Chapter 4

I wake up with the sun shining in through the blinds of the windows to my bedroom. It hot as it lays across my eyelids.

My body feels damp from sweat and the remnants of last night. The air smells like sex and salt.

I remember what happened the night before. I can see little pieces of memory flashing in my eyes. I see his blue eyes as they look down on me. that expanse of smooth tan skin. those calloused hands running over my bare body. that hot mouth licking, sucking, biting me. those plump lips pressed into mine.

And then I remember my realization. I remember that I am fully in love with my best friend.

It makes my heart feel warm inside of me, but it also scares me. it's the same fear that I've felt for a long time. it's the same fear that kept me from telling him the truth about how I felt last night.

I sigh as I decide to lift my head and assess the damage.

I can hear him breathing and lightly snoring next to me, his mouth pressed into my hard shoulder bone and his large hand resting over my stomach. I can feel his heat and it makes me want what we did together to happen again and again until there is nothing left that we can give one another.

I lift a hand from under the sheets to run my fingers through his wet yellow hair. it is still full of sticky sweat and it sticks together as it stands up in all directions.

He moves and stirs from the contact and stretches beside me before he opens his eyes.

When he opens them, it is obvious that he doesn't know where he is. he looks around and realizes that he's in my bed when he catches sight of me.

"Sasuke?" he says my name like a question.

"Good morning. does your head hurt too much?" I ask, knowing that there is no way that he could have gotten away without a headache from all that he drank last night.

He only looks at me as if he's trying to remember how we got this way. How we ended up naked together in my bed. How he ended up at my house at all.

"Uh, it hurts a little, but not too bad," he tells me.

"that's good. You should get more sleep," I tell him and turn my body so that I am on my side and looking at him.

He moves away slightly to make room for me and raises a hand to his forehead, as if trying to ease away the pain that I know must be thumping behind his skull.

"Uh, I guess I should, but I'll take a nap when I get home," he says and the knot I had before has grown and tightened in my stomach again.

I feel this sense of danger in my chest and I know something bad is going to happen by the way he says it. by the way he's looking at me like it wasn't me he was supposed to be waking up next to.

"How much did I drink last night?" he asks me.

"I don't know. you had only a little bit here, but you were drunk before you got here," I tell him.

"Oh, ok. Do you mind if I take a shower?" he asks me and I feel disappointed.

Somehow I pictured the morning after to be different. it's not as if I had planned any of this out in my head or thought about what it would be like after we woke up together, but I still expected it to be different.

I expected him to wake up and hold on to me, clinging to me and being as sweet to me as his personality left me to think he would. I expected him to say good morning to me. I expected him to panic and say that he didn't remember what happened last night.

I didn't expect him to wake up and sort of pass by the topic. I didn't think that he'd ignore the fact that we'd just spent the night together and fucked. I didn't expect him to get out of bed so soon.

Before I can answer him, he is already out of the bed and standing by the edge on the opposite side that I am laying on. He brings a hand up to the back of his head in his nervous habit and only looks at me as I lie still, half covered by the sheets from my waist up.

the fabric curves against my pelvic bone and shows him a small bit of the curve of my behind. I see his sky colored eyes trace my outline from under the thin cover. His cheeks turn a light pink like they do when he is embarrassed.

"Um, uh, Sas'?" he asks, jumbled and seemingly disoriented.

"Yeah?" I answer.

"Where are, where are my clothes?" he asks and I am disappointed again.

My hopes had gone up, thinking that he was going to tell me something meaningful or comment on the way he couldn't keep his eyes off of me.

"They're in the living room where you took them off," I tell him.

Then without saying anything else to me, he goes to get them and heads off to the bathroom.

I can hear the water in the shower running and can imagine the steam rising all around him, the liquid washing over him and cleaning the evidence of what we did together off of him.

My stomach aches and my heart constricts within my chest. I have a sick uneasy feeling and I can't bring myself to get out of bed.

Instead I pull my knees to my chest, trying to even out my breathing and stop thinking about the possibility that my vulnerability is about to destroy me.

I think about the reasons that he could have reacted the way that he did.

He could have been embarrassed and didn't know to say or do with me. he could have forgotten what actually happened between us and didn't want to say anything wrong. He could have been too tired or hung over to make any effort.

I try to rationalize it all and take a deep breath to calm myself.

He takes a long time in the bathroom and smells clean when he reenters the room. I remain on my side and wait for him to address me.

He moves close to the bed and sits down on the side that I'm facing. He runs his fingers through his hair, making it stick up in the way that it usually does as the water remaining it is tries to weigh it down.

"Sasuke, are you alright?" he asks me.

"Yeah, why?" I say.

"Well, cuz' you're kind of quiet and lying like that. Is your stomach hurting, or is it your, uh, your behind?" he asks me as if he's nervous.

I hadn't thought about the lingering pain before. The pain in my anxious stomach hurt me more.

"No, I'm fine. I'm not hurting," I tell him.

"Then why are you laying like that?" he asks me.

I don't know how to tell him that it's because I'm afraid that he is disgusted that he slept with me. That I am afraid that our friendship will become too awkward and that he won't come around anymore to visit me. that I am overly aware of the fact that he most likely does not love me back and that last night only happened for the physical contact.

It's not like I've had a real romantic relationship before. It's not as if I understand what is supposed to happen during one, but still, I can't deny that that's not what I want with him.

I love him. That means that I want to be with him. That means that I want us to belong to one another, as girlish and childish as that seems, that's what I want. I want him. And I want him to want me.

"I'm just laying like this," I tell him to answer him without admitting that I'm feeling fearful.

"Oh, ok. Look Teme, I was thinking about it, and I think that last night probably shouldn't have happened. I was upset and drunk and you were being so nice to me, I couldn't help myself. I just kind of reacted without thinking and I'm sorry," he tells me and I realize that those were the very words I was afraid of.

My chest hurts. he thinks that last night was a mistake. That going to bed with me was wrong. That touching me was disgusting. My heart echoes in my head I can't think of what to say.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask him, saying anything just to speak. Just to make him stay here with me longer.

"Because I took advantage of you and because I shouldn't have expected something like that from you," he tells me and it confuses me.

"It wasn't taking advantage of me. do you not remember me telling you how much I wanted it? Do you not remember how I told you that we could do that together from now on?" I ask him and he stares at me with his mouth parted as if he's not sure of how to answer me.

"Yeah, but still, I don't think last night should have happened. I was emotional and unprepared for how sweet you were. I couldn't stop myself once I started," he says.

"Why do you think it shouldn't have happened? You and I both wanted it, so what's the problem?" I ask.

"Sasuke, just stop ok? It was a mistake, alright? I won't ask you to do that again," he says with a much louder voice than before and the sound startles me within the quiet bedroom.

His words hurt and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

"Sasuke?" he says my name again and I look up at him to make our eyes meet.

When I give him my attention, I notice a look of regret pass over his face.

"Are you mad at me?" he asks.

I'm not. I'm not angry with him, although I probably should be. I should be angry that he used me last night to take out his frustrations. To de-stress. To vent. To get over that whore of a woman he was seeing.

I should be angry, but I'm not. something inside my head told me that this would happen. It warned me that last night might have meant more to me than him. it whispered small knowing statements that him sleeping with me was only a physical thing.

I knew what it would be and so I have no right to be furious.

But it still hurts. it still aches throughout my heart and my head at the realization that I am in love with someone that does not love me back.

He is my best friend and if I tell him how I really feel, I could risk our bond. I could risk everything that we have between us, old and new. And that's not what I want. I'd rather have him by my side every day as my best friend, than chase him away with messy love confessions and unrealistic expectations.

"No, I'm not mad," I tell him, although I know he is trained more than well enough to know that I am lying to him.

But he doesn't mention my deception. He doesn't say anything to give away that he knows I am a liar.

"Ok, good. I'm really glad. I should probably go soon though," he tells me as he lifts his body back off of the bed and waits for me to rise as well.

I get out of bed, still naked and bare and I can feel his eyes on me again. but this time I can't tell if he's admiring my form or disgusted by it.

I quickly grab some pants from my drawers and put them on before I walk him to the front door.

"I'll see you later, Sas'," he says and for some reason I feel like he's lying to me just as I had to him only moments ago.

He walks away from my wooden porch without looking back at me even once.

My chest aches and I can't help but hold a hand up to it as if I'm trying to clutch my heart in my hand to stop its beating.

He doesn't come back for days. His absence always bothers me and leaves me feeling empty and alone, but its worse this time. It's heavier this time.

Something in me told me that it would be like this and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to make things go back to normal.

At first I waited around my house for him, hoping he'd show up again with a takeout meal in his hand as he usually does, but the loneliness and disappointment was too much.

As I slip my bare feet into my shoes by the front door, I feel the nerves in my stomach dance and twist around, reminding me of why this is a bad idea.

I

am far more intelligent than most shinobi, but I am also not the greatest. In fact, I'm technically no longer a shinobi anymore, so I'm out of practice. I am smart, but even I know that I've had better ideas than this one in the past. Even deciding to destroy the village that's home to the man I love was a better choice than this one.

I plan to meet him at his house instead of waiting to hear him knock on my front door. I decide to make it so that he can no longer ignore me.

Kakashi visited me a yesterday and sparked the idea in my brain.

I had told my former teacher what had happened between us, because there was no one else I could tell. There was no one else that wouldn't laugh in my face at the fact that I'd been used for my body, and that I'd been used by another man. There was no other person that wouldn't make fun of me for allowing him to dominate me.

The silver haired man had only looked at me for a few quiet moments and then said, "It's about time."

He told me that it was bound to happen eventually and that it was good for the both of us to understand that we could be that way with one another.

I didn't understand what he meant and I became angry at first because I thought he was suggesting that it was good that we knew now that we could be fuck buddies, or whatever Suigetsu would have called it a long time ago.

But of course I was wrong, as I've come to realize I am often these days, and he told me that he meant that it was good that we discovered that we could be a part of one another in that way. That because we had sex, it opened up the possibilities for love or a relationship with one another.

I didn't tell Kakashi that I've decided that I love my former teammate. I haven't told anyone. I haven't been brave enough.

I only scoffed at the older man's words and admitted that his absence and avoidance angered me. I told him of what the girl did to him. I told him what I thought of her.

He had laughed at me and told me that I sounded jealous of her.

I couldn't deny it, and so I didn't respond to the statement.

Then my teacher's face changed and he looked solemn for a moment before he told me that I needed to use my head and skill more efficiently. That I needed to make it so that he couldn't ignore or avoid me. That I needed to make him see that it wasn't me that was the one making an effort to stay away from one another.

The idea had turned and invaded my thoughts for the last few days until I decided to give into it.

I open the front door and allow the early afternoon sun to cross over my skin. The air has turned colder over the last few months and the season is beginning to change as well. The leaves have become darker and brighter all at the same time, making the colors rich and captivating.

I am nervous about what I will find once I get to his front door. I'm afraid that he will turn me away. I am afraid that our bond has been damaged beyond repair. I am frightened that he will not want to see me ever again.

I drown out the sounds of the village as I follow the path that I remember to get to his apartment. I can't hear the sound of the civilians as the talk and socialize in the streets. I can't hear the vendors at the market as I pass by. I can't hear the children as they run in front of me, their inflatable weapons and kunai in hand, chasing one another and pretending to be shinobi. I can't hear the Anbu as they follow me close behind me to my destination. I can only hear the thoughts in my head.

I can't focus on what to say when I arrive. I can't imagine or play out the possible outcomes of the interaction like I should be able to. like I am able to map out every movement during a battle. Like I am able to predict what my opponent will do next.

I can only think about what his face might look like as he answers his door.

I walk up the wooden steps of his building until I come to the third floor. they creak as if they are screaming beneath my feet and I can only think that perhaps they are trying to warn me.

I make it to his door and allow myself a long second before I bring a hand up to knock on the door. it makes a loud sound against the wood as I do so and I take a deep breath to prepare for the possibilities.

It takes a little under a minute for him to answer it. when the door opens he stares at me as if I'm out of place. as if I'm not supposed to be here. as if he doesn't know how I got here.

He is shirtless and there is an accumulation of sweat around his neck. A large bruise adorns his skin and I know that I didn't give it to him. I know that if I had, it would have faded away and been forgotten by now. I know that it is fairly new and it was made by teeth.

He is surprised to see me and it shows in his wide endless eyes.

"Sasuke? What are you doing here?" he asks me.

I hadn't prepared for what I was going to say should that question come up and so I say the first thing that I my brain offers me.

"Well, you hadn't been by. I thought that maybe I could visit you instead for a change," I tell him and hope that my excuse is valid enough to believe.

"Uh, yeah, I'm sorry I haven't seen you in a while. I've been really busy lately," he tells me as he glances over his shoulder and quickly back to me.

"It's alright. I thought that you'd want to get something to eat with me. we could go for ramen," I say and know by the look he's giving me that that's not going to happen.

"Actually, right now isn't really a good time. we could go out tomorrow if you want though," he says and I know by the sounds from inside his apartment that he's not alone.

I feel disappointed again, but there's nothing that I can do. I can't demand to know the reasons why he's stayed away from me. I can't ask him who he's been with, even though I'm smart enough to know that it's that woman. I can't beg him to spend more time with me. I can't expect him to fuck me or love me or any of that.

I can't because he doesn't belong to me and because he intended our night together to be a one time occurrence.

"That's fine," I tell him, but it eats away at me from the inside.

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow," he tells me, but I know that he doesn't mean it.

I know that he won't come tomorrow or the next day or the one after that. I know that it will be a while before I see him again.

Even though I'm trying not to look hurt or pathetic, I can't help it. I turn around to leave without saying goodbye.

From knowing him from years and from being used to the way he always chased after me regardless of how many times I told him to leave me alone, he doesn't stop me. he doesn't follow me down the stairs or across the street. He doesn't even watch me leave. I could hear his door close seconds after I had turned my back.

I decide that I won't allow this to happen again. I won't allow myself to become this vulnerable. I won't put myself in a situation that could potentially be my undoing. I will not let myself ever get close enough to anyone to give them a chance to hurt me.

I had made the same promise years ago when I was young. I wouldn't allow myself to be close with anyone. I would not allow bonds of any type get in my way from my ultimate goal. I would not let myself become distracted and weak.

But being here in this village with him and having him readily available when I wanted or needed him to be, allowed me to feel safe enough to open myself up. it allowed me to think that he's always be reliable. That he'd always be there for me. that he'd always want to be near me.

I've been wrong all this time and I will not allow it to happen again with anyone else, even if it means this cold loneliness lasts the rest of my life.

I remind myself that for years, I took solace in solitude and craved the silence. That I didn't need anyone to interrupt me and my thoughts.

As I walk through the entrance to my family home again, my resolve to stay strong and independent feels too heavy and it begins to weigh me down.

I fall to my knees just inside the door and hold my head in my hands.

I just don't understand how he could want me back in this place so badly, visit me everyday for the past couple of years even when they held me in that cold and dark cell, tell me that he enjoys my company and that he thinks I treat him well, takes me to bed with him, and could easily dismiss me as he has today.

I don't understand how such a gentle man could be so cruel without even realizing it. it hurts and I don't know how to make the knot in my stomach lighten. I don't know how to stop thinking about him.

My head hasn't hurt this badly since the night I found out that my brother was not whom I had assumed he was all those years. the night I lost my true purpose and realized that I had killed someone that loved me enough to pretend the way he did.

But even with all the pain, I'd rather think of him than Itachi. I push the subject of my brother away and try to hold back the water that stings the corners of my eyes.

I don't cry often and when I do, it's for something uncontrollably frustrating and discouraging that I can do nothing about. But this is different. I had known what to expect and I had had an idea of what that night had meant to him, so there is no reason for me to allow the tears to fall and stain my skin. there is no reason to act like a child.

But even knowing that, I can't help myself. I can't help the water from coming and I can't help the thick sobs from escaping my throat.

It hurts. it all hurts. my past. My captivity in a place I had decided to destroy. The avoidance of the only person I've ever loved in this way. Knowing that I had been a spur of the moment device used to relieve stress. That he doesn't want me the way I had hoped he would. That he is disgusted with himself and with me for what we did together. that I am nothing to him compared to that woman. The loneliness of this house. the memories that haunt me in my sleep and throughout my days. the boredom of being domesticated. It all hurts more than I can handle at the moment, although I've faced worse and much more dangerous things.

I give in to the exhaustion and lay on the floor. my cheek presses against the cool wooden floor and my body lies unmoving like a child's broken and discarded toy. I allow my eyes to close and try to force my body from twitching as my mouth continues to make the sounds of my despair. I try to calm my respiration patterns back to normal let myself drift into the darkness behind my eyelids.

I wake up to the sound of foot steps beside me. they echo across the hollow floor and make the house seem more lively.

I should be upset that there is an intruder. I should be embarrassed to be found this way. But I'm not. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me. my pride has left me and I remain where I am.

I open my eyes to see a set of knees bent, their owner crouched to look at me.

"Sasuke?" his voice sounds throughout the room and passes through my ears.

I was wrong. He didn't lie to me. he did show up like he said that he would.

I roll around to my back and look up at him. my head feels dizzy and it's hard to focus on his face.

"Teme, what's wrong with you? you're still wearing what you were last night, did you pass out?" he asks me and it feels as if he actually cares.

I scoff aloud so that he can hear me. I wonder how someone that turned me away the night before with complete disregard for me could pretend to act concerned about me now.

And then I stop myself in my thoughts. he did turn me away and he did use my body to relieve his own frustrations. He did tell me that he and I sleeping together was a mistake and he did ignore and avoid me.

But even so, I know that he cares for me. he cares about everyone. Every single person has importance to him and I remind myself of how good of a man he is in the first place.

It doesn't mean that I'm anything special though, and it still hurts. but I shouldn't chastise him for the things he's done, because I know from somewhere deep inside me that he hasn't done any of it on purpose. I know that he would never intentionally hurt me.

I decide to nod to his question, if only to gain some sort of attention from it.

"Are you sick? Did you fall?" he asks me again, rapidly and without pause.

"I'm ok now," I tell him and it's not an entire lie. I do feel better than I did the night before, although I'm still just as hurt.

"Let me help you," he says as he wraps a hand around one of my upper arms and places the other on my back as he helps me to sit up.

"Can you stand up and walk?" he asks.

"I feel dizzy," I tell him because I do.

"This will probably be weird because I know that you don't like to feel helpless, but don't fight me. I'm going to pick you up and take you to your bed. We have to get you off of this damp floor or you'll get sick," he says as he positions me so that he can lift me up.

He carries me in his arms in front of him as if I were a woman. I put my arms around his neck, pretending like I am afraid that he will drop me, but I know that he won't. I know that is strong and kind and will try as hard as possible not to let me fall.

He places me in my bed and I can feel the warmth starting to accumulate in the sheets as my body heat starts to be absorbed by the fabric.

He sits beside me on the mattress just as he did the last time that he was here, only this time I am able to look up at him as I lay on my back.

His hand comes to rest on my head and his thumb rubs on my hairline again like it did the night that he was inside me.

I watch how he focuses his blue eyes on me and it makes me feel important, although it shouldn't because I now know that that look is most likely not only for me.

"You really scared me, Sas'. I was worried when you didn't answer the door and I asked the guards and they said that you were home. so I had to pick the lock and when I got here and saw you on the floor, my head went crazy trying to figure out what was wrong and my heart beat faster than it has in a long time. I couldn't see you breathing. I was so worried that I'd lost you," he tells me and it all hurts more.

It hurts to hear him say such things when I know that he doesn't mean them the way it feels like he does.

"I'm alright. I'm just dizzy," I tell him.

He is silent and only continues to caress me with his thumb.

"You were worried that you'd lost me?" I ask him, although I know I shouldn't.

I know that he will say something that I want to hear. He will tell me that he doesn't want to lose me. he will tell me that I'm important to him and it will make me fall even deeper into this hole of disappointment and pain, because I know that he doesn't feel the same way that I do.

He doesn't understand that I love him and if I tell him now, it won't make a difference. He doesn't love me back. he doesn't know what he means to me. if I tell him now, I will only look more pathetic than I already do. if I tell him now, he will have to feel guilty telling me that he doesn't want me, and after all of this, I still want him to be happy. Making him suffer through such things is not adding to his level of happiness.

"Yeah, you're my best friend. I thought you were sick or dead. I thought getting to be by your side after everything we've been through to get to that point would be taken from me already. I thought you'd been taken away from me already," he tells me and I can feel the sadness welling up in my eyes again.

It stings my nose and makes my throat swell up. the salty water gathers and I can't stop it or hold it back before it falls. It leaves wet marks down my face and I have to reach a hand up to wipe it away with my fingers.

"Huh? What's wrong? Why are you crying? Does it hurt somewhere?" he asks me in that frantic pace again as he starts moving both of his hands over my body, lightly poking me and checking me for injuries.

It makes me feel good that he's so concerned, but it also makes me feel like he's unintentionally tricking me into thinking that I am special to him in ways that no one else can be.

"My stomach just hurts," I tell him.

He surprises me as he lifts up my shirt far enough so that my stomach is exposed. My muscles tense as he rubs his palm gently over the tender skin of my belly. I know that he is checking for any bumps or abnormalities, but my imagination wants me to feel like he is caressing me.

He takes his time and continues to be careful with me. when he's decided that there's nothing wrong with the structure of my stomach, he holds his hand there as he looks at my face.

"Nothing feels strange under your skin. did you eat something bad?" he asks me.

"I haven't eaten anything in a while, so it's probably that," I tell him.

"When did you eat last?" he asks me and I can't remember the answer.

I've been so preoccupied with thoughts of him and what might happen to our bond, that I've forgotten to eat, or when I ate last, I can't be sure. Since the last time he was here, time has become so jumbled and mixed up that I can't make sense of what day is which. I have the general understanding, but I've lost the exact count.

"I don't remember," I tell him without stopping myself.

I want him to think of me and know that his words and his actions and his absence have affected me, but I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to think of me as a burden or a child that needs special care or it will act up or get sick.

But I wasn't able to stop myself before admitting that I don't remember my last meal, and I know that it will affect him negatively.

"You don't remember? Why not? How long has this been going on?" he asks me.

"I don't know. A few days, I guess," I say.

"What's going on with you?" he asks me then as he looks at me and tries to capture my eyes with his.

It works and I have gotten lost in the blueness of them right away.

"I don't know. I don't, I don't think it's that bad though. I'll get better soon, it's just because I haven't been leaving the house lately," I tell him, trying to make him worry less.

"Why haven't you gone out?" he asks.

The answer is simple and I debate whether or not to tell him. I decide that telling him the truth might be the best move.

"I haven't run out of canned food yet, and I only leave the house when I'm with you really," I tell him.

He stays quiet for a while before I can see his mouth open to speak.

"You don't go out without me? Why not?" he wants to know.

"Because I feel safest with you. I'm used to being worried that someone will come out of nowhere and attack, and even though I know that won't happen here, I can't help it. If I'm with you, I feel safe, like no one can hurt me if you're there with me to fight back. Walking around with you also helps me feel not so out of place. When I'm in public on my own, I notice how everyone stares at me much more easily and it makes me feel like I don't belong, so I try to avoid going out alone when I can," I tell him honestly.

"I didn't know that you felt that way," he tells me as he looks away from my face and down at his hand that he seems to have just now noticed was still on my stomach. He pulls it away slowly and stares at it as he rests it in his lap.

"It's ok. I have to get over it, especially now that you won't be coming here so often," I say, accidentally making it sound like I want him to feel guilty.

The egotistical and childish part of me does want him to. It wants him to feel guilty about leaving me in this condition. About causing it. But the other part of me, the one that's grown and finally learned to accept the bond that we have, doesn't want him to feel that way because it doesn't want him to feel burdened by me anymore.

"Uh, I know that you're not feeling good right now, but I actually came to talk to you about that. About me coming over, I mean. I kind of got back together with Anya and I told her what happened between us. She's always been jealous of you and now she thinks that she has a real reason to be. So in exchange for her to stop hanging around the guy she was with, she doesn't want me to come see you so often," he tells me.

My heart hurts more than I expected it to after how it felt when he turned me away from his door last night.

I don't know what to say and that heated hatefulness that I had learned to suppress a few months after I reentered Konoha, rises in me again and shows through the surface of me.

"You mean, never. You shouldn't lie. You don't mean 'as often', you mean never. You won't come over here anymore because you want to obey a whore that you allow to cheat on you. Since you're so willing to give up our friendship, our bond, for a woman like that, maybe it's a good thing that you won't be coming around anymore," I tell him as I sit up from my position and hold myself up with my arms outstretched slightly behind me.

His expression changes and I can tell that I've surprised him. It's been a long time since I've been cruel and unkind to him. it's been a while and I can see that my attitude is unexpected.

"Sasuke, that's not what I meant. I'm not throwing our bond away. I'm-"he tries to respond but now that I've fallen back on my old behavior, I can't stop myself.

"Get out. I don't want to see you anymore. and if you do come around, I won't answer the door," I tell him, my anger fully apparent as I give him the look that I used to as I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him when he chased me through the trees.

"But Sasuke, I-" he tries again.

But I won't allow it. I decide that perhaps it is for the best. Perhaps it would be better for both of us if he stays away from me. It will help his relationship with her and it will help me forget about him in small little pieces, just like I had to before in order to train with my former master underground in the darkness.

"I said get out!" I yell louder as I allow myself to act like a child that hasn't gotten its way and decide to use both of my hands to try to push him out of the bed.

His body is solid and only moves a few inches. He instinctively reaches out and grabs both of my wrists to prevent me from doing it again.

"Sasuke, what's wrong with you?" he yells back at me as I try to free my arms from his hold.

He squeezes tighter and glares at me, expecting an answer.

"You're what's wrong with me. You make me like this. The way you show up every single day and make me expect you and then you disappear for ages all of a sudden. The way you come to me and depend on me for things like patching up your cuts and providing you emotional support in the middle of the night. The way you fuck me and then want nothing to do with me. The way you trade me for a whore that can't be faithful to you. The way you've announced proudly over the years what a strong unbreakable and unwavering bond you have with me that no one else could ever replace, and the way you're so quick to dismiss all of that for a prettier fuck than me. Look at what you've done to me! Look how you've forced me to become vulnerable and then threw it all in my face! Look what a great and wonderful best friend you are!" I yell at him without thinking my words through.

My body and my tongue have always been quicker than my mind and I know that I can't take any of it back. I didn't mean to be so honest and I didn't mean to make him sound so mean, but the words just came out and now he knows how stupid and pathetic I am.

He's silent and I know that he doesn't know what to say. The expression on his face shows me that

I've hurt him and I feel guilty and regretful, but I know apologizing right now will only make me look worse than I already do. it will only make me seem unstable. It will only make me seem like I need his constant attention always or I will act this way. It makes me seem like being my friend is a lot more work than it should be.

He doesn't say anything to me as he rises from the edge of the bed where he sat and walks out of the room.

I stay quiet and hear the sound of the front door opening and closing with a click. I am alone again and

I will be alone for a very long time. It feels very much the same way like waking up to total darkness while I was beneath the earth where no sun could illuminate the air.

It feels like I am again down in those never ending tunnels of dirt and stone, trying to find my way out from underneath the surface.