A/N: I won't lie: the best part of this entire stupid chapter was writing Ed's arguments with Al and Winry. Otherwise I'm feeling pretty meh about this opening, but especially about the end of the chapter. Oh well. Onwards!

Chapter title courtesy of The Rescues.

P.S. if ya'll haven't been reading the side stories (under Weird and Getting Weirder), I added like…four-ish new ones. The latest one is about how Roy and Ed got together. :)

Warnings: Canon-typical violence, which is to say: Winry and Ed collide.

Disclaimer: I only own my dreams. (That's a lie. The US government owns those.)

Summary: Harry is getting ready to return for his second year at Hogwarts, but things start to go wrong before he even leaves for England. Between crazed house elves, ridiculous Gryffindors, and a startlingly incompetent (and creepy) teacher, he's starting to wish he'd just stayed home.

Chapter One: Crazy Ever After

Harry bounced excitedly on his heels as the announcement for Draco's train was called over the system. His dad had a tight grip on collar of Harry's shirt, probably afraid Harry would run off if he didn't keep hold of him, but Harry didn't really mind. He hadn't heard from Draco all summer, though his dad had received a letter from Lucius saying when to expect them, so he was anxious to see his friend again. He hoped Draco hadn't decided they couldn't be friends anymore because Harry was so close to people Lucius wanted him to hate.

"Ah, there they are," Roy said just as Harry caught sight of the Malfoys himself. Draco was walking in between his parents, not holding either of their hands, and he was looking a bit nervous. Their trunks floated along behind them, which garnered them a few curious looks from passersby. Harry suspected some of them were muttering to each other nasty things about show-offs or foreigners, but if any of the Malfoys noticed they didn't make any acknowledgement of it.

"Good afternoon, General Mustang, Mr. Potter," Lucius said as he approached them, holding out one hand to shake Roy's. Roy shook it, smiling, then gestured to the cars behind him.

"I know you're not accustomed to traveling by car, Lucius, but I'm afraid Amestris has never established the extensive Floo network England has." He smiled wanly and nodded to Havoc and Fuery behind him. "My men can take your bags if you'd like to get in."

Lucius gave the two soldiers an imperious look, but nodded agreeably and led Narcissa and Draco over to the first car, where Hawkeye was standing at attention. Draco gave Harry an annoyed look as he passed, and Harry frowned as he tried to figure out why Draco would be upset with him. Hawkeye opened the door for Lucius and held out a hand to help Narcissa duck into the car.

"Gees, what a snob," Havoc muttered as he carefully floated one of the trunks into the boot of the car. Roy coughed into his hand to hide a laugh.

"The Malfoys are an old wizarding family," Fuery explained, adjusting his glasses with his off hand. "Very old, and very dark. They're probably not fond of Amestris, not with our closeness with Muggles."

"He could still be less of a dick," Havoc said.

"Lieutenant," Roy said in a warning tone.

"Sorry, chief," Havoc said instantly. "Just calling it like I see it."

"Please don't say anything to offend him," Roy sighed. "He's my only contact in the English Ministry right now, and I'd like him to remain friendly at least until I've found another one."

Harry frowned up at his dad, but Roy just fluffed his hair a little instead of explaining. Once the three trunks were securely in the car, Roy guided Harry over, while Havoc and Fuery got into the car behind them. Harry knew they would follow behind Roy's car in case something went wrong, but he wasn't sure why they expected anybody to attack the Malfoys. Especially not when the Flame Alchemist was in the car with them.

"I understand we'll be staying at your house, General?" Lucius asked curiously.

"Strangely, the military strangely looks down on us using their funds for personal reasons," Roy replied dryly. "I'm afraid we only have the one spare room, so Draco will have to share with Harry. It may be a tight fight with the six of us, but I hope it will prove satisfactory for the week."

Lucius frowned as if he didn't actually agree with Roy's assessment, but Narcissa put a gentle hand on his leg and he turned to the window without saying anything.

"It will be fine," Narcissa said for him. "Draco is accustomed to rooming with Harry by now anyway, so I'm sure he won't find it too unbearable."

Harry looked over at Draco, who had his arms crossed and was looking down at his knees, and wondered if she wasn't being a little too optimistic.

The rest of the ride home was uncomfortably silent, but thankfully it wasn't long. Harry tried not to jump out of the car as soon as it stopped, waiting impatiently for Hawkeye to open the door for them before he scrambled over his dad's legs and climbed out first. Hawkeye raised her eyebrows at him, so he stuck his tongue out at her as he heard his dad sigh behind him. Harry fidgeted as Roy climbed out of the car next and gave him a short glare, before turning to help Narcissa out of the car himself. Harry made a face at his back, and Narcissa hid a smile behind her hand.

"Harry," Roy said flatly without turning around, which meant Harry would be in trouble if he tried anything else. How did he always know everything?

"Sorry, dad," Harry muttered unhappily.

"Tough luck, kid," Havoc whispered to him as he passed by with some of the Malfoys' luggage. Harry would have made a face at him too if he thought he'd get away with it.

Havoc left the front door open behind him as he went inside, so as Harry approached the house beside his dad, he could hear the screaming argument that was coming from the den. Lucius's eyebrow raised curiously and Draco stopped looking upset long enough to give Harry a nervous look, but Roy and Harry weren't fazed.

"I see Miss Rockbell has arrived," Roy said, then to the Malfoys he added, "she's a close childhood friend of Ed and his brother. Unfortunately, she and Ed have a tendency to clash a bit."

"'A bit?'" Lucius repeated somewhat sardonically, just as they heard something made of glass crack, followed by a loud thunk.

"Dad, can I go say hi to Winry?" Harry asked hopefully, and when Roy gave him an unimpressed look he added a bright grin to it. Roy snorted, but nodded him forward with a stern warning not to get in Winry's way. As if Harry needed to be told that.

He quickly kicked off his shoes in the entryway, knowing his dad would be upset if he didn't, and ducked into the den. Then he ducked a bit more literally as one of Winry's wrenches, having been thrown at Ed's head, missed its mark entirely and clattered against the doorframe instead.

"Hi, Miss Winry!" Harry called, picking the wrench up and waving it at her.

"For fuck's sake, Win, can you watch where you're throwing that damn thing?" Ed snarled, stomping over to Harry and taking the wrench from him.

"He wasn't there when I threw it, and you know that!" Winry shouted back, waving an even bigger wrench in the air. "And I was aiming for your big head anyway!"

"If it's so big, then how come you couldn't hit it?" Ed mocked back, because seeing Winry always made him lose his maturity.

"Children," Roy said dryly as he entered the room with the Malfoys on his heels. Ed gave him the finger without turning around, but Winry blushed a little and tucked some hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you had guests," she said contritely, with a glare aimed at Ed.

"I fucking told you about them, don't act like I didn't!" Ed snapped, now waving Winry's wrench around. "It was the whole fucking reason this argument started, because I didn't want you working on my arm while they were here!"

"Well, I thought you were just making up an excuse to put it off!" Winry snapped back, putting her hands on her hips. "It wouldn't be the first time you lied to get out of a check-up! How was I supposed to know you actually meant it?"

"Why the fuck would I make up friends from England, Winry?"

"As entertaining as this is," Roy said as Winry and Ed glared at each other across the room, "I would appreciate it if you could put the argument off until a later time. And preferably not have it in my den, or anywhere else where you may break something irreparable, like my son's head."

"Then maybe you can convince him to let me look him over," Winry said irritably. "I don't care if you're only traveling for your honeymoon, I don't trust this idiot to keep himself out of trouble! I'm not going to have time to fix anything after the ceremony, so I would like to get it done tonight."

"It's fine!" Ed snapped impatiently. "If there was something wrong with it, I'd have told you about it, you know I would've. I'm not as bad as I used to be! And it's not like I do anything that's gonna break it any more anyway."

"So you've been saying," Winry said darkly, "but you managed to break it last year, and the year before that you nearly melted it."

Ed blushed a little, crossing his arms and muttering something.

"Perhaps you should let her look at it, Ed," Roy said in his most conciliatory tones, walking over to his fiancé and running his hands down Ed's upper arms. Ed scowled, but leaned back into him a little, which meant he was at least listening. "You know she's just going to worry about you if you don't."

"Ugh, please stop getting your sap all over my favorite wrench," Winry moaned.

"My apologies, Miss Rockbell," Roy said, straightening up and stepping away from Ed. Harry looked between all of them curiously. He knew there was some sort of tension between Winry and his dad, but he'd never found out what it was; any time he asked Ed, he'd just get a sad smile in return.

Ed grumbled a little, glaring balefully at Roy for a long moment, and then suddenly stomped his way over to Winry. Thrusting her wrench back into her hands, he muttered, "C'mon, let's just get it the fuck over with. But I'm not taking off my pants!"

Narcissa let out a surprised giggle behind her hand that had Ed blushing again before he very pointedly pulled the glove off his right hand. Draco and Narcissa gasped in surprise, but Lucius just eyed Ed's false hand curiously from across the room.

"And I believe that is my cue to show you to your rooms," Roy said smoothly, stepping into their view and ushering them all toward the stairs. "Harry, come with us and show Draco your room, please."

"Yes, sir," Harry replied a little reluctantly. He was never allowed to see Winry work on Ed's automail, which was disappointing, but he kind of understood why. Even if the mechanics were fascinating, it was supposed to be extremely painful to attach and use.

"Has he had his prosthetics long?" Narcissa asked as they climbed the stairs.

"Just under a decade now," Roy answered, giving Narcissa a sympathetic smile when she looked appalled. "I met him not long after he'd lost his arm and leg. It was…not a pleasant night."

Which Harry understood was actually putting it lightly. Ed had explained, a little reluctantly, that it had been his own stupid fault that he'd lost his limbs, because he'd been using alchemy he shouldn't have been. Apparently Al had nearly died, too, which meant that either he'd been too close to the array went it went off, or he'd actually been helping to power it. The idea that there was an array so powerful that the Elric brothers together couldn't control it absolutely terrified Harry, which had probably been the point of the story, but it only made him more determined to learn alchemy for himself. Even if he was never as great as his dad or Ed, at least he'd be able to recognize an array that would kill him.

"It must have been terrifying," Narcissa said with a little shudder, "to have lost two limbs so young, and then to have gotten those metal limbs attached. They don't look like any magical prosthetics I've ever seen."

"That's because the technology behind them is completely Muggle," Roy said blandly into Narcissa and Lucius's unimpressed faces. Tapping lightly at his left eye, he added, "My eye was created based on that technology, with some magical upgrades. In fact, Edward and Miss Rockbell worked together to create it themselves, using already existing magical eyes as a base."

"That sounds like quite the task," Lucius said, though he didn't sound as impressed as Harry thought he should have. "Your Miss Rockbell, she's—"

"A Muggleborn witch, as far as I know," Roy shrugged. He had to have known that the Malfoys wouldn't like that answer, but he said it as casually as he would have to any Amestrian who'd been rude enough to ask.

"Anyway, this is your room," he continued to Lucius and Narcissa, opening the door to the spare bedroom. "Don't mind the bookshelves; Alphonse, Ed's brother, stayed with us for a few years when he first went to school. Havoc and Fuery should have left your trunks by the bed, if they remembered which one belongs to whom properly. Harry, why don't you take Draco down to your room now and get him situated?"

"Yes, sir," Harry said obediently, and led Draco down to the end of the hall. Draco stayed stubbornly silent, not even thanking Roy. Once Harry had let Draco into his room, he closed the door behind them and crossed his arms, scowling at his friend. Draco glared back. "Okay, what are you so mad at me about?"

"How can you ask me that?" Draco snapped back. "You haven't answered any of my letters all summer, or Blaise's, or Pansy's!"

Harry frowned in confusion. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "I haven't gotten any letters at all this summer, even when I sent Hedwig to you!"

Now Draco was looking confused. "Hedwig never came to the manor," he said. "The elves know to take letters to whoever they're addressed to right away, and they only brought me stuff from the others. Even when father takes my letters himself, he always tells me and lets me know why, and he would've mentioned one from you."

"But if you didn't get my letter, and Hedwig didn't bring it back to me, then who got it?" Harry asked. Draco just shrugged in response, still looking a little sulky.

"…You really didn't get any of my letters?" he asked eventually.

"'Course I didn't," Harry snapped back. "Why would I lie about something like that? If I just hadn't wanted to talk to you, I'd have told you!"

Draco finally gave Harry an uncertain smile, backing up onto one of the beds—Harry's bed, of course. He bounced on the mattress experimentally, then fell onto his back and spread his arms out across it.

"Hey, this is a pretty nice bed," he said.

"Yeah, that's my bed," Harry pointed out. "Yours is over there, you know, where your trunk is."

"Nah, I think I'll just sleep here," Draco said flippantly, wriggling a little as if to make himself more comfortable. Harry raised his eyebrows at him in disbelief, wondering how his friend could go from sulky to casually annoying so quickly. "I like this one better."

Harry sighed noisily, which made Draco grin at the ceiling, then took two quick steps forward, bent down to grab Draco's ankle, and yanked the other boy right off the bed. Draco made the most ridiculous noise of pain and surprise, gawking at him as if he couldn't believe Harry had just done that.

"Ed's been teaching me how to fight," Harry said blandly. "And he fights dirty."

Draco stared at him a moment longer, until Harry's lips twitched up in the smile he'd been trying to hold back. Then they were both laughing, probably more than was warranted, and Harry sank down onto the ground beside his friend so they could talk until Roy came to fetch them.

xxxxx

The wedding itself happened two days later. Everyone was up earlier than they would have liked, because it was the only way to make sure they all had time to take showers and get dressed. Harry was so nervous he had to have Draco do up his tie for him, but strangely Roy and Ed didn't seem concerned at all.

"We bought you that suit for a reason, brother!" Al yelled from downstairs, where Ed was getting ready in the den. Al had showed up early enough to make everyone breakfast and herd them through a surprisingly efficient shower schedule, but Harry strongly suspected he'd come over just to make sure Ed was properly dressed. "You can't wear those—no, I don't care how comfortable they are—brother, be reasonable! Nobody is going to let a chimera loose at your wedding!" The yelling subsided for a while as they heard several things shattering, then two loud thunks, followed by an even louder crash and the entire house shaking. "Edward Elric! If you manage to show up in leather pants, I will personally carry you out of your own wedding and dress you myself!"

"Merlin," Draco said, paused halfway into tugging Harry's tie around his throat. "Is it always like this here?"

"Well, Al doesn't usually yell so loudly," Harry said. "Draco, my tie?"

When the two of them finally made it downstairs, they made a beeline for the kitchen where Harry knew a never-empty pot of tea sat on the stove for the British wizards. Roy was already sitting at the table, wearing his dress uniform with his hair slicked back, and was calmly sipping at a mug of coffee while he read the newspaper. Lucius and Narcissa were sitting with him, but were noticeably less calm as they heard even more interesting noises coming from the den.

"Good morning, Harry," Roy greeted warmly, and there was a huge smile on his face that he didn't seem inclined to wipe off. "Did you have breakfast yet?"

"Yeah, Al fed us before he started fighting with Ed," Harry said casually, grabbing two teacups and preparing tea for himself and Draco. He climbed up onto the chair next to his dad, peering over his shoulder at the newspaper he was reading, but lost interest when he realized it wasn't the Daily Prophet.

There was some more yelling from the den, but it sounded like it was in Xingian this time. Harry couldn't understand a word of it, but apparently his dad could, because his brow furrowed as he listened.

"Well, at least you don't know what he's saying," Roy muttered to himself. Now Harry really wished Ed had taught him the language.

Finally, the argument seemed came to an end, and there was the distinct feel of alchemy in the air as the Elrics probably fixed everything they'd broken, and then Al and Ed strolled into the kitchen with unapologetic smiles on their faces. Roy made a show of pulling out his pocket watch and checking the time.

"Amazing," he said. "It looks like you aren't going to make us late to our own wedding after all."

"Shut up," Ed said fondly, grin widening as he leaned on Roy and stole his coffee. Roy sighed, but didn't protest, probably because he was too busy admiring Ed in the suit Al had actually managed to force him into. "Al thinks you'd be disappointed if I showed up in my leather pants, but—"

"Well, they would rather defeat the purpose of the military wedding," Roy interrupted pointedly, which Harry was incredibly grateful for. He never wanted to know what Ed was actually going to say.

Ed pouted at him, but it disappeared when Roy pulled him down into a kiss. Harry groaned and buried his face in his hands.

"Shouldn't you two save that for the ceremony?" Al asked blandly, because he was disturbingly casual about seeing his older brother kiss Harry's dad.

"Mmm, yes, you're probably right," Roy murmured, pulling away from Ed and trying to tuck Ed's bangs behind his ears. They popped right back into place, as ornery as their owner.

Al clapped his hands once, smiled brightly at the table, and asked, "Is everyone ready to go? Your rides should be here any moment." The doorbell rang at the end of his sentence, as if Al had timed it that way on purpose.

They all trooped out to the cars, surprisingly orderly, and Hawkeye greeted them at the door with a smile. Roy and Ed followed her to the car they were taking, holding hands and leaning into each other, and Harry, the Malfoys, and Al all squeezed into Havoc's car.

"Is it always this much of a madhouse?" Lucius asked distastefully as Havoc closed the door behind him.

Al snorted. "You don't know the half of it," he said.

The ride to the gardens Roy and Ed were getting married in took significantly longer than the ride from the train station had, but this time Draco was talking to Harry, so he didn't mind. Alphonse spoke quietly with Lucius and Narcissa, half getting to know them, and half warning them what to expect at the reception.

When they finally made it there, Harry and Al had to separate from the Malfoys because they were both part of the wedding. Harry nervously darted to the front of the walkway, where Uncle Maes was grinning at them and holding the rings for Harry to give to the grooms.

"You look nervous," Maes said quietly to Harry, his warm hand on Harry's shoulder steering him into place. Harry nodded, afraid his voice would stutter if he tried to talk. "I'll bet you're worse than Roy and Ed are."

Harry couldn't stop himself from giggling due to his nerves, which had Maes grinning widely. He clapped a hand on either of Harry's shoulders, kissed him on the forehead, and then moved into his place in front of Hawkeye. Hawkeye gave Harry a reassuring smile of her own, then glared at Havoc behind her, who was fidgeting a little.

On the other side of the podium, Al and Winry were standing next to each other and talking softly, with their quiet friend Rose smiling as she listened in.

All the talking stopped suddenly when the music announcing what would normally have been a bridal party started. Elicia came down the long walkway, scattering flower petals as she went and grinning brightly at the crowd admiring her. (Ed had been dead set against having a flower girl at first, but he'd been overruled succinctly by Elicia herself, who'd announced that "it wasn't a real wedding without a flower girl, big brother!")

While she walked almost agonizingly slowly up the aisle, Harry took that moment to look around at the guests. There were quite a few people he didn't know, most of whom he assumed were from Ed and Al's travels while Ed was in the military. One blond man who looked about Ed's age was rolling his eyes at the ceremony, until what looked like his little brother gave him a sharp poke and a glare. Madame Christmas was sitting in the front row and smiling like she was in on a joke that everybody else had missed out on, but as that was her normal expression, Harry didn't think much of it. Sig was in the bench on the other side of the aisle from her, looking like he didn't quite know how to feel—which Harry couldn't blame him for, since he'd seemed much less happy since Izumi had died before Ed had turned eighteen. Granny Pinako was sitting next to him, though, and patting him consolingly on the elbow (the only part of him she could comfortably reach).

Harry tore his attention away from them when he noticed Elicia finally reach the podium and take her place across from him. Harry made a face at her to make her giggle (some of the audience laughed as well), and then the music changed again and Harry looked out to the end of the aisle with a grin. His dad and Ed, walking slowly up the aisle together to something that definitely wasn't "Here Comes the Bride", were smiling more brightly than Harry had ever seen, and neither one of them seemed inclined to admire the guests like Harry had been doing. They were clearly distracted by each other, barely even looking up at the podium they were heading towards, but somehow they made it to the front without tripping over themselves.

As the music died away, they climbed onto the podium together, then turned to face each other with their hands entwined. Ed, even though he clearly hadn't been taking the ceremony seriously earlier, didn't even glance away from Roy's face once.

Harry tried to listen to the ceremony, he really did, but most of it was way too boring to pay attention to. Madame Christmas and Granny Pinako both came to the front to make some sort of sappy speeches (Harry was pretty sure that had been his dad's idea entirely), then the officiant walked them through their vows (Harry knew his dad had wanted to write his own, but Ed wasn't having it). Harry, only half paying attention, nearly jumped when he heard his cue to present the rings.

Fighting down a blush, he stepped forward to give Roy and Ed their rings. They both smiled down at him, clearly well aware that Harry had zoned out somewhere around "Dearly beloved", but didn't say anything as they took their rings from him.

Harry paid more attention now that the ceremony was almost over, mostly just thankful that he'd be able to get off the podium soon, and so he knew exactly when to look away as Roy pulled his new husband into a kiss that lasted entirely too long. He looked over at Roy's groomsmen instead.

He wasn't at all surprised to see Uncle Maes crying enthusiastically, but he bit his lip on a smile when he noticed Havoc was crying too, looking a little starry eyed. Even Hawkeye was primly dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, though she was notably more put together than her coworker was. Harry couldn't help looking toward the guests in search of the rest of Roy's team, and wasn't disappointed; Fuery was outright sobbing, Breda was wiping tears off his cheeks, and Falman was blinking rapidly to keep his tears in.

Harry really hoped somebody got a picture of all of them, because he just knew neither his dad nor Ed would ever let them live this down.

A/N: Fair warning: the next chapter goes straight into canon events, because I'm feeling strangely uninspired to write more of the summer. So this is all the time we're going to get with Draco in Amestris, and next chapter we get to meet Dobby…among other things.