A/N: This is an AU Fan-Fiction. I wrote this months ago. This story takes the place a bit before the season five episode "Half Over". It's the more concrete ending to the series I would have wanted. I always felt the series had a very ageist-mentality of how they portrayed teenagers. Western teenagers -even the ones in this show - almost all of whom would be perceived as "privileged" to some degree or another, do actually face so much more challenges than just a sudden influx of hormones, sex and romantic relationships. I felt the storyline about Jack getting beaten-up by a Pimp with a baseball bat was too far-fetched and ridiculous – even for this show. So, I wrote a storyline that I KNOW would have not only fit into the show better than the Jack-storyline but it would have shown something I think only a handful of viewers saw.

Disclaimer: I do not own "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". Nor do I own any of the characters. The show and it's characters are all property of ABC Family and Brenda Hampton.

Prolouge: Numb

Naked, walking out of his bathroom, he had just finished getting out of the shower when a series of painful memories began to flash. One after another after another. This time he didn't re-jell his hair. Putting on a fresh pair of blue plaid underwear, Ben stood in front of the bedroom mirror staring back at himself. One after the other. One after the other. One after the other. The memories. He averted his eyes away from his image, in the mirror, whilst trying to erase the pictures his brain played over and over again in his head like a bad TV Drama. The memories just continued to flow and flow ... and flow. Nothing stopping them.

* "Ben is stupid ..."

* "I love you son … and today I actually mean that!"

He was tired of being "Mr. Nice", "Mr. Strong", "and Mr. Perfect". He was even tired of being a Boykewich. He was tired of being his father's son.

* "... I want to be with other girls. I want to date. I want to have sex ...", Ben blurted out.

"Ben, when you have a girlfriend with a baby, then you have a baby. It's your responsibility too. You can't walk away from that.", Leo said scolding his son.

He refused to continue to be second to Ricky.

* "You're not going to tell me that I have to marry Amy because of John, are you?" Ricky grunted.

"I would never tell you that you have to get married to Amy just because you have a kid together", Leo said smiling at Ricky.

"You never said the same thing about Adrian", Ben frowned, stacking boxes. Preparing to leave, he put on his jacket, taking one last look at his father beaming over the older boy. He turned from them and set off on his quest to pick up a 'Sliced-Apple & Pineapple-Pizza' for a pregnant Adrian.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)"

He no longer wanted to try to appear to be perfect, nice, or strong – to hide his own fears, his own worries, his own concerns, his own insecurities, his own anger behind the boy he had created. The confident, indestructible, always reliable, Benjamin Boykewich had collapsed. Buried behind the still lovable, kind, charismatic, and funny young man was a lonely, depressed, and angry little boy who couldn't take it anymore. Ripped out of him was the beaming, happy little boy that wanted to be a police officer, help people and "put away the bad guys" and here was a teenager verging on young adulthood. A teenager that had the power other kids his age could only could dream of. Though he felt weak, through his father, he could financially afford almost any material object of mind's desire and the pretend affection of girls of both his lower head's and heart's desires – every teen boy's dream. But even with it all, he knew he still wouldn't be happy. He wasn't that little boy anymore. But he was not "the rich boy" everyone always bitterly envied or pegged him to be either. Not at all.

Even when completely surrounded by everyone and everything he just felt so alone.

Benjamin Boykewich was a nobody – someone not worth getting to know, someone not worth loving. Because even those that professed to loving him did not know him and most never truly tried to. They didn't want to know him.

He needed them but they never needed him - atleast not emotionally.

* "I guess we got married because we needed each other and I guess what I'm trying to say is even after all the stupid things we said and did over these past few weeks we still need each other. I mean we lost a baby for God-sakes."

"You will always have that experience in common. But I don't think that means you'll always need each other. Why do you think you need Adrian so badly? Why do you suddenly do not want out of this marriage?" a curious Dr. Fields asked Ben.

An overjoyed Ben was about to blurt out the reasons for his sudden happiness ... only to a ringing cellphone.

* "I love Ricky. I always have." Adrian revealed. "I've already told Ricky."

** "You're the better guy. I know that. I just really want Ricky", Adrian confessed.

* "Can I keep the ring?" Adrian pouted, holding her right-hand up showing off the $50,000 ring.

* "Friends" Ben said almost questioningly, trying to ease the awkwardness of the situation

"Yeah sure, even friends-with-benefits if you want" she said grinning.

* "I'll date Henry for now and then I'll see if I can date you later." Dylan nervously stating while walking away with Raven.

* "I'm sorry if you think that caring about me ruined your life." Amy snarled at him, willfully and ignorantly ignoring her place in the unfortunate chain of events.

Girls? Friends? It didn't matter.

* "If you're going to be there for Adrian and the baby … then we can't hang out with you." Alice blurted out.

"You only spent years playing in my house ... watching movies in our theater, spending Christmases and Holidays, and going to baseball games and concerts!", Ben exclaimed to Alice. "If you don't want to be friends with Adrian you don't want to be friends with me!"

* "We can't be friends with each other so we decided we can't be friends with you", the two stood in front of him, stating the only thing the pairing could now agree upon.

* " ... Henry had sex with your wife! ..." Alice exclaimed, telling the truth of Adrian and Henry's One-Night-Stand together.

* "They've decided to let her go out with Henry." Leo stated, matter-of-factly, regarding Dylan.

"Of course they would they don't know how much of a scoundrel he really is", Ben said, bitterly.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you"

No one ever wanted his mind, his heart and his soul. They wanted a shoulder to lean on. A business deal for their father. Maybe even his body, but nothing more. Or worse … they just wanted his wallet. And for a while Ben had convinced himself that he was OK with this all. After all, it was better than having no one at all.

Nothing he had ever done was enough for anyone, not himself and especially his father Leo, and though he felt meaning and purpose in being "the light in the dark for others" he still felt unhappy and unfulfilled. The truth was he no longer felt excited or eager about life. He dreaded it. The one person that should understand what he felt like saw him as nothing more than a mere nuisance - a fool that needed proper molding and training like a dog – that he couldn't wait to get rid of. While Ricky was his "perfect son".

"I'm going to have Amy, the baby, and your dad on my side before you can say 'porkchop'", Ricky remarked, smirking.

He understood that Ricky had been through a lot, but he was his father – not Ricky's. Ricky had Margaret and Shakur. He didn't need Leo or Bunny.

* "This is probably going to be my best year here and the reason for that is because of you, Marc" Ben remarked looking at ground

Maybe this was why he liked Marc Molina so much. Maybe had been searching for the father-figure he never got – due to Leo's running a business and ever-growing closer relationship with Ricky, and the constant pressure of being under Leo's thumb. Maybe deep-deep down inside, he had wished that Marc or Rueben cared about him like Leo use to. It certainly felt like Marc did. Reuben was Adrian's father and he'd never wanted to get in between her and her parents like he often sensed at times, but maybe he wanted Rueben to be like his dad – as uncomfortable as it sounds. Maybe that's why he went to talk with him that day. The thing was Marc had moved away and as he learned Rueben was Adrian's father – not his.

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take."

As the son of a Czechoslovakian Holocaust Survivor Abraham Boykewich that immigrated to the U.S. at age 8, Leo Boykewich grew up with high expectations of him - he was the reassurance that everything Ab went through was worth it. Ben never really got to know Ab that much but from what he knew he was a demanding father that always expected of him the highest grades, the best behavior, the prettiest and purest of girlfriends. Maybe that's the real reason why Leo got married to right after he graduated High School and moved from Brooklyn to Los Angeles – because he wanted to escape his father. Maybe he couldn't take all the pressure anymore? But Ben not only wanted to escape the feeling of being held down by and trapped by his father – he wanted to escape the boy that he was, the boy that was too much like his father.

He had thought of writing a letter to each and every person in his life to explain how he came to be all that he was now and how the prescription drugs he had been taking, ever since Dylan had gave him some back in August, could not mask the pain he buried in his heart and could not lift the burden of carrying all his mistakes along with everyone else's. He had wrote each and every person in his life a letter – everyone. Everyone from his father, to Adrian, to Alice and Henry, to Amy, and even to Camille. But he was too much of a coward to send them. Despite his plans, he couldn't press the "send" button. He couldn't allow them to read his words, to view his true thoughts, to see into his inner-core where he was so hurt and so vulnerable. He was also too much of a coward, in his view, to live any longer.

He to fight back the tears when his cherished mother Sarah died when he was only a 9-year-old 4th Grader. He sufficed through her Chemo-Therapy and her death, and her sufficed through the funeral, all the questions, and all these years. He could fight back when Danny Hertowitz, Fred Williams, and Mark Sanders bullied him all throughout 6th Grade because of his wealth. He could fight with words back when Rebecca Redwood and Sasha Muniez spread rumors that he was gay back in 7th Grade. He could walk away after all the jokes and laughter he got from Junior High School girls for simply asking them out on a date. He even fought back when he was beat up in 9th Grade for a school-boy calling Amy "a slut". Heck, he survived the daily rumors, humiliation, and verbal torment he got for marrying Adrian. But he couldn't take this. Not now. Not Ever.

A shirtless Ben walked calmly back into his bathroom.

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you."

He never expected his life to end this way. He never had expected to be a father or a husband at age 16, much less divorced at age 16. He never expected that he'd have to bury his stillborn daughter much more only a seven years after burying his beloved mother Sarah, two things he was sure he'd never "get over" no matter how much Leo told him to.

* "I may not have been able to do anything about what happened to Mercy, but I can do something about what's happening to me.", Ben remarked to Leo about his arupt change in personality"

* Losing that baby KILLED something inside of me, Adrian!", Ben yelled in distress, the tears welling up in eyes now streaming down his cheeks.

He never expected to his two best friends to not be there for him. He also never expected them to betray him in the ways they did nor with the people they did.

* "Henry's not my friend. I thought he was but he wasn't."

He especially never expected his father – the man that he thought the world of – to be just like everyone else. To mock him. To jeer him. To alienate him. To humiliate him. To make him feel so low. To make him feel worse. To make him feel so easily replaceable. He never expected life to be this lonely and painful. Being who he was only got him heartbreak after heartbreak, and he just wanted it all to end. There was a constant battle in his mind of whether it was his fault or the fault of the friends and family he loved but somewhat despised in a sick, twisted way.

Polishing the .22 Caliber pistol he had kept under his bed in a box for many months, with a handkerchief, he felt like that pain and that burden was finally going to going to be lifted. If he was as stupid, dumb and foolish as everyone said he was then how did he think of this plan? It was something he should have done years ago. His life was worthless anyways. "Everyone would be better off without me." Smiling eerily into the glass bathroom mirror facing before him, all he could see was his father.

After dropping several art and writing classes, Ben buried himself further and further into depression. Dismayed and disappointed for several months, he thought that had finally found the perfect way out. He would finally pull the trigger and put an end to his torment as well as what he felt was the ultimate cause of pain for so many other people. He had thought about hanging himself but he realized that he might not die right away and he didn't want to suffer from the strangulation of the rope. He wanted a painless death – something that neither deliberately overdosing on drugs, jumping from a high height to the concrete, hanging himself with a rope nor a knife to the chest could achieve.

When he had illegally bought the gun back in August, from a questionable figure further East L.A. after a party he attended with Dylan, Raven and Mercedes, he hadn't had the guts to do it then. But on this day it felt more than appropriate. In his mind he picked the perfect time – 4:44 P.M. His father wouldn't be home for days, due to some pre-arranged business meetings.

Lifting the gun to a lower temple, with tears falling down the sides of his checks – caused by both fear of the uncertain and of the pain of years of rejection, betrayal, grievance, and verbal abuse – he stood motionless for a few moments.

And I know I may end up failing too.
But I know You were just like me with someone disappointed in you."

"Just stop being a punk and just do it", he said aloud to himself, staring straight into the mirror before him.

Placing the pistol back at his right temple he started fidgeting – this time sweat dripping off his skin. When he pulled the trigger, the gun didn't go off. Noticing the problem was that there was no bullets in its holder, Ben took only a few seconds to find the shells in a box in his room, reload it, and walk back to the bathroom.

The phone started to ring and he couldn't believe the timing. It was almost as if God was sending some kind of message. He had no intention of answering it, though.

"Even when I'm trying to kill myself I can't even do that right!", Ben laughed to himself. His sense of humor - his trademark and what he believed landed him several dates and unbeknownst to him had landed him a few "Secret Admirers" - had always gotten him through tough times. He needed it now more than ever, even though he felt like a fool sitting there and laughing about his own death with a pistol in his right hand.

Breathing deeply, he waited for the ringing to stop, before once again putting the gun to his right temple.

With his eyes clamped shut, this time he pulled the trigger.

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)"

His body layed there - between the sink and the door - half-naked, in a pool of his own blood, with the .22 Caliber only a few inches away from his right hand.

Nothing but the sound of his phone ringing for a third time filled this section mansion.

Song: "Numb" By Linkin Park