Disclaimer: I do not own D . Gray-man

Rating: T

Words: 1995

Warning: language, mild violence.

Prompt from fallingthroughthefolds on Tumblr: Fucking Lavi thought it would be funny to mess with Kanda's private tea and/or soba and blame it on Allen, the Moyashi is now scared and confused :)

Additional: Queerplatonic Kanda/Allen; Lavi has what's coming to him. :P

To Tea or Not to Tea

It wasn't often that Kanda had a moment to enjoy some peace and quiet outside of meditation. Most of the time the halls of the Order were filled with the general chaos that was the chatter between the finders, the violent commotion of Komui's robots, the complaints of the tired science division, and the arguments he got into with Lavi (and less frequently as of late, the Moyashi). Right now, the scientists were in the labs testing God knows what, there were no Komurins currently online, almost all the finders were gone, and he hadn't seen Lavi in several hours.

Currently, he was walking back to his room from the little garden on the side of the Order. Aside from training, meditating, and killing Akuma, it was one of the few things he enjoyed doing. His fingers and parts of his arms were smudged with dirt and he was pretty sure a few leaves had gotten stuck in his hair when he had carried a sapling and planted it in its new home. Damn, I could go for a good cup of tea right now. He was uncomfortably sticky from the unusually high temperature plaguing the autumn day today. Cold tea. Very cold green tea. He wrenched the braided cord that was holding his hair together out, running his fingers through his raven tresses to try and remove any stray leaves. Maybe he could cut off his hair for at least today; it would grow back in a few hours anyway...

He could already feel it starting—the longer he went without cold green tea and a cold shower, the grumpier he would become.

"Hey, Kanda!" he heard two voices yell from behind him.

If he were religious he would have thanked the God that the Moyashi still prayed to. Those two voices meant drinks.

He turned around to see Allen and Lenalee with trays in their hands walking closer to him. From the multiple cups on the trays, Kanda knew they were making their drink rounds, distributing coffee and such to those who wanted it. There was one thing that made him furrow his brow in suspicion, not sensing anything good at all. He nodded at both of them, but then asked, "Where's the Usagi?"

Lenalee smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "He said he didn't feel like tagging along today." Even though Lenalee and Allen were the ones that made and distributed the coffee (and tea), the red-head liked to help once in a while. Mostly to gossip, the idiot. "Something about sensing trouble and needing to go take care of a project. It didn't really make any sense to me, but I've stopped questioning Lavi's oddness years ago."

"Hn." Kanda couldn't fault her for that; however, he still had the feeling that the Usagi was up to no good.

Still holding the tray, Allen stepped closer to Kanda and bumped his shoulder against his affectionately before picking a stray leaf out of the samurai's hair. "I have to agree with Lenalee. If I were to keep track of every asinine thing that Lavi does, I would have long since lost the little sanity I have left." Kanda let out a snort at that. It was a widely known fact in the Order that the British exorcist was in no means one-hundred percent sane any longer. Though, who really is around here? Allen lifted a handle-less porcelain cup to him, and Kanda let his fingers linger an extra moment over the other's ebony black hand before taking the cup.

"Allen, I'm going to go ahead and go to the science division," Lenalee said. "I'm sure my brother is slacking without his coffee. You two play nice now!" She gave them a wink and a giggle before walking away. Kanda coughed in order to remain composed while Allen's cheeks flushed ever so slightly.

The younger man puffed up his cheeks, almost pouting. "Lenalee! Shh!" he called after her. "What if people were around?"

The girl said nothing in reply, but Kanda was pretty sure he saw a little more pep in her step.

Kanda scowled, crossing his arms, cup still in hand. "She knows we're not together like that." He and Allen weren't even dating, they just happened to gravitate towards one another. And like being around each other, for the most part. He couldn't click with anyone like he did with the white-haired male, even if they did get on each other's nerves at least once a day. And even though they weren't dating, if anyone other than their friends thought they were...they could be tried for heresy (for a second time, in Allen's case) and sodomy. Kanda was hoping to face neither charge any time in his life.

Allen turned back to him. "I asked Jerry for your personal tea collection so that I could make it for you myself. No sugar, double the tea leaves," he grinned, and Kanda softened the edges of his scowl—his version of a smile. "Thought you might want some chilled on a bloody dreadful day like today."

The Japanese exorcist smirked into the rim of his cup. "I guess you aren't going senile after all, Old Man Hair." The insult was an old one, but didn't have any heat behind it. "Was worried I'd have some shitty tea."

The other male rolled his eyes. "I think I'm capable of making tea the way you usually like it. I'm not a fool like you, BaKanda."

"Hn." He expected the sip of green tea that he took to be refreshing and light, the rejuvenating bitterness present in his favorite drink. Instead, he had to spit out the disgusting and revolting salty mouthful of liquid that came from the cup. "Ugh, what the hell is this?!" He spat again to try and rid himself of the awful taste in his mouth.

"What do you mean?" Allen asked, completely bewildered. "It's green tea. I just made it about ten minutes ago."

Kanda's scowl came back with a vengeance. "This," he held up the cup in his hand, "is not green tea. Green tea is good. This is like a cup of fucking horse piss mixed with ocean sand or something. Are you trying to fucking poison me, Moyashi?"

"I am not, BaKanda! Why would I make you shitty tea?" The shorter man frowned, white eyebrows drawn together in suspicion. "Wait a second, let me see that." Kanda gladly gave him the disgusting drink. But before he could say anything, Allen took a sip of the liquid. He grimaced and immediately spat it out. "Bloody hell!" He looked like he would nearly toss the porcelain cup over the banister to plummet stories below. "'S like I bloody drank from tha' mos' diseased-ridden, piss-filled, shite-laced dirties' river in tha' most back-water, gnarly area tha' pieces o' refuse known as people have eva' resided in!"

Even though he was still annoyed, the taller man could not help but raise an incredibly impressed eyebrow as he listened to Allen's heavy curse-laden rant. He knew the other's accent came through in his most surprised, disgusted, or angry moments, but this was the first time he's heard it combined with foul language to this extent. He decided to stop Allen, because he knew the Brit was bothered when his well-mannered language went off the deep end like this. "Moyashi—"

"Neva' in me bloody time travellin' 'cross the world have I eva' drank somethin' as nasty as this. No' even—"

"—Moyashi."

"—no' even in me time in tha' sewer filled streets o' blimey piss-filled London. London! "

Okay, this was going on for too long. Kanda put a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Allen."

Allen startled. "Wha'?"

"Your accent."

It looked like it took a moment for Kanda's comment to process before Allen blinked. The fierce blush that spread across his cheeks contrasted harshly with his alabaster skin, and Allen turned his head and huffed, trying to get rid of his embarrassment. "Say nothing about this, Kanda."

Kanda bumped Allen's hip. "Che, baka."

"Cad" was the affectionate name he got called in response. Then Allen continued, "This still doesn't solve what happened to the tea. I don't understand it; I made it myself!" He looked like he was about to throw the tray that he was still holding up in the air. "I mean, the only time that I ever took my eyes off it was when I went to the restroom and asked Lavi to take over—" He cut himself off short, and realization struck both of them.

"Lavi." They both hissed in unison.

Kanda growled as he ran his hand through his hair. "That's probably why the Usagi didn't want to tag along with you and Lenalee."

"And his earlier comment about 'sensing trouble' makes sense now, ugh." Kanda watched as Allen's frustration soon morphed into dark glee, and he could practically see the horns curling out of fluffy white hair and malevolent flames burning behind the man. "Hehehe, Lavi's not going to have a good day today, heh. Not in the slightest." Kanda would always deny it, but Black Allen put a chill down his spine every single time.

But without preamble or hesitation he said, "I'm in. I don't care what you're gonna do but I'm in."

Before Allen could say anything, they heard Lavi's bubbly voice float up the stairs followed by the sound of boots echoing against stairs. "Is that Yuu and Shortstack I hear~?" He climbed the last stair and began walking towards them. "Haven't seen you guys all day, well, except for you Al. Saw you earlier."

They watched as Lavi beamed at the tray Allen was holding and mime being excited at the sight of it. "Giving out drinks, I see. Ooh, can I get a coffee?! I'm sure one of the scientists won't mind."

"What did you do to my tea, Usagi?" Kanda growled through his teeth. A little crack echoed in the otherwise empty hallway as he tightened his grip on his cup.

Lavi bounced right next to him, patting his on his back. "Oh, Yuu! I thought you could use a little change of flavor is all~!" He moved in between Kanda and Allen, sequestering himself right in the middle and slinging an arm over each of their shoulders. "Just a whole bottle of salt and some water from the toilets is all." Kanda watched as his emerald eye sharpened to a colder jade as he said, "Just some payback for stealing all my eye-patches last week is all."

Kanda would have done something if he had not seen the grip Allen had on the tray grow tighter and tighter, metal bending like tissue paper in the vice of his left hand, the more Lavi talked. Even though Kanda was not as book-smart as his friends, he was in no way dumb. No, dumb was Lavi pissing both him and Black Allen off, and Kanda was eager to see the outcome. "Laaaaviiiii..."

"Eh? Allen, you okay over there—"

"You idiot!" Allen tossed all care aside as he whipped his arm back, smashing the tray in his hand right into Lavi's jaw and forcing Kanda to bend his back just not to get hit. He could have sworn he heard a vicious crack when the metal connected with The red-head flew several feet away from the other two exorcists, and Kanda saw blood dripping from his mouth.

Lavi attempted to talk through the foamy spit and blood mix that was in his mouth. "N-now h-hold on, Al," he stuttered as he scooted back from the ever encroaching Allen. "It wasn't that bad of a prank."

Fuck it. Kanda's irritation was escalating and Lavi was just pissing him off more and more. "I'm gonna kill you, Usagi!" he roared as he charged at the red-head. Allen followed suit, speeding up his daunting gait to a full blown sprint.

"Ahhhh!"

It had to be explained to Komui why one of the four of his best exorcists was stuck in the infirmary for egregious wounds when said exorcist hadn't even been in the field any time prior.

Jerry never let Lavi in his kitchen again.

Lastly, after washing off the copious amounts of blood that was splattered all over their hands and clothes, Allen and Kanda finally got to enjoy a good cup of green tea.

No sugar for and double leaves for Kanda, two sugars and a splash of cream for Allen.

Published: 12/24/15

A/N: I had so much fun writing this. Allen wasn't really scared, but he definitely confused as hell, lol. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

A/N 2: check out my tumblr: msmusicl0vertheexorcist