Standard Disclaimer: I don't own Oregairu and I do not make money publishing this story.

A Journey Of A Thousand Miles

AN: A word of warning - this chapter was released as a kind of double feature together with the fifth chapter because I have to rush these updates due to an upcoming hiatus. So make sure you read these chapters in the right order.

Me - Hikigaya Hachiman - having a harem?

That is a preposterous, an utterly absurd notion. Not only do I lack the qualifications for a harem protagonist, I also lack the willingness.

A harem is a still frame, a picture frozen in time. There is no progress, just the 'happily ever after' that is common to fairy tales and incompatible with the real world. The modern harem is an impossible concept because it does never try to address the march of time. Would the dynamics not change if someone got ill, pregnant or promoted? Would some important relationship aspects not change over time?

I should not put too much weight into Haruno's words, she is the wrong ally of justice [1].

With the recent heavy atmosphere in the Service Club I had decided to spend Golden Week holed up at home and planning how I could address the uneasiness of my fellow Service Club members and how I could mend my relationship with Kawasaki who had stopped to send me her regular mails filled with recipes and tips where to go shopping for ingredients.

It might be only because she is currently occupied with her family but I am worrying about it nonetheless.

This year my parents did not go on a vacation and took Komachi with them which meant that I could not stay at home and just ask for whatever money they would have spent on me during this vacation.

The early free days were peaceful enough with both of them sleeping to recover from their dreadful existence as corporate slaves. But when they had recovered they began to prod Komachi and me to go outside or to do 'fun family stuff' with them which inevitably ended with my father dispensing unwanted advice about life.

Luckily, Komachi had the right idea and persuaded them to go on a 'date day'. Her reasoning was that our parents should not be shackled by their kids and instead use a portion of the free time they had earned and keep it to themselves.

My grateful father left us some money to feed ourselves for the day. When he saw me walking down the stairs and rubbing my eyes at 11 am, he discretely put a little bit more money on Komachi's pile.

I was looking forward to another day of laziness and the occasional brainstorming concerning what to do but I was pulled out of a particular engaging gaming session when my phone vibrated to signal me that it had received a new message.

~Kyah, Onii-chan. Your cute little sister has taken the meaning of 'date day' to heart and she's using this fine weather to eat this year's first ice-cream with her favorite member of the Kawasaki family ~

I could only stare in disbelief at this brazen message.

Her favorite member of the Kawasaki household was undoubtedly Keika but with her grandparents there that meant that the younger children had to stay with the grandparents in order to be spoiled rotten. Similarly the eldest sibling also has to be there in order to get blamed for anything and generally be helpful towards their ungrateful relatives.

Source: Me.

That left only one option and it was the most horrible one to any responsible onii-chan. She was currently meeting with that insect and poor excuse for an older brother to Keika.

I shot out of my seat and sprinted to my bike. Being the good older brother that I am I obviously know Komachi's favorite ice cream shops. Usually I was the one who had to accompany her to them and she claimed it was her form of community service, which was naturally worth a lot of points, to lure me outside

It would only take me ten minutes to reach the first shop and it would be the easiest place to find her because that location did not allow you to take you ice cream outside.

As I pedaled towards my destination I envisioned what I would do to that disgusting insect. I dare not imagine how he would look at my sister while she was innocently indulging herself with a popsicle or an ice cream cone.

They are not there.

I could boil him alive and feed use his insect flesh for some fishbait.

My resolve becomes only stronger as I push onwards to another possible hotspot

They are not here either.

I want to break his limbs one by one.

No trace of them at this location.

The last place Komachi likes to visit for ice cream is near a park and I waste nearly half an hour searching the entire damn vicinity.

~Ugh, it has become really hot all of a sudden. That reminds Komachi - it's going to be summer soon. I should buy a new swimsuit and get the design approved by my favorite member of the Kawasaki family~

The brat is toying with me, there is no doubt. But I cannot abandon her on the off-chance that the despicable insect has somehow acquired a Geass and is manipulating my precious Komachi.

There are only a few places that cater to Komachi's physique but on the other hand as a lone male I am the most suspicious customer there is for these establishments.

I am going to push him in front of a train.

Hm, not a single hint of them here.

I will make him eat Yuigahama's cooking.

The clerk at this store has not seen them either.

I will reroute all the scary mails from Hiratsuka-sensei to his phone.

Where are they?

~Ugh, that made Komachi thirsty, time for an iced coffee.~

I will make him read Zaimokuza's stories.

Why is this happening to me?

I will make him watch as Zaimokuza acts out his stories.

What have I done to deserve this anguish?

~I'm at home, Onii-chan.~

With my last ounce of energy I manage to park my bike in our carport.

When I stumble into our living room Komachi is sitting alone with her feet under the kotatsu with Kamakura sidling up to her. If I were not be so exhausted I would be extremely shouting because I just wasted an entire afternoon chasing her. With ragged breath I step in front of her to give her the lecture of a lifetime.

Then I see that she has been crying. Her eyed are bloodied and her face is still red. My onii-chan instincts return with a vengeance. Whatever he did to her, I will repay him 80,000 times.

"Onii-chan?"

Komachi's voice which is usually vibrant and full of life has been reduced to a pitiful mewling. I put a hand on her head to assure her that I am at her side while I am inwardly practicing how I will call the police in order to have him arrested.

"What did he do?"

"Nothing, onii-chan."

"Do not protect someone who obviously hurt you, what did he do?"

Her voice returns a little bit but it is still laced with the roughness of someone who just bawled her eyes out.

"He didn't do anything, she-"

I am completely at a loss here, who is the third person now?

"Who?"

"Saki-san-"

"What did she do?"

"She just spoke to me."

"What did she say?"

"N-nothing"

"Tell me! What did she say!"

Komachi takes a deep breath.

"A lot of t-things and I can't repeat them all. So f-for now-"

She looks at me with teary eyes.

"-I want you to act more like an Onii-chan and not like a Hachiman."

I must admit that I cannot follow her logic.

"What does that even mean?"

She weakly pulls me down so that I can sit next to her. Tired as I am from all the searching I am easily molded into a cushion for her. She lays her head on my shoulder and steadies her breathing.

"Komachi does not need you right now to analyze what she said but more like something to hold on to."

She buries her face in my shirt.

"Komachi needs to trade in a lot of points."

After a while she seems to have calmed down. I can only feel small patches of wetness through my shirt. when she finally gets up she just stares at me with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry, onii-chan"

My wreck of a little sister then leaves for her room.

That evening my phone lights up with another message.

-We've got stuff to discuss.-

-We've got stuff to discuss.-

The message is simple and straight to the point like its sender.

Given what state she reduced my sister to, however temporary, I certainly have things to discuss with someone who has had my sympathies so far.

A few other messages are sent between us and we agree on the school's rooftop as our meeting place on the first day of school after Golden Week.

Kawasaki arrives very late that day and does not look at me even once when she enters our classroom. Only her very deliberate stiff walk betray an enormous tiredness to me who has gotten accustomed to her movement patterns.

For the duration of the whole day whenever the situation allows for it she amuses herself by gazing out of the window next to her seat.

Who do you think you are? Some kind of heroine?

When the regular school hours have finally passed I instruct Yuigahama not to expect me in the clubroom on this day while Kawasaki slips out.

She awaits me on the staircase that leads to the roof and wordlessly ascends the steps as she sees me. I follow her with a urgency that is quite unusual to me.

My fellow loner is already opening the door to the roof when she reappears in my field of vision.

As I enter into the humid summer air Kawasaki is already climbing the ladder that leads to the water tower. I recognize this territory as her loner lair, the area where one retreats to in order to appreciate being alone.

Zaimokuza has the library, I have the small exit that leads to the tennis courts and Kawasaki has the roof.

Each with their own advantages and disadvantages. Zaimokuza has central heating and air conditioning but has to watch out for those who might disturb his peace or to be more correct for those he might creep out. Kawasaki, although blessed with a far quieter spot has to contend with the weather to a greater degree and lacks room for evasive maneuvers should the need arise.

That leaves my own space as the last and best. I can enjoy the weather if I so choose to or stay inside. Nobody really uses that small entrance and disturbs my calm. But above all I can watch Totsuka train and listen to his cute grunts when he exerts himself on the tennis courts.

Like an unwanted déjà vu the stagnant summer air is interrupted by a gust of wind that reveals the color of her underwear to me as she reaches the top but the feeling is not as exhilarating as the first time.

Black again, huh? How appropriate of her to wear a color of mourning.

So she is leading me here where she will have the home advantage. Not that heights make me dizzy or that I suspect foul play from her but my steps turn cautious while I climb up to join her.

When I arrive she is already pulling two cans out of her schoolbag. One with some energy drink that is probably meant to keep her awake and delicious MAX Coffee for me. Not that my mood will be significantly lightened by free beverages but the gesture is appreciated.

Her next move, however surprises me, as it is utterly alien to me at this point. She pulls out a pack of cigarettes, sticks one of them between her lips and lights it up.

The only woman I am used to seeing with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth is Hiratsuka-sensei. It almost feels like an extension of her at this point. In contrast Kawasaki glares at the object in her hand as if has mortally offended her entire family. She smokes like she wants to personally end this cigarette's existence.

"I'm sorry, Hikigaya."

My face remains impassive.

"Say that to my sister."

Kawasaki allows herself one drag of her cigarette before she exhales deeply.

"Already did."

"And she apparently forgave you for whatever reason and she cannot stop stressing that point. Tell me, what did you say to her?"

Kawasaki smiles humorlessly at nothing in particular.

"She said that you would ask for that."

Kawasaki inhales deeply and steels herself.

"She secretly picked up my brother in the afternoon and sent me a message where to find them both. My whole family was at our home and on that afternoon I was the stupid, irresponsible, older sibling who just let their eldest grandson goof off instead of spending time with them."

She gulps a little bit.

"She did not want to meet with my brother, that much was clear to me. She wanted for us to meet because we hadn't see each other since that stupid rehearsal."

My classmate's hands ball into fists.

"I didn't want any help and I especially didn't want it that way and so I shouted at her for using my brother and making decisions for me."

She exhales deeply to calm herself

"Do you know what makes you interesting for others?"

"I get easily roped into doing stuff for them?"

"No, uh, do you know what makes you s-specifically interesting for m-me?"

"I get easily roped into doing stuff for you?"

Despite her best efforts to suppress her reaction, the corners of her mouth twitch upwards, even if only for a second.

Her eyes become more distant and her tone turns softer.

"Remember how we met after you found out I was bartending?"

Although I am confused as to how that could have left an interesting impression I nod in affirmation.

"You brought my brother, your whole club and even your sister along. I thought I was in for a sermon and that you would use my brother to put pressure on me."

Kawasaki looks forlornly into the distance like a shipwrecked sailor who has been holding out for years on a deserted island and is struggling to remember the shape of a ship.

"You didn't chew me out and you did even admit that you were using your cram school scholarship to embezzle money from your parents. You didn't make me feel like I was the only one who was a bad guy that morning."

She lets a little bit of ash from the tip of her cigarette fall into the can of her sports drink using it like a makeshift ashtray.

"That's what made you interesting in my eyes."

She slowly turns to face me as if she has to adjust to the sensation that I am still present.

"You know why I am telling you all this, right?"

I have an idea or two. She is pointing out that I did not instrumentalize her brother to further my agenda. A lesson that, despite her presence, Komachi did not pick up on. The other option is a territory that my mind fears to tread upon.

Out of instinct I look around me to search for an escape route.

Kawasaki eyes me with concern.

"Something wrong?"

I choose to reply with the first thing that enters my mind.

"We are a bit high up here."

Kawasaki scrunches up her face.

"Are you feeling sick? If you have vertigo ya wouldn't have gotten up here in the first place."

Damn, she saw through my ruse.

"Just look at your feet or focus on the horizon that usually makes it go away."

And now I feel bad for making her worry.

Those were her words - 'You know why I am telling you this.' She wants me to be introspective and consider the situation seriously. It is a poisoned well she is making me drink from. But once you taste poison you might as well finish the meal [2].

Kawasaki sees the gears turning in my head and tells me what I have been fearing all along.

"I like you."

She shakes her head as if to chase away an unwanted thought.

"I think I love you."

Silence reigns between us for a while. She puts the glimmering cigarette on her can and watches the smoke curl up.

"I am not as graceful as Yukinoshita and neither am I as girlish as Yuigahama but I would still like to have you as my boyfriend."

I should hate myself for being unable to shut off my brain but a question that I cannot extinguish forces itself to the forefront of my mind.

"Out of curiosity, what will you do if I will not answer?"

"I will ask again and again until you've either chosen one of the others or until this school year is over and we will part ways."

The whole situation leaves me with a distinct feeling of wrongness. This is not a confession, not a good one, not even a hasty one. This is the perfect rejection for Kawasaki's feelings.

She lit up a cigarette because she does not expect me to say yes and seal the deal with a kiss.

She does not expect to be chosen because she exalts the charming points of her rivals and does not even mention her own.

She placed the cigarette like an offering is placed on altar for the dead.

She wears black lace because this is supposed to be a sad occasion.

She chose this place because it is her own, this is her youth and I can end it with a simple word.

This is the first time I am on the receiving end of a social suicide and even the prospect hurts unimaginably. I am a little bit scared.

For the longest time I stay silent. I do not know if I can answer her honestly. Meanwhile Kawasaki has retreated into a fetal position, the wind from the sea plays with her bangs and obscures her eyes. I smell salt and I do not know where it is coming from.

I could reject her and choose anyone of the other two or perhaps even Isshiki will one day start to lose hope in catching Hayama. However, there is a logical problem for me. One that has made me skirt the issue with my fellow club members and is responsible for me trying to avoid them and keeping them at a distance since that fateful day.

When I opened my heart to them and selfishly told them that I desired something genuine I barred that way for them.

How can I accept something as genuine when prior to that I have to say I want the genuine thing? It is like telling someone to be more sporadic - it is a paradox that cannot be solved.

It should be clear that I definitely think they are capable of giving me something genuine. But what I fear is my own doubt, that it could gnaw away at all they would freely give me and that it would ultimately destroy us.

Even so, even if I accept Kawasaki I will still be in doubt, this time if I am worthy of her. That form of doubt however, I would probably have with any woman that would choose someone like me.

I decide to give Kawasaki an honest answer.

"I do not dislike you."

For a short moment she cramps up and then lets loose. I said what I truly think but it is not a answer to her question. I should not presume that she understands, we are both too flawed for that.

Time does not suffer itself to be halted; there is no question of prudent retreat or wise renunciation. Only dreamers believe that there is a way out. Optimism is cowardice [3].

I choose to fight my doubts.

"This is not a rejection."

[1] 'Seigi no Mikata' - 'Ally of Justice' is a manga about an evil older sister who gets fawned over by nearly everyone.

[2] A quote from 'Spice and Wolf'

[3] A quote from Oswald Spengler, a very pessimistic German philosopher/historian

Author's Note:

Goals for this chapter: Character development for Komachi because she is not the only Hikigaya who needs to grow up. Make a believable confession for the monster of logic and address the elephant in the room - the golden calf of the fandom - the issue of what is genuine because I think it's fa too often used as a crutch-

I know this is probably all rushed and could have profited from more time but that is exactly what I am lacking at the moment since I might only have time write in several months at the earliest. I sincerely apologize for cluttering the email inbox of those who are following this story.

This was what partly what I envisioned when I began to turn this into a multi-chapter story. I wanted a confession that was not straight out of a fairy tale but slow and filled with the doubts of an inexperienced teenager who is prone to overthinking.