Penny For Your Thoughts

Summary: Tony reflects on a lot of things, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Obie, Shield, the Avengers. All of it. And what he wouldn't give just for someone to understand. Rated M for cursing and train of thoughts.

Warning(s): THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE/SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. MAY CAUSE TRIGGERS PLS DON'T READ IF YOU THINK IT MAY BE A TRIGGER FOR YOU!

Character(s): Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Obie, Fury, Shield, All the Avengers, ETC.

I DO NOT OWN THE AVENGERS OR ANYTHING OF MARVEL REALLY.

This is what happens when I'm bored but don't want to get started on my homework just yet.

They don't know.

What don't they know? Everything really. they don't know him, they don't know how he doesn't always stay down in the lab as a way of avoiding sleep or society in general. They don't know that he doesn't mean to forget to eat or keep up to date with his hygine, he just forgets sometimes. Is that really so hard to believe? He doesn't drink because he wants to drink, he drinks because it's one of the only ways he can actually relax. The alcohol helps, it helps slow down his brain and it's never ending train of thoughts that just doesn't seem to want to SHUT OFF so he can actually have a moments peace, or finally get some damn rest. But no, funny how his own body hates him, it's like every minute of everyday he has a new idea come along or some form of curiousity that won't yeild until he quenches his thirst.

They don't understand.

He thought Pepper understood. But there was only so much she could know or even comprehend about him. He thought Happy and Rhodey understood, but they too, like Pepper, couldn't know everything about him. They'd get frusturated. He's still wondering how much longer they're going to force themselves to put up with him before they finally have had enough and leave him. He can't count on any of the Avengers to understand. Should he even bother to hope that Clint and Natasha would understand? Should he trust them? Or even Coulson for that matter? Hell no. They were Sheild. He can't trust them. There's Thor' but he hasn't really talked to him or even been in a room longer than 30 minutes with him except during that alien invaision. Thor wouldn't understand. There's Bruce, he trusts him and he knows Bruce would understand to a certain point just like Peps, Rhodey and Happy, but he couldn't bother Bruce with something as stupid as wanting someone to understand. Bruce had enough weight on his shouklders, he didn't need Tony's added to that. Don't even get him started on Capsicle. There's no way Captain America would ever understand. There isn't really a need to even explain why Rogers couldn't ever begin to understand him.

He thought Obie actually understood what he went through. But he knows better now, Obie didn't know jack shit. He only pretended to know, he pretended to understand, all to gain his trust until he could off him and gain control of the company.

Some things he just couldn't put into words, and he would be there, mentally screaming, begging for someone to understand. Someone to help save him from himself. A total of 27 times he's tried killing himself. NOTHING WORKS. No matter how many times, or how creative he got, he'd never just die the closest he's gotten was a overdosage on crack, but the damn paramedics just had to bring him back three minutes later. Was this all the future held for him? Suffering alive and being rejected by Death on multiple occasions? It'd be easier for everyone if he just died already. He was so damn close with the whole paladium poisioning, but than he had to go and fucking save himself because, damnit Pepper needed him. He loves her, sometimes so much it hurt, and he couldn't just go die and leave her alone with SI when it wasn't at 100%. Than enemies just started popping up left and right, he couldn't die with them still breathing. They could've hurt everyone he cared about if he didn't stay to protect them. He wonders if it's worth it. Maybe he can build something to protect them all for him and he could finally put himself at peace, but he hesitates. He doesn't even know why he's hesitating, he'd finally be able to leave, to stop his suffering. But than Fury, that one-eyed bastard, makes the Avengers and surprisingly Coulson, the totally not dead Coulson, move into the Tower. And when he wakes up to some new mess made by either Clint and Natasha's sparring or Thor and Steve, when did he become Steve, breaking A LOT of his technology, or Coulson's paperwork spilling over onto the tables or the floor, he keeps finding himself hesitating. When he sits at the kitchen table as Bruce and Steve make food for everyone or when they're all sitting together laughing, and grinning like absolute idiots, he can't help but think;

Maybe it is worth it.

Maybe he'll hang on.

Maybe, this time, he'll wait for death to come to him instead of the other way around.

And maybe... maybe the Avengers are earth's mightest hero's. He knows they're certainly his.