A/N: Hello all! So I for one loved the new film and have been a Star Wars fan for a long time. Both of these things combined meant plot bunnies aplenty. I thought the new film brought up some very interesting themes, some of which I would like to explore more through this fic. Primarily, I want to explore the upbringing of the First Order soldiers since Finn seems to imply some sort of indoctrination from a very young age. Siri Durran is my vehicle for exploring this. This chapter takes place approximately a year before the events of The Force Awakens though most of the story will take place even earlier. I hope you like Siri and this story. I've put a lot of thought into it and even had my boyfriend give me his thoughts before I published it. Updates will hopefully be weekly though when university starts again it may be more like bi-weekly. I'll let you know either way. So strap in and enjoy the ride! There's lots of drama ahead...

Merry Christmas!

Disclaimer: I obviously own nothing apart from Siri. I'm just playing around with this world and will put everything back where I found it.

Chapter 1

Not a hair out of place. Siri took some small amount of satisfaction from that. She needed to look immaculate for the ceremony. It was unusual for there to even be a ceremony in the first place but today marked the promotion of not just any officer. Today Captain Siri Durran would become the First Order's first female Commodore. At this rate she was practically guaranteed an invitation to the admiralty within five years.

She harshly shoved a few more pins into her bun, just in case. Her fingers executed a routine that seemed both familiar yet foreign. She should be happy that her hands remembered how to style her hair according to regulations. She should also be happy that she was getting the promotion she had yearned for since she was a teenager going through the academy. Two years ago this was all she wanted. A flash of frustration flew through her and she threw the hairpin in her hand onto the bed. Resisting the urge to rake her hands through her polished hair, she instead gripped the sides of the plasteel cabinet and took a harsh look at herself in the mirror.

She saw a mouth that hadn't smiled in a year, though if she looked close enough she could see the small wrinkles that had begun to develop there. They were the remnants of smile lines that hadn't had the chance to fully develop. She saw sharp cheekbones that mimicked icy crevices. Or frosty ones. She saw the wrinkles that should have been around her lips between her eyebrows instead, the remnants of a lifetime of anger, sadness and, more recently, confusion. She saw another woman's eyes staring back at her. It felt like the more Siri caught a glimpse of her reflection, the more she saw another woman. A woman she had never had the chance to know. Would she be disappointed? Siri had disappointed a lot of people over the last couple of years. What she did was unforgivable. To them. To him. The skin between her eyebrows creased again. She was so sorry. She shouldn't be and she wouldn't get the chance to tell them but she hoped that at least thinking it meant something.

The next few minutes she spent schooling her face back into a mask of cool indifference. She was a master of that; she had years of practice. But he'd seen past it. He had made her feel like a person. With his help, she'd become more than just Captain Siri Durran, First Order officer and distinguished graduate of the Arkanis Academy's naval programme with top marks in strategy and tactical analysis. She'd become Siri Durran, a twenty something year old woman who enjoyed Jizz music and playing Pazaak with people she might have called friends.

A knock on her door snapped her out of her thoughts. "It's time, ma'am."

Quickly grabbed her officer's cap, she fitted it snugly on top of her head. She made a few adjustments to make sure it fit neatly on top of her bun and took one last look in the mirror. To almost anyone else she would look how she always did. Cold, impassive and almost regal in her bearing. Only her eyes betrayed her. Only one person had known her well enough to tell that something was wrong but he wasn't there.

She stepped away from the mirror and looked deep into the eyes of the other woman that stared back. "I'm sorry." She had only said that one other time before but she meant every word both times.

Two Stormtroopers escorted her down the dark corridors of the base. The corridors felt claustrophobic and she felt like she couldn't breathe. Forcing her breathing to follow a regular rhythm, she concentrated on the sound her boots made against the rigorously polished floor. The clack of her shined boots in tandem with the steps of the Stormtroopers down corridors that all looked vaguely similar calmed her. Now she just needed to appear more enthusiastic than she currently did. She needed to be more enthusiastic than she was. Everyone thought that this was she wanted. She needed to make them believe that. A practiced smile formed on her face, just bright enough to seem excited while also not too large to seem unprofessional. Image was everything in the Order. They were disciplined soldiers first and people second.

She felt cold as she was led outside. Snow lightly fell on her uniform. They hadn't yet built a hall for such an occasion so a makeshift stage had been built outside the base. After all, efficiency was key for the Order. They had been planning and building the base for nearly thirty years, their priority was to make sure it was operational before they built any sort of appropriate celebration hall.

Hundreds of Stormtroopers and officers were perfectly lined up in front of the stage, spaced apart just so. As she approached the back of the white and black mass, the soldiers all turned to face inwards and saluted her as she passed. The sound of their synchronised movement echoed in her ears as she walked down the aisle they had created, this time without her Stormtrooper escorts. She felt so small as she approached the stage, though she supposed that was the point. It was a symbol of the Order's power and mission which was bigger than any individual.

Alone, she took her place amongst the dignitaries sat on the stage. First there was a speech from Admiral Varik. Something about how inspirational she was and that she was a testament to the fantastic training of the academy. Siri wasn't really paying attention. She didn't expect there to be this many people though really she ought not be surprised. She was an example for all future officers. She was an idol. A First Order officer that had dealt a blow to the Resistance that would take them years to recover from. She wondered how many young officers there were, particularly female, in the audience that truly did idolise her. She shifted stiffly in her seat. She shouldn't be admired. If anything she felt slightly ashamed of her achievements and she did not want to inspire the next generation of Siri Durrans. People shouldn't aspire to be like her.

"Captain Siri Durran, step forward!" The Admiral boomed.

That was her cue. She took her place in front of the Admiral and repeated his words of loyalty and fealty to the Order and its mission while holding the Admiral's hand in her own. The words that came out of her mouth felt rehearsed. She only hoped they did not come across that way.

Behind the Admiral sat the also newly promoted General Hux. The very sight of him made her blood seethe. This was the first time she had ever seen him and she had not forgotten the promise she had made his father. Hux belonged to her and one day she would be happy to see him bleed. Hux's face remained stoic though she could have sworn she saw a slight glimmer of rage burning in his eyes. He looked just like his father.

The Admiral took back his hand and turned to the officer beside him. Carefully taking the bundle of clothing in his arms, he presented Siri with her new uniform. She hesitated briefly and then took the uniform from him with a bare hint of a smile. Then the Admiral turned her to face their waiting and audience.

"I present to you, Commodore Siri Durran!"

Not even Siri could deny the surge of pride she felt as they applauded. She had been waiting for this moment for years. She had always strived to be the very best and in that moment she had proved that she was. No other Arkanis graduate had surpassed her in rank yet. In that moment she had achieved her life ambition. From then on it could only get better for her. She supressed the small voice inside her head that told her otherwise.

She took her seat again and General Hux replaced Admiral Varik at the head of the stage.

"An inspiration to us all!" He lauded, gesturing towards Siri with a condescending smile. She tried to keep her face as still as possible.

After the applause died down once more, General Hux faced the crowd again. "I have yet more news to bring you on this glad day!" He smiled with his arms held open, addressing the crowd with practiced ease. Siri's brows furrowed. Whatever news Hux had to give it couldn't be good.

"Due to your hard work, I am pleased to announce that the weapon you have been tirelessly working to build is ahead of schedule. With no further complications, the weapon will be fully functional within the year."

He continued to speak about how this weapon would bring about the end of the wretched Resistance but his words never reached Siri. She could see Hux's angry spit from where she was sat but his words were never processed. It was as if she was swimming underwater and all sound was drowned out. She continued to watch Hux and the Order with wide eyes. Her breathing became shallower and as they all raised their fists in unison to salute their leader, Siri looked out at the soldiers of the First Order and was horrified by what she saw.

After the ceremony, a select few had been invited to the General's offices for drinks where they toasted to Siri's current and future success. Her face hurt from all of the smiling. She just wanted to hole herself up in her room until she regained her composure. Then she might be ready to face the world. She still hadn't had the time she needed to fully process the General's words. Everyone that she knew was in danger and there was nothing she could do about it. Correction. There was nothing she should do about it. She should be happy. This was a momentous occasion.

A flash of blue and white caught her eye and when she turned she saw a familiar figure in Stormtrooper armour as the doors closed behind him. She froze momentarily and quickly glanced around to see if anyone else had seen him. After assuring herself that he had been unseen, she quickly made her excuses and left.

Racing down the corridors of the base she found him. Having heard her boots, he turned to face her with the Stormtrooper helmet tucked under his arm.

"Traitor." She hissed.

He still smiled. She knew she wasn't fooling him.

"A traitor of what?" His voice was calm. "If betraying the ideals of the First Order makes me a traitor then I will happily bear that title. I thought you understood that."

There was a brief moment of silence and when Siri spoke again she was embarrassed by how much it shook. "What are you doing here Rathu?"

He sighed. "I don't want to be here either Siri. I'm just doing a favour for a friend."

There was a world of meaning behind his red eyes as he said those words and Siri immediately knew of whom he spoke.

"How is he?" She whispered, feeling much like a small child caught misbehaving.

"He has been better."

Hope bloomed in her chest. Did he miss her too? No. It didn't matter. She could not allow herself to care about him anymore. It would only make things harder.

"Why did you do it Siri? To us? To him?" He asked, desperate for answers.

Feeling fully chastised and guilty under his stare, her answer was wholly inadequate and they both knew it. "The Order was everything I knew."

Frustrated, Rathu stepped towards her. "But not anymore Siri! Don't you get it?"

She refused to feel guilty under his eyes anymore and stretched herself out to her full height. "You know I could alert anyone to your presence right now?" It was all bravado and they both knew it.

Rathu smiled sadly. "You never have before."

Siri said nothing more. What more could she say to him? Sensing her reluctance, Rathu smiled at her once last time and hurried back down the corridor. Siri did nothing. She would let him leave with no complications. How different things were between them. They had become something like friends again last year. Siri had ruined that too. She appeared to have quite a gift for that. Tears welled in her eyes but she refused to let herself cry. Staring down the corridor through which Rathu had left, she roughly pulled her officer's cap from her head. A few strands of icy blonde hair fell from her bun but she didn't care.

She felt cold again.