Summary: Penguin's family comes to visit. Gotham is so not prepared for that.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. DC and Fox own Gotham. Someone else owns The Addams Family.

AN: So, I saw Addams Family Values the other night and saw that the lady who played Granny is the same woman who plays Penguin's mom on Gotham. Thus, this was born. I'm sorry. So sorry. Set in the Addams Family movie-verse.

A few years ago, when Oswald Cobblepot came to work for Fish, Butch remembered having to dig into past. Standard stuff, really. In their line of work, you could never be too careful, and there was no way that Fish was letting anyone who might have loyalties to anyone else work for her. He remembered looking up all sort of stuff about the strange little man, from who his mom and dad were to his high school classmates to who lived next door to him when he was nine. The guy was too eager, Butch and Fish had both seen it even as he bowed his head and made promises to only serve her and the family. But they never found anything on him, so she had welcomed him into the fold and went about breaking him down to what she wanted.

In retrospect, they should have looked harder.

Or just killed him when he waddled his way into her parlor.

Too late for that, though. Too late and too long ago for changing things. Now, Butch was his man, no matter how much he hated it.

That was something to ponder later, though. Right now, Butch had other things to worry about: namely the strange man with a mad grin and sword who just burst through his boss's parlor door.

One of the newbies was the closet to the newcomer and was reaching for his gun just as the man stomped inside. The kid barely had time to draw his weapon before the man gave a laugh and used the freaking sword to slap the kid's hand. The gun went off, shooting a hole into the wall, as the man laugh.

"Oh, nice try," he grinned before preforming the fanciest and fastest sword work Butch had ever seen. He really couldn't describe exactly what happened, mainly due to the fact that it happened so fast but also because it seemed like it defied the very laws of physics. All he did know was that by the time the guy finished, the kids was groaning, somehow turned upside down, and pinned to wall with the sword by the short pants.

They would need to see about hiring better help if a freaking guy with a sword could get all the way in here.

The guy laugh, like this was the most fun he had in years and had not just broken into the self-proclaimed King of Gotham's domain. Already sick of this guy, Butch reached for his own gun when Penguin held up his hand in a stay position. Now that Butch was looking at him, he could see the amused (almost happy) smirk on his boss's face. Before Butch or Cat, who was sitting shell-shocked in the corner of the room, could say anything, Penguin jumped up from his seat and approached the stranger.

"Gomez!" he grinned.

"Cousin Oswald," the man – Gomez – replied before wrapping both his hands around Penguin's offered one and giving it a hardy, friendly shake. "Good so see you, Old Man."

Just as the two were greeting one another, a troop of oddities came filling in the still opened door. A woman in a skin-tight black dress and carrying a baby with an honest to god mustache carefully stepped towards them. She was beautiful in a macabre kind of way. Not someone that Butch would bother that was for sure. Not because he didn't think that he could take her, but because she looked like the type that would have weirdo kind of friends of relatives that hunt you down and bury you alive while you screamed for daring to touch her. Considering the fond way Penguin was smiling at her, he was right.

"Morticia," Penguin said as he took her daintily held out hand. Butch half expected him to kiss it, but Penguin instead pulled her closer and did that touching-cheeks, air-kiss thing. "It's been too long."

"Hello, Cousin Oswald," she replied lightly.

Two children were the next to file in through the door: a pudgy boy with a round simple face and a girl in all black and pigtails and so pale that Butch wondered if she had even seen the sun this week.

They were followed closely by an old woman who looked like she living in a gingerbread house on the edge of the woods somewhere. Penguin focused in on the old woman first with that same fond look that he gave Morticia. Now that Butch was looking at her there was something oddly familiar about her.

"Aunt Eudora," Penguin said in that same tone that he often used with his mother.

"Hello, Oswald, darling," she said as she gave his cheeks a small pat. "You look tired. Have you not been sleeping well?"

"Well, you know. Criminal empires don't run themselves." Penguin smiled in that funny little way like kid when they've done something naughty but knew whoever they were talking to would think it was cute.

"Of course not, dear," Eudora replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Why, the executions alone must keep you busy for hours on end. I know it did for your Great-Uncle Cyrus. Ha, what that man could do with a butch knife. And you should have seen the kind of loyalty he had from his men when he bought his first chainsaw."

She sighed pleasantly.

"Big shoes to fill, I know," Penguin agreed. "But we can talk about that later. Mother will be so glad to see you."

The kid who was still pinned to the walk groaned slightly as Penguin turned to attention to him.

"Barnes," he hissed. "Stop fooling around and show dear Aunt Eudora to my mother's room."

The kid floundered a minute as he tried in vain to disconnect himself from the wall. When that didn't work, Gomez (who had lit a cigar at some point) said, "Oh, allow me."

Before the kid could brace himself, Gomez pulled the sword out. The kid fell onto the floor, hard, with a groan but didn't allow himself to much time to recover before jumping to his feet. Like a good underling, he ran to the door and waited for the weird old woman before escorting her out.

Penguin then turned his attention back Morticia and Gomez. The former used her free hand to motion the two children forward and said, "You remember our children, Wednesday and Pugsley."

"I haven't seen the two of you since Fester's ball. You've gotten taller." He focused directly on Pugsley and said, "And wider."

"Thank you," the two said in unison.

Morticia smiled fondly as she presented the baby. "And this is our youngest, Pubert."

Butch glanced over at Cat, who was staring back at him with the same 'who the hell are these people' look that he knew he had on his face, and mouthed, 'Pubert?' All she could do was shrug in response.

Penguin just laughed however. "Oh, Morticia. You always did have a way with names."

She smiled happily in response.

The girl, who Butch assumed was named Wednesday – but considering they named their son Pubert he couldn't be certain – stepped forward and asked, "May we go and play, Mother?"

"Please," the boy added.

Morticia appeared as if she were about tell the children no when Penguin said, "That's a wonderful idea. It'll give us grownups a chance to catch up."

"I suppose," Morticia said with a small shrug before handing over the baby to Wednesday. "But play nice with Cousin Oswald's men."

There was something utterly unsettling in the way that they replied together, "We will."

"Oh, take Cat with you," Penguin said.

"Really?" Selina said with a raised eyebrow. "You want me to go 'play'?"

Penguin narrowed his own eyes at her in a clear warning to do as he says. With a over-dramatic, full body eye roll, Cat untangled herself and slid slightly to the floor. Butch caught the look on Pugsley's face when he got a good look at her for the first time, and had to keep in his laugh. It's not often you get to see the exact moment a kid forms a crush, but it wasn't like the kid did anything to hide it. Judging by the way Cat hesitated for just a moment as she approached them, she must have seen it too, but she chose to ignore it.

"Come on," she said as she lead them to the door.

"I already know a game we could play," Wednesday said in an eerily monotone way. "It's called 'How Many Lives Do Cats Really Have.'"

Selina's eyes narrowed back at her. "I've got one too. It's called 'Sunday' because that's the day of next week I'm knocking you into if you try."

As the girls disappeared out the door, Pugsley sighed, "Cara mia."

Gomez and Morticia shared a happy smile as he too left.

"Oh, Gomez," Morticia said. "Our little boy has a crush."

"I know, Tish," he replied. "That girl is going to torture him. Be cruel, just because she can. Toy with him. Play with his feelings and crush his heart beneath the heel of her boot as one would an ant."

Taking the cigar from his mouth, he sighed, "Ah, to be that young and in love again."

Penguin laughed a little, as if what they had just said was actually funny, and stepped back towards his table. "Come, come. Sit. Let's catch up. Butch!"

Butch cringed a little and straightened up. "Yes, sir."

"Get us some drinks," he said.

With a short nod, Butch went to the small bar that was set up in the corner and began to pour. He didn't really know what Gomez and Morticia would want, so he just poured them the same drink that he did for the Penguin. How he wished he could spit into that liquor, but even that wasn't allowed.

"So," he heard Penguin say, "what brings you to Gotham? I would have sent someone to meet you if you told me you were coming into town."

"Last minute thing, I'm afraid," Morticia said. She smiled politely as Butch placed her drink in front of her before turning her attention back to Penguin. "You remember Gomez's brother, Fester."

Penguin chuckled. "He's a man that is kind of hard to forget. Mother said that he had gotten married."

"Yes, to a woman named Debbie." Morticia gave an almost sad little shake of her head. "Turns out that she was different than we thought. She was a manipulative, deceitful psychopathic seductress who would do anything to get her hands on Fester's money, and tried kill us all."

Taking a drink, Penguin said, "Really?"

"Oh, I know. She should have been perfect for him," Morticia said sadly. "Alas, it wasn't meant to be. But it's all for the best. Fester has a new lady in his life. She lives here in Gotham, and he thought to visit her this weekend while the asylum is still allowing her such privileges."

"We hope you don't mind us dropping by," Gomez said.

"Of course not," Penguin replied. "It's good to see family. Besides, it'll give me a chance to take you around and watch as people fall over themselves to try and please me. I'm infamous around here now, you know."

"Oh, Oswald," Morticia giggled. "You always were such a schemer."

Before Penguin could reply, something exploded from down the hall. Butch jumped for his gun again but stopped when the faint sounds of arguing children could be heard in its wake. As another, small explosion shook the room, Morticia stood from her seat, which caused the two men to get to their feet.

"Perhaps I should go check on them," she said, but Penguin was already shaking his head.

"Don't trouble yourself. Butch," he snapped, "go see what the kids are up to."

"Yes, boss," Butch replied, partly because it was an order but also because these people were just too weird and he wanted to get away.

Upon entering the hallway, he made a sharp turn to his left and followed the arguing voices and faint smell of smoke. There were a few men milling about intent on finding out what was going on, but Butch waved them off. Of course, they were confused, but he didn't have time to explain to them that it was just the boss's weird ass family.

Just as he reached the door where he could hear the arguing coming from, he heard Cat yell, "Put that down!"

A moment later, another explosion rocked the house's very foundation and the double doors flew opened as Pugsley was thrown threw them. He hit ground hard and slid a little before finally coming to stop. There was a distinct singed look about him, with his hair slightly fried at the ends and a bit of soot smudging his face. When he sat up, he gave a small cough which produced and honest to god puff of smoke.

"You okay?" Butch asked as he knelt next to the boy.

That same look of utter wonder was on his face when he turned to him and said, "I'm going to marry that girl."

Butch frowned. "She'd claw your eyes out, kid."

Hope lit up his face. "You really think so?"

Normally, Butch would try and keep from sighing or pinching the bridge of his nose, but this was too much. These people were just too weird.

As he helped the kid to his feet, he wondered how exactly he had missed this in Penguin's background check from so long ago and vowed that next time they looked into someone past, they do a way more thorough job.