{ === + === }

Who am I? That's not important.

What am I? A skinny ten year old…I've been downscaled, apparently.

Where am I? Harry Potter Universe!

What do we have? Magic, Muggle Know-how, and reckless ingenuity.

Let's get started.

We do need a name, though.

Uh…hrm.

I'll just go with Ash like usual then.

…

[First Year, Way before TROLL IN DUNGEON]

…

"Hey, Ash?" Harry asks us worriedly.

He's worried about us because we've done nothing but read and do homework for…what, days on end by now? We've skipped dinner a few times to do it too.

Which, for the record, is extremely unusual behavior for a small child. It's par for the course for a twenty-something though, just replace 'homework' with 'work'.

"Yeah?" We respond absentmindedly as we study the ins and outs of Lumos.

"Why do you like homework so much?" Harry asks, genuinely (and very innocently) worried for our health…not that I blame him, since I out-Hermione'd Hermione for a little bit, and since as it's before Halloween they're not friends yet.

Where is she, anyways?

We're in the Gryffindor Common Room, because Main Character Privileges.

"Harry, do you realize where you are?" I ask him…gotta be careful with how I word things.

"Well…yeah, we're in Hogwarts." He responds confusedly.

"Just ignore him." Ron's hostile. "Not trying to be mean, mate, but you're bonkers to like school so much." At least he's not mean because he's a bad person.

I stand and address Ron. "I suppose this would make more sense to us muggles than to you, since you grew up with magic around you, but…"

We grip Harry's shoulders tightly.

"Dude, we can use magic."

It should be noted right now that we speak with a very obviously American accent among a cast of English folk.

We stare into his eyes. "Like I don't know how to make that point more clear."

"Ok, ok." Harry's uncomfortable with our Americanization of his personal bubble. "Uh…"

We let him go. "Sorry. Just wanted to make my point."

The two of them excuse themselves and head down for dinner, and we can hear Ron going "Are all Americans as rude as he is?"

Ignore him.

Let's see…

…

[Some days later, still before TROLL IN DUNGEON]

…

I think this is the part where Malfoy's an asshole and Harry learns to air.

Per expectations, Harry learns to air, Malfoy learns to air, Neville learns to air and airs very badly and breaks his arm in the process.

Malfoy steals Neville's Remembrall, challenges Harry to an air battle (which Harry wins hands down)…

And then goes on to bother the other Gryffindors on the ground.

We're standing around reviewing our notes from our Lumos study, which in retrospect was not exactly the best idea given that Malfoy's pretty much the textbook bully villain.

As expected, one of Malfoy's lackeys snatches the notes from my hand.

"Dude, give that back." My right sleeve holds my wand and I slip it into my hand (out of his line of sight).

Uh…I really don't rememb Crabbe! Or Goyle. One of the two.

Lackey mimicks me with the stock bully accent.

I sigh. "Draco, keep your dogs on a shorter leash, will ya?"

"What are you doing, bringing homework to a flying lesson?" Malfoy relieves his lackey of my notes.

"Yeah, yeah…now fork it over." I really don't like having my things stolen.

Malfoy grins, and then prepares to shred my notes to pieces.

He then screams in pain as we Lumos the hell out of his eyes. Fortunately, he drops my notes instead of tearing them up while his hands go for his eyes.

In retrospect, we really didn't think that part over.

"I warned you." I sigh and recover my notes.

One Lackey manages to put two and two together and moves to avenge Malfoy via coming in with a fist.

Fist versus flashbang.

Flashbang wins: the poor ten year old ends up punching himself in the face as he trips over his own foot and lands on the ground.

I feel like I should be the bigger man here, being mentally older and all, but…eh, I'm like seventy pounds. I'm light.

And the sooner we teach Malfoy how to man, the better.

Yeah, sure, let's go with that.

The professor for flying shows up at this moment and realizes that two of the Slytherins are writhing in pain on the floor…while I'm stowing away my wand.

She's pretty angry…not surprising given I had left a whole class of witnesses to us "flashing Malfoy's eyes out."

She did a double take when she heard that.

"He stole my things." Was my justification.

"Petty theft is no reason for violence, young man." Madam Hooch (I think that's what her name is) berates us.

She had taken us out of the group as Malfoy gets his vision back.

So we're alone here…I guess I can cut loose a little bit.

Let's hope she's in a debating mood. "I realize that he's the Malfoy boy, and honestly that's less of a reason for him to act the way he does."

"Is that so?" She says…in a way that prompts me to continue.

I think we threw her off a bit?

"Yeah. I don't like having to resort to violence, but as far as I'm concerned the future heir of the Malfoys should act more according to his station."

"And thus you attacked him for his own benefit." Hooch doesn't really buy it…can't blame her, I suppose.

"Well…no. I attacked him because he stole my things, but I do believe that acting as if self-defense is forbidden is detrimental to the well-being of the school."

"You've got quite the mouth for a child." She says with a hint of a smile.

Cheerful smile…"I try."

"However, fighting in the school grounds is absolutely forbidden."

Well, shit. Oh well, good effort.

I nod. "I understand."

…

In the end we got detention for two days reorganizing the broom store.

Not a bad deal, given that we got to fly on said brooms for a bit when we were done.

For the record: we are NOT Harry in terms of knowing how to air.

Also Malfoy came for a second round.

Nobody was paying attention this time so I…lightly, bopped him in the leg with a broom. Lightly.

In the same sense that a house burned to the ground is "lightly damaged", yes.

…

[A few days before TROLLS IN THE DUNGEON]

…

I can't believe I forgot about the Room of Requirement.

Well, we have un-forgotten about it now.

…

But I've forgotten how to get to it and how to open it.

Dammit.

It's been really long since I've read…was it book six or book five that introduced the room?

Probably Book five.

So now we're s-wait wait wait it's coming back to me. I need to pace in front of some painting on the seventh floor while trying my hardest not to think about porn.

Got it.

…

We eventually find the large portrait we're supposed to be looking for. Find via trial and error.

Let's see…I don't see a suspicious door at the end of the hallway, so nobody's here besides us.

Good.

Pace pace pace…I need a set of prismatic lens and an energy charger…I need a set of prismatic lens and an energy charger…

…There's the door. Really? I'm really surprised it would give it to me.

Now then…wow, the room really knows drama.

The room of requirement this time is a dimly lit room with the prismatic lens and energy charger placed on a pedestal in the middle of the room with a single light shone upon it.

Uh…I don't think the room interpreted my wishes as I thought it did.

It gave us a rechargeable AA battery.

Erm…the prismatic lens is at least workable. Can I get a cardboard tube?

POP

Ooh, thanks.

We place our hand through the cardboard tube and attach the prismatic lens on the opposite end.

Concave…convex? Concave, I think, since it 'caves' inwards, and I want it to as a focus.

Ok…my (right) arm looks stupid. It's literally a giant cardboard tube large enough to cover the arm and wand. It's like I'm trying to roleplay as Samus with a five dollar budget.

Also, I'd like to have some tape.

POP

Er…masking tape, not a tape measure.

POP

Thank ya.

We tape the lens to the cardboard tube.

Ok, let's give this a go.

Lumos!

…

Hrm.

I don't think this is as powerful as I think it is.

Can I have some power amplifiers?

POP. It gave us a bag of potato chips.

I feel like the room is taunting us. By us I mean me, because there's no way the room can recognize that I talk to myself.

POP. A book about insanity appeared on the pedestal.

…ok you know what room I don't need your sass

POP. A sash appeared on the pedestal.

…Alright, alright. Jesus.

…

What, no Jesus?

Fine.

Back to the task at hand: the lumos spell is obviously being concentrated by the prismatic lens, but it's definitely not generating the output required for it to actually be a weapon.

What to do…what to do…

I need a stronger core, or I need to be a stronger mage, or I need to be not ten years old. One of the three.

…

I wish for some magic canisters that I can charge and use later.

…

No go. Dammit.

Oh well.

…

Just to be clear: our goal is to use Lumos as the basis for a laser. I'm not quite sure how the school decides what's considered Muggle equipment and what isn't, since almost all Muggle equipment rely on fundamental physics.

Or maybe the spell just stops unshielded equipment from working entirely?

…yeah, or that. I'll need to do some more research…the Librarian doesn't like us too much. On one hand, we're super polite and bookish, but on the other we're very quick to draw wands during conflicts, which is not exactly a welcome trait to see on a ten year old.

All that adds to is a clear reluctance from the librarian to have me visit any part of the library that might contain damage-inducing spells (or spells that could be potentially dangerous), so that hampers my efforts for creating a death laser a bit.

Oh well, live and learn, and all that. We WILL create a beam of light before moving onto our other projects.

Said other projects may or may not end with Voldemort's untimely death in book four at the hands of an ICBM.

Imagine all the things we can do with the Imperius curse. Up to and including starting world war 3.

I am so ready to out-evil Voldemort.

…

[Day of TROLL IN THE DUNGEON]

…

TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!

The kids panic, and we're sitting here cracking up, because Quirrell is amazing.

We catch Snape's eye and immediately stop grinning. Snape likes us well enough (as much as he could like a Gryffindor) but laughing in the face of a terrifying unknown raises red flags.

Uhm…so…let's see…

"Gryffindors this way!" Percy yells over the din and tries (and mostly succeeds) to get the attention of us scared little kids…

Harry wants to go warn Hermione…

Ron tags along…kinda.

"What are you doing here?" Ron is unfriendly to us, because, let's be honest, we're a bit of an uppity asshole. We're like Percy, except we have an utter distain for authority and a worrying thirst for blood.

So we're not at all like Percy.

"I'm worried about Hermy." It's as good of a reason as any…plus I shouldn't know that she exists, given how little I've cared about my surroundings thus far.

Harry frowns at 'hermy'.

Ron rolls his eyes. "Figures. Bookworms."

"Quiet!" Harry hisses at us. "Can you hear that?"

Let's see…I hear a dull roar.

We're coming up to the bathrooms, so probably…

Yep the TROLL is in the region

"Move!" Harry takes command and we burst onto the scene!

Ok whew we didn't butterfly Hermione to death.

She's pretty damn close though. The TROLL ripped off a sink and is using it as a bludgeon. Fortunately, when we showed up it turned to look at us instead of trying to turn Hermione into a smear on the floor.

"Dammit, we're gonna be cutting it close." I mutter and draw wand…plus our prismatic equipment.

"Do you actually know a spell that could help?" Ron demands before chucking a piece of ceramic at the TROLL.

Every time you see the world TROLL, yell it in Quirrel's voice.

"Guess we'll find out." I point my wand. "Lumos!"

A burst of light shoots from the wand, passes through the prismatic lens, and strike the TROLL on the head. Ew.

There's the smell of singed TROLL flesh and all in attendance wrinkle their noses despite themselves.

That aside, I figured out how to fire off the full power of a spell in a smaller package, thus making Lumos more viable as a type of weapon.

It's still real bad, mind you.

Either way, having his head heated up caught the TROLL's attention (is it really a he-actually I don't want to know) and he turned to face us with his club of handwashing.

In retrospect this wasn't the smartest idea.

"You two, get her out of here." I say to the two main protagonists as the TROLL tries to understand exactly what he's going up against.

Insert trolls are stupid joke here.

It does figure it out eventually after I shoot it in the head again with a Lumos ray.

With a spittle-filled roar it comes after exclusively me, its washing club raised high overhead.

We back out of the bathroom in a hell of a hurry while luring it with more shots.

It smells really bad every time we actually hit it, too…also let's try to not get hit by the shards that will fly off of the ceramic if he slams it on the ground, since the pieces will rearrange our face if we let it.

He slams his washing club on the ground.

Shit.

We dive out of the bathroom as ceramic pieces scatter everywhere, and then poke our head through to shoot the TROLL in the head a few more times, luring it out.

It got smart enough to drop its washing club for its real one, so that's nice.

…wait that's not nice that club has nails on it

We lure it to the doorstep of the bathroom…where it stops and refuses to go any further, opting instead to take ineffectual swings as we back out of his reach.

I'm still pelting him with my rays of light, so I don't see how his stupidity is somehow telling him that "stay here and get shot at" is a good idea.

Uh…that being said, it is trapping the three leads in the bathroom, so maybe it's doing something right after all, as we obviously don't have the firepower to decide this in any way.

…well, I mean, I can just keep shooting at its head until I eventually hit the soft, creamy center, but…

…?

There are like three variants of the Lumos spell, wasn't there?

If we take the movies to be canon, sure: there's the default spell, the one Hermione uses on the gropey plants, and the one Harry uses at the beginning of the third movie. There are probably others but we stopped paying attention around that time.

So it should be possible to alter the firepower of our spell via using an extended chant.

…

I don't think there's a way for me to test that out right now, not with Sir Roars-A-Lot trying to bash my head in from all the way over there™. I wonder if TROLLs have bad depth perception?

In the end, per the movies, Ron grabs control of the club during one of the TROLL's overhead swings and drops it on its head.

Unlike the movies, the fact that the TROLL blocked the entrance now meant that instead of having a conscious and angry blob of unhygienic half-giant, we now just have a blob at the doorstep, and traversing past said doorstop was impossible.

Until the teachers came and fixed it (namely, by waking it up and letting it walk out because Dumbledore).

Ten points to Dumbledore.

We got docked five points apiece, with ten for dumb luck like usual. I also got an extra ten from Flitwick for exceptional spellwork, though I don't know how he could tell.

Maybe it was the scorch marks.

.

.

.

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Author Notes:

The basis for this chapter is the Void Ray.

Also known as Starcraft 2's win button.