Being observant. One of my 108 Special Loner skills, it's served me well to this day. Of course, the problem with being observant is that it must be countered by an equal-no, a greater-amount of rationalization. Otherwise, these observations could lead to mistaken assumptions and ultimately humiliation. Source: me. So I don't think that I became a such a balanced individual despite being unpopular. Rather, I attribute my success to my unpopularity. I learned from my experiences, and I grew wise to the ways of the world. In fact, you could put me up there with Sora and Shiro. When it comes to surviving the social jungle, the Blank never loses!

The one downside to being consistently apt at observation occurs when I encounter a situation I'm unprepared for. There do exist things I don't have in the vast database of Hikigaya Hachiman's Daily Loner Log. In fact, my log is so extensive it must've been a redwood before it was cut down. But wait, redwoods live in groups. Maybe it was a solitary redwood. Well, still, the best method to prevent damage from an unexpected source is to retreat. Nothing wagered, nothing lost. Being alone is great, after all. In fact, since my annual losses are zero, I must be the happiest person in the world.

But when you're normally so observant that you don't miss the smallest things, people place expectations upon you. You place expectations upon yourself. And, eventually, you can grow complacent. You can miss things. And when you unknowingly wander into one of the traps the world sets for you, those bars are pretty hard to slip through.

December. The month of freezing weather, annoying normalfags, freezing weather, more annoying normalfags, and freezing weather. Wait, aren't there only two important points about December? What a sad month. And this was supposed to be the season of joy or something. I wasn't feeling particularly joyful towards December-kun as I pedaled my bike through the biting wind towards school. Plus, all the stores have begun their Christmas advertising campaigns. And who were those directed to but normalfags. As I thought, all normalfags should just die in a hole. Or spend all your hard-earned money on useless seasonal decorations and then die of starvation, either way, Hachiman gets his vengeance. I didn't even have to worry about things like spending all my money because I didn't have a job. Plus Komachi would never let onii-chan die of starvation. As I thought, not working really is the best.

Engaged in worthless thoughts like these, I made my way toward the demon lord's castle, school. After putting my bike on the bike rack as usual, I ventured through the frozen and gloomy corridor towards my end goal: the burning fires of the classroom. Wow this really does sound like an RPG. Well, judging by the (lack of) attention I was getting, I was just a villager. As expected of my special ability, stealth Hikki. Once I arrived at the classroom, the burning torchlight resolved itself in the form of a puffing heater near the other side of the room. I activated another one of my special skills: pretend to sleep. Well, it's not like I had anything better to do. Actually, I was in danger of going from pretending to sleep to really sleeping...that heater was pretty nice…

"Hachiman!"

Oh no, I guess I didn't just fall asleep. I must've died. And now the angels were calling me to heaven.

"Hachiman!"

Wait, hang on a second. No way would they let me into heaven, I'd stick out like a sore thumb. The majority would vote me off the island. So if I wasn't going to heaven, that left one other option.

I opened my eyes and looked up at Totsuka.

"Morning, Hachiman!" An angelic smile eased my half opened eyes. No, don't do that, you'll put me back to sleep...darkness...Totsuka…I wonder what I could do to Totsuka in the dark… Control yourself, Hachiman. Only Ebina is allowed to have these kinds of thoughts. Even if it is Totsuka.

"Morning, Totsuka," I returned. "What's up?"

"Nothing much, but you looked kinda tired."

"Nah, it's this heater." Aha! To make me lose my guard this easily! I've found you, Maou-sama! Now to the boss level, Hikigaya versus The Heater.

"Yeah, it is pretty cold outside. Getting to be Christmas and all."

"Christmas, huh…" Well, only about 1% of all Japanese were actually Christian, but Christmas was still a pretty prevalent holiday. Plus all the corporations had a good excuse to entice the masses into buying more junk. Just because I agreed that Christmas was a big commercial racket didn't mean I was a mean-spirited loud mouthed girl. In fact, of all the Charlie Browns, I was probably the Charlie Brownest.

"You have any plans for Christmas, Hachiman?" Totsuka asked. My, my, Totsuka. Was this an invitation? I say yes! I do! Through sickness and health! Whatever!

"N-nah, not really."

"Hmm…" Surprisingly, Totsuka looked confused at my reply. Well really, it's not like I'd have anything to do. A societal requirement of all who partake in Christmas events is that they are normalfags with a social life. AKA, not me. In fact, I'm almost insulted, Totsuka. I thought you knew me better than this. I thought we were super-close! BFFs! In fact, you can get as close as you like!

"I thought…they would've..." Totsuka muttered to himself. But he was interrupted by a menacing aura that began emanating from the front of the room. A single woman stood at the front, glaring at the class. Heh. Single. Immediately I felt the pressure from the aura increase, as if Sensei had read my thoughts. Geez, woman! This ability may be useful for starting class, but it's why you can't get a boyfriend!

Classes passed in their normal fashion - mundane and uninteresting as usual. Also as usual, I stopped by the vending machine to get a sweet, sweet MAX coffee. Ah, this was one part of my daily routine I'd never get tired of. Daydreaming about the heavenly sweet flavor of MAX, I didn't notice until I popped the top that they'd introduced a new can design...and it was Christmas-themed. Et tu, Brutae? Oh, all the world conspired against me. Well, I guess they had to make money somehow. MAX did have customers other than me, after all. I'll forgive you this once.

But seriously, Christmas was an annoying season. I wasn't going to run around proclaiming "Bah humbug" to random Christmas shoppers, but the seeping, sodden feeling of artificial joy really irritated me. If the normalfags were gonna celebrate for no particular reason, then do it somewhere out of the way of the rest of us. The job of the loner is to blend into the background, but that gets harder when the background's all festive-colored. Loners stay hidden by being nondescript, unremarkable, and average. A loner's escape tactic is to remain neutral. These are the concepts that my special skill, Stealth Hikki, is based on, and the way that I avoid meaningless confrontations in everyday life. But when everyone is celebrating, and remaining neutral and unremarkable means sticking out, loners have a more difficult job ahead of them. And the reason loners stay out of the way anyway is so they don't ruin the mood. It's all out of consideration for others! So have some consideration for us too!

As I affirmed my conclusion to myself with a determined nod, I realized I had already arrived at the club room. Sliding the door open, I prepared myself for a peaceful afternoon of reading, MAX coffee, and Yukinoshita's customary afternoon tea. But what I found was rather surprising…although I suppose not entirely out of character.

Yuigahama had already arrived and, for some bizarre reason, was prancing about the room in a festive mood, singing to herself. She had in her hands a plastic bag full of mysterious green and red material. Yukinoshita sat in her seat, a large box on the table next to her. Although her face expressed disapproval at Yuigahama's antics, she seemed to be rather amused. The room itself, however, might have been the strangest part. Whatever I may or may not have assumed about the Service Club before, I had always taken for granted that it'd be a rather neutral place, with not much of a high-profile atmosphere. But looking around the room, it was now covered with red ribbons, small silver balls, streamers, and sprigs of a random green plant.

"Errr… What?" I asked, dumbfounded. Yukinoshita looked up, noticing my entrance, and opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Yuigahama.

"Oh, Hikki! Look! We're putting up Christmas decorations!"

"Surely that much is obvious, Hikigaya-kun," continued Yukinoshita.

"...I can see that. Why?"

"It seems Hiratsuka-sensei instructed us to decorate the clubroom for the holidays. It's beyond me why she would want us to do it, though," returned Yukinoshita. Seriously, Sensei? For a woman who would spend Christmas Eve eating ramen by herself in downtown Chiba, she sure had a lot of guts to force something like this on us.

"Well, I'm not one to voluntarily submit to doing unnecessary work," I replied. "Why do I have to do this?"

"Consider it a request for the Service Club," a new voice responded as the door banged open once more.

"...why would you force this on us, Sensei?"

"Hmph. I thought you might complain, so I came over to dispel any qualms of yours." Didn't answer my question. "Got it? Hikigaya-kun?" Sensei, you're gripping my shoulder rather hard. I'm afraid this might permanently damage it. Please stop.

"...okay, I got it."

"Great!" She smiled mischievously. "Make sure to put them all up. And while you're at it, why don't you learn something about them too?" Oh, Sensei. Stop lying to yourself and pretending that you're teaching us things. Just find something to do with yourself during the holiday season that isn't bullying your students. And whoever you're with, try not to bully them as well. Then they actually might meet with you more than once.

"Right, so, best to get this over with I suppose," I resignedly sighed. "Did you get that from Hiratsuka-sensei?" I asked Yukinoshita, pointing at the large box in front of her. She nodded.

"It's full of random Christmas decorations. Yuigahama's got some too."

"Hey Yukinon, look at these pretty silver ribbons!" Yuigahama suddenly spoke up. What are you, a dog? You bark when someone calls your name? "Look, I bet you could do up your hair with them!" She rushed over to behind Yukinoshita and began tying up her hair, against her feeble protests. I smirked slightly as I sat down in my usual chair and popped my can of MAX coffee.

"I'm pretty sure those are decorations for the room, not decorations for her hair."

"H-hey! We can use them on Yukinon's hair if we want to! Right, Yukinon?"

"...I don't particularly mind. And I'm rather opposed to Hikigaya-kun's narrow and shortsighted view that things can only be used for their intended purpose. If everyone followed that logic, then we'd have no sticky notes or chocolate chip cookies."

"I don't really get how chocolate chip cookies apply here, but it sounds yummy!" As expected of Yuigahama. Seriously. "And don't you think Yukinon looks good with these hair ribbons?"

"Twintails, eh." I tilted my head to the side. "Makes you look a lot younger. Like if you were in middle scho...yeah it looks great whatever fine," I finished hurriedly, feeling a large amount of killing intent present in the death glare Yukinoshita had directed at me.

"I think I'll take these out, Yuigahama. It seems I must spare the twisted remains of Hikigaya-kun's ego from annihilation. I don't think he could survive losing in test scores to someone who looks younger than him."

"What a selfish justification."

"That wasn't selfish, it was very generous. I'm taking Hikigaya-kun's low self-esteem and his fragile ego into account when making my decision. I'm doing this for your sake."

"But in the end, all selfless deeds are really caused by selfishness. People do things for others because it makes them feel better about themselves. It puts them in a position of relative superiority over the person they're being considerate of and it gives them a feeling of self-righteous satisfaction. The only true selflessness is consideration for someone more powerful than you, or higher in the social landscape, because no feelings of superiority can be derived from that. A loner's generosity is the only true generosity."

"Twisted and self-righteous argumentation as always, Hikigaya-kun."

"Same to you."

"It must be infectious. Perhaps we should quarantine you, Hikigerma-kun."

"I already have the consideration to do that myself. I am a loner after all."

"Heh. So you admit-"

"GUYS!" interrupted Yuigahama. "Shouldn't we finish putting up the decorations? Besides, watching you go back and forth like this is making my neck hurt."

"Fine. Let's get this over with." I sighed and got up from my chair, draining the rest of my MAX coffee in one gulp. Digging around in the mysterious large box from Hiratuka-sensei revealed a few strings of Christmas lights, some tinsel, and more sprigs of that random plant. Yugahama immediately spotted the tinsel.

"Ahaha! What is this stuff? It's so fluffy and sparkly and-ACHOO!" She sneezed as she wrapped her arms in the silvery rope.

"...well, I guess we'll leave the tinsel to Yuigahama then," Yukinoshita spoke with a half-smile on her face. That's a new expression, miss Ice Princess. But save the Yukinon x Yurigahama for later. "I guess I'll get these lights," she continued. So that left me with the random plant, huh. Well, whatever. At least it wasn't too hard to put up.

Soon enough, the light were shining around the corners of the clubroom, and the tinsel decorated the table and the door (and Yuigahama.) Discovering that the plant smelled not unpleasant, I concluded it must be some kind of holiday air freshener and proceeded to tape it across the ceiling above the table. As we sat back down, Yuigahama untangling the strings of tinsel from her blazer and hair, she spotted the plant I was holding.

"Ooh, are those berries, Hikki?" I looked at her in confusion.

"Oh, you mean this plant?" Upon closer inspection, the mysterious air freshener did in fact have clusters of white berries hidden amongst the leaves. "Yeah, I guess so."

"I wonder if they're edible…"

"Whoa there, Yuigahama. Just because something looks like food doesn't mean that it is food. Just take tomatoes, for example. People don't know if they're fruits or vegetables. Well that's because they're neither. And whoever the idiot was that declared them edible, I hope he died of food poisoning."

"Hikigaya-kun is, as per usual, mostly wrong. Tomatoes are scientifically and botanically considered the fruit of the tomato plant, and they are very much edible, having been eaten by native South American civilizations long before the European discovery of the New World."

"As expected of Yukipedia."

"Don't call me that. Anyway, there is a tiny grain of truth in what he's saying, however-"

"See, tomatoes ARE monstrosities."

"-stop interrupting me. But you really shouldn't try things off plants without knowing if it's edible or not first."

"Soooo…is it edible?" Yukinoshita squinted at the plant on the table in front of me. Furrowing her brows, she squirmed in her seat a little.

"I...don't actually know." Huh, so even the great Yukipedia had things it didn't know. "Hikigaya-kun…" a threatening voice warned. Oops, did I say that out loud?

"Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find out what this stuff is," I said, pulling out my cellphone. "That's why we have the wonders of the Internet." Oh mighty Google, I come for waffles!

"Indeed. Hikkimori-kun should obviously be familiar with the conveniently easy solution that is the Web."

"Hey, it's not like I'm an expert or anything… Stop complimenting me, it's too out of character."

"Only you would view that as a compliment."

"Hey guys, what should I search anyway…?"

"Just plug a description into a search engine and it should pull up an article on it or something," I replied offhandedly, already typing the query "green leaves white berries plant" into the search bar.

After a few moments of quiet searching where the only sound was the tapping of our phone keyboards, I finally found a picture of a plant that looked similar to ours. Following the link, I arrived at an online encyclopedia.

"Aha!" I exclaimed...at the exact same time as someone else. Surprised by the voice that had joined my own, I looked up and found myself gazing directly into a pair of cool blue eyes. Fumu, so Yukinoshita had discovered the answer at the same time as I. We glanced away awkwardly. Gah! Just a little eye contact and the voice in my head was starting to sound like Zaimokuza. Jeez, Hachiman, regression is not a suitable coping method in high school.

"A-anyway, it seems this mysterious little plant is mistletoe," I said, holding up the green sprig.

"That's right," continued Yukipedia, not to be outdone. "It seems mistletoe is a parasitic plant of the order Santalales. The berries are poisonous to humans, but not to birds and other animals. So unless you're secretly a bird, Yuigahama, I wouldn't eat that."

"O-oh, good thing I didn't eat it. Thanks for saving my life, Yukinon!" She sprang towards Yukinoshita and gave her a hug. Right, because I was going to let you eat it. The thanks I get…

"A-and you too, Hikki." Yuigahama said softly. Er-yes, that's right! I'm such a considerate person for saving your life! Praise me more!

"Er, well, don't worry about it. You lived, so.." I replied, looking away.

"But still!" Yuigahama suddenly became boisterous again. "Why would Sensei give us a poisonous plant as a Christmas decoration? That's, like, so mean! Right, Yukinon?"

"Perhaps she means it as vengeance upon us for being young when she's already her age and still single," I wryly commented.

"What!? Sensei wouldn't do something like kill us! Even if she is single!" Hey, you're being pretty mean there yourself, Yuigahama.

"No, I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Mistletoe probably has some relation to Christmas that we're not recognizing." Well, now that she mentioned it, that does sound familiar. I was about to pull my phone back out and continue searching, but seeing as how Yukinoshita was already on it, I decided not to bother, and pulled out my book instead and began absentmindedly reading.

A few taps later, she spoke up again. "Here it is. Mistletoe's relevance to Christmas dates back to the Druids, where it was said to bring good luck and ward off evil spirits. In Norse mythology, it was a sign of friendship and peace. In today's Christmas, there is a tradition that when a man and a woman are under the-" Yukinoshita suddenly stopped reading. Surprised, I looked up from my book. To my bafflement, her face had a stunned expression on it and was visibly changing color, from white to green to red.

"What's wrong, Yukinon?" Yuigahama asked. When she was met with no answer, she pulled her chair up next to Yukinoshita's and started silently reading her phone over her shoulder. And abruptly, her mouth dropped open in a surprised O as her face began to flush. What the hell has Yukinoshita got on her phone over there? From their reactions, you'd guess it was some kind of hardcore porn or something. I sighed as I pushed my chair back and got up to walk over.

"What the hell's got you two worked up?" I demanded as I stalked over to Yukinoshita's phone as well.

"W-wait, Hikki! Don't come over here!" Yuigahama was out of breath and her face was slowly turning redder. Don't make that face at me. Seriously, don't. You're disturbing my peace of body and mind. Meanwhile, Yukinoshita slowly turned her head away from me as if she was frozen solid. I swore I heard her joints cracking with frost as she swiveled her neck, but her ears were on fire beneath her raven-black hair.

"The hell. Lemme see that phone at least," I asked. I plucked it out of Yukinoshita's unfeeling fingers and finished reading the article to myself. "In today's Christmas, there is a tradition that when a man and a woman are under the mistletoe together, they share a kiss."

…

…

What.

The HELL.

All the implications of what I just read suddenly flooded in at once as one enormous data stream, causing lag on my mainframe.

Yuigahama snatched the phone back from my stunned hand with a red face and then turned away, as I stood stock still in shock.

Okay. Sort it out, Hachiman. This is one of those times to use your special loner skills: Logical Reasoning.

First: Hiratsuka-sensei had given us some holiday decorations, including an unknown plant.

Unsuspecting, we hung it about the clubroom.

We then learned the true identity of the plant-mistletoe-and its role in Christmas celebrations.

And now…

As one, all three of us frozen in that quiet clubroom slowly looked up at the ceiling. At the plant hanging right above our heads.

Crap.

Happy Holidays, Fanfiction community! A Christmas-themed oneshot, just in time for the holiday season. Think of it as a bit of a Christmas present from me xD. This is the first fanfiction I've ever written, so any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. I'll release the continuation on Christmas Day, so look forward to it. Stay warm.