Disclaimer: In the forest no one can hear your scream, unless you scream "Harry Potter", because that all belongs to J. K. Rowling and her agents will definitely hear you. Kudos to nonjon for writing A Black Comedy, giving me fuel for my creative fire. Hopefully I won't disappoint.

CHAPTER 2

The first few weeks of Hogwarts school year 2025 had been rowdy to say the least. Pranks left and right, mostly juvenile stuff like dung bombs or Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes but some elegant ones had also been observed. The second Friday evening had brought a well-earned rest to the prefects, and Grace, Emma, Helen and Chizuru were lounging in the Head Girl's office, eating chocolate and lazily going through the pranks they were supposed to find the perpetrators of.

"Turning MacGonagall's robes pink mid-lecture was a really nice touch. Poor Collins though, he should've been prepared to a misdirection being aimed at him after he made that 3rd year Slytherin take the fall for his prank on the girl's bathroom door." Grace was in high spirits. The pranking efforts were over the top, everyone trying to outdo her Sorting Prank. Harry had officially taken the fall for that but being Dumbledore's strongest supporter there was no way it would ever hurt him.

"I agree that was quite nice but I still think my prank on the Fat Lady was much better." Helen argued. Admittedly she had managed to make the Fat Lady disappear for a week. Commuting in and out of Gryffindor tower had to be managed by brooms for that time.

"Hah, the Fat Lady cries and runs away twice a year nowadays. She's getting a little too emotional. You only win the contest in hours missing, not in originality, Gaybaby." Grace responded. "But I admit you wrecked much more havoc than the Slytherins did with MacGonagall's robes."

"So what are you going to do to the Fat Lady's Fat Ass prank? Gaybaby didn't really manage to cover her tracks that well, somebody needs to take a fall." Emma pointed out, much to the annoyance of Helen. "Shut up What, I did my best! Not my fault someone had spelled her canvas against illusions. She only saw my mask, though."

"Yeah, I think I heard they spelled that on when Harry Black had the fling with the 7th year Gryffindor some 10 years ago. Surprised you didn't know about that." Chizuru offered, obviously egging Helen on. "That's provably false and you know it!" she snapped back.

"I don't think having someone take the fall for my cousin's incompetence would be appropriate. I'd rather just drop the investigation in favour of something bigger. Or maybe just turn Gaybaby in." Grace pondered, enjoying the power to make Helen sweat a little.

"Guess you'll just have to drag your feet while waiting for a bigger prank." Emma said. Grace frowned at the thought. "You're probably right. Besides next week we'll have our hands full with the first year international students getting integrated into classes, right Chii?"

The Japanese girl nodded: "Yeah, after this weekend translation charms are forbidden, only accelerated language learning potions and dictionaries are allowed." From the first international students onwards Hogwarts had employed a system where the first two weeks the international students took English lessons with accelerated language learning potions to bring them up to acceptable level while at the same time all of their normal classes were attended with Professor-cast translation charms. After two weeks the translation charms were no longer cast for classes and normal social contacts and lecture learning accelerated with the potions were allowed to take care of the remaining language learning needed.

"How's this year's Official Hogwarts Dictionary? Have they improved it?" Emma asked. "Yeah, based on last year's testing on half the international students we decided to this year go with a limited intelligence dictionary instead of the old, traditional version. Now the dictionary will actively search for you and even translate whole sentences."

"When will you be handing them out?" Grace asked. "Sunday, after lunch."

"Isn't Monday's first lecture for first years History of Magic?" she continued, making a face at the thought of Professor Binns. "Yeah... I tried to get the schedule changed so the first lecture they have without translation charms wouldn't be such a test of character but it seems no one else wants to teach first years first thing on a Monday morning."

"No wonder, you should see the Professors' bridge night binge on Sundays. I'm surprised there are any lessons on Monday." Emma casually remarked, prompting a curious glance from Helen and Chizuru. "It's a long story." Grace explained hastily. "With lots of Firewhisky." she finished as if clearing up a misunderstanding.

"Professor Binns is really the worst." Emma quickly segued to a safer topic, not wanting to dredge up memories of the morning after. "Agreed. Not to make slight of Hogwarts but having Binns teach is just an insult to the whole school." Chizuru nodded.

"I wish they'd just fire him but he'd probably still come to teach class." Grace sighed. "You can't even prank him, him being a ghost and all."

"Binns is essentially even worse than the idiots we had for Defense Professors before Professor Monroe. I can't believe that it took nearly 15 years and the Minister of Magic's example to prove to people that Voldemort's curse on the position was all in their heads." Helen said. The two years of studying Defense Against the Dark Arts under Professor Monroe had been exhilarating and all kinds of interesting. "I really liked the man, he had some pretty good ideas on combat, tactics and interrogation. As expected from the man who brought down Voldemort single handed." Chizuru said, putting a slightly scary amount of emphasis on the ideas on interrogation.

"Why did Minister Monroe step down from his position for two years to teach at Hogwarts though?" Helen pondered. "Just seems like such a waste, he had everything organised so well and then left it all to Finnegan who brought down half of what he'd managed to build in 13 years in the span of just two years." Nods all around, except Grace who explained: "Dumbedore told me he had specifically requested Monroe to take the position as if to vanquish the last memory of Voldemort. Said that only Monroe could do it, him being Vanquisher of Voldemort after all."

"I heard my father mention that David had always wanted to teach Defense at Hogwarts." Emma added. "Well, he definitely would know, having spied for Monroe so many years." Chizuru agreed.

"I wonder why Lord Slytherin never took up the position though. He'd be a natural." Chizuru continued, poking an eye towards Helen. As expected the girl immediately jumped to Harry's defense: "My godfather told me it was because of some promise made to Dumbledore by T'me. I didn't pry any further but I'm sure he had a good reason." Grace started laughing in a crazed giggle. Even Emma smiled a little. "Oh shit, he's been having me on, hasn't he?" the girl asked, looking down to her lap. "Yup."

After composing herself, still wiping away at some tears Grace spoke up "Anyway, I have some paperwork to do for Dumbledore so you three should run along before I have to forcefully banish you through the wall." She pointed to a stack of papers on her desk.

"Yeah, I have to go do rounds with MacAskill. I just hope he'll stay silent at least for a minute during." Emma grumbled, getting up from the wonderfully comfy sofa. "Oh he's not so bad, you just don't have any humour in you, What." Grace pointed out. She had two years worth of experience doing the rounds with MacAskill. Only a few times had she wanted to seriously hex him. "Just don't let him talk about frogs."

"Oh Slytherin's eyebrows, the frogs." Helen and Chizuru were baffled and going to ask for an explanation when Grace sat down at her desk, very obviously telling them to run along. The three girls left without a sound, the door closing behind them as Grace's quill started scribbling on the first parchment in line. Somewhere close to the edge of her mouth a smile hovered. The plan was now complete.

It was amazing how quickly the situation had become dire. Sunday after lunch the first year international students had had their last translation charm lifted and were thus left to the tender mercies of their learned language skills and the Official Hogwarts Dictionary, now with added intelligence. Not long after one of the Polish first years had reported that he had seen a group of German students wearing Grindelwald's insignia. The report had been given to the international prefect of Hufflepuff house but was quickly transmitted to Grace and John Solart the 11th and finally to Dumbledore.

At dinner time this prompted Dumbledore to give a very empathetical speech about letting the past go while at the same time making it very clear that he disliked having his ex-boyfriend's memory made mockery of, giving somewhat mixed signals. This was universally taken as a sign of the times and the Headmaster's state of mind. The German students were given a strict talking to but no perpetrator was found and the issue was closed, hoping that it was simply a misunderstanding.

However, after dinner the situation deteriorated further as the Germans and Polish students kept getting into verbal arguments and finally ending in outright dueling where the Polish were outmatched by a more numerous opponent. At the same time the Japanese and Chinese students ended up trading spells on more than one occasion, making the first year dorms little more than war zones. The prefects tried to bring the situation into reign but by nightfall it was already too late to get any sort of sense into the situation as the native first years had likewise joined in, hexing the Germans while the few Russian first years had begun hexing nearly everyone.

At midnight, as the situation was too volatile to leave the warring factions into the same dorms, the Polish students were marched into the Prefect's Lounge to stay overnight while the Germans were simply separated into their respective dorms with some Japanese, Hungarian and Finnish students that they had yet to make enemies with.

It was already getting close to 2 o'clock and Grace was still up in her office when she heard a faint knock on the door. Swinging her wand the door opened, revealing John Solart the 11th. "Evening, Head Boy. Has the fighting stopped for now?"

"Yes, I believe it has. But I don't believe this is just because of inter-cultural differences, Grindelwald's war ended 80 years ago, these children have no clue of it! Someone must be pulling the strings here." the boy looked dead straight at Grace. "I agree but I don't have the foggiest on how this could be done. We already checked some of the Polish and German students for compulsion charms and the likes, they're totally clean. I'm not even sure this is a prank. It seems more like a plot to bring negative publicity on the international degree programs."

"You are correct. Though why wait 6 years to retaliate against the programs? Anyway, we need to figure out something. Tomorrow's first lesson for the first years is," he didn't get to finish the sentence when Grace quipped in joy: "History of Magic! Binns has never cared about interruptions, we can take over his class and give them a talking to."

John Solart frowned. "We shouldn't be taking over a class just because the Professor doesn't mind. Rather we should have the Professor talk to them. He holds more responsibility and commands more authority than we do." Grace shrugged: "If you think that's for the best. I doubt Binns' capability to bring order into this chaos but so be it. I think it's best if we draft out his speech, though."

"Agreed," the boy nodded and sat down on the other side of Grace's desk and together they went to work.

"You think this'll work?" Grace asked as the Head Boy marched into the classroom behind the last group of first years. Quite a lot of young faces were seen growling across the room. The Germans were grouped on one side with two Finnish boys, a few Hungarians and a gaggle of Italians talking loudly about something or other in rather agitated Italian.

"I'm sure it will. It must, otherwise we'll have to make some rather drastic changes to the international student sorting and living arrangements." John sighed, dreading the idea.

"I've been trying to talk with the Japanese students to figure out what prompted them to hex the Chinese students but they're just saying that the Chinese hexed or picked a fight with them first." Chizuru commented from the sideline. Having been part of the first crop of international students she had taken the fighting rather hard and kept trying to figure out what was the cause of it. Still no one was forthcoming with answers or confessions of picking a fight or mocking other students.

The first years having seated Professor Binns floated through the blackboard and immediately launched into the speech Grace and John had crafted for him.

"During the last 24 hours something unspeakable has happened. The first years have been divided amongst lines of old, lines that historians such as I find interesting. Yet these lines are not for the modern time or age." he paused for a while, obviously wondering why the interesting lines couldn't stay into the modern day.

"Harsh words have been uttered and hexes have been thrown. I care not for who threw the first punch nor why it was thrown. I care only for the continued safety of my students and as part of the teachers at Hogwarts I will not stand for continued strife and fighting, not in the halls, not in the dorms nor in the classrooms."

"I hope you have had time to reflect on your actions during the night and have realised your folly. Now I tell you that it is time to forgive and forget those who wronged you and likewise forgive yourself for your actions. You need to forgive this previous day's events and go forth without holding a grudge."

"Hogwarts is a place of learning and merry and that cannot be if you do not forgive. This madness must be cleansed. So take one another's hand and repeat after me."

The students, most of the international students straining to understand the lecture and referring to their phrasebooks, reluctantly stretched and locked hands with their neighbours.

"I will forgive my neighbour for having wronged me." Binns started. The echo sounded a little mumbled but at least the British students got it right.

"I will forgive myself for the wrongs I have inflicted on others." The response was less scattered but somehow wrong.

"I will forget yesterday's events and focus on happy days in the future."

Instead of repeating the 200 or so first years chanted something completely different in response.

Ad spiritum spiritus transitu
Relinquo naturam relinquunt aqua
Exitum spiritu, spiritus moventur
Relinquere ventus, relinquite ignis

"What the heck are they doing?" John Solart asked as the chant began to grow louder. Binns had stopped talking and was staring dead ahead. "I don't know!"

Ipse praecedes ne educas inviderit
Faciendam vindictam in live
Errant collis mortis
Principium terris ad praeteritum

"What are they even saying?" he asked, trying to shake one of the first years awake from the trance but found himself unable to even approach the chanting lines as a magic bubble had enveloped them. "I think they're telling the spirit to go forth into the afterlife." Emma helpfully supplied, having moved from her own position to the Head Girl and Head Boy in search of orders.

"What! They're exorcising him!" the Head Boy replied in horror. "Yes, I know, that's what I just said!" Emma replied, annoyed.

Export fuit tandem memories
requiem aeternam

"Can't we stop them somehow?" John asked just as the chant subsided. "Too late I think."

The first years started releasing each other's hands, looking baffled at what had just happened. At the Professor's dais there was no one to be seen, merely some dust glittering in the air. On the floor above where Binns had been floating a minute before laid a long-faded note.

Monday's lunch had been rife with rumours but no official validation was given before dinner. After the food had vanished Dumbledore stood up.

"My students, I have grave news to you all. On this day we have lost one of our own. Our beloved and much respected professor of History of Magic, Professor Binns, was exorcised earlier today by the new first year students. It is my belief that the first years were compelled to do so by an unknown party, likely responsible for yesterday's re-enactment of Grindelwald's war in Europe as well. Unfortunately the exorcism ritual exorcised not only our professor but also any and all compulsion charms on the students and thus nothing can be proven. Let it be known that I, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, will not let those responsible walk free. I swear it on my pink beard!" Indeed as Dumbledore finished his speech, his beard changed colour to pink, prompting a few odd looks from especially MacGonagall. The students generally chuckled at the antic.

"Now I believe we should honour our ex-professor and his departure from the mortal coil nearly 200 years after his death in the way that he would've wanted us to. Unfortunately not many of us know what Cuthbert Binns wanted. Luckily we found a library note from where he was exorcised. Late Professor Binns had been waiting for a book on the origins of Goblin states to be returned to the Hogwarts library."

A small verbal shrug went through the hall. Who would want to read about that?

"I investigated and found that the book had been loaned as early as 1538 by Headmaster Fairchild. I found the book in my office and have finally returned it. Hopefully this will allow for Professor Binns to rest easy, knowing that the book is finally his to borrow." Dumbledore smiled a little wistfully, the pink colour already draining from his beard.

"As of tomorrow we will have a new professor of History of Magic but for today we will remember Cuthbert Binns by having an extra helping of dessert!" he finally called as a throng of the most wonderful desserts appeared, his final words drowned out by cheers of joy.

"Finally we're rid of Binns. Great way to go as well, I'd say. What do you think, Rapebaby?" Emma asked in a casual voice, the sounds around them already blurring into a soothing mess. "Oh, definitely a good way to go. I had to dig pretty deep to find the appropriate exorcising ritual for 200 first years to do but it really paid off." The joy of pulling off an even greater prank than the Second Sorting Prank was palpable in her voice.

"How did you get the ritual words to them, though?"

"I still had a bit of the potion so I confunded the books to re-enact Grindelwald's war and react to the phrase 'This madness must be cleansed' to translate whatever the students wanted to say to the ritual words. The rest was just good planning and a few carefully set compulsion charms that I knew would be cleansed by the ritual." Grace smiled, taking a bite from a raspberry tart.

"I think Uncle Sirius will be proud, Rapebaby, he hates Binns with vigour. Especially given that you managed all that without me." Emma replied, likewise stuffing her face with the well-earned profits of a good prank. "You're not the only one with an eye for opportunities."

"You know that Chii's pretty angry at whoever used her precious students for a war re-enactment. She's going to figure out the truth pretty soon." Emma warned. "I'll tell her later, then we can have a good laugh about it all. She can take a joke" Grace replied, unconcerned. "Besides she hated Binns as well."

Author's Note: This chapter was written surprisingly fast. Next will likely take much longer. Hope you enjoyed it, leave a review if you will.