Heeeeeeeere's Johnny! What's up losers? Deadpool here, taking over writing duties from "The Layman"- ...Seriously, a pseudonym that means "average shmuck"? LAAAAAAAAME! It should be something cool, like "Merc with a Mouth", or "The Regenerating Degenerate", or "Ninja Spiderman". Or "[censor]mothering Vampire"! That's a good one- Wait, what the [censor] was that? There it was again! Hang on, lemme check something here- Aw, censor bars?! This guy uses censor bars when he writes? Wow, I could not have slapped him with a rubber chicken and stuffed him in a closet full of old unitards fast enough!
But enough about my Saturday nights, let's get to the reason why you basement dwelling nerds are here in the first place; because you have no lives and you get off on something that isn't the real thing! In other words, Fanfiction!
OK, so if I'm understanding this canned example I'm currently looking at, I'm supposed to say that I don't own this crap and that RWBY is owned by Rooster Teeth. ...I don't know what that first thing is, but Rooster Teeth are [censor]ing awesome! I love Red vs. Blue; Caboose just slays me! But enough about my Saturday afternoons, now comes the part where we do some cool looking page break that's absurdly simple in reality, after which we'll jump right into the actio-
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Deadpool landed in the middle of a thick forest, making a small crater in the process.
"Really? You cut me off mid word?!" he cried to the heavens, arms outstretched in protest. "Not cool, man, not cool." As he picked himself out of the Deadpool shaped indentation he looked around at the woods, taking in the tranquil setting. Birds chirped in the trees, and the midday sun streamed through the branches. It was a idyllic scene, straight out of a Thomas Kinkaid painting.
The slavering, hulking, bear-like monsters did little to dispel that image.
"Do you guys mind?" he asked the shadowy beasts, "I'm trying to appreciate the beauty of nature here! Go slaver over someone else's pick-in-ick basket!" And indeed, Deadpool was now sitting on a red and white checkered blanket, with a veritable feast spread out on it that he was tucking into heartily. He glanced over to them, "...I'm not sharing."
The monsters didn't take kindly to this (not that they could actually understand him anyway) and rushed towards him, intent on ripping him limb from limb.
"Never fails...," he sighed, whipping out a pair of automatic shotguns from thin air, "the phone rings as soon as I sit down to eat." He then proceeded to unload all of the ammo at the bear-like monsters, screaming "EAT BLAZING DOORKNOBS OF DEATH, BANANAFACE!" as the hot lead riddled the creatures. Eventually he stopped, blowing the smoke from the barrels. The monsters stood still for a minute, then they fell overs, slowly dissolving into the wind.
"Welp, that takes care of that!" He tossed the guns away and grabbed a chimichanga from the spread before scooping the blanket up, tying the corners around a stick (it got inexplicably smaller in the process) and slinging it over his shoulder. He took a bite from the faux-Latin treat, "Mow to fing out where the girlv are!"
No sooner had he muffledly declared that when a sexy redheaded chick dressed like a Spartan warrior ran past, followed closely by a huge ass scorpion monster trying to spear her with its tail. She quickly turned around and shot at the hulking carapace with what looked like a highly modified elephant gun. The shots all bounced harmlessly off its exoskeleton, prompting the creature to swipe at the girl with its massive claws. She barely dodged, and continued running away.
"...well, that was fast," he remarked. He quickly teleported ahead of the girl and leaned casually against a tree, now wearing a fine looking smoking jacket and holding a pipe in one hand and a bottle of Dos Equis in the other.
"You know...," he said as the girl tumbled through the brush in front of him, "I don't normally hang around the woods fighting monsters while looking for chicks. But when I do, I know that the best way to kill a Scorpion is with [censorING ROCKET LAUNCHER!" He pulled said rocket launcher out from nowhere (much to the flabbergasted amazement of the girl) and aimed it where the slavering monstrosity was going to appear. He turned to the readers, "Geddit? It's a Halo reference! Cause Rooster Teeth loves Halo!"
"Wh-...what?" she wondered, unable to make sense out of, well... everything that had just happened in the last ten seconds.
"Fire in the hole!" He fired a rocket just as the scorpion monster emerged from the brush, hitting it dead square in what constituted for its face in an explosion of fire and heat. "And that," he said, sticking a cigar into his mouth, "is how you take out a scorpion!" He took out a lighter and lit the cigar, taking a long, satisfied drag. He turned to the 300 cosplayer, "So was it good for you too, babe?"
The "babe" just stared at him, her brain having trouble going to words.
"The name's Wade Wilson," he said when it was clear that the girl wasn't going to praise him on his brilliant rescue, "but you can call me Ninja Spiderman! Or Deadpool, because I'm not an angst ridden teenager from New York who blames himself for everything bad that happens in the world and can't keep a steady girlfriend without her dying on him. Now me on the other hand, I've had millions on girlfriends! In fact, I'm currently in an on again, off again relationship with that h-h-h-h-h-hawty Death. Sweet kid, you'd probably like her." He knelt down in front of her. "By the way," he asked, "how do you get your eyes to do that pencil scratchy thing? I mean, I've watched my fair share of anime before- Hentai~! -but I haven't seen anything like that befo-"
He was interrupted when the scorpion monster decided not to be dead and backhanded him into a tree, spearing him through the chest on one of its branches.
"OK, first of all," he grunted, "not cool cutting me off mid word again! Second..." He took out one of his katanas and sliced the branch off the tree, falling a short ways to the ground, "Bow chika bow wow!" He then pulled the branch out of his chest with one swift tug, grunting in pain as his healing factor repaired the hole. "WOW that smarts!"
"Um," the girl stammered, her brain finally catching up to reality, "...doesn't that hurt?"
"Oh, like you wouldn't [censor]ing believe!" he said, before once again donning the smoking jacket from before, reclining next to the girl on the ground. "So...you come around these parts often?"
"No, I'm- Look out!" She shoved Deadpool back, leaping out of the way as the scorpion monster speared the ground with its tail. She then did something to her gun that caused it to transform ("OH MY GAWD I WANT ONE") into a lance. She threw it at the monster, the weapon lodging itself into the fractured carapace, a result of the rocket from before.
"Ooh! I know this one!" Deadpool reached behind his back and pulled out a wooden mallet that was almost as big as he was. He turned to the readers, "ACME Oversized Mallet (Trademarked)! Never leave home without it!" With a cry of "Eat your heart out, Gallagher!" he leaped into the air and brought the comically larger construction implement down on the giant black lobster, piercing its center ("Bow chika bow wow!") and killing it for real this time. "Ye-haw! I unalived you good that time; come back from that, bitch!" Then he drooped, "Yeah, it sounds stupid when I'm not in something with a TV-YA rating..."
"Ex...cuse you?" the girl said, confusion once again setting in now that the monster was dealt with.
"You know what I mean?" he asked her, once again ignore the blank look of confusion she gave him, "You try to act all cool and badass when you're pounding some mother[censor]er's head into the ground, but the network execs are all like 'this is a kid's show, you can't actually say "kill"; it'll send the wrong message' and other [censor] like that. It just grinds my gear, is what I'm saying."
"I...don't actually know what that's like," she said, after taking a moment to decipher the words coming out of the Merc with a Mouth's mouth. Unsure of how to actually approach the strange individual, she decided to just fall back on the basics. "I'm Pyrrha Nikos, by the way." She bowed at the waist, "Thank you for the assistance."
"Think nothing of it, fair maiden; I just did what any concerned citizen would do!" He then sidled up next to Pyrrha, shoulder to shoulder, waggling his eyebrows expectantly, "Sooooo...you single?"
Pyrrha shook her head, "No, I'm here with Jaune. He and I are- Oh no!" She quickly scaled a tree and shouted "Sorry!" into the distance.
"Not bad," commented Deadpool, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "but I don't see that catchphrase having a lot of staying power. You're better off with 'hello again~!' instead. Anyway, the name's Deadpool, but you can just read that whole spiel higher on the page because I don't feel like repeating it."
"Of...course," Pyrrha said eventually as Deadpool pointed upwards for some reason. Why he would do something like that baffled the young champion, another in a long line of things her brain needed time to process.
"Hey!" Deadpool shouted to the heavens, "I'm the main character in this fic; stop focusing so much on 'This is Sparta!' here!"
"It's been nice meeting you, Mr. Deadpool," she said, for once in her life not sure how to deal with the weirdo in front of her, "but I should really go look for my friend. You seen to be capable of surviving grievous injuries- ...very...grievous...injuries... Somehow... -so you should make it back to safety without too much trouble-"
"And leave you out here by yourself with all these nasty monsters around?" Deadpool knew what he had to do! Before she could protest, the Regenerating Degenerate grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close, turning once more to the readers. "To all those neckbeards who think Pyrrha is their 'waifu'," he said, "suck my three foot long schwanstucker!"
And with that he teleported.
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"Wait everyone, stop fighting!" Tucker yelled, as things descended into chaos, "It's all a lie: Blue is Red, Red is Blue! We're all the same!"
Unfortunately his cries of truth fell of deaf ears (or retarded ears, in Caboose's case) as the Reds, Blues, and Lopez's faction all began making gun noises and pretended to fire their weapons at each other, apparently forgetting that they had actual bullets in them.
Meanwhile, Tucker was struggling to come to terms with the new revelation. He wished Church were here. He was an ass, but he usually had some sort of idea what to do with crap hit the fan like this. Tucker usually just went with the flow, especially if it ended up pissing Church off. ...Or if it got him laid, Bow chika bow-
Suddenly a flash of light appeared in the middle of the chaos, startling everyone into stopping their pointless Cowboys and Indians knockoff.
"...What?" wondered Simmons.
"...The hell?" Griff shouted.
"¿...Que demonios?" Lopez intoned.
"...my goodness," Sheila gasped.
"Jinkies!" squealed Donut.
"Muffins!" exclaimed Caboose.
"What in the green eggs and Sam Hill is that?" asked Sarge.
Standing in the middle of the [not] battle was a man wearing a red and black patterned skin suit, holding a girl who looked about 17, who was dressed like a Roman centurion held at his side.
"There we go!" he said, "Now can introduce me to all your...little..." He looked around, noting all the power armor around him. "Whoops, wrong show! Um," he said, addressing everyone, "don't mind me, guys; just keep doing what you're doing!"
"Uh, OK," Simmons replied uncertainly. "...who are you again?"
"Just your friendly neighborhood Deadpool!" Deadpool said, getting ready to try teleporting again. "...By the way, Season 11 was hilarious! I don't care that it didn't have any of Monty's fight scenes in it, it was still funny!"
And with that, he teleported again.
There was an awkward silence that followed.
Then everyone started making the gun noises again, picking up right where they left off as though nothing had happened.
Just another typical day in Blood Gulch.
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When Deadpool and his passenger appeared it was in the same forest as before, only this time they were in a wide clearing with a ruined structure in the middle. There were a few trees scattered about, none of them near the structure. Standing next to the structure were a group of teenagers around Pyrrha's age: a hyperactive ginger girl, a brooding brunette with a bow, a stoic looking boy with pink highlights, a tiny girl wearing a red hood, and a blonde bombshell with beautiful, bouncing bazongas.
"WHOA, BABY!" the Merc with a Mouth exclaimed, dropping Pyrrha ("Oof!") and racing towards the blonde and kneeling reverently in front of her. "In all the series in all the world I am glad I walked into this one!" He then began prostrate on the ground, muttering a bunch of seemingly random numbers in a mantra-like fashion.
"Uh, Yang?" the red cloaked girl asked, "Do you know this guy?"
Yang shook her head, "Never seen him before in my life."
"How does he eat with that mask on?" the ginger girl wondered, little question marks floating over her head.
"Really?" Jackie Lee Fat deadpanned, turning towards Question Mark, "That's what you think weirdest thing about some random guy in red spandex suddenly appearing is?"
"And I though I knew some weirdos...," Broody muttered.
"So," Deadpool noted, getting up from his prostrating, "I guessing you're all the main characters of this little Internet show, right?"
"...what show?" Pyrrha asked, looking around the area, "Are we being filmed?"
"No one said anything to us about being filmed," said the broody one, also looking around for the cameras that were supposedly watching them.
"Hi Mom!" the ginger waved to the air.
"Oh, every week for about three or four months," he explained, holding up his smartphone for them to see, "See? You guys even have your own IMDb page! And no, I don't mean all the button cams your hot librarian teacher set up to spy on you..." He stopped abruptly, suddenly realizing what he just said. "Um, excuse me for a minute, everyone!" He then poofed away, leaving the kids standing baffled at what just transpired.
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Meanwhile, on the cliffs over the Emerald Forest...
Glynda was currently on the phone with the Vale authorities, trying to find out who the strange man in red spandex was.
"No, I'm not pulling anyone's leg!" she insisted, "I'm telling you, there's a man wearing a red and black spandex body suit, and he's harassing the new students! I need to know if there have been any escaped lunatics- He hung up on me!" She hung up her Scroll, seething, then she turned to Ozpin, stating "I'm going down there and dealing with that miscreant before any of the children in danger, whether by accident or design."
However, before either teacher could react, the man in red spandex suddenly appear between the two of them, sidled up to Glynda (possibly waggling his eyebrows, it was difficult to tell because of his mask) and firmly grabbed a hold of her butt, eliciting a squeak of surprise out of the woman.
"I'd just like to state, for the record," the man said to no one, looking at what appeared to be nothing, "...that this is totes worth it!"
After a moment of her mind trying to wrap itself around what was currently happening to her Glynda regained her wits, immediately stabbing him in the crotch with her riding crop. As he curled up into the fetal position, the teacher levitated a tree out of the ground and flung it at the man as hard as she could, smashing it into him and sending him flying back into the Emerald Forest.
"...Hmph, serves him right," she planted, her rage finally cooling. She smoothed out her clothes and readjusted her glasses.
"You know you just sent him back towards the new students," Ozpin pointed out.
"I highly doubt he survived that," she stated, pulling up her Scroll and keying in the camera feeds, "Now, let's see how Mr. Winchester and his friends are doing..."
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Deadpool crashed into the ground by the teens, his body twisted into something resembling the Gordian Knot.
"Still...totes...worth it!..." he strained, shakily raising his finger in the air.
"Are...you gonna be OK?" Red Riding Hood asked hesitantly.
"Oh yeah, totally!" said the Merc with a Mouth, suddenly back to his normal shape, "That's the beauty of having a healing factor, nothing every keeps me down for long. Except depression, that usually lays me out for a good week before the ice cream therapy kicks in!" He quickly turned to the readers, "Remember, kids, if you're feeling depressed, talk with a either a medical doctor or psychiatrist." Then he shouted to the sky, "There! I did the [censor]ing disclaimer! You happy now, you [censor] [censor]ing [censor] [censor]?" Then he looked back to the teens, "Oh hey, you're doing the scratchy eye thing again! ...I also remember there being fewer people." He turned back to the readers, "And it's 'fewer', not 'less', you illiterate mouthbreathers!"
Ignoring Deadpool's blatant insensitivity ("Hey!") there were indeed more people present than there were before. The new teens included a rather scraggly looking blond boy and an albino chick.
They were also doing the "scratchy, blank eyes" thing with the rest of their friends.
"Seriously, I need to learn how to do that one of these days! But, in the mean time..." He quickly whipped out a Kleenex and ripped it in twain, wadding the halves up and sticking them up his nostrils. "If anime has taught me anything, it's that this is necessary for what I'm about to do." He then hunched forward, put his arms out in front of him, and waggled his eyebrows in as creepy a manner possible as he began to creep forward.
Then contact was made.
Namely, Yang's Semblance enhanced fist, augmented with a fully activated Ember Celica, stiffly yet solidly impacting Deadpools right in the kisser, once again flying through the air.
"WAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOOEY!" he cried, "This is so much more painful than when Team Rocket does iiiiiiiit!" He then disappeared from sight, leaving only a twinkle in his wake.
Yang turned to the other teens and her sister, "We never speak of this again."
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Great!" the brawler chirped, now back to her normal, cheery self, "Then let's get out of here before anything else decides to harass us!"
It was at that moment that a Deathstalker (different from the one Deadpool obliterated) burst out of the forest, and a giant Nevermore screeched overhead, circling the group
"...Never mind. Come on, let's go kill the monsters..."
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Ow...man, what hit me just now? Well, anyway, whatever it was is gone now, so now I can get this fanfic train a-started- Huh? The story's already over? ...How the heck did that happen?
...the [censor]s a Deadpool?
Well, whatever! I guess in that case, I'll just shamelessly plug my other stories, starting with- *bonk!* Ow, the back of my face! *is unconscious*
Still alive, suckers! Go watch my movie when it hits theaters! Or when it comes out on home video, whenever you end up reading this. Whoobwhoobwhoobwhoobwhoobwhoobwhoob!