Summary: In which people keep intruding like the door is wide open (which it is), Makoto is a mom, and Hajime stubbornly refuses to believe that this meeting has romantic implications. Accidental SHSL Pimp!Hajime AU.

Technically, Hajime Hinata's official title was SHSL Good Luck.

But official titles had a tendency to be ignored, and to Hajime's dismay, no one ever called him the SHSL Good Luck.

The awful, embarrassing, and downright horrible replacement was SHSL Pimp.

Because of the downright odd way Hajime managed to escape from being locked in Hope's Peak Academy and being forced to kill his classmates (read: flirted with the bear trapping them in the school until he got the escape button), Hajime Hianta had been branded with the label, and despite his attempts, could not dissuade the others from calling him that.

Hajime Hinata was used to being called weird names by his peers. 'Spikey Hair', 'Odd-eyes' and 'Mediocre' were just scratching the surface of nicknames Hajime was saddled with throughout his life.

However, while Hajime was used to his peers calling him by such names, he could usually expect his cousins, Komaru and Makoto, to continue calling him by his name.

Which somehow made the meeting with Chiaki's parents (which was not romantic at all, shut the fuck up) even weirder, despite the numerous factors leading to the situation's weirdness.

Factor #1: Chiaki's dad was somehow younger than them? How? And also shorter and so feminine he could be mistaken for a girl. Honestly, if Hajime wasn't told outright that Chihiro Fujisaki was a male and also Chiaki's father, he would have mistaken him for Chiaki's younger sister.

Factor # 2: Makoto. Makoto was a mom. Makoto was Chiaki's mom. Makoto was married to Chihiro Fujisaki. Hajime didn't think of his younger cousin as the type to get married young or have kids young. If anything, Makoto was the type to adopt every orphan and stray animal he saw, supporting them with the power of luck and love and hope and all that shit. But the part about Makoto being the mom was spot-on.

Factor # 3: Chiaki is apparently a robot? Who makes a robot for the sole express purpose of drawing doujin?

Factor # 4: Chiaki's actual younger sister was a rabbit. A robot rabbit in a pretty white dress. And her older brother was a laptop. Chiaki's family was weird.

Factor # 5: Both Chihiro and Makoto heard about the SHSL Pimp thing. And Chihiro was not happy.

"I swear, if you dare to cheat on my daughter with the rest of your harem from your SHSL Pimp days, I will ruin you!" Chihiro threatened, puffing out his cheeks adorably as he pointed a finger at Hajime.

"Relax, I'm not dating Chiaki," Hajime replied, wondering why everyone seemed to think so.

"And you're really cute when you're angry, you know?" Hajime added, not thinking as he stuffed another chip in his mouth. Wow, these things were good.

Chihiro gasped, causing an immediate and synchronized cry of 'Father!' from the three robots/Artificial Intelligence/whatever those guys were.

"Father, you're turning red!"Usami immediately produced an ice pack with a wave of her staff. (Magical bunny?)

"Your temperature has raised by 5 degrees Celsius! That's 41 degrees Fahrenheit!" Alter Ego panicked from his laptop as Usami placed the ice pack on Chihiro's head.

"Hajime, how dare you flirt with father when mother is right there?!" Chiaki demanded, puffing out her cheeks in anger (a shared family trait?).

"And how dare you flirt with someone right in front of your girlfriend?!" Makoto added.

"We're not dating," Hajime replied with a roll of his eyes.

"HAJIME!"

And with that battle cry, Komaru kicked in the door.

"How dare you flirt with others in front of my niece?! Didn't I train you better than that?!" Komaru screamed, pointing dramatically at her cousin.

'Train me?! I'm not a dog!'

"Am I the only one who didn't know that I was related to Chiaki?" Hajime wondered, biting back his dog comment. Speaking back to Komaru would only result in torture by her lethal cooking, something Hajime didn't want to try again. (Hajime shied away from food prepared by his cousins precisely because he was never sure whether it was Makoto or Komaru who cooked it.)

"Yes," The entire Fujisaki-Naegi-Nanami family replied at once.

"Hey, wait a damn minute, you bastards!" A familiar voice yelled, it's owner teleporting into the room at once. "I'm the only one Hajime is allowed to flirt with! Everyone else, BACK OFF!"

"Bwig Brother Monokuma!" Usami squeaked in terror.

"Can you set the dining table, honey?" Makoto asked casually.

"Hold on mom, I need to set the record straight!" Monokuma declared.

Hajime wondered how his completely normal life had gotten so weird, before deciding the reason why didn't matter so much as what he was going to do to deal with it.

"I'm the one dating Hajime! Not big sis, not dad, ME!" Monokuma screamed, waving his arms about.

"My, my, the father, the sister and the brother? Are you trying to seduce the entire Fukisaki family?" Nagito asked, walking through the broken door without a care in the world.

"I'm not dating anyone," Hajime replied exasperatedly, not even questioning why Nagito was in the house, taking the seat beside him.

"Then why is Chiaki introducing you to our parents?" Alter Ego asked.

"...because she wants me to know that we're related?" Hajime offered.

"...no. That's not it at all," Chiaki huffed, pouting.

"Geez, Komaru!" A giggling girl in glasses said as she walked into the room. "Your cousin sure is dense! I don't know how this guy is the SHSL Pimp!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT."

"Genocider!" Komaru cried out. "Why are you here?!"

"Because my lovely girlfriend and her hunk of a cousin are here!" Syo laughed.

Komaru glared at Hajime, who immediately froze in fear.

"Wait wait Komaru it's not my fault no please-" Hajime's begging was cut off by a sneeze.

"Touko!" Komaru immediately turned towards her girlfriend, her expression of rage rapidly switching to one of concern. Hajime let out a sigh of relief.

"W-w-what the hell am I doing here?!" The girl who was once 'Genocider' demanded.

"I believe you came here to meet with your lover, Komaru Naegi," Nagito offered, using his super magical detective skills (read: common sense and logic) to unravel the mystery.

"Aunt Touko, you could have just told us you were dating Aunt Komaru," Alter Ego gently admonished the glasses-wearing girl.

"I knew the entire time," Makoto declared with pride, a smile on his face.

"How romantic!" Usami declared, fawning over her aunts. "A forbidden love, hidden away from the world!"

"A secret romance that must grow under the cover of darkness!" Monokuma added, clasping his paws together in awe. (Though he was thinking more of him and Hajime).

"But Touko's afraid of the dark!" Komaru protested, completely missing the point.

"That's not what they mean!" Touko scolded her girlfriend. "They mean we have a secret relationship!"

"Not all that secretive now," Hajime retorted.

"Don't bring sass to the dinner table," Makoto berated his older cousin.

"Since when were you my mother too?" Hajime muttered to himself.

It was then that Chihiro finally recovered from Hajime's accidental flirting (how is that a thing and how is Hajime so good at it). And he heard Hajime's words.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY WIFE?!" Chihiro demanded, beginning to turn red from rage.

"Calm down, dear," Makoto smiled, hugging his tiny husband. Chihiro calmed down considerably at the touch. "He doesn't mean it."

"'Dear'? 'Honey'? Since when did you use names like those?" Hajime inquired tentatively, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer or not.

"Since the honeymoon," Makoto replied vaguely as he set some plates and forks down at the table.

"That doesn't explain anything!" Hajime declared, standing with a start. "In fact, this entire thing doesn't make any sense! You and Chihiro are in high school! How are you earning enough to support a family of six?! How did you even get four robots/AIs/whatever as your kids anyways?!"

"Hajime, this is a joke oneshot," Makoto explained calmly. "You're not supposed to look that far into it."

"...what."

Hajime's confusion was pushed to the side the moment a pink blur dashed in through the broken door, barreling through the others to slam it's hands on the dining table theatrically.

"HAJIME!" Kazuichi Souda screamed, lifting his hands from the table to point at Makoto, who simply continued setting the table. He rambled on at the same speed he entered the building, though everyone understood him anyways, through... magic. Yes, magic. Shut up.

"I KNOW I'M NOT THE SHSL MECHANIC IN THIS AU BUT I'M THE SHSL MECHANIC IN CANON SO I DESERVE TO BE A MOM HERE TOO."

"What," Hajime repeated, still bewildered by everything.

"INCORRECT!" A black-haired boy with ridiculously huge eyebrows drawn into a glare yelled as he entered the house. "I, KIYOTAKA ISHIMARU, AM THE SUPER HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL MECHANIC IN THIS ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, AND THUS I AM THE MOTHER IN THIS SCENARIO!"

"Calm down, Kiyotaka."

And then a corn-haired (how) guy just walked in. It was almost saddening how unaffected Hajime was by his sudden appearance. Hajime was getting used to the weirdness.

"No one can question that you're the mother when you're the one who built them!" The corn guy laughed. "Anyways, since Kiyotaka is the mom, I'm the dad, since me and Kiyotaka are dating!"

"You can't just replace mother and father!" Chiaki and Alter Ego protested.

"No, no, don't think of it as replacing..." Chihiro grinned knowingly at his children. "Think of it as adding another mother and another father to our family. That way everyone can be happy."

"I'M NOT HAPPY!" Kazuichi exclaimed desperately. "I might not be the mother, but I'm Hajime's soul friend! That has to count for something!"

"Hajime's friend?" Makoto thought for a second, before pulling out a chair for Kazuichi as well. "Then you're welcome at our table!"

"Wait, that's my spot!" Alter Ego protested, pouting.

"Dear, you don't eat physical food," Makoto reminded his son.

"Oh right..."

"Hold on a damn sec!" A voice exclaimed.

"FUYUHIKO?! PEKO?!" Hajime gaped as the SHSL Hall Monitor and SHSL Baseball Star walked in.

"If Hajime's family can eat here, then me and Peko have the right to sit here too! As Hajime's sworn brother, I have a place at this table!" Fuyuhiko explained, ignoring Hajime's outburst.

"While I understand your reasoning, why is Peko included?" Alter Ego asked. "She isn't related to you or Hajime, blood or otherwise."

"I heard there would be bunnies," Peko answered, searching for the bunnies.

And then she found one.

The next few seconds were a blur, with Peko using the same dash she used to run from base to base, Usami screaming as Peko all but tackled her at the speed of light.

"H-help..." Usami muttered, trembling in Peko's arms as the baseball player petted her gently. In contrast with Usami's utterly terrified expression, Peko looked like she was in heaven, a blissful smile appearing on her face, something rare for the stoic girl.

"They're becoming such good friends!" Alter Ego exclaimed, clasping his hands together in joy.

'Usami looks like she might die...!'

"So soft!" Peko squeaked, hugging the bunny.

"Everyone, dinner is ready!" Makoto announced, bringing a steaming pot to the table. Everyone moved towards the table excitedly, save for Alter Ego who was a laptop and Peko who was still holding Usami and Usami who was still being held.

Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi began arguing as the pot of food was passed around, Monokuma making numerous unsubtle death jokes as Kiyotaka and Mondo replied with their best bro puns. Chiaki began sleeping, with Makoto placing a pillow under her head as she dozed off.

All of those, Hajime could have ignored. He could ignore Ibuki's singing. He could ignore Hiyoko pulling on his hair when he was doing his homework. It would have been a completely uneventful meal for him had Komaru not brought up those words.

"Hajime, are you going to stop being the SHSL Pimp now that you've got a girlfriend?"

Hajime snapped.

"I DO NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. ME AND CHIAKI ARE NOT DATING, SINCE SHE'S KIND OF MY NIECE. EVEN IF SHE WASN'T, THIS MEETING WOULD HAVE ZERO ROMANTIC IMPLICATIONS WHAT SO EVER. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE THINKS WE'RE DATING BUT THIS NEEDS TO STOP. AND STOP CALLING ME THE SHSL PIMP ALREADY THAT NEVER HAPPENED."

"H-he's so dense...!" Touko stammered. "It's p-p-painful, watching how much he d-denies it!"

If it was possible, Hajime snapped even more, whatever remained of his self-control being broken into minuscule pieces, fragments of dust that were soon set on fire.

He squeezed the face of the person next to him (who happened to be Nagito.) and pressed their lips together.

"THAT IS WHY I CAN'T DATE CHIAKI. THIS CONVERSATION IS FINISHED," Hajime glared at the rest of his extended family as he and Nagito separated, the SHSL Detective turning bright red in Hajime's hands.

Hajime took a moment to wonder when his life got so weird, only to roll his eyes and begin eating, ignoring the awkward atmosphere as he stuffed food in his mouth.

The rest of the Fujisaki-Naegi-Oowada-Fukawa-Ishimaru-Hinata ( + Souda, Komaeda, Pekoyama and Kuzuryuu ) began eating as well, the light-hearted and joking atmosphere reappearing as soon as Hajime's composure disappeared; near-instantaneously.

Hajime supposed it wasn't too bad. But it wasn't something he would want to get used to.

(Chiaki rolled her eyes in her sleep at the tsundere-ness, though no one got to see how accurate her tsun-dar was, because her eyes were closed.)

This entire oneshot was inspired by Luckenhaft's review.

Have a nice day/night/whatever, and I don't own the Dangan Ronpa franchise. :D