Pain

Before you read this, I would like to say thank you to all who read this. Can I just add that this chapter does get slightly darker, so I'm sorry if this up sets anyone. Without further ado please, read.

Saix P.O.V

I'm tired.

That's the only way I can describe myself now.

I'm tired all the time. I'm tired of this castle. I'm tired of the people in it. I'm tired of mission reports. I'm tired of being second-in-command. I'm tired of having to live in the same place as one. I'm tired of having to pretend that I'm ok.

But I can't, not pretend I'm ok. If I say, it happens to Axel. If I scream it happens to Axel.

There is nothing I can do to stop this.

I just have to take it. Endure all of it.

Look at me I'm a mess. This has been going on for months now, I thought I would be used to this torture. But I'm not I'm never going to get used to this. Fighting only means Axel gets hurt. That can't happen. I can never let that happen to him. Or to anyone else.

I've been sitting and waiting in the grey area for a good half an hour now, just thinking about One.

Just staying here thinking about what's he's done to me. This is all I ever seem to think about. If One isn't ruining me, I spend my days avoiding him. And going over ways to put an end to it. And thinking how many opportunities I have had to put an end to this.

It's all my fault. It has to be.

It's not like I can blame anyone apart from myself.

I feel a tear leave my eye and roll down my face. I feel like I'm going to break.

He has ruined and foiled me 8 times in this week, and it only Thursday. And I haven't stopped him. Maybe I'm protecting Axel. But its so much more than that. I'm just too scared to say.

That's all it is.

I'm terrified of him. That's the truth.

I can't deny that.

My thoughts are then interrupted by II walking into the grey area. Oh, that's why I'm still here. Xigbar still manages to be the last one to receive his mission. He is worse than Demyx when it comes to putting something off. Yet he never gets told off for it.

He walks in with a huge smile on his smug face. Yep just his same old self.

"So Saix where I am I goin' today, and before you give me a lecture, about the importance of bein' here on time. Xemmy wanted to talk to me about 2omething'. So don't go all bitchy on me please."

I still can't stand to hear that name. Even after all of these mouths that name makes me want to throw up. And there has to be no bitching. No none. I found the best way to keep One happy is to make Xigbar happy. That's why his mission is in Pot Royal.

It's just not fair, I bet Xigbar, didn't get treated like this. He was second-in-command, and I can bet that this has never happen to him. I'm just…. Nothing.

I'm pulled from my thoughts as Xigbar is waving his hand in my face.

"Saix… Mission…. Me need." Irritating voice. I shake my head and pass him the mission. I notice myself that I'm not looking directly at him. I just can't do this. But I have to.

His voice then comes up again. It's more of a mutter than anything else.

"Ok then moody, just to let you know Xemnas wants to see you, in your office."

I then snap my head up, and look right into Xigbar's eye. I feel that my eyes have widened and my breathing has increased. It's just the reaction I have now if he wants to see me. He hasn't even said what he wants, but it is enough to scare the shit out of me.

"W-w-what doe-s-s he wa-ant?" I can hear myself stutter, and I hear a sense of panic that has now found its way into my voice. I can also feel that my chest moving up and down at a faster rate than normal. But I don't care I just want and answer.

I can tell that Xigbar, knows that I am uncomfortable. Especially with my sudden change of mood. I shouldn't have done that. Xigbar is going to ask all sorts of questions now! Ok Saix keep calm, he doesn't know. So try to remain as calm as possible.

"He said that you have business to attend to?"

That was it. I don't understand where it came from it just did.

"Please don't make me go" I whispered with my voice breaking as I felt the tears that I have been holding back, free fall down my face. My breathing then become erratic. I can't think I can't focus, all I know is that, I don't want it to happen again. I won't allow it to happen again.

Xigbar stares at me. He must be shocked; I have never acted like this ever.

"Whoa, whoa, dude what's wrong." He says moving closer to me. I gulp, I can't tell him. But I can't go….

I take in more breathes, and cover my face with my hands, to cover up the damage that I'm showing. So much damage. That's all I am, and now that's all I will ever be.

"Xigbar I can't…." I remove my hands from my face and try to look at Xigbar. He looks worried, and now I'm too far gone to pull out. Breathing in deep again, just to calm myself. "It's the Superior."

"Yeah what about him?" Xigbar says soft and calmly. That's not like him at all.

"You can't leave me! Please don't leave me! Not with him!" I'm begging! I'm Begging Xigbar!

Xigbar blinks a few times and looks straight into my red hot eyes, he's probably shocked that I'm begging and crying. "Listen, it's ok, I'm not goin' anywhere. You just need to tell me what the Superior has done, so I can see what I can do to help."

I don't know where it has come from. I don't even think about the consequences on myself, on Axel or even Xigbar for that matter. It just comes out and I don't even know how to stop it.

"He's going to rape me"

I have never admitted that before. Not even to myself. And now that I have, the tears won't stop flowing. "He's going to rape me, Xigbar!" I know I should stop and try to take the whole thing back, but I continue. "And it's been going on for mouths! And there is nothing I can do to stop him!" With that I fall to the floor. It is the best feeling to ever have. I said it. I finally said it.

Xemnas P.O.V

I do like his office.

Its' smaller than mine. But it feels a lot more comfortable, then mine does. And it's odd to think that Xigbar used to have this one. I'm surprised that Saix didn't throw a fit when he became second-in-command, with how messy II can be. But then again, he doesn't tend to raise his voice so often anymore. Probably my fault.

However, I like to keep my puppets quiet. And if I get fun as I am doing so then that's an added bonus.

He disappoints me though.

Thought MY Lunar Diviner should be raving, should be angry, should be powerful and over take any task that I give him. The second most powerful member; in my wonderful Organization. But no he is weak, and pathetic. He can't even defend himself against me! Well, I am the strongest, but now he doesn't even put up a fight. He only ever does when I get bored and mention Axel.

There's no fun in THAT!

However he is a good fuck…. And I'm pretty sure I can't break him, more then I already have. He's beyond helping now. Just the way I want him

Ohhh, I never realised how comfy, this chair is. I might just have to steal it. In fact everything in this room is rather good. Xigbar probably manged to have a deal with Xehanort, so he could have the best stuff. I don't blame him, I know I would do that, in a heartbeat.

Speaking of which Saix better get here soon, there is only so much that Xigbar can cock up, and I hope this isn't one of them.

Just as I start relaxing the door swings open.

I smile at the opened door, hoping it is Saix.

But no to my undermining disappointment, it is Xigbar. Great fucking great.

"How difficult is it to give a message to someone" I comment rhetorically as he approaches the desk, with a scowl on his face. Not like him, but today is a rather odd. I lean back and take in a calm relaxing breath, he probably has the reason that he got lost or something stupid like that. "Or did you forget it, because I thought you had a better memory then that."

He then remains silent.

He's not like this, I was expecting a sarcastic comment. Like 'well at less I can remember the whole of my past life' or 'No way, As if!' or something like that. He does like to squeeze Terra in whenever he can. And there was me thinking he hated the weak hearted.

I sign in return. "Right you seem adamant to make a comment, so I'll ask you. Where is Saix?" I say in a serious tone. I want to have sex with Saix, and if I don't get my own way, someone is going to pay, greatly.

"He's in the Grey area" he stares blankly at me.

I blink at me a few times. Why didn't he do as I fucking asked him? "So… why didn't you send him here?" I can tell that I am losing my temper. But why the bloody hell does he get away with everything. I can't even tell him of, without a possible scolding, when we finally start that bloody war.

Xigbar then walked closer over to the desk and placed both his hands upon the wood. He stared at me. It was a little close to comfort but he's in a very odd mood today.

He then spoke in a low voice. "See the thing is Xem; I gave him your message, and he told me 4omething' that I… I can't take in." He sounds very serious. But the thing is he doesn't scare me, and I know that I don't pose much of a threat either.

"What did he tell you then?" I ask, I don't really care what Saix has to say.

There is a brief moment of silence. Xigbar silent! It is sort of a joke in its self. But whatever this is, I don't think he wants to be joking.

"He told me that you have been… how to put it in nice terms…. sexually attackin' him, and you have been for months." I stare at Xigbar in an annoyed manner. He just broke the bloody rules. No screaming, and no telling. Saix and I are going to have a great chat when he eventually comes to his office.

I look down and develop a smirk on my face. It is one of anger, yes of course. But it is also one of… I don't know… pride. I broke Saix to the brink of telling the most intricate liar that I have ever known, or want to know. And the person who can easily be broken; there is no hope for Saix in this match, that we are more than likely about to have. But Xigbar, he is never going to change my mind, on what I want. And he is never going to win.

I glance up at him and smirk. "And your point is II"

"What?" Xigbar stares silently at me. He probably can't believe what just out of my mouth. "You have been raping Saix! And you have had for months! That's SICK! Complete Sick Xemnas! Why the Bloody hell would you do that? WHY?"

I personally don't care what he has to say, it is my business, not his, and I get whatever I want.

"I will give you 2 reasons." I say very calmly. Just to annoy him a bit more. He may appear, that he can't be annoyed, but he is just as easy to annoy as Saix, if you know what to say. "One. I enjoy it-"

"DO YOU THINK HE DOES!" he screams at me. He is clearly offended by it. But not as offended as I, he cut me off. No one cuts me OFF! I breathe in deep to allow myself to stay calm. But in all fairness, I would probably get the same reaction from any of the other members.

"…allow me to finish. And 2, in case you forget, Xehanort wants US to ensure that his vessels don't betray him. So in a way this is keeping him under our belt."

"Under yours more like." Xigbar snaps back.

I am starting to lose my temper slightly. "Well your clearly disapprove, but I don't give a fuck. So will you be so kind to go and get Saix." I say standing up, showing Xigbar that he may hold all the secrets, some, even from me. But I hold the strings in this organisation, not he.

I hear him laugh before he comments rather sharply for me. "No I'm not goin' to get him, just so you can rape him. No way, AS IF!"

Breathe Xemnas, I know how to get back at him. "Yes you are because if you don't, I know your weakness and I will use it Xigbar." Threating is something that I am good at.

"Go on then, I'm not letting you rape Saix!" driving my patience. I didn't want to use this. I like Xigbar, I do. He helps me remember my past life, and ensures that I'm on track. But when I want something, it is more important that I make him realise his position with in his place. 2nd or 4th whatever he might be, I still over rank the bastard.

"Ok then, as you so want to disrespect me my wishes, I am going to say this, but mind you Xigbar I am only going to say this once. If you do not allow me to do what I want with Saix, this one last time, and you don't go on your mission. Then… I will move on to someone else…. And turn them into a vessel…"

He doesn't move or seemed bothered by this, but I will make him be bothered.

"… and by that I mean to use 6 and use the same method that I am using with 7. Are we clear 2?" his face then drops.

I know that Xaldin, Vexen, Lexaeus and Zexion are his weakness. I've always known, and so has Xehanort for that matter. But he will never let on, that he holds on to them, with the last bit of light he has got. They are his family, and with my power I can break them up. I can break him, to pieces. And if using Zexion is something I have to do to get what I want, I will use him.

And I WILL use Zexion against Xigbar!

Xigbar P.O.V

I'm gunna remember this for the rest of my non-existence, and Xehanorted life. I shouldn't lie to Saix but I can't put Zexy through that. He's only a kid, for fuck sake, he is at least 5 years younger than Saix. Even though I can swear that they were in the same year at school. That's either because Zexion is too smart, or Saix is thick. Makin' the first option a lot more believable.

But… can I really put him through this pain again? Knowin' that I could prevent it? Helpin' some else and hinderin' another? Is it worth it? Are they really both worth my time?

Zexion….

He's Braig's nephew, and Dilan's and Aeleus' as well. Not to mention he is Even's son. I gotta protect him. He's 6omethi' to do with me, but I haveta protect him, for those reasons though. And those reasons only.

I mean I was there on the day he was born! The little tike just cried and cried. Bright blue eyes and he had little tuffs of steel blue 6ometh' on top of his head. He was an innocent little thing… he still kind of is, I mean if you take away the part where he could trap you in an 6omething6g' illusion. But he is innocent, in some kind of way….

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN!

Zexion is not Ienzo and you are not Braig. I am Xigbar. No feelin's, no friends, just I' on and completin' Kingdom Hearts, and whatever the bloody hell Xehanort wants. Just get to the war with our 13 vessel. Poof, zip, narda! That's all I have to do, and I shouldn't allow things like Zexion to distract me. Saix shouldn't even be a distraction, he is even lucky I am considerin' helpin' him out. As he practically annoyed the fuck out of me every fuckin' day as somebodies. As if, I would ever help him out, let only anyone else really. I just ain't that guy anymore. Like I was ever like that guy to begin with anyway.

Xehanort wouldn't like me over thinkin' things.

But Zexion is only like what? 15 years old.

Xemnas even suggestin' that, is sick. He is sick and twisted, just like Xehanort. Terra would never do this and yet, Xehanort is still 6omething6g' all the strings of his nobody and heartless. And there ani't a thing that little chicken heart can do about it, or me for that matter.

There's got to be away out of this, shit hole.

I walk into the grey area, and I still haven't made up my mind of what to do!

I honestly hope that lookin' at Saix won't hinder what I should do. I should put an end to this. Xemnas doesn't need to attack him anymore, he doesn't need to hurt him physically or mentally, he doesn't need to torture him. So why don't he stop.

I'll tell ya why. He is a psychopath! That is the only way I can describe him. And I have known both of his somebodies!

I glance at Saix as I step towards his limp and scared structure. He is still on the floor, probably half scared of what is gunna happen. I can't blame the poor sod. I mean anyone would be scared in his situation. When I do, eventually, catch eye contact with him, I notice that is hair is stuck to his face, from all the tears that has poured out of his eyes. His eyes are red, which in all fairness really make him look more terrifyin' than usual. I mean sharp gold and glowin' red, really make him look like a rabid dog. But beneath all that there's 7omething' else. His eyes look broken. He looks lost and scare, and that he has lost everythin'. Nothin' in this world or other's matter anymore.

Well done Xemmy! You have done what the old coot has asked for. Makin' them believe they have 7omethi' left and there is no way out. Good goin'.

I can't even think what to say… me speechless! As if. "Saix…" it sort of feels dry to say his name. I mean I don't care I shouldn't and I am not gunna. Cause he is 7omethi' but a little puppet for Xehanort, now.

He suddenly stands up and breathes in deep again. I can tell that he is uncomfortable bein' in the same room as me. Or he is probably wonderin' what Xemnas said. This is the time to make my decision. Help Saix or save Zexy.

Then it hit me.

Just lookin' at Saix. Seein' the damage, the despair, the pure torture that he has been through, has killed him. He's not Isa, and he certainly isn't Saix. He is an empty husk. The thing I need in order to keep mister master on me good side. The thing that Xemnas needs, just to allow this war to continue. But that isn't enough to make me want to put him through pain again.

But this is….. how Zexion will end up.

I know I shouldn't and I shouldn't even be usin' Braig's memories but… he's my nephew. The little boy that lost his mum and dad at 3 years old. Raven and Greg. They were a funny pair. Both working with Evs', in the boring lab. Both crazy about science and workin hard. Zexy really did share a lot of their traits. But he held more traits of Even then he did those two. Just from the way he complicated things, and makin' sure I can't understand what he is sayin'. Right down to the way he sometimes walked. He was Even or Vexen's kid. He still is. And as Even, Dilan, Aeleus were the first people Braig truly cared about, he was his nephew. He is still my nephew.

And I can't bare the fact he could go though this.

It's not right Saix shouldn't have to do this. But Xemnas said one last time. A little white lie never destroyed a world, or anthin' like that.

Wait a minute… Radiant Garden's fall, was partly my fault… and I lied… So ya let's not use that as an example.

But I can't put Zexion through that. I won't put Ienzo this.

"… listen, I know ya scared, but…. Mate you have to go" I didn't want to look at him as his face dropped in despair. His chested moved up and down at a fasted paced as he wiped his eyes and cheeks. I didn't want to do that, but Zexion is more important to me. Saix is 7omethi' and will always be 7omethi' to me. But that feelin' of regret plays at the back of mind as I notice that he is cryin' again.

I can't make this better. It is a nightmare for him. And it has killed the last bit of light left in him. But Xemnas promised me it was only goin' to be one more time. Maybe that will comfort him, but I highly doubt it will.

"Saix he said, one more time just one more." I am sayin' in the nicest way possible.

Saix then glares at me with those rabid eyes full of hate, anger, terror, and paranoia. He is scared and I am the only who is gunna have to live with this lie not he. "Xigbar, I can't do it….. I just can't!

There is then something that rushes through my veins. If he don't go Zexy gets it. He has to go I will make him go. He maybe 20 but Zexy is 15. I will not allow this to happen to him. Xaldin, Vexen and Lexaeus would never forgive me if I did. Never mind them, I would never forgive myself. Xehanort will never let me forget it either. Actually either way, I'm in the old coots bad books. One: Cause I am showin' emotions, and helpin' Zexion. Or the latter, as he would never let me forget the pain Zexy would go though.

"Saix… He don't care what you want. I have told him this is wrong, and he don't care. If you go now, he promised to put an end to this. You want have to go through this anymore. But if you don't go, imagine what he could do to you…. Or Axel." Even though that might be mean, it was the only way I can think to get him there. Axel is his weak spot, and unfortunately, 3,4,5 and 6 are mine.

WHAT AM I SAYIN!

AM I TRYIN TO HAND MY DEATH ON A PLATE TO THAT CRAY OLD DUDE!

I look at Saix who isn't looking at me, but is nodding his head. He knows that Xemnas will probably try and get back at him, though Axel. But equally I know that Zexion will get it. Is it worth putting 3 people though this pain?

I don't think so….

"Xigbar…" Saix speaks. I give him a look of concern, just to try and show the sap some confidence. However I have to owe him 8omething' after all he is takin' this for Zexion. "You promise this is over, after this?"

I nod. I bloody well hope it is anyway.

To be Continued…..