"Eddie, geez, what did the Bat do to you?" asked Harley Quinn, as Edward Nygma hobbled carefully into the Arkham Asylum Rec Room a few weeks later. "You can barely walk!"

"It wasn't Batman," growled Nygma, easing gently into a chair. "An…invention of mine short-circuited during use…"

"Is this your robot sex doll?" asked Harley.

Nygma glared at her. "How do you know about Robogif?" he demanded.

"Johnny Crane passed it around," replied Harley. "He said you deserved to be humiliated after you insulted him by offering him a robot sex doll."

"Oh God!" exclaimed Riddler. "So Joker knows?!"

"Eddie, how was your first time?" asked Joker, entering the Rec Room and beaming. "Shocking, isn't it? Bet the sexual electricity was just palpable! Tell me, does doing it with a machine feel dirtier, or is it just the idea that's completely disgusting?"

"Oh God!" repeated Riddler.

"Did you program the machine to say things like that?" asked Joker, striking a robot pose and voice. "'Oh God,' 'So good,' 'Right there,' 'Take me, you animal, or at least you carbon-based life form.' I dunno, Eddie, I think some of the romance would be lost if it came from an emotionless, computer voice. Not that I wouldn't prefer a little less emotion in Harley's case, or at least a little less volume…"

"Shut up!" snapped Riddler. "It was not a disgusting idea – it was a great idea! Some…technical aspects were just a little faulty…"

"Hope it did some real permanent damage," said Joker, nodding. "Not that you could ever procreate with a machine anyway, and frankly that was the only thing you could ever get lucky with, so I guess it doesn't really matter. Tell me the Bat found you in flagrante with the robot though."

"Robogif is not a robot!" snapped Riddler. "And never you mind what state Batman found me in! Let's just say Robogif is a very…clingy and affectionate girlfriend, and didn't want to…be parted from me."

Joker burst out laughing hysterically. "God, I wish I'd been there to see the look on both your faces!" he chuckled. "Maybe I should get Bats a camera for Christmas so he can record these special moments. Not that I think he'll ever be able to forget that image!"

"Joker, letter for you," said Dr. Leland, entering the Rec Room and handing him an envelope. "Edward, c'mon – let's go to the infirmary and get those burns seen to."

"I want a male doctor!" snapped Nygma as he was led away.

Joker continued chuckling to himself, tearing open the envelope. As he suspected, it was a letter from Janey:

Dear Joker,

Just wanted to let you know I got back to Motor City safely, and have applied for a job as a prison psychiatrist where my Dad is incarcerated. I know he's not worthy of a second chance, but he's all the family I have left, and maybe if I can talk with him, things will get better between us. At least he looks a lot happier now with that smile you carved on to his face – even if Dad and I don't make any progress, at least his permanently smiling face will remind me of you.

I hope you get free of Arkham soon – knowing you, you will. I'll continue to follow your exploits in the papers, and know that I'll be thinking of you a lot, as I hope you'll be thinking of me. I'm sorry if me coming back into your life made a mess of things – I really hope you'll think kindly of me in the future. All I wanted to do was help the man who helped me. I don't think you'll ever know how much you improved my life, how much good you did for me, and I hope that doesn't bother you when you're trying to be villainous. I will never think of you as a bad guy – to me, you are always my hero. I hope that doesn't upset you, or Harley. Please believe as long as you're happy, I'm happy for you.

Your friend as always,

Janey.

"What's that, puddin'?" asked Harley, noticing Joker reading the letter.

"None of your business," he retorted. "It's addressed to me, not to you."

"It's from that little goody-two-shoes, isn't it?" demanded Harley, scowling.

"Yes," retorted Joker. "And you shouldn't feel threatened by her. I don't like goody-two-shoes, remember, Harley?"

"Then why are you even bothering writing back to her?" demanded Harley, as Joker sat down with a pen and paper.

"Because a guy like me can never have too many fans," retorted Joker. "And it's common courtesy to answer my fan-mail. But relax, baby. I only got one Harley Quinn."

Harley squeaked happily and kissed him, then headed off to watch TV, leaving Joker to his letter.

Dear Janey,

Glad you got home safely, and thanks for writing to me. I'm glad we can be pen pals again. I haven't had many friends in my life, not that I can remember anyway, and it's nice to know that I still have at least one. Our relationship isn't something I ever want to change in any way – I hope we can be friends forever.

And you have helped me, kid. To be a hero to somebody, to anybody, is a huge honor, even if it's one I never intended. The idea that a sweet, kind girl like you can think that way about a man like me almost makes me wanna live up to your ideals. But in the end, I am who I am, and what I ultimately am is a villain. With an excellent sense of humor, of course. But the fact that I was more than that once to a little girl who still adores me is something that puts a smile on my face, and always will.

I am happy, kid, you know that. I'm always happy with who I am, and I hope that you are too. Happy with yourself, I mean. Anybody who's a fan of mine has gotta have excellent taste, so try and value yourself as much as I value you. You and Harley bring my grand total of fans up to two, and don't think for a moment that that doesn't matter to me. Maybe eventually I'll get as many as three, but I ain't holding my breath. Still, the Bat might come round if I give him time.

Anyway, say hi to your Dad for me, and keep in touch. And the next time you're in Gotham, let's meet up for ice creams.

Your friend as always,

The Joker.

It was true, he thought, re-reading it – he didn't have many friends. Well, none that he didn't constantly torment anyway, which might have something to do with it. It was nice to have at least one that he genuinely liked. Speaking of people he didn't like, he should definitely crash Riddler's examination in the infirmary. It wasn't a very heroic thing to do, he thought, heading for the door, but he'd just leave it out of his next letter to Janey.

The End