A/N : This is my first Fanfic and it is a Kensei/Shuuhei yaoi story set after the war with Aizen but before Kensei comes back to be captain also just a fair warning chapters might not come out on a regular basis I lead a busy life but I will try my hardest to not make you wait to long. I would also like to thank my new Beta for helping me out your the best *hugs*

Warnings: Nothing to bad just some bad language and references to alcoholism (just a bit)

Chapter 1

It was a quiet night in soul society, and most of the soul reapers, that were not on night duty, were sound asleep. All but one, that is. Shuuhei Hisagi could be found in his ninth division officer quarters, bent over his desk, signing paperwork by a single light, just bright enough to see by.

Most of his close friends, hell even his squad members, knew he could be found here almost ever night.

His squad members figured he wanted to get a head start on the next days paperwork,or even work on the Seireitei communication. He did had a reputation for being a workaholic, even he could admit that, but he really had no choice in the matter, since his captain defected, leaving him to bear the full load of the divisions responsibilities. Despite his own plight,and issues, concerning his captains death, he would put those aside for the sake of his division. Still, close friends knew better. Shuuhei couldn't hide the truth from them, as well as he did his squad members. He couldn't hide the darkening circles framing his forest green orbs,or the once strong muscles,now becoming limp,and frail. Anyone paying attention could see this wasn't usual over exertion. Still, whenever he would be approached about his weakening state,he maintained his usual distant,empty response. Always claiming he was fine,or just over worked.

Shuuhei was plagued by nightmares almost every night, that started just after he got back from the replica karakura town. Every smell,sight,scream,all the blood,and torment, it burned in his mind. He remembered it all,and relived it whenever he shut his eyes. At first, it made him sick, seeing his former captain die at his own hands. Initially, he tried to sooth the night terrors, by the warm amnesia caused by a bottle of sake. If he wasn't working, he was drinking. Yet, even in the blissful ignorance of alcohol, he couldn't run from the images. All he got from drinking was his face in a toilet, a killer headache, and the same sickening, never ending, images. He didn't need the gentle reprimand from his elders, like Captain Jushiro. The vivid images alone made him sicker than the sake,and the sake brought the images alive. They were no longer just pictures in his head, they were realistic hallucination. Every sense was at work, the taste of iron mingled on his tongue, a layer of dirt,and blood stuck to his skin,screeching ringing in his ears. His sword running through his former captain was always the realist aspect of the images playing in his head. His hand's trembling on his hilt,as he watched the light leave his eyes. It was way too much for one person to deal with on their own,and,yet that was the only way he chose to deal with it, he could not,and would not let someone else bare the burden of his captain's betrayal. As the lieutenant, he felt the responsibility fell on him alone,even if it meant suspicion from other squads. Perhaps, he felt like he should of saw it coming, or that there was something he could of done,either way, he felt almost deserving of the anguish he carried. Sadly, It wasn't just blood and gore that kept him from sleeping. It was the man he thought was dead ..Kensei. As if to add insult to injury, images of silver hair, amber eyes,broad chest,and the tall stature of his childhood savior, wouldn't let his mind rest. He was the reason he aspired to be a soul reaper,and the reason he got the damn tattoo on his face. When he was told that his childhood savior was gone,and wasn't going to come back,he had locked away his gratitude,and affection for the man. Still, after seeing his "hero" on the battlefield, all those once forgotten feelings poured out of every hidden fiber of Shuuhei's being. Affection filled his every cell,and shook his core.

It was laughable,really! Here Shuuhei was, a grown man,and lieutenant of the one,and only squad he ever wanted to be in,and he wasn't happy,or complete. In fact, he felt utterly empty. He was broken,and he knew it, yet he chose to ignore it for the betterment of his squad. If it was the last thing he'd do, he would hold him self together, ignoring every last crack in his foundation, until he crumbled. He wouldn't let his squad down, he just couldn't.