A/N: So if you've been watching tonight's episode you know that this is all moot now because THANK GOODNESS THEY TOOK CARE OF THINGS. And it was precious and I loved it. But I had already written this and I still wanted to share. Enjoy the angst!

Boyle was screaming at him as the little, blonde haired girl cowered in the corner. Deeks could see the terror in her eyes, had heard it in her voice on the phone before he ran out of his apartment. "He's got a gun! I think he's going to kill me!"

"Deeks!"

He'd never driven anywhere so fast. He kicked in the door when he heard Tiffany scream. He leveled his gun at Boyle and told him to stop. He had to stop. He couldn't keep hurting her. His mom. Tiffany. His father.

"Deeks, wake up!"

Everything was running together and there was a bang and a scream and the world went red.

"Deeks!"

He woke with a start, heart pounding, sweat causing the sheets to stick to his skin.

"Deeks, are you okay?" Kensi was hovering over him, a hand on his chest, concern on her face.

Deeks blew out a breath and pressed a hand to his eyes, trying to wipe away the images sleep had brought. But he couldn't. Some of them real, some of them not, sometimes he didn't even know anymore.

Kensi continued to study him, withdrawing her hand. "You were yelling again."

"Sorry," he replied as he pushed off the covers and started to rise. "Go back to sleep."

"Wait, where are you going?" she asked, pushing off her elbow to fully sit up.

"I'll be right back." He wouldn't. He would be on the couch the rest of the night, staring blankly at the television while his dog slept at his feet.

"Deeks, wait, stop," she reached for his hand and pulled him back toward the bed. "You've been having these nightmares for weeks. You're barely sleeping, you're not eating, you haven't even surfed since you got back." She didn't have to mention where he'd been, the memory of prison bars separating them was still too fresh in both of their minds. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm good," he tried again to leave but she refused to let go of his hand. And he was too tired to fight her. Too tired to pull away again like he had every night for the last two weeks. Too tired of having this weight, this god-awful weight sitting like a rock in the pit of his stomach. He was just too tired.

"Deeks," Kensi took in his defeated face, the lifelessness of his body as he sank back onto the mattress. He'd been a shell of himself for days and she couldn't take it any longer. "What's wrong?"

He couldn't answer right away, and when he did his voice was thick, so different from the light tone she was used to. "Please don't make me do this."

Kensi felt a jolt of fear. She put her hands on his face even though he wouldn't lift his gaze to hers. "Do what? Baby, what is it?"

Silence filled the room. When the words came out they were quiet, pained, broken.

"I killed Boyle."

The words weren't shocking. But the betrayal was instantaneous. The world tilted. "You…what?"

"He was going to kill Tiffany."

Hearing it was worse than she'd thought it would be. She'd seen the files, read between his lies, but no amount of preparation could take away the sting of his words. "You told me…you said you didn't know who killed him."

"He was hurting her. I had to stop him."

"Oh my god…Deeks," Kensi felt like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs.

"I didn't know what else to do."

"You lied to me. I asked you. And you lied to me."

"I didn't want you dragged into the investigation. I thought I was protecting you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She let her hands fall. "If this is what you think protection is I'd hate to see your idea of betrayal."

"I never meant for it to go this far. I never thought it would take this long for them to come looking," he fiddled with the comforter. "Honestly, I didn't think I'd be alive this long."

"I asked you point blank, and you lied to my face. What am I supposed to do with that? I defended you. I risked my job for you Deeks."

"I know. I'm sorry. I couldn't…thing with us were so…good. I just couldn't…I didn't want to hurt you."

She swallowed hard. "Tell me what happened."

His shoulders slumped. Kensi had never seen him look so small. For the first time since the day they met, he opened his mouth, and laid his soul bare before her.

"Tiffany called me and said Boyle had roughed her up. That she was part of a sting but no one ever came to bail her out. When I got there I could hear him screaming at her through the door."

He breathed deeply. "She was only 17, Kens. She was just a kid. The door was unlocked so I went in. I pulled him off of her and he started swinging. He was out of his mind, drunk. I told Tiffany to leave but she couldn't even move she was so scared. And I was so…angry. I was just so angry. And I just…pulled the trigger."

Tears filled his eyes. "I got her up and we left. I didn't even check to see if he was dead we just got the hell out of there. By the time I got back LAPD was already there. I knew if I said anything I was done. Boyle had made sure that everyone on the force was out for blood. They would have locked me up and thrown away the key."

He was shaking but the words kept pouring out. "I didn't know what else to do. I got her set up and I wired her the money," he shrugged. "And six months later I was at NCIS."

He sniffed and wiped his eyes. "I've thought about it every day since. I've gone over it and over it a thousand times. I should have moved faster, I should have waited to see if he was really going for his gun, I should have tried to call for back-up….I just…I don't, I don't know…"

"Baby, baby come here," she pulled him to her as he gasped for air.

"I was so angry. He was everything I hated. I wanted…" he swallowed, "I think wanted to kill him."

"Deeks, Deeks stop. Look at me. Look at me!" she insisted. "I know you Deeks. I know you better than you know yourself. You are not a murderer. You did what you had to."

"I can't live like this anymore," he whispered.

"Then let me help you. You don't have to protect me, Deeks. Let me fight for you. You've convinced yourself that you are this…this person who has to keep everything locked up inside. That you deserve to be alone."

"You're not leaving?" he asked.

"Of course I'm not leaving," she sighed. "Deeks, I love you. I love you good, bad, all of you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children. And nothing…nothing is going to change that. Not this. Not anything."

She pulled away from him, her heart heavier than she ever thought possible. "But if you can sit there for one second and think that we are okay right now you are sorely mistaken. Every second you spent keeping this from me you hurt me."

She took a breath. "So the lying, the secret, the half-truths, they end today. Because, god help me, I'm going to forgive you for this. But trust me when I say…" it was hard to speak past the lump in her throat, "there will not be a next time."

"Okay," his voice was shaky, all the energy completely sapped from his body. He looked afraid to touch her, afraid that at any second she was going to get up and walk out the door like she had every right to.

She ran a hand through his hair, pressed her forehead to his. "I am not leaving you," she said fiercely. "We are not okay. But I am willing to fight for us. For this."

"I don't…" he was out of words. Out of ways to express his sorrow and regret.

"I know." She threaded her fingers through his and leaned forward to kiss him. "Please, just come back to bed."

He lay beside her and she pulled his arm around her shoulders, needing to touch him, to have some tangible proof that he was still with her. "We're worth it Deeks," she whispered. "You just have to believe it."

A/N: Leave your love in the reviews!