AN: Totally not what I typically write, but this was done for Tumblr's SasoSaku month, in November. I was thinking about how to make Ouroburos into a supervillain!AU and this crack came out. I'm not sorry. And it's a one-shot, most definitely.

A Notice of Employment

RING!

RING!

Sasori supposed it was too much to ask for a typical henchperson. After all, he wasn't your typical supervillain. One would expect a supervillain of his skill and caliber to be more science-oriented, in fact with his degree in Mad Science, he should be quite pigeon-holed into the mad science area of Supervillainy. Of course, unlike any colleagues in the field, it was not a love of science that attracted him – it was art.

The problem with art is that it was 'subjective', no matter how Sasori insisted otherwise. Science was resolute and methodical, and apparently there were little surprises in working for mad scientists or doctors, whereas mad artists were apparently prone to 'passions'. Or that was what young Kabuto had said when he turned down Sasori's job offer for the more lucrative position in Orochimaru's little supervillain startup, Sound Experiments Inc. It was a little unfair to Sasori, after all, Orochimaru was his former colleague (and archrival if Sasori ever got to formally declaring that) and they had the same amount of experience. Why would Orochimaru have squadrons of henchpeople when he had nothing.

There should be apprentices knocking his door down, teleporting into his foyer, or delivering resumes by missile. Instead, he got this.

"Uh, yes, I'm looking for Red Sand Sasori, about the, uh, henchperson position." She said, clutching her pink little binder, decorated with floral print, to her chest. She craned her neck to look past him and further into his secret lair, as if 'Sasori' would pop up.

"You're looking at him."

"Oh," She said, blinking large, green eyes at him. "Oh! You're Sasori?" Sasori wondered if he should feel insulted, but it was hard to, with a woman like her. He looked her up and down again, noting that her hair was pink – absolutely the most ridiculous hair color he'd ever seen on a super villain, and how completely unremarkable this pink-haired teenage girl in a red dress looked.

"You're clearly not what I'm looking for." He said, closing the door before he could hear her reply.

There was no bell-ringing, no knocking after that. And so, by the time Sasori went to bed, he wrote the strange pink-haired girl playing at supervillainy off as a onetime thing.

He was wrong.

RING!

"It's you. Didn't I tell you I wasn't interested? I don't like to repeat myself."

Her green eyes shone and as she took a deep breath.

"Hello, my name is Haruno Sak-…"

He slammed the door before he could hear anymore.

RING!

"No."

"Yes!"

"I said no. You're clearly not cut out to be a villain."

"Excuse me? – I graduated at the top of my class in Mad Science, with distinction - I am totally cut out to be a villain!"

He looked her up and down again – this little girl graduated?

"Shame," he said, making his way to close his door again. "Standards must have fallen since I graduated."

He could hear indignant swearing at the other side of the door, but as with everything to do with his new pest, he paid it no mind.

It went on like that for two weeks, though she wouldn't bother him on weekends. Each time something new about her was learned – like the fact she concentrated on poisonology and bioweapon making, both specialties of his, or the fact she actually attended the same school as Kabuto had. All of this would have made her a very suitable henchperson for him – except he couldn't get over her.

It wasn't the pink hair anymore, it was the whole irritating, insolent package. The clashing red dress, the wide green eyes so full of life, the smile she'd put on when he actually opened the door and gave her two minutes of his attention. She was bright in every sense of the word and Sasori couldn't figure out for the life of him why such a girl would want commit to a life of crime. She should be humming along healing the sick somewhere – not intending to poison the world. People like her just wouldn't understand what he meant by making the world 'beautiful'. She'd never be able to.

Sadly, it spoke to how deeply isolated he had been since Akatsuki split that he actually looked forward to her ringing his doorbell daily. And the moment Sasori realized that, he immediately resolved to ignore her before he did something ridiculous, like actually hire her.

Three days had passed since he resolved to ignore the girl instead of briefly humoring her. On the fourth day, there was no ringing, no knocking, no screaming of "Come on, I know you're in there".

There was only-

CRASH!

His door flew open and at least twenty feet into his base, and not only the door but a great chunk of his front wall too. It landed with a heavy thud on the floor, covering everything with dust and pieces of wall.

And on the other side was the girl with her fist cocked back. There was a smile, bold and challenging, on her face and such power in her eyes that Sasori – he wanted to preserve her.

Of course, like most things it didn't last. The moment the dust cleared and she could see the extent of damage she had wrought, she squeaked in horror.

"Oh, no! I didn't mean to hit that hard, I'm so sorry! I just forget how strong I am when I'm angry, please don't sue me!"

Sasori looked at the gir-, no, Sakura in wonder.

"How long have you been able to do that?" He asked, wondering if he was dreaming. Super strength. Sakura. They didn't compute. He watched as she crouched down and lifted the huge chunk of wall and door she had punched in, as easy as could be, and carried it over her shoulder. Like it was nothing.

"Oh," She said, setting the chunk back into the wall. "I always have – super-strength, you know?" Sasori didn't feel like telling her that she had set his wall back in the opposite way, because it wasn't really the point here.

"You could have mentioned that."

"I tried to, but you kept slamming the door into my face!" She snapped back before turning large, apologetic eyes to him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to yell, or break your base. I can't really help pay for it, because, well, I am unemployed so…I'll go now?" She ended awkwardly and began making her way out.

"Brat." He said because he couldn't help himself. Sasori knows when he's lost.

"Yeah?"

"Get back here, I need you to fill out some employee forms and give you a manual."

"Wait-Really? You're hiring me?" The brat punched the air and screamed some sort strange catchphrase, making Sasori wonder if he had taken leave of his senses. His dreams were never this strange.

"Thank you! Thank you so much, you'll never regret this-"

"The repair costs are coming out of your salary." He added, gaining delight from how quickly that had silenced her. He couldn't be too soft, especially not with her.

Not if he wanted to see that exhilarating look on her face again.

let me know how much of a trash can I am for writing this by reviewing~!