?"

James mentally raised a questioning eyebrow but said calmly "I'm finishing up my undergrad, like Lily. I have a part time job right now and I'll probably keep that while I do my degree. I haven't quite decided what to major in yet, but I've also got some offers coming in from professional soccer teams. It's pretty exciting!"

Vernon sniffed but Lily exclaimed "James! You didn't tell me you had offers coming in! Dad is going to be so thrilled to hear that, no matter if you accept or not!"

"Yeah, well Merry Christmas Lils!" he planted a kiss on the top of her head.

Vernon coughed. "Do you even celebrate Christmas or are you like the riffraff?"

Lily's nostrils flared. James smiled tightly.

"I'm a Hindu, so Christmas isn't really a thing, but I enjoy and celebrate Christmas and the holidays anyways."

"Hindu? Is that another word for Muslim?" Vernon asked in a judgmental tone.

At this rate, Lily was probably going to rip Vernon's throat out before the night ended.

"No, Hinduism and Islam are two very different religions, but both are common in India."

"Where in India are you from? Asked Vernon with a little bit too much emphasis on India.

"Well, I was born in Surrey." James answered shortly.

Rose took that moment to enter. "Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes once Evan gets it all set." She smiled at Lily and James and sat in Evan's vacant seat.

Vernon started saying "It's quite unusual for the husband to do the cooking, don't you think?"

(James was ready to hit Vernon with a frying pan just to shut him up.)

Before Rose said anything, he said "Not at all! It's perfectly normal. My dad does more cooking than my mum does too. His cooking is delicious."

Rose replied "Oh, then we have to taste your father's cooking someday!"

Vernon interrupted (yet again) "Oh no, you don't want to do that. Indian food is notorious for being hard to consume!"

Lily frowned "I quite enjoy Indian food and I'm sure James's dad makes amazing food."

James added in "My dad cooks all sorts of food too. Indian, Italian, English, American, Middle Eastern, Chinese. He even makes bread."

Rose declared "All this food talk is making me hungry. James, Lily's never really quite told us. How did you two meet again? And how did you start dating?"

James told a very abridged story of their relationship, with Lily's help and it continued to the dinner table.

He was interrupted a few times, mostly by Vernon being judgmental and most notably when they sat down to eat and Vernon (oh so kindly) informed Evan and Rose that James would be more comfortable eating with his hands.

James's self-control was tested as he tried not to bash Vernon's head in and remind Vernon that (amazingly enough) James had lived his whole life in England.

Lily told Evan that James had offers to play football pro and Evan (though he vehemently denied it later) squealed for a solid minute.

After dinner, Petunia and Vernon (thankfully) excused themselves saying they had another 10 or so parties to visit.

Lily and James enjoyed dessert with Lily's parents. Lily's parents made exactly another 12 veiled references to James becoming their son-in-law and said it blatantly thrice. Lily blushed the first two time, but by the fifth she just smiled. James's ears unfailingly turned red every single time and he was completely flustered and unable to talk for a good 5 minutes every time.

After dessert, Rose and Evan shooed them out of the kitchen and James and Lily stood alone by the Christmas tree.

"God, James, you were amazing!" She grabbed his hands.

"Hey, no need to say my name twice!" he teased.

She smacked him lightly. "But seriously. I'm sorry about Vernon. I knew he was a dick, but he reached a new level today. I will make out with you for a prolonged amount of time because you're so amazing."

James smiled. "Vernon was a dick. But your parents are awesome and I'm pretty sure they love me more than they love you."

Cue another light smack.

"They probably do. I'm kind of insulted but you're cute, so it's okay."

He swung her hand lightly and said in a sing-song voice "I'm cuter than you. I'm cuter than you." He dragged out the "you" just to rub it in a little more.

He pulled her closer so they were cuddling while standing up.

"As long as I've got you by my side, I can tolerate a million Vernies. Well not a million. Two. Let's go with two.

Lily laughed into his shoulder. "Vernie?"

"Vernie." He confirmed.

"Sirius, Remus, and Peter are all taking bets on the outcome of this."

Lily laughed. "I'm not surprised. At all. I think Remus is going to win."

"You don't even know what they bet!"

"Yeah, but Remus always wins. He just knows. I'm pretty sure he's a closet psychic."

"He probably is."

There was a comfortable silence as they enjoyed each other's company.

Lily checked the clock. "Damn, it's almost midnight."

"Almost Christmas day."

"Our first Christmas together. I don't think it's going to be our last."

"Me neither. I love you Lily Evans."

"I love me too."

James faked a scandalized gasp. He clutched his chest. "I've been mortally wounded! Never to recover! My lady! I bid you a farewell!" and he dropped to the ground, lying on his back.

Lily giggled as she kneeled next to him. "Oh no! My brave prince! Oh well, now I can go to that devilishly handsome Vernon, my true love."

"Betrayal! Betrayal!"

"I thought you were dead?"

"I am! And only true love's kiss may awake me."

"Oh dear. I better go get Sirius then."

"You're not nearly as funny as you think you are." James pouted.

"Fine." She pecked him on the lips. "I love you, idiot."

"I've been revived by the fairest of them all! Now, how about that make out?"

(Cue more smacking and a "Way to ruin a moment, loverboy! And I'm not even surprised your first act after being brought back from the dead is to ask a pretty girl if you can make out with her." Then ensued a good ten minutes of making out)