VIII.

As Sheldon takes the long walk across campus to meet Amy at her lab, he contemplates the events of the previous week.

The last time he visited her lab, he arrived just after having lunch with his friends. As usual, they had seemed to find a great deal of humor in some of the things that he'd said. Unfortunately, Sheldon was unable to figure out why. He wasn't making any jokes, so what was so funny? He hated not being abl e to understand something—especially if someone like Wolowitz seemed to be in on it.

So he approached Amy that day in an effort to solve the mystery. "Why," he asked her after explaining the problem, "can't a man put his own wiener in his mouth in peace?"

When his new wife covered her mouth to stifle a snort, he was certain that she would be able to help him. "I really don't think you're that flexible," she deadpanned, before taking pity on his sad, confused face.

"Sheldon," she began, "language… can be complicated. And careful phrasing is essential. Sometimes you can say something that has more than one meaning. For example, 'wiener' is a word for a hot dog, but it is also a colloquialism for male genitalia. So, what you just said could be construed as something, um, a little more risqué than you may have intended."

"Oh. Oh, I see. But that really wasn't what I meant at all."

"There are those among us who can twist even the most innocent of things into something sexually suggestive."

Sheldon's face wrinkled in disgust. "Perverts."

Amy merely shrugged.

After a moment, he added, "When did you become so well-versed in vulgarity anyhow?"

"Well, in 2010, as you'll recall, I began the process of integrating myself with our current social group. I quickly noted, just as you have, that they seemed to find certain things humorous that eluded me. After a few rather... embarrassing misunderstandings, I came to understand that these situations often had a hidden sexual connotation."

She paused then and looked off as if remembering something. "When Penny and Bernadette talked about that waitress friend of theirs, I was so sure that they were talking about the actual Eiffel Tower..." she mumbled to herself. After shaking her head, she continued, "But anyway, I found this lack of knowledge to be egregious, and therefore resolved to learn everything I could on the topic of human sexuality, and to do so with a particular focus on sexually suggestive language."

Allusion, metaphor, and intimation have never been Sheldon's forte. With the possibility of Amy's careful tutelage, however, he started to wonder if perhaps he could come to master these things. After a few moments of contemplation, he became more and more resolute. "It seems that my friends have been brandishing innuendo like a weapon for years. Well, fine. If they insist on crossing swords, I am determined to be the one who comes out on top."

His declaration caused Amy's subtle smile to blossom. "Sheldon, you will excel at this as you do in everything. Of that I have no doubt. I can teach you some basic slang, if you'd like, and we can go over a number of examples."

Sheldon nodded eagerly. He was unwilling to be ignorant on any subject. Tilting her head, Amy suggested, "Perhaps we should begin with the phrases 'crossing swords' and 'coming while on top'. Anyhow, from there, I'd like to propose a little social experiment..."

—

IX.

It has been one week since Sheldon's last visit to Amy's lab. As he enters the door now, Amy is anxious to go over the results of their little plan.

After speaking with him the previous week, Amy was the first to put their experiment into practice. She went to lunch with Penny and Bernadette and let loose on them with a flood of insinuations and seemingly innocent sexual references. Since then things have continued to snowball rapidly out of control, much to her and Sheldon's amusement.

She hastily finishes making one final slide of a temporal lobe, and then snaps off the latex to wash her hands. Sheldon has brought them each a hot dog for lunch, and Amy smiles at the memory of their last conversation here. Just as she had expected, Sheldon has been a quick learner of all things innuendo. A few trial runs on their friends have gone much better than she anticipated, and she can't wait to hear what he thinks of the results.

He helps her clear off a space on her desk and they spread out the paraphernalia associated with lunch. Hot dogs and soda may not seem like romance to most women. Amy, however, is not most women, and she is nothing but thrilled that Sheldon has considerately provided a meal for them both. It does not escape her attention that he chose a food that is reminiscent of last Monday's conversation.

"I must say, Amy, when you proposed this little scheme, I didn't think that I would find it so… pleasurable."

"Indeed. Your friends have made jokes of this sort at your expense for some time now. It's natural that you would enjoy giving them their comeuppance. So, what are your findings?"

Amy is ravenous and eagerly takes a big bite of her lunch. Sheldon has put on just the right condiments. That man really knows what she likes.

"Well, firstly, I've found that some words and phrases illicit a stronger response than others. Additionally, the cumulative impact of repeated insertions of innuendo into everyday situations is particularly effective."

Amy smirks. "You're doing that on purpose now, aren't you?"

Sheldon raises an eyebrow. "Yes ma'am."

They each continue to eat. Amy finishes first and washes down the last of her meal with a mouthful of Sprite. After dabbing at her lips with a napkin, she begins to point out some of her own observations.

"Well, I do agree with your assessment. However, I'd like to point out that overuse of these tools can cause a certain… form of irritation." The scientific seriousness of her voice starts to waver as she continues, "That is to say, we need to be careful not to just shove these things down people's throats."

Sheldon laughs out loud at that. "You're right. I think that we may have aroused their suspicions. They've started to get in there with their own rejoinders. That, by the way, brings me to my next point. Over the course of these trials, I noticed a distinct pattern in the behavior progression of our subjects. At first, they all took great joy in laughing at us. This quickly evolved into stage two, where they appeared to be stunned into silence. In the end, they seemed to have peaked into a state of complete annoyance, causing them to fight back in kind."

"Yes! I found that quite fascinating as well. Somewhat akin to 'the seven stages of grief', in my mind I've taken to thinking of it as 'the three stages of overdone innuendo'."

"I like that. I'll be sure to label the phenomenon accordingly in our report."

He takes a moment to have another nibble of his lunch before adding, "There were one or two other unexpected benefits that I noted as we conducted this experiment."

"Oh?"

"Indeed. You see, Leonard and Penny have now moved out, and I suspect that they have both learned that it is best to knock before entering our apartment."

Amy nods. She is pleased with the increased privacy as well.

Sheldon continues, "Additionally, our friends have not asked any inappropriate or invasive questions about the new aspects of our relationship."

"Sheldon, after the innuendo that we bombarded them with all of last week, I don't think they'll ever dare to bring up such things to you. Not even Howard."

"That's a perfectly satisfying situation to me," he admits.

Sheldon eats at a glacial pace even at the best of times. This conversation has slowed him down even more than usual. He chews slowly and swallows one last time before turning to her, proffering his half-eaten lunch.

"Amy, you still look hungry. Would you care for a taste of my wiener?"

END

Author note:

Whew. I'm spent.

I'm a spoiler free fan and needed some humor to break up this season's drama. There's still a few episodes left this year, so here's to hoping that Santa Sheldon fills Amy's stocking with something special from his sack for Christmas!

The story I am planning next is more of a drama than a comedy (no really, with plot and everything), but I needed to spit this one out first. This story was a fun challenge. I really didn't think I'd be able to keep it up through multiple chapters.

So, was it as good for you as it was for me?