A/N: Wow, it's been a long time since I updated this one. Sorry... Some friends and I have a massive self-insert AU we're working on together that's sort of become my baby. I'll try not to forget about this one for so long again... Gomen...

"Yuki-nee... Where are Ace-nii's pants?"

That certainly wasn't what Ace expected to hear as he was waking up in the morning. Yes, his crew had partied hard the night before, but surely not that hard. Then again, he did appear to be draped over a barrel with one hand resting in a bowl of ranch dip. Screw being normal; in his last life he'd been able to burn off the alcohol in his system with the Mera-Mera no Mi. It had been years since he'd been able to get that drunk. Scraping his woolly tongue against his teeth, Ace decided that he needed to find a Devil Fruit stat.

Opening his eyes, Ace met the stares of his three female crew mates with a bleary gaze. "Morning..."

Mera squeaked and covered her eyes as he moved; Yuki flushed and looked away. Swinging her belaying pin threateningly, Calenthe scowled. "Lost Boy, you know I couldn't care less about what you get up too when the night gets cold. But if it leads to you sitting your naked ass on the deck of my Precious, we will have words."

"I swear this isn't what it looks like!" Ace jumped to his feet, which only made things worse. His towering blonde shipwright whipped out a sheet and had it wrapped around him faster than he could say One Piece, binding his limbs to his sides and protecting the innocent eyes aboard.

"OH REALLY?! BECAUSE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IS THAT YOU WERE SLEEPING ON DECK WITH NO CLOTHES ON! WHERE ANYONE COULD SEE YOU! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!" Calenthe rapped him over the head with her belaying pin- twice for good measure.

"Oww!" Ace ripped one arm free to rub his head. "Hey, I didn't plan this, alright? I swear I was wearing pants when I went to sleep."

"A likely story."

"I was!"

"THEN WHERE DID THEY GO DIPSHIT?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?" By now Ace and Calenthe were pressed nose to nose as they screamed at each other. Mera squeaked and hid behind Yuki. The commotion drew Davy and Indy from the men's cabin, as well as Aragorn from the crow's nest. Comoro appeared from somewhere in the vicinity of the head, only to immediately cling to Mera because of all the shouting. The fish-boy buried his face in his friend's shirt.

Ace immediately forced himself to calm down. If there was one thing he hated, it was scaring kids. "Sorry guys. I didn't mean to yell."

"BUT I DID! AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO UNTIL OUR IDIOT CAPTAIN GETS SOME BLOODY PANTS ON!"

"Yeah, yeah, just relax. I'm going." Somewhat hindered by the sheet wrapped around him, Ace made his way to the men's cabin. As usual, the place was a total mess. Davy was a klutz and Indy was a slob; between them the brothers had clothing and broken knick-knacks strewn everywhere. Tabbart actually refused to set foot in the place, preferring to sleep in a small cabin off the infirmary.

In all the mess, it wasn't surprising that Ace failed to immediately find a pair of pants- of his pants at least. When even a thorough search failed to turn up anything though, Ace grew concerned. He was sure he had more than one pair of pants. Borrowing some of Davy's black slacks, the reincarnated pirate made his way back out on deck. "Guys, I think we have a stowaway."

"What makes you think that?" Aragorn asked with a raised eyebrow. "Unlike the rest of you, I was on watch all night. I can guarantee that no ships of any size have approached us; there's no way a stowaway could've gotten here."

Everyone stared at the first mate, dumbstruck. "How were you able to stay awake after last night?" Yuki asked in awe. "Indy, Davy, and I were so far gone that we thought we were in Skypeia."

Aragorn shrugged. "My mother is a barkeeper and my father's the party-happy 'roaming emperor.' I inherited an amazing tolerance for alcohol."

Yuki whistled. "I wonder who'd win in a drinking contest- you or Aunt Nami."

Waving his arms, Ace brought attention back to the matter at hand. "Guys, focus. Someone got on our ship somehow and stole all my clothes. If we don't get them back soon, Calenthe's gonna brain me. We need ideas people!"

Slowly, Indy raised a hand. "I saw a ship last night. They didn't come close, but they were there for a while. Aragorn-aniki was in the head the whole time... Why were you in there so long anyway?"

"Because someone forgot I'm allergic to peppers." The first mate shot the cook a dirty look. Yuki giggled sheepishly.

"Sorry..."

A hollow thud sounded as Calenthe brought her belaying pin down on the gunner's head. "IF YOU SAW A SHIP COME THAT CLOSE LAST NIGHT, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?! WHAT IF THEY'D ATTACKED US?!"

"Oww..." Indy rubbed his bruised skull. "I didn't trust my eyes, alright? Like Yuki said, I was well past three sheets tot eh wind last night. Plus, it was such a weird ship... How was I supposed to know it was real?"

Weird ship... That could describe a lot of crews Ace knew of, both pirate and marine. "What did the ship look like?"

"Big, colourful... Figurehead looked like a smiling boy in a straw hat, there was a ram carved into the base of the mast, and the sails were obnoxiously green." Indy edged out of Calenthe's reach. This caused him to back into Tabbart, who had appeared out of nowhere. For such a big guy the doctor was absurdly quiet.

"Do you need me to look at those lumps Indy?"

"Eep! No, I'm alright. I've had worse."

The ship description was enough for Ace. He groaned, palm meeting face with a resounding smack. "Of course... Where's our den-den mushi? I've got an idiot to call."

"You know who the thief is Ace-nii?" Mera asked as she ran to get the snail. Ace nodded.

"Yeah... I can't believe he'd pull something like this though. At least, not to me. Dad maybe..." It took a moment for Ace to remember the number. While he'd spoken to Bartolomeo many times in the past it was usually the rooster-head calling the Straw Hats, not the other way around.

Puru-puru-puru-puru. Ka-clik! Ace didn't wait for the person on the other end to start speaking. "UNCLE BARTO, YOU ROOSTER-HAIRED SHIT! WHY THE HELL'D YOU TAKE MY PANTS?! YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW YOU NAUSEATING, BACK-STABBING SPIT-WEASEL!"

Ace hung up before Bartolomeo could answer. He knew the older pirate hadn't gone far; Barto's creepy obsession with all things Straw Hat wouldn't let him leave without seeing Ace's new crew. He was one of the allies who had been left out of the loop as far as Ace's reincarnation was concerned; the little pirate didn't want to know what the rooster-head would've done if he'd learned that the "adorable Acey-kun" he babysat once was also the same as the "great Portgas D Ace-sama" he practically worshipped. Not that it would've been bad. Bartolomeo was one of their more violent allies, yes, but he would never endanger another member of the fleet. No, the reason Ace didn't want to know how the rooster-head would react was because the man had no sense of dignity whatsoever. He would probably embarrass himself, and the fleet as a whole.

Sure enough, it wasn't long before the Going Luffy-Senpai appeared on the horizon. As soon as the larger ship pulled up alongside, Ace leapt up on the rail of the Rebellion to better scream at the barrier-wielding menace. Bartolomeo was snickering as he looked down at the Spades.

"Nice crew you've got Acey-kun, but they could use a little work dabe. Last night was a test to see if they're worthy of becoming part of Luffy-senpai's armada. They all failed!"

"We're not joining Dad's armada Rooster-Face! I'm gonna have my own adventures and when I'm strong enough, I'll beat Dad and become the next king of the pirates!"

Bartolomeo jumped down to pat Ace on the head. "Keep telling yourself that Acey-kun. No man alive can beat Luffy-senpai, not even his own son dabe."

"His big brother can..." Ace pouted, crossing his arms. Bartolomeo shook his head.

"Hehahahaha! No, not even Sabo-sama can beat Luffy-senpai anymore! You should've been there; it was just a few days ago. Sabo-sama was so proud and confused at the same time dabe. It was beautiful."

Ace was struck dumb, his jaw dropping to the deck. He'd never imagined the day when he'd see Luffy beat him or Sabo... and now he'd missed it? That was totally not fair! Before he could gather his wits however, one of his crew mates introduced themselves to Bartolomeo in a most memorable way. That is to say, Calenthe's belaying pin met Bartolomeo's crotch. The rooster-haired pirate went down like a tree.

"YOU SCABBY-ARSED BLADDER-SUCKING COCKROACH! WHAT ON THE SEVEN SEAS MADE YOU DECIDE TO STEAL OUR CAPTAIN'S PANTS?! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO USE YOU FOR CHUM WHEN YUKI AND I GO FISHING TOMORROW!"

Bartolomeo just groaned. It was left to his first mate- beehive-haired Gambia the Missionary- to explain. "The boss just wanted to see Acey-kun off at the start of his journey. We couldn't make it on time to meet you in Loguetown though... Almost got caught in a whirlpool, and it took a while for us to figure out how to get away. Man, I miss being able to call Granny for advice..."

As he often did when thinking about his recently-deceased grandmother, Gambia began to sniffle. He turned away to hide his tears- it was an unspoken but heavily enforced rule of the Barto Club that they never let one of Luffy-senpai's family or core crew see them cry. Although that often resulted in Bartolomeo and other members talking to furniture rather than Luffy himself...

Ace rubbed his head and sighed. "I don't care why you did it, just give me my pants back before my shipwright brains us all."

"Sure thing Acey-kun." Gambia motioned to one of the other members of the thuggish crew. They brought Ace's clothing forward almost reverently. The stack of fabric was folded more neatly than anything anyone on Ace's crew could do- from all their years taking advice from Gambia's grandmother, the Barto Club had excellent housekeeping skills. Ace eyed Indy as he took his clothes back, wondering if he should send his gunner to Bartolomeo for training.

"So... Did you guys have anything in particular in mind, or were you just coming to see me?"

Bartolomeo was immediately on his feet again, though still wincing in pain with every motion. "Can't stay, dabe. Sorry. But cause of that whirlpool Gambia mentioned we're already late for a date with a Tenryuubito ship we've been planning to hit. Gotta get going if we wanna catch em dabe." The rooster-haired pirate jumped back to his own ship before turning to look at Ace. "Oh... There's a pretty huge-ass sea king just moved in around the next island dabe. I don't have time to deal with him either, so be careful Acey-kun."

Grinning, Ace swept his hat off his head in a mocking imitation of one of Sabo's gentlemanly bows. "Careful? I'm always careful Uncle Barto; it's practically my middle name."

"Hehahaha! That sure ain't what D stands for! I've sailed with Luffy-senpai enough to know dabe!"

It wasn't long before the Going Luffy-Senpai dissappeared over the horizon once more. As soon as the Barto Club was out of earshot, Ace's crew sweatdropped. Calenthe shook her head. "You've got some strange friends Lost Boy."

"Oh, hello pot, I'm kettle." Ace supposed he should've expected the belaying pin to the head for that comment. Ah well, worth it.