Bruce knows he shouldn't do it. Maybe he can argue that he doesn't know if Damian would follow through with it — but, well, it was Damian, so of course he would.

Deep down (not as deep as he liked to pretend), Bruce knows this — and secretly, he's very happy about it.

But Damian is staring at him, with his usual serious, solemn eyes, and asking about the best way to gain "that clone's" affections, and Bruce can't hold himself back.

Bruce wasn't an idiot (far from it, he thinks proudly) — he knows that mysterious purchases had been made on his account. A hundred red roses, sent to Smallville…and now this? It's obvious that Damian is serious about this. If it were any other ten year old, Bruce would dismiss it — but it's Damian, and the boy rarely stops until he gets what he wants.

Bruce will be damned if he allows that clone to delude another one of his sons.

(He completely ignores the fact that it is highly unlikely Kon reciprocates these feelings. No — Bruce, for all his great detective skills, is preoccupied with his role as an overprotective father).

So, while Damian stands impatiently, waiting for an answer, Bruce responds as any overprotective father would:

"Send him some kryptonite."

Of course, the moment those words leave his mouth, Bruce realises that maybe this isn't the best idea. After all, sending Kryptonite to innocent (not in his books) Kryptonians probably isn't appropriate. And Clark probably won't talk to him for months (which really isn't such a bad thing), and Tim will probably move out (which is a bad thing).

So instead, he quickly amends his statement: "Actually, that might be taking it a step too far. Just…send him a note saying that you will be sending him Kryptonite, once your relationship progresses."

There — he's protecting his sons virtue, and refraining from threatening Kon with bodily harm. Who ever said that Batman wasn't nice?

When Damian stares at him in confusion, asking him why on earth that would work, Bruce tells him that it's a Kryptonian tradition. Later on, when Damian leaves, and he sits alone in his office, he wonders if he should feel guilty for manipulating his son.

…Nah.

…

When the phone rings, Tim anticipates more bad news. He's seen Damian, and the demon brat looks far too cheerful. A happy Damian is never a good thing.

He answers the phone, and is immediately greeted by Kon's distressed wail.

"Tim!" his boyfriend cries, "he's going to send me Kryptonite. Kryptonite!"

Tim blinks. "Um, what?" he asks, because Kon can't be talking about Damian, right?

"Damian!" Kon sobs, and Tim bites back a moan. Oh god, of course it was Damian.

"Why would he want to send you kryptonite?" Tim splutters.

"Maybe because I rejected him, and now he wants to kill me?!" Kon wails. "And listen to this — 'Dear Clone. My feelings for you are as strong as ever, and to prove that to you, I will soon be sending you Kryptonite. This gift shall be a testament to my everlasting devotion. From Tim.'"

Tim's eyes widen.

"He pretended to be you!" Kon's breathing picks up. "Only, it's obviously him because who else calls me 'clone', and nobody else fucking talks like that!"

"…Wow." Tim manages, because he's trying to wrap his head around Damian pretending to be him, and — threatening to send Kon kryptonite?

Why the hell does Damian even care?!

"Tim!" Kon moans, "he isn't actually going to send me Kryptonite, is he?"

Tim frowns.

"Tim?!"

"…Of course not," he says at last. "The Kryptonite's in the Batcave, and Bruce would never let him have it."

(Oh, if only he knew).

…

"It isn't working," Damian growls, glaring furiously.

Colin's brow furrow slightly. "The love letter didn't work?"

"No," Damian replies glumly. "I was certain it would — I even took Father's advice, and included that ridiculous alien tradition."

"Are you sure your dad was right about that?" Colin asks, frowning. "I mean, why would they give their boyfriends and girlfriends stuff that could hurt them?"

Damian shrugs. "They are a strange, uncivilised species," he replies. "I'm sure it makes sense to them."

"I think Superman is cool," Colin argues.

Damian stares at him for a moment, and then goes back to scowling.

…

After almost an hour of brainstorming, Damian realises that he has absolutely no idea what they are doing. Fixing Drake's relationship, he decides, it the equivalent of turning Todd into a sane, upstanding citizen.

(Basically — it's impossible).

"Why do I even bother, Colin?" he moans. "I was a fool to think that Drake could save this family from red-headed damnation."

Colin touches his hair self-consciously.

Damian sits up. "I give up," he announces miserably. "What's the point in fighting it, if it will hunt me down anyway? Colin, from this day forth, we shall be boyfriends."

Colin blinks, and says, "okay." It's rather anti-climatic, but neither him, nor Damian, seem to notice.

"Would you like some time to mourn the loss of your former life?" Damian asks seriously.

Colin shakes his head. "No thanks. And since we're dating, do you want to go and watch that new alien movie? I hear that's what couples do."

"Alright," Damian replies, because he supposes that this is his life now.

Colin beams, and Damian decides that it could have been a lot worse. After all — just look at the maniacs that his siblings are attached to.

…

Half way through the movie, Damian realises that there is some hope left. He also realises that, since that 'hope' is Todd, he really shouldn't put too much faith in it. Either way, he's resigned himself to his fate, so he tells himself that he won't be too disappointed if Todd proves to be his normal, useless self.

He heads over to Todd's apartment, after saying goodbye to Colin. Todd thinks that his home is safe form the prying eyes of the family, and Damian decides that he's even more of an idiot for thinking that. After all, Richard Grayson is their brother — does Todd really think that Grayson wouldn't keep tabs on his younger siblings?

For once, Damian isn't cursing Grayson's peculiarities, because now he can confront Todd, and demand information on how to save Drake's crumbling relationship.

Damian knows that Todd is a complete idiot — more of an idiot than Grayson, and that's saying something (not more of an idiot that Drake though, because no one can be worse than Drake). However, the man has somehow managed to maintain a relationship with two individuals, so Damian supposes that he must know something about romantic attachments.

(Of course, the other two thirds of this relationship consist of Harper and the alien harlot, so he shouldn't be giving Todd too much credit).

…

Jason is grinning on the inside. He's grinning really widely, because in this moment he realises that Damian is his favourite brother ever. Sure, that's not saying much, since his other brothers are Dickhead and Replacement, but — well, he's only realising now just how gullible Damian is.

And gullible little birds are great for wreaking havoc with.

The brat manages to explain the situation to him — something about curses, and red-heads, and Replacement's fucked-up love life — and Jason really doesn't care. What he does care about is that Damian is ten, and knows jack-shit about relationships.

In other words, Jason is ready to fuck-up the kids perspective of the world even more so than it already is.

"So you want to get Replacement and his boyfriend back together, huh?" he asks nonchalantly.

"Yes," Damian replies, his eyes narrowing. "I already said that, Todd."

"Hmm, so you did." Jason bites back a smirk — oh, this is too good. "Well, I'll tell you what kid — I have just the thing to bring those two lovebirds back together."

He disappears, and then comes back a moment later, with box of sheer goodness clutched in his hands. He tosses it to Damian, who stares at it blankly.

This time Jason does grin, because holding it back just isn't possible anymore. "Those," he says, "are wonderful things that allow you to express your love for someone. We call them 'condoms'."

Damian stares blankly.

"…If these are so brilliant," he says at last, "then why didn't Father or Grayson mention them?"

Jason almost breaks down laughing at the thought of Bruce giving his ten year old son a box of condoms.

"Oh, they aren't something many people know about," Jason replies, waving his hand dismissively. "Trust me kid — this is Replacement we're talking about. If you want to fix that relationship, it's going to take some serious work, and I know what I'm doing."

Jason see's resignation in the kid's eyes, and he knows that he has this in the bag.

And, because he can't resist, he throws the kid a pair of handcuffs (he'll explain it to Roy and Kory later on — they'll understand. After all, opportunities to destroy Replacement's mental stability don't come around often).

"Why on Earth would I send him handcuffs, you fool?" Damian splutters.

Jason shrugs. "Because, Baby Bat, these are a sign of…your undying affection! You know, a symbol to show that you'll always be…connected to a person, no matter what."

Oh yeah — he was the master of improvisation.

Damian stares thoughtfully, before shrugging. "I suppose you know what you're talking about," he says at last. "You are in a relationships with two individuals, after all."

Jason frowns. "Well, I wouldn't call it a relationship…more of a friends with benefits thing."

Damian nods. "Ah," he says, "so, like Colin and I."

Um, what? "…No, kid," Jason replies slowly, "not like you and…Colin."

"Don't be an idiot Todd," Damian snaps, scowling. "Of course Colin and I are friends with benefits. We are friends, and we have the benefit of being able to fight crime together."

Jason stares at him for a long moment, and then decides, 'what the hell' — if that was what Damian wanted to believe, then he'd be the indulgent big brother and let him believe it.

"…Okay fine, you're friends with benefits," he says. "Just say that to Bruce, okay? Please?"

…

When Kon wakes up, there's a parcel sitting on the table. The moment he sees it, he knows that something bad is coming, and he has the urge to run upstairs, and hide in his bedroom, and never come out.

(Or maybe he'll go into hiding — he's sure Kara would sneak him food and money from time to time).

But he's Superboy, and he's supposed to be brave and strong — at least that's what he tells himself — so he opens the package.

And then he screams. Loudly (but in a totally manly fashion, he'll later insist).

He then takes off, flying frantically to Gotham, without even bothering to change out of his pyjamas.

…

The moment Tim hears the frantic knocks on the door, he knows that Damian has broken Kon (and he knows it's Kon, because after the second knock, the door caves in — if Bruce doesn't kill them, Alfred sure will).

"Tim!" Kon wails, flying inside. Tim takes a moment to process the fact that his boyfriend is wearing pyjamas — has he forgotten the existence of secret identities? — before there are hands grasping him from either side, shaking him frantically.

"Something really bad is happening, Tim!" Kon is saying, his eyes wide with panic. "He — it — those things, he sent, and — and — oh my god, they were just sitting there, and I had no idea, and oh my god, Tim — "

Tim's main focus should probably be calming Kon down, and working out what the hell he is on about. However, it's been ages since he last saw his boyfriend, and Kon's face is millimetres away from his. Therefore, he really can't be blamed for what he does next.

He kisses Kon.

Kon seems to forget his mental breakdown for a few brief moments, and kisses back enthusiastically — then, the fact that he is mentally imploding once again hits him, and he jerks back, letting out a series of choking noises.

"Not the time!" he cries. "I need to — your brother — handcuffs Tim, and, oh god, condoms, and — oh my fucking god, he's standing over there!"

Kon starts to flail wildly, and Tim follows his line of sight. His eyes widen when he catches sight of Damian, who standing at the base of the staircase and smiling proudly.

Kon staggers backwards, dragging Tim with him.

"Ah," Damian says, looking immensely pleased. Tim has no idea why, and that terrifies him. "I see my brilliant plan has worked. You may thank me."

"You sent me condoms!" Kon shrieks (yes, shrieks). "And — handcuffs! Which have obviously been used, by the way, so I have no idea where the fuck you got them — "

Tim's brain shuts down, because — what?!

"My brilliant plan has worked," Damian repeats. "Now that you two are once again exchanging saliva, the red-headed curse has been broken. This was, of course, all due to my excellent knowledge in the field of romance."

"What are you talking about?!" Kon demands hysterically. "Tim, what is your psycho brother talking about?!"

All Tim can process is, 'condoms, handcuffs, WHAT?!'

"I think it would be best if you two were to marry," Damian continues, his tone calm and serious, as if he were talking about the weather — which he obviously fucking isn't. "Then we can avoid such debacles in the future. As Drake's company is obviously painful to endure, I fear that only a binding commitment, such as marriage, can keep the two of you together." He turns to Kon — poor, terrified Kon — and directs his next statement at him. "Some day Drake will grow fat, and even more irritating than he is now, and I wouldn't blame you for leaving him for a more youthful partner. A model, perhaps — brainless imbeciles seem to be your type. Take Drake, for instance."

"Oh my god, shut up," Kon moans.

"Very well then," Damian says, nodding, "I will be leaving now. If you have any other issues, make sure to inform me. Or Todd — he's surprisingly good at this." He stares at them thoughtfully for a moment, and then adds, "and use what I sent you — Todd tells me they are excellent for expressing one's love."

Tim twitches, Kon whimpers, and Damian (thank god) leaves the room.

…

"So I guess we should stop being boyfriends now, huh?" Colin asks. He and Damian are sitting on Damian's bed, discussing the day's events.

Damian stares at him for a moment, and then shrugs. "I see no reason why we should end our current arrangement," he says. There is a hint of nervousness in his voice, and he hurries on, hoping to disguise it. "As long as it does not interfere with our current interactions, or disrupt our work as Robin and Abuse, that is."

Colin considers this, and nods.

"Excellent," Damian replies, feeling calmer. "And we shall cease referring to each other as 'boy' friends — I am more of a man than any of my idiotic brothers. I much prefer the term 'partner'."

Colin smiles. "Agreed."

Damian's lips quirk slightly. "And do you have any conditions, Colin?" he asks.

Colin cocks his head to the side, his brow furrowing slightly. "Well…" he hesitates. "I guess it'd be nice if you could tell your dad not to, you know…kill me or anything."

Damian nods immediately, and stands up. "I suppose that could be arranged," he replies. He leaves the room, as Colin looks on with curiosity, and makes his way to his father's study.

"Father!" he yells, walking into the room, without even bothering to knock. Bruce looks up, and opens his mouth to reprimand his son. Damian hurries on before his father has a chance to continue.

"I'd like to inform you that I am now in a relationship with Colin Wilkes," he says briskly. "If you interfere, I'll be forced to disown you as my father, and shall never speak to you again."

Bruce's mouth opens and closes a few times. Damian nods, pleased, and leaves the study. He walks back to his room, and comes to a stop in front of his bed.

"Shall we take Titus for a walk?" he inquires.

Colin nods, beaming.

…

"Oh my god, put that away!" Barbara hisses, glaring at Dick. She's starting to feel incredibly uncomfortable, crouched in this small corner, but her boyfriend doesn't seem to notice.

"Oh my god!" Dick exclaims, beaming in that special way he reserves for his younger siblings. "Damian, and his little boyfriend, and — and — so cute!"

"Put the camera away before he sees!" Barbara says, glaring at the offending object. "And you do realise that we're supposed to be on a date right now, don't you?"