A Secret Santa gift for Xeillyan! Hope you like my odd sense of humor, mate!

Over the River and Through a Plot Hole

There were several things wrong that day.

The first, was that Eliwood could not find Ninian. Sure, she wasn't beholden to be at his every beck and call, but the Lord of Pherae expected to see his wife at least once during the day.

The second, was that Hector showed up on his doorstep without escort in the dead of night. Merlinus had to wake Eliwood from his slumber to meet with his friend that he hadn't seen in over a year.

And the third, and by far the most disturbing, was that Hector had begun to grow a beard.

"Of all the things," Hector said irately, "why are you so puzzled by my beard?"

"It just looks…different," Eliwood commented, unable to look at his friend the same way. The damned thing looked like a rodent had taken resident on Hector's chin! "Does Farina like it?"

"Speaking of Farina, that's why I'm here," Hector said, evading Eliwood's question with his characteristic ease (Or lack thereof). "She's missing, and I haven't seen her for over a day."

"How did you get to Pherae in less than a day?" Eliwood asked, puzzling over the oddity of his companion's statement.

"Through a plot hole," Hector waved his hand.

Eliwood did not know what a plot hole was. He dismissed it as Hector's typical shenanigans, and continued on with the topic at hand, "I haven't seen Ninian for a while. Do you think mayhaps these two disappearances are linked?"

Hector's eyes flashed, and he had an idea. "You know, Eliwood, not just anyone could have kidnapped our wives. Farina is a powerful Pegasus Knight, and Ninian is a dragon. There seems to be some form of evil at work here."

"I think I understand what you're saying," Eliwood said, standing up.

Hector leapt out of his chair, flinging it backward through the stone wall, "We have a quest!"

The two lifelong friends gather their gear, and departed within the hour. Marcus preceded to have a heart attack at the idea of his Lord running amok without an escort. Oswin was visited by Uther's ghost who was filled with worry, and got no sleep that night.

"We have our quest," Eliwood though aloud, "but we have no villain to this story."

Hector admitted that was true. "Who would dare try and disturb us? No doubt someone powerful, menacing and with enough cunning to overthrow Bern…"

"Bandits?" Eliwood suggested.

In a flash of genius, Hector shouted, "Of course! Think Eliwood, where do all those bandits come from? It seems wherever in Elibe you go, there's bandits! This is a land that has huge armies and countless knights, yet bandits are scattered about like rats!"

"It must be a conspiracy," Eliwood nodded. "Clearly, somewhere there is the source of all bandits. This villain must be the culprit!"

Meanwhile, behind a few conveniently placed shrubs, several bandits began to quake in their boots.

"They called us rats!" whisper shouted one of the bandits.

"We must tell the master about this," declared the second.

The third of the four shook his head, "We should get revenge instead. Let's gut these two Lordlings, and then go report in."

The fourth bandit thought aloud, "Why aren't there ever any female bandits?"

The other three ignored him. They eventually agreed on sending one of their number off to warn their leader, and the other three would engage the Lordlings.

"Hector, look! Agents of the bandit network!" Eliwood cried, pointing at the axe carrying bandits.

One of the bandits looked at his axe as Eliwood and Hector drew their swords. Mournfully, he spoke, "Why can't we ever have a weapon besides axes?"

The two Lords crushed the bandits, since there were low leveled. So low leveled, that Eliwood and Hector gained no experience points.

"Looks as if we'll be back in our castles before nightfall!" Hector cheered, sheathing his sword. "These dastards were weak!"

"It seems fortune is smiling upon us," Eliwood agreed.

The two followed the last bandit who was running away, because Eliwood was on a horse that had a higher movement speed that a bandit on foot. They quickly approached the bandit base…

Within their base, the bandits scurried about as the two Lords approached. They got ready to defend the fort for their master, Batta the Beast.

Batta, who had spent his time over the years amassing his bandit force, was frightened. The Lords had somehow found him out, and Batta was angry.

The bandit leader ordered his many bandits to stop the Lords at all costs. But not a single one was over level five, and served only as cavalry fodder for knights as powerful as Hector and Eliwood.

Batta got more nervous as turns went by, and the two Lords got ever so closer. His supply of bandits rapidly decreased, despite the hordes coming from the numerous staircases in his base.

Meanwhile, back at Pherae…

Farina helped Ninian off her Pegasus. The dancer smiled, and said, "Thanks, Farina. I really enjoyed going for a ride."

"Anytime," Farina grinned. "I won't even charge you."

"I do hope Eliwood isn't worried about me," Ninian fretted.

Farina shrugged, "You left him a note, right? That's what I did with Hector."

"But what if he didn't see it?" Ninian protested, worrying up a storm.

"What's the worst that can happen?" Farina asked.

Amidst the carnage of a thousand bandits, Eliwood finally leveled up.

With his newly gained extra point of health, he and Hector abused their support bonus and defeated the rest of the bandits.

All except the boss bandit.

Batta swung his axe with a howl. His scream pierced everything conceptually perceived by the human mind, and powered his attack threefold.

Ding. Batta dealt zero damage.

Hector poked Batta, and delivered a killing blow.

"Hector!" Eliwood cried. "How are we supposed to discover what he knows now?"

Hector summed up the entire situation in one of his favorite words: "Blast!"

It was at that moment, that the two Lords realized they had no food, or supplies for that matter. Collectively, they decided to head back to Pherae to retrieve the essentials before continuing on their epic quest.

Upon arriving, they were greeted by Ninian.

"Ninian!" Eliwood rejoiced. "You're safe! You must have escaped from the bandits while we clashed with them!"

Ninian blinked, and assumed Eliwood had in fact not seen her note. With a moment of genius, Ninian just played along. "My hero," she said, kissing Eliwood on the cheek.

"Where's Farina?" Hector demanded.

"Ostia, I'd guess," Ninian presumed.

Hector ventured over the river and through the plot hole back to Ostia to see his wife.

And they all lived happily, ever after. Until more bandits came, because let's get real, they're everywhere.

Author Notes: Xeillyan, I should apologize for my odd humor. I hope it made you laugh, though.