Author's note: Hello! I've seen the movie yesterday, and it pleased me greatly to see that it did justice to the saga. Of course, there were parts I didn't really like, but no movie is perfect. I considered using Rey as I saw some potential between Kylo Ren and her, but what I had in mind didn't really suit Rey's personality and it would make her OOC from what I've seen in the movie. Actually, I'm hoping she is indeed Luke's daughter as it would add more to this story. Needless to say, this contains spoilers, but I doubt anyone at this point is clicking on stories here without having seen the movie (but I could be wrong) so… SPOILERS! This is set at the end of the movie after Kylo faces Rey and Finn, so it will be AU, but I just couldn't wait 2 more years without exploring this.

Also, I would like to have a Beta Reader as English is not my native language, so please PM me if you're interested

PS: This chapter has been mildly edited thanks to some grammatical mistakes. Thank you, MynameisntAslan for pointing these things out!

PS2: This chapter has been thoroughly revised by SpyderByte (my lovely Beta) making it more polished and readable!

The Struggle Within

Chapter One - When Guilt Strikes

The screams and laser sounds reverberated through her consciousness like a knife, startling her from her thoughts at once. Her head spun and her heart thudded hard as she realized the awful truth.

He was dead.

Han Solo was dead.

Tahira grabbed her blaster with inhuman strength, releasing all of her frustration on the object as she stood still. Chewbacca had made it clear: she was to return to the Millennium Falcon so that they could search for Rey and Finn, who had gone missing. She had been foolish enough to leave the ship, in fear that something might happen and she wouldn't be there to be of any use. Which was exactly what had happened.

She didn't need to be told who had killed him. Han Solo wouldn't be easily put to death unless his heart was in the way. She had warned General Leia of how dangerous their son was, and that it'd be best to perform a clean death rather than let him continue with his tantrum all over the galaxy. But Leia Organa was more than a leader. She was a mother with a broken heart, and Tahira couldn't blame her when she asked Han Solo to try to get him back.

Tahira had not long ago completed her nineteenth anniversary. Her usual straight brown hair was wrapped up in a bun for all the convenience of not having long strands in the way when the situation called for a more agile approach. The atmosphere was chilling and far from whatever she had experienced before, resulting in her poor choice of attire, which mainly lacked a furry jacket to help her petite body endure this climate. Even so, the stress she was going through had managed to keep her warm. Well, mostly.

She placed the blaster in the holster wrapped around her right thigh so she could rub her gloved hands together, trying to collect herself over what had happened.

Tahira's worst fears had come true. Kylo Ren killed his own father. She hadn't seen it and was mildly relieved she hadn't or he'd be a dead man by now. Her mission was to accompany Rey, Finn, Han Solo, and Chewbacca to ensure they were safe, but Han Solo made her promise she would not enter the Starkiller base unless he told her so. So much for doing her job properly.

She looked at the sky in a daze as the sunlight grew dimmer by the minute. It wouldn't take long for it to be completely gone, which meant the Starkiller weapon would be fully recharged and ready to be used.

Deciding that standing still as her feet sunk into the snow was not doing any good, Tahira started running as fast as she could, paying special attention to the tracking device on her wrist that showed her the location of the Falcon.

More screams and explosions filled the ambience around her as she dove deep into a forest. The ship wasn't far away. She could see the dot that represented it was moving, which meant Chewbacca was probably on board.

She could feel the scorching wind cut deep through her skin as she ran past the innumerous trees that flanked her. It was then that she heard a sound that drew near with every step she took. It was not an X-wing, or even the Falcon. Treading with caution, she hid behind a massive pine tree as a black shuttle landed a few meters away from where she stood.

Shivers ran down her spine, as she immediately knew who it belonged to. The air around the ship swirled violently as it finally touched the snowy surface. A few moments later, the door finally opened, allowing a man in a uniform to descend from the platform with two stormtroopers behind him.

He wasn't who she expected. From where she stood, it was hard to make out who he was, but there was no doubt he was someone important, as his attire was definitely more refined than most she had seen. He pointed somewhere in the distance, and the two troopers immediately vanished.

Tahira felt the ground beneath her shake. It was a warning that she had lingered there for too long. However, she wouldn't go without killing this man. She promptly grabbed her blaster with both hands, aiming for his back. Another quake almost threw her off balance, but she steadied herself by kneeling with one knee.

The blaster was positioned perfectly at his head. It would be a quick death. More than these animals deserved, but she was in no position to demand more. The gloved finger on the trigger tightened lightly until the two troopers came into sight once again.

And they weren't alone. Both flanked a robbed figure that excused any introductions. Both his arms were over their shoulder for support. She also managed to realize he was without his mask for the first time. The picture she had seen of him before didn't do him much justice. He had had shorter hair and softer features, and his once pleasant face was now that of a man who had been forced to grow too much in a short amount of time.

Kylo Ren.

He looked pretty debilitated and she could definitely identify a long scar on the right side of his face. Had Rey and Finn done that to him? She had little time to be impressed, as the ground shook more violently than before. She hoped with all her heart that the Resistance had managed to exploit this base's weakness and finally destroy it.

Trying her best to keep her balance, Tahira lifted her blaster one last time, only this time, she was aiming at him, the man that had brought so much pain to those who loved him, and that she now cared for dearly. General Leia had found her when she was nothing but a young girl in a forgotten planet that was being assaulted by The First Order. Her family had been killed at the command of their Generals. Knowing that Kylo Ren was the son of Leia had shocked her initially, especially knowing that he was a part of that heartless organization.

That had been five years ago. She had more reasons than most to want him dead. She had never met him before in person, only saw some drawings and portraits General Leia insisted on keeping. He was much younger then. Not as vile and twisted as he was now.

But it didn't matter. His treacherous act on his uncle Luke and his downfall to the Dark Side had managed to separate Han Solo and General Leia as they carried on with their lives, full of regret and pain. They had taken Tahira in and sheltered her when no one else would. She could still remember the smell of burning corpses as her village was being destroyed. She never got to say goodbye to her parents and her little sister, Jana.

The First Order had taken that from her, and since he was one of their most ruthless members, she despised him for that. His parents had given her a reason to carry on with this life, but he was persistent and kept murdering innocent people for no reason. Han Solo had been his latest victim.

The shaking ground was making it almost impossible to keep a steady aim as Kylo Ren prepared to board the ship on his own now. She was going to miss her shot if she wasn't quick enough.

It's for your family. For General Leia. For Han Solo. For the Resistance, she kept saying in her head.

He was now on the platform, ready to enter the shuttle.

Come on, Tahira. Do it!

The moment was lost now. Cracks started forming on the ground as the shaking continued. The Resistance must have fired the last blow. This horrific station would explode in minutes. It was in that moment that her tracking device started beeping loudly. Chewbacca was looking for her.

After a few seconds, she managed to silence the device and hoped no one boarding that shuttle had heard it. She had to leave now or else she'd implode along with the remnants of The First Order.

She shot one last glance at the black shuttle, seeing that the platform was still extended. Shouldn't they be leaving now? Were all of them inside? With no more time to think, she lowered her blaster and hurried through the trees once more, looking over her shoulder every three paces and nearly colliding with a tree in that process. There was a loud sound of from an explosion not far from where she was that made all of her insides jolt in fear -the fear that she would not reach the Falcon in time.

Even though the ground beneath her was pretty much unstable, she had to stop for a moment to catch her breath and understand where the Falcon really was. The device began beeping again as the wookie tried once again to contact her.

She pressed a little button on the side. "Chewie, I-"

Before she could finish the sentence, a pair of dark eyes met hers, and they were the last things she saw before everything went black.

Tahira managed to lift her heavy and painful head from a hard bench. Or it could have been a bed. Was it metal? The cold hardness below her cheek for the last hour screamed yes, in a most ungentle way.

Her loud groan echoed off the metal walls around her, bouncing back to mock her pain. She didn't even dare open her eyes, afraid of what she might encounter. But pain was good. It meant she was still alive, which… confused her. Why wasn't she dead?

"What…"

Tahira's stomach hitched as waves of nausea crawled through her, but she wouldn't be sick. No, I won't be sick in here, even though I don't know where I am. Lying back down on her back, the coolness of the hard, rough surface was almost a relief as she held the sore side of her head to it. The chill went right through her attire. Fighting hard to keep the throb in her head at bay, she breathed slowly, fighting in vain to convince her insides that this was not the time to lose it.

She finally dared to open her dark brown eyes and found herself staring right into a very bland metal ceiling, only decorated with two rows of strong lights that stung her eyes. Reflexively, she shut them once more and repeated the previous process until she could once again gaze anywhere without the light burning through her pupils.

A quick look around made her realize she was probably inside an interrogatory room, and from the buzzing sound, she guessed she was aboard a ship. Much to her contempt, she was alone. The room was vacant and very clean, devoid of anything that could be used as a weapon in her hands.

Speaking of which…

Lifting her hands up, she realized her gloves and tracking device were missing, exposing her elbow-length bandages that gently wrapped around every finger. With some effort, she took the pieces of cloth around her slender fingers and unwrapped them one at a time. Her left forearm had a nasty cut just below her wrist. She needed to examine it.

It appeared to have been made by a knife or some sharp object and it was a clean cut, not longer than one inch. It was easily healable, unless it had poison in it. She doubted it. It was bleeding mildly, meaning it was slightly fresh.

The position she was in became uncomfortable and her shoulders ached with the strain from having been so long on her right side. She was indeed lying on metal bed-like object. But, she didn't have much longer to dwell on it as footsteps drew near to the gray metal door in front of her. Almost as if it were expected, her heart sped up on cue as a shadow loomed at the crease of light under that metal barrier between her, and most likely, painful death.

With one swift movement, the door parted in the middle, revealing Kylo Ren. His long black vest swayed with his movements as he approached until he was a few meters away from her. He remained unmasked, but now, under those bright lights, she was able to see the extent of his injuries. His face was stained with a very bad looking scar that went from his lower right cheek to the corner of his right eye; the tissue covering his left shoulder had been burned, or so it seemed. But what really made her eyes widen in surprise was the trail of blood that followed him and seemed to come from under the vest.

As caution had taught her over the years, she promptly sat upright in an alert position, expecting him to behead her with his infamous weapon.

He was incredibly tall, and, in all honesty, the redness in his eyes gave her the impression he was about to cry. Her previous fear never came true, seeing that he merely sat on a bench, wincing slightly at the pain he was definitely feeling.

For what seemed like hours, there was nothing making a sound in the room but her rapid breathing, and she was positive her heartbeat was audible as well. Her heart pounded heavily against her rib cage and she felt the arteries on her neck throb in equal rhythm.

But this wasn't happening because Tahira was afraid. This was something else entirely . The coldness from the surface she had been in contact with quickly vanished as something unknown to her was building ferociously.

"I can feel your hatred." His voice was low and strong, but vaguely shaken by his best efforts to counter the pain.

This truly surprised her. His dark eyes were fixed on hers and there was no visible expression on his face now. Tahira noticed a puddle of blood collecting on the floor by his left leg. Whenever he moved, the stream of blood increased significantly. He didn't seem to notice this or even care.

Seeing that she was not remarking his statement, he spoke again. "Who are you?"

At this point, she refused to look into his eyes. They had a tint of Han Solo in them. Again, she refused to give him the satisfaction of answering him.

"Who are you?" He pressed once more, leaning towards to rest his arms on his legs, but the motion was enough to gain a hiss from him.

Tahira was pleased to see him suffer like this. It calmed her anger in a very soothing way. But she was smart, and knew he was able to perceive her emotions even in such a condition.

This time, a sly smile tugged on the corner of his mouth. He seemed… pleased. "It satisfies you greatly to see me like this. You're definitely from the Resistance, are you not?"

She nodded, refusing to speak any words to him.

"There's something else about you."

General Leia had told her much of the Jedi way, but also a lot about the Dark Side. He was with no doubt taunting her. Drawing out her worst emotions. It made him stronger. It gave him a purpose.

Then she felt something tug inside her head and a wave of coldness ran down her spine. He was trying to get inside her head. One of his many traits and he excelled at that. She wanted to resist, but didn't know how. Kylo Ren extended his right arm, flexing his covered fingers and the grip inside her head tightened.

"Tahira," He said in a low voice. Hearing him say her name made her cringe in disgust. "You truly hate me. And that is because…" he now shut his eyes, concentrating on her mind. "… we have killed your family."

This time, she wanted to scream. Tell him to stop. The grip only tightened as he perceived the effect he was having on her. After a sting of excruciating pain, he stopped.

"Leia Organa."

Tahira was on the brink of tears, but she had been taught better than this. She fought back the tears, still avoiding his eyes.

"You are close to Leia Organa." This wasn't a question, and she was sure his voice faltered for a split second. "How… interesting."

All her efforts were futile as her anger flared inside her with more strength than ever. "You killed your own father!"

"My father?" He actually laughed at that. "I have no father, but I can see that he was to you what he wasn't to me."

She resisted the urge to punch him right in the face, and her hands that were so vehemently gripping the bed even twitched at the idea of breaking his face in half.

"You're a monster."

The pool of blood on the floor was widening at an alarming rate. He also became aware of this by following her gaze and then pressing his lower left abdomen, hissing again. He was losing too much blood.

Apart from assuring General Leia had the best protection imaginable, Tahira was also trained in medicine, often tending to injured pilots. There was something unsettling about seeing him like this. He was draining right in front of her eyes, and Tahira loathed the idea of even feeling bad for him.

What had he done to deserve sympathy? He was a murderous traitor that betrayed his own family for the sole purpose of following the footsteps of Darth Vader, his grandfather.

More silence fell between them as she watched color slowly leave his face that was now covered in sweat. She knew the symptoms of hypovolemic shock all too well. She had seen members of the Resistance die after an encounter with The First Order.

But she had also saved many from death. She knew how to put a stop to that.

But did she have the guts to save this monster from the death he surely deserved? He was fading fast before her eyes. She didn't need to examine him to know how fast his heart was beating; how dizzy he was feeling; how his pulse weakened more and more.

The medic in her told her to see him as anyone else. To help him. But on the other end, his death would end a spree of terror that had lasted for far too long.

Before she could decide on what to actually do, the door swung open once more. A redhead man walked inside with a very unpleasant expression on his face. That was the man she had seen earlier and all too well known to the Resistance as General Hux.

He then looked at Kylo Ren. "What's the matter with him?"

"He's dying." She shrugged, poison filling every word. The monster is dying. Then she threw the punch line: "I could save him as I am a medic, but I'd rather see him die."

Tahira expected to see alarm or worry on his face or him to pull a blaster on her, but he didn't seem the slightest concerned. "Well, that's a shame. The Supreme Leader will finally be rid of him."

This utterly confused her now. He was willing to let him die? Were there no robot-medics onboard?

"Well, I guess this is your lucky day, rebel scum," He proceeded to talk to her now, completely ignoring the whimpering man not far from him. "You get to see Kylo Ren die before your eyes."

He made a valid point, yes. Her heart accelerated at the thought of willingly letting someone bleed to death while she cheered and cried tears of joy.

"Don't worry, he won't last long, by the looks of it," He mocked with a sly smile on his face. "I don't even know why he hasn't killed you yet. So unlike him."

And then the door was opened once more as a trooper approached General Hux, whispering something to him. She saw his eyes widen in shock, and he left the room, immediately followed by the trooper.

Tahira was left alone with him again. Struggling to figure out the right thing to do. She prided herself for always maintaining a calm state of mind when everything else around her was falling apart, but to say she was panicking was an understatement.

She finally stood up and paced toward him, kneeling before his curved figure. It was not too late. His lips hadn't gone blue yet, and he was still conscious even if only barely. His breathing was shallow as expected, and that vest wasn't helping with.

"I'm doing this because there's still good in him, Tahira. Not because he's my son, but because I believe in him. There's still light in him."

General Leia's words echoed through her head and constantly on replay. Her inner struggle grew by the minute, but she knew the longer she took to do anything, the more chance he'd have to lose consciousness and die.

He then leaned his body forward and she knew he was close to fainting. She immediately prevented him from falling limp on the floor. The moment she felt his head fall on her shoulder was the moment the braveness Tahira had shown thus far wavered and tears rolled down her cheeks.

Her arms hugged his body closely to hers as a mixture of rage and pain filled her. The man responsible for so many deaths was dying in her arms, but there was a small part inside her that urged her to save his life.

He might spare yours if you do. You might be able to make a deal with him and return to General Leia, a shy voice inside her head advised.

She was close to sobbing now when she felt him faintly grip the shirt she had on. He mumbled something she couldn't understand. He was close to losing it. The blood coming from his abdomen was tainting her clothes and she felt the warm liquid spread down her pants.

The door slid open and General Hux halted in shock. His light eyes fixed on her blurry ones as he stated with an aggravated tone. "The hyperdrive is damaged, we cannot save him as we are not close to any planet and can't make the jump to light-speed."

Her eyes closed and she screamed inwardly, so strongly she was afraid her lungs would collapse. The implication of his statement was not subtle. She had to save him. Why was he so worried he might die all of a sudden? And why did the hyperdrive have to be broken?

"Put him in there." She pointed to the cold metal bed. One trooper promptly did as commanded and approached them, grabbing Kylo Ren who kept gripping her shirt with such strength.

He eventually let go and was placed on the bed.

"Do you have a medical kit? I need to restore his liquids and oxygen," She tried her best to ignore the huge bloodstain on her pants as she knelt by his side. "I could also use a device to monitor his heart."

She then glanced at the General who seemed lost in words. Now he was terrified. "I'll see what I can find… just… save him!"

Even these small shuttles must have the essentials for her to at least stabilize him until they got to a more specialized medical unit. She also needed one of his veins punctured before they collapsed from the lack of fluids.

Not long after, he returned with a big box in his hands. "We don't have that heart monitor thing, but this should suffice for the time being. The hyperdrive is being repaired. Save him. If he dies, you die too."

It was a threat, that much was clear. There was still no guarantee she wouldn't still be killed if she miraculously managed to prevent his death. This was a shot in a dark and Tahira knew the odds were against her.

Then Han Solo's voice came inside her head, "Never tell me the odds!"

She was no longer crying as she rummaged through the box, trying to find the equipment she needed. She needed that vein first. She grabbed a catheter and an intravenous bag. To make things even worse, he had his arms fully wrapped in black bandages, and she didn't have the time to unwrap them patiently, so she picked a scissor and cut through one on his right arm and hoped he had decent veins at this point. His skin was pale, and she searched for his radial artery on his wrist to check his pulse.

It was still weak and it was taking longer for the artery to fill. Rapidly, she scanned his arm for a decent vein and found one. Without hesitating, she punctured it, obtaining no reaction from him. He was still conscious, but not enough to oppose to what she was doing to him. As the blood filled the flask chamber on the catheter she knew she had been successful. The IV fluids were soon flowing inside his body.

Another look inside the box and she found no oxygen flask to help, so she could only wait for them to repair the hyperdrive in time or he'd die.

And she'd also die.

It was now time to check his wound. At this point, the lower part of his vest was drenched in blood, and she searched for gloves but didn't find any. She'd have to do this old school style, apparently.

Grabbing the black cloth strip wrapped around his waist, she positioned the scissors so that she could cut through it. After that, she proceeded to cut the rest of the cloth in the way.

The lower part of his abdomen was now completely bare, and Tahira held her breath as she finally saw the wound causing all the blood loss. It wasn't larger than three inches and she knew exactly what had caused this.

Chewbacca's bowcaster. Its firepower was much greater than that of an average blaster, causing much more damage. She grabbed some sterile cloth from the box to compress the wound.

She wasn't going to lie to herself and say it looked promising. It didn't. There was no way to know if it hadn't hit a major organ and it seemed extremely ironic that Chewbacca might actually be the cause of her death, in case she wasn't able to stabilize Kylo Ren.

His blood started to soak the piece of cloth in no time, and it didn't take long for her own hands to be covered in it as well. This environment was in no way adequate for this, as his wound could easily get infected.

The pressure on his abdomen eventually gathered a few hisses from him, making Tahira focus her attention on his face for a while. This was hardly the face of a killer. He looked truly inoffensive on the surface, and she was relieved to see that he was still conscious, but she needed to ensure that things would stay that way which meant she'd need to talk to him for that to happen.

Never loosening the pressure on the wound, Tahira put aside all the grudge she had against him and tried to see him as just any other patient.

"You have to stay conscious," She wouldn't usually say things like this, as this puts some pressure on the patient, but she didn't know how to properly talk to him without sounding phony. It was best to only resort to this if things got ugly, so she allowed herself to relax a bit.

There was no way she could stop the hemorrhage without the proper medication and equipment. The wound didn't seem too deep, but maybe that was her optimistic side talking. If that were the case, she could try to stitch it.

He seemed more active now and that was certainly a good sign. It didn't take him long to try to get her hands to leave his body. It was clear he didn't like to be touched, or maybe it was because he knew she was an enemy, and the idea of having her see him in such a vulnerable position made him struggle to get rid of her.

"Stop it," Tahira snarled when he suddenly gripped her right wrist with such strength that caught her by surprise. "I'm helping you."

He lessened the grip, but didn't let go of her. Instead, he fixed his half-closed eyes on her. "Why?"

Yes, why? Another good question. Maybe because it was no longer a choice. General Hux had made it clear that if he died she would also die. Hadn't he heard that?

"Stop talking," She decided to reply as he released her wrist. "You're wasting valuable energy."

That seemed to be enough to shut him for a while as she tossed the drenched cloth to the side and rapidly placed a clean one on the wound again. She had to at least try and search for a stitching kit inside the box. With her left hand on his wound, she dove the other one into the box in search for what she needed. However, she could only find glue, which would only be a temporary solution to a greater problem.

This will have to do. I'll add more pressure if needed. You can do this, Tahira gave herself a pep talk while she applied the glue on the borders of the wound with one hand making sure they touched each other so that this procedure could be as effective as possible.

After a few minutes pressing the borders together, the glue finally dried. There was still some blood dripping from the bottom, but overall it seemed she managed to control it for the time being.

Sweat rolled down her temple, which she promptly wiped on the back of her hand. She eventually sunk on her knees by his side, reaching out for his pulse once more. He flinched at her touch, but didn't resist it. It was not as strong as she had hoped, but she lacked a lot of equipment here. The oxygen would have been a great addition in this case. Even so, his heart rate had stabilized to a lower rhythm and he seemed to be breathing more effortlessly.

Every now and then, Tahira would examine his features and the wound to make sure things would hold until they reached somewhere that could truly help him.

But then it hit her again. She had just saved his life. Kylo Ren would live another day because of her. Maybe she should have accepted her sentence and die as he would die with her. It would break General Leia's heart to know her son was dead, but maybe it was for the best.

He's a part of The First Order... they killed your family…

Inevitably, more tears rolled down her face, but she did her best not to make a single noise that would make him notice that. She had saved a murderer because she was afraid to die. She was trained as a soldier… to be more than her feelings and needs. She needed to meet the needs of others, even if that meant her own death. She pledged allegiance to Leia Organa and the Resistance, and when she came face to face with one of their worst nightmares, she faltered and ended up saving him because deep down, she feared death. Feared dying as her parents did. With no mercy.

All of these events had apparently taken a toll on Kylo Ren, as he seemed to be resting. Tahira dried her eyes, leaning against the cold wall as she pushed her knees against her chest and encased them with her arms. Her head eventually rested on her knees as she cried and tried to forget what she had just done.

How would she be able to live her life with such a burden? Yes, she had spared General Leia's son's life. But at what cost?

Footsteps soon approached the door. She knew who was coming.

General Hux stepped inside the room with a vacant expression. "How is he?"

"Stable for now."

She didn't even bother to lift her head to look at him. She wanted to escape this. She had done enough.

"Good," Tahira heard him speak again. "Now look at me."

As she slowly lifted her head she came face to face with a blaster in his hand and a smug smile dancing on his lips. He was alone this time.

"Did you really think I was going to let you live, rebel scum?"

Next chapter: The First Doubt

So, I'm in no way familiar with Star Wars medicine, but I don't think it differs much in these cases, and I know they have very futuristic ways of dealing with certain things, but I decided to stick with what I know. I'm a nurse so everything stated is the usual procedure. I'm sorry for the long chapter, but I got carried away :p I hope this was a good first chapter and tell me your opinion!