Into the Sun

You smile wanly as your son runs around the soccer field with his team mates. They've just won their game and they need to get rid of their excitement and excess energy before you even attempt to herd four of them into your car for the journey back to Queens. Out of habit you cast a look at the people hanging about the park where the children are playing. You don't notice anything or anyone out of place. A few other parents waiting for a few of the other straggling kids but no one who shouldn't be is paying too much attention to the children.

The sun beats down on you and you're glad you slathered your youngest in sun screen and made him reapply between games. The children fade into the background and you focus on the other sounds in the park. It's been a long time since you've been here and you're surprised nothing has changed. Even with all the people around there's a certain tranquility that surrounds everyone in the park and it's a stark contrast of the hectic traffic which lays beyond the tree border.

A smile unwittingly forms on your face as you turn your head to take in the rest of the park, wanting to bask in the calmness for a little longer before you're trapped in a stiflingly warm car with your son and three of his hyperactive friends. Your eyes drift,taking in the pound but your focus doesn't linger as your attention is drawn to the playground on the other side of it.

A young boy, no more than two, throws his head back as he laughs at the woman in front of him, who you presume is his mother. Her hand reaches forward and tickles him, causing him to laugh harder. Your smile grows and your heart twinges. You miss your own kids being that young and carefree when everything is still new and fun. You wouldn't trade anything for the people they have become but you miss guiding them to be that person. You miss how their hug or laugh would make everything better when you doubted anything could.

You tilt your head to the side when the woman rises from her crouch and grabs a sippy cup from the stroller at the side of the swing. The boy accepts it eagerly and drinks steadily for several seconds before giving it back to his mother. You take the chance to watch her as she tucks the cup away. Her face is obscured by her hair falling in front of it but she's familiar to you and you inwardly chastise yourself for not noticing it sooner. You watch her fiddle with something on the stroller as it dawns on you. Panic seizes your heart and the next thirty seconds is hell as you wait with baited breath for her to turn in your direction, but then you're terrified she will see you too. You can't see her face but you KNOW it's her. You say a quick prayer, hoping you're wrong.

She finally faces you and you exhale quickly, your body sagging. It's not from relief, it's more from surrender to the quick change in situation. Suddenly you feel like an unintentional voyeur rather than an innocent observer. You want to turn and look away but you can't. You feel like you're invading her privacy when and you want to apologise. You're curious about what you've missed in her life. There was a time when you wanted her out of your life despite the strange affinity you felt for her. There was a time when you hated her and the times she interfered with your marriage, saving it when you didn't want it to be saved. You never really understood that when she obviously had a connection with your husband that you would never have. In the end, after it was done and Elliot left the force, you missed her and her well intended meddling.

Her hair is longer than you ever remember it being and you're only slightly envious of the natural curl forming. You've always held onto a little jealousy of her bravery when it comes to changing her hair style. You've always kept yours long, having never felt the need to change it because everyone used to compliment you on it. She looks good. And happy.

Your eyes drop back to the young child in the swing. A mop of dark hair which threatens to cover those big blue eyes which concentrate on his mother as she crouches in front of his swing to explain something to him. He could have been theirs. In another life he would have been.

You hold onto your own little bubble of guilt over that but then you remember meeting her in this very park and all but giving your permission for her to explore whatever it was between them.

You wonder if she has found someone and settled down. Elliot never mentioned anything about Olivia wanting children and he certainly never mentioned any boyfriends and you were never comfortable with your relationship to ask, but you knew she was great with them and your own adored her when growing up. You regret that your youngest has forgotten the woman who helped bring him into the world.

Olivia holds out her arms to the little boy who shakes his head and pulls on the chains to convince her to push him more. But she shakes her head and lifts him out anyway. He gives an indignant cry and points at the swing as she struggles to put him in the stroller. This is one part you don't miss about parenting even though sometimes you still have to put up with a sulking Eli.

Olivia manages to avert a full blown tantrum by giving the boy a toy to play with. She checks the stroller before releasing the brake. Just as she's about to leave she turns and meets your eyes. You're caught with nowhere to hide. A lump forms in your throat as you don't know how to react. You hold her gaze and you find it impossible to read her reaction to your intrusion on a moment with her son.

Maybe it's because she didn't just have a connection with Elliot but with you as well but you don't want her to think you were spying on her intentionally. You don't realise your hand is shaking till you lift it in a simple gesture. She doesn't return it and her eyes dart around expectantly, out of hope, out of worry. You lower your hand and shake your head. He's not here and you won't tell him about this. You won't interfere with them, though there were times when you wanted to, times Elliot needed you to and never let you.

"Who's that Mom?" Eli asks as he comes up behind you. You hold Olivia's gaze as you lift your hand again and stroke it through Eli's damp sweaty hair to draw him into a side hug, more for you than him. He must sense your anxiety because he doesn't push you away like he normally does in front of his friends.

"Just someone I used to know," you say quietly