Chapter 4:

Cats and Birds.

"Pretty kitty."

"No!" I batted the hands away as they tried to reach me, shifting in place on Lily's shoulders in an attempt to her head between myself and the owner of those grabby hands. Finding a spot just out of her reach, I sent a stern glare down. "Bad human, bad."

"Oh, just let her play with you Professor." Lily laughed. She turned to look to her right shoulder, where I was currently perched on, her emerald green eyes twinkling with mirth. "She won't hurt you."

"Let her play– are you joking?" I gawked open mouthed at the red-haired woman before pointing down at my molester. "You don't know where it's even been."

The 'it' in question was a young child, a red haired little girl with green eyes set on a face filled with childlike innocence that most could only have described as angelic – but not I! I wasn't fooled but its harmless exterior, I knew whats it true nature was and I wasn't about to let its grubby hands anywhere near my fur.

"Pretty kitty," the child, little Rose Potter, giggled with delight at my actions. Probably thinking it was some kind of game she reached up with those grabby hands of hers towards my tail, which I barely managed to yank out of her reach in time.

"Down human, down." I commanded to little effect, before turning to glare at her mother who was clearly was having far too much at my expense. "Do you have any idea how many germs there are in a human mouth? One bite and I'm guaranteed to get an infection. I refused to let it touch me until she's been properly vaccinated."

"Kitty~~!" Rose squealed from where she sat in her mother's arms.

"No," I batted her hand again, "I said no – oh, meooowwww~~." Whatever indignation I felt melted away as I was overcome by the most wonderful sensation of having my ears properly scratch. I slumped down onto Lily's shoulders and I found myself purring in pleasure as skilled digits properly tended to my ears.

"Look Rose, scratch here." I was feeling far too content to move and couldn't muster an ounce of resistance as Lilly helped her daughter higher up to join her in her scratching. "Like this."

Rose giggled as she began helping her mother in scratching my ears.

Sleepily, I forced open one eye to half-hearted glare at the evil redhead, "I shall devour your very soul." I promised, though I couldn't manage to force any real heat into my voice.

"Oh, you are a goddess, meow." My back left foot started kicking involuntarily as they scratched just the right spot, "When we cats rise up and take our rightful place as rulers of the world, I will be sure to have you spared. I'll even make sure to leave you and your daughter a place by side as the royal ear scratches."

"I'm honored." Lily replied blandly. Somehow I got the impression that she didn't mean it. How very strange.

After a couple of minutes, Lily ceased her scratching as Rose seemed to have her fill. Cradling her daughter back into her arms Lily shook her head at me. "For someone who teaches children for a living Professor, you seem to have an awful dislike of them."

"That is not true." I replied as I stretched and rose onto my feet, easily keeping my balance on her shoulders. "I adore children, especially those eager to learn. A young mind ready to be filled with knowledge is truly a most wondrous thing. But this," I bobbed Rose on the nose with a paw, causing her to cross her eyes before laughing hysterically, "is not a child. This is a baby, an existence that does nothing but eat, cry, poop and drool all day long. Nothing more than a human garbage disposal, with all the intelligence of a lemming and with just as much survival instincts I'd wager."

Lily shook her head at my assent but said nothing, deciding to leave the matter be.

We were making our way down Diagon Alley along with the Potters, who had decided to tag along with the Grangers as they shopped for their own school supplies. We already had gotten the children's wands and most of their school supplies, all that was left was their robes and we'd be home free. A few paced ahead of us, Hermione was chatting animatedly with the Potter brood; Harry and Ivy Potter – the former should be starting Hogwarts this year along with Hermione while latter will be joining her brother the following year.

Both Mr and Mrs Granger were trailing a little behind us and the children, deep in a discussion about their profession with James Potter. Potter seemed to be having trouble wrapping his mind around how muggle dentistry is supposed to work, his bewilderment only growing as Dan and Emma tried to explain how they fixed teeth by drilling holes in them.

A hooting sound drew my attention back to the children.

"Which reminds me," I focused my sights on the foul being in question, "what is that?"

"What is what?" Lily glanced at me and asked.

"That." I pointed, "What is that?"

"Hedwig?" Lily asked as she caught sight of the thing that was currently resting on her son's shoulder. "That's Harry's new pet owl."

"And why," I questioned in a tone of voice that made it obvious how stupid I thought she was for allowing such a thing to happen, "would you subject your only son to the company of such a horrid creature when you could get him a perfectly good cat or kneazel instead?"

"Is that jealousy I hear your voice Professor?" James Potter interjected into the conversation, stepping up to his wife's side to shoot me a teasing look. Apparently he had given up trying to understand the finer details of dentistry.

"Jealous, of what?" I scoffed, "What possibly reason would I be jealous from that thing?"

As if it knew we were talking about it, the white buzzard that they named Hedwig rotated its head half way around to look at me, its beady little yellow eyes narrowing into a glare as it locked onto mine. Naturally I refused to look away from the inferior creature and matched the thing's glare with one of my own.

"Oh~, I don't know." Potter's grin turned mocking. "Maybe because owls are the most popular pets among children while cats, such as yourself, are only a distant second."

"That's only because the unwashed masses don't have the refined taste to know what a glorious animal cats are." I told him, keeping my eyes on the bird while it did the same to me. "And there are children out there that believe picking their noses and eating their boogers is the height of fine dining. So forgive me if I find that their choice in pets doesn't hold much meaning to me. In my honest opinion, owls are nothing more than an animated feather dusters with an over inflated ego who live under the constant delusion that they're mailmen."

"Professor, now you're just being petty." Lily reprimanded, "Owls are one of the most beautiful and majestic animals on the planet."

"You call them beautiful and majestic," I said while still locked in the staring contest with the accursed owl, "I have a different name for them."

"What?" James asked.

"Lunch." I told him, keeping my green eyes on Hedwig's yellow as I slowly and deliberately licked my lips.

The owl lurched, taken aback by words, before she ruffled its feathers and puffed up with indignation, hooting angry at me.

James Potter barked out a laugh. "I can't believe you, the big bad Hogwarts's Professor, are feeling insecure over one little owl."

"I don't want to hear that from a has been like you Potter." I countered.

"Has been?" James squawked, all amusement leaving his from as he turned to glare at me with indignation, "What that's supposed to mean?

"It means that for a man who claims to be the 'greatest prankster' to ever set foot on Hogwarts," I air quoted 'greatest prankster', a rather impressive feat when you consider I didn't have any fingers, "you have been living on the straight and narrow for years now. Face it, your glory days are long over. Ever since you married your wife here she has been wearing the pants in the family. Just give up and admit it Potter, you got whipped."

"I'm not whipped!" James denied. "And I'm the one who wears the pants in this family, not Lily."

"Did you say something honey?" Lilly asked, smiling sweetly at her husband.

James, immediately cowed, smiled sheepishly and murmured. "Nothing dear."

"You nabbed yourself a real winner here Potter." I muttered to myself as I lowered myself onto a more comfortable position on lily's shoulders. Crossing my paws beneath my head, I carried on in a louder voice, "Besides, even if you weren't whipped, you'd still be old news. Your legend is already being eclipsed by younger and finer blood. The Weasley twins still haven't even started their third year yet but already some of the Professors are claiming that they're worse than you and your old crew ever was. Face it Potter, you time is over."

"That's right." James immediately brightened up at the mention of the twins. "Arthur's boys, I heard about how those two troublemakers are carrying on the Marauders' noble tradition of pranking." Potter looked almost proud at the thought, but a moment later his good mood seemed to extinguish as his expression turned sour. "Now if only they weren't snakes, I'd be happy."

"Now James," Lily chided in an air that made it clear she had repeated the same thing a many time before, "there is nothing wrong with being a Slytherin."

"Of course you'd say that." James pouted petulantly, "You're friends with one. No good slimy snakes."

"Hello, Head of Slytherin here." I raised a paw and waved. "But please, go on. Don't stop on account of me, it's not like I don't enjoy hearing every student under my responsibility insulted. Please tell me more."

James had the grace to blush. "Sorry Professor," He shot me a sheepishly smile. "I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that had my share of bad experience with Slytherin when I was at Hogwarts."

"So I take it." I answered blandly. I hadn't been in charge of the Slytherin back then, it was Slughorn, so I had no idea if there was any real merit to his resentment to my house or not. "But getting back to the topic on hand, I'm honestly surprised that no one saw the twin's sorting into Slytherin coming from a mile away. Where else would they fit in?"

"Gryffindor." James answered without hesitation, "There is no better house for a prankster than there."

"Ha, as if." Shaking my head as I chuckled. "Look, I understand that time has the tendency of distorting the reputations of people, but Godric Gryffindor would not have tolerated a bunch of trouble making pranksters in his house. The man was the most law abiding person you'd ever meet, as straight-laced as they come. I have no idea what kind of image you built up of him in your head but the real Godric probably resembles Madam Bones more than whatever you are picturing him out to be."

"Really? I never knew that." Lily turned her curious green eyes to her shoulder, where I was currently perched. "From the way some of the lions kept going on about him when I in Hogwarts you'd think he would have been a more free-spirited person. Are you sure that you aren't the one that's misinformed?"

I shot her a deadpanned look. "Lady Potter, I am the History of Magic Professor. If there is anyone who knows about historical magical figures, then it would be me."

"That's right, I forgot about that." James looked up in thoughtfully, one hand scratching his chin before shrugging. "I honestly can't remember a single one of my History of Magic classes when I was a student."

"That's because you slept through all of yours James." Lily reminded him.

"But I wasn't the only who slept through old Binns droning." James's smile turned sly as she looked to his wife. "I recall one or two times when I heard a cute sounding snore coming from a certain redhead."

Lily smacked her husband on the shoulder but didn't refute his words, her cheeks gaining a light dusting of red.

"Well as I was saying, I can't imagine why anyone would expect the twins to go to anywhere else but Slytherin. I have never met a more conniving, scheming pair of children in all my years." I looked to Lilly, "Can you believe those two had once tried to bribe me with catnip of all things, just so that I would look the other way while they set up a prank. Me," I placed a paw on my chest, "their Professor and the Head of their House, they actually tried to bribe me."

It was true too; those little rascals actually tried to bride me with catnip, a full basket of the stuff. Freshly picked too.

I can't remember the last time I've been so proud.

"Really?" James asked, suddenly looking very interested, "How did that go?

"Well, let's just say that I happened to be indisposed when someone managed to sneak into Severus's private quarters and replace his shampoo with magic resistant blonde hair dye. Bright glowing golden blonde. It was like the sun dawning whenever the poor boy stepped into a room."

James guffawed, his laughter so loud that the children paused to turn around and stare, before Harry and Ivy shook their head at their dad's antics and pulled Hermione ahead. And though Lily tried to hide it, I knew she was just as amused by the mental image of her friend with blonde hair as her husband was by the way her shoulders rose and fell.

My Lord, those two were unbelievable, and Molly Weasley thought that they would end up in Gryffindor. The reaction of the Weasley matriarch when she found out her children were in Slytherin was explosive to say the least. You'd think she might have suspect the possibility after Percy had ended up in Slytherin, or at least gotten used to the idea, but no, her reaction was just as over the top as it had been the first time. My ears are still ringing just from thinking about the Howlers. Boy did that woman have a set of lungs.

But really, she of all people should have not expected anything else from them. As their mother she must have known what kind of people the twins were. I mean I know for a fact that those two have been saving up every Knut, Sickle and Galleon that they could their hands on since they were nine all so that they can save up enough to open their own joke shop one day. They even had commandeered a tiny room in one of the secret passages that they thought I didn't know about to experiment in, trying to create new jokes products and potions. They even once showed me their notebook, a thick tome filled to the brim with designs of their future store and what kind of products they planned to sell. It was all rather impressive.

Cunning and ambition in spades. No, the hat chose rightly when he sent them to my house.

"MEOW!" My eyes snapped while open as I yelped, blinding whit pain flashing through my mind as something tugged on my tail. The next thing I knew I found myself rocketing high into the air as I leapt in reflex.

"Kitty~~!" Little Rose Potter clapped her hands in glee as she cheered; the little monster was obviously very pleased with the reaction received from pulling my tail and not at all repented.

Before gravity managed to take its hold on me and pull me to the ground, I apparated to a nearby rooftop. Sparing a quick glance at the state of my poor mangled tail before looking down over the ledge at the Potters, making sure that I remained far, far away from the girl with the too grabby hands.

"Mark my words Rose Potter," I yelled down from the rooftops at the toddler, giving her the most menacing expression I had, "you will rue the day you laid your hands on my tail. For this sin, no punishment will be too harsh, no torture too cruel. I shall hunt you down to your dying days until I get my revenge. I may have made the foolish mistake of letting my guard down today because you had been so quiet, but I shall never make the mistake of underestimating you again. You will know pain Rose Potter. Suffer, you hear me, suffer!"

Sometimes I hated that I looked so damn cute. It's hard to properly cow someone when you looked like the cutest thing ever, because even my most menacing face just made Rose squeal with gleeful laughter.

Yes, a formidable foe this one.

"Oh stop overreacting Professor and come back down." Lily called up to me, holding the abomination she called a daughter in her arms. James was too busy trying to high-five his youngest to bother saying anything to me.

"Come down?" I gaped at the women. "No, not on your life. I refuse to get anywhere near that thing and her grabby little hands. What if she goes for my poor tail again?"

"What about the Grangers." Lily tried to reason by nodding towards Mr and Mrs Grangers who were now standing with the children. "You can't just leave them here."

"We were almost done shopping anyway, all that's left are the school robes and they don't nee me to do that. You can take them there, you were going there anyway."

Lily just rolled her eyes, knowing me well enough to understand that I was being serious. There was no way I was going to set foot on that street so long as Rose was within a one mile radius. I refused to put my poor tail through any more abuse than it's already been through.

"Fine you big baby," Lily relented, "we'll watch over the Grangers while you go run and hide from a tiny little toddler."

"Kitty go bye-bye?" Rose asked, cocking her head as she brought a finger up to her mouth.

"Yes, baby. The scaredy cat is leaving." Lily told her daughter, "Say goodbye Rose."

"Bye-bye Kitty," Rose raised both her arms high above her head and started to wave, "bye-bye."

I gave Rose a glare filled with -all-of-my-hate- before I turned and stalked away, planning to get back to Hogwarts.

See, this, this is precisely why I hated spending time with the Potters. Whenever I'm around them something always goes wrong, every single time. I didn't know if it was in their blood or if one of their ancestors had a cursed cast on him that was passed down the Potter line, but it was as if they one giant magnet for trouble, all of them, even the kids.

And more often than not when that trouble strikes, like lightening to a lightning rod, it happens to strike me.

Dear Lord I just hope that none of them ever end up in my House. Better start bribing the Hat, just in case.

*Chapter End*

Author's Notes: I had always thought that should Slytherin stop being the house of 'evil' like in the books, then the Weasley twins would make brilliant Slytherins. God knows they're cunning and ambitious enough. And when they were given the choice of going to the house with a trolling cat or Mcgonagall, well the choice was easy.

And we have a glimpse of the Potters in this alternative history. Hope you enjoyed the reveal. Oh, and in order of birth, the Potter children are : Harry, Ivy and Rose.

Next up: Hogwarts and the staff. After that the sorting and Mendax's first class.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter, please let me know what you thought of it. And as always, thanks for reading.