A/N: Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am about the wait to get this chapter to you all. It was insane and I NEVER expected it to be so long between updates. My only excuse is that I am but a human with a lot on my plate. Getting my second master's degree, dealing with my son's many issues at school, while working full time, and, finally, managing a family of 4 seems like it would be easy... but it has not been.
On top of that, I am a teacher who works with at-risk inner city students and many of them look to me to provide that one positive stable influence in their life. Well, in the last several months I have had 5 students go AWOL and they are unable to be found. Not to mention the drama with my extended family (my mom found out my step dad was cheating and he just told her yesterday he wanted a divorce). Needless to say, writing has been the LAST thing on my mind.
But here it is, Chapter 13. Do I think it could be better? Likely so. But I am tired of overthinking this chapter to the point of insanity. Writing is supposed to be fun, a stress reliever for me, so when it becomes the stress itself it is time to let go of the chapter and just post it.
All mistakes are mine (PM me if there is something glaring). The chapter has been lightly beta'ed, but no where near what I normally do for the beta process.
I am hoping to wrap this fic up over the next month or two. We will see how it goes.
Again, thank you so so so much for sticking with me! You all make me smile and make my day just a little bit brighter.
Enjoy the chapter and please, please, let me know what you think!
Emma tucked her chin into her shoulder, her arm rising in an attempt to stop even more rain from getting into her increasingly damp hair. Her black boots pounded against the sidewalk causing water to splatter onto the tops of them as she quickened her pace. Walking to the bar after her shift at the station had been a bad idea. Hell, agreeing to meet with Ruby in the first place had been a bad idea. She should've just went home and spent the evening holed up in her bedroom dressed in her pajamas or, at the very least, she should've just accepted the ride David had offered her since the bug was in the shop.
Seeing the glass door in front of her, relief flooded her body. Moving swiftly, Emma yanked on the door and squeezed herself through it. Leaning against the wall, she took a quick moment to catch her breath. Outside, the rain picked up and begun to hammer against the sidewalk. Yep, going to the bar had definitely been a bad idea.
Of course, it wasn't like she had expected it to rain or even known it was going to. In order to have know that, she would have had to check the weather this morning and checking the weather would have lead to her lingering in the house far longer than she'd wanted to. Because lingering in the house would have inevitably landed her in the kitchen, which would have lead to her joining Killian and Nate for breakfast.
Pulling her bottom lip into her mouth, Emma bit down lightly. Having breakfast with Nate and Killian used to be one of her favorite parts of the day, it used to be … When she woke up this morning, she'd wanted nothing more than to walk down her steps and spend the morning with the two people who had become so much more than just her best friend and his son. She'd wanted it with ever fiber of her being but… She couldn't do it.
She couldn't walk down those stairs. She couldn't sit through yet another breakfast and pretend that her heart didn't skip a beat every time Killian looked in her direction, couldn't pretend that she wasn't staring at him every time his eyes caught her own. She was just so tired of pretending that she didn't have feelings for her best friend.
Emma sighed, her body collapsing against the wall behind her. She needed to stop. How many times did she have to remind herself that Killian was her best friend? That being her best friend was all he would ever be. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Killian Jones wasn't in love with her and nothing would ever change that. Nothing.
Lifting her arm up, Emma ran her fingers through her soaked locks in an attempt to de-tangle them. It was exactly that reason why in the month since Nate's birthday, since she'd received those flowers from August, since her and Killian's odd argument-that-wasn't, she had forced herself to take a step back from him, from everything.
Emma laughed forcibly and dropped her arm back to her side. Well, maybe step back wasn't the right phrase. No, it was more along the lines of hide in her room, avoid, and pull away completely. It was just… It was all too much.
Pretending not to love him, pretending like she didn't want more had become too much, it had become exhausting. She was tired, tired of second guessing, tired of hoping, tired of pretending. Killian had been her best friend for years. If he felt as she did, if he returned her feelings, then he would have acknowledged it before now. Hell, he would have made a move when they were younger.
But he hadn't.
Emma shook her head. He never would and… And, she had to be okay with that. She had to. Otherwise, she would lose her best friend and that… That couldn't be a possibility.
Biting her lip, she lifted her arms and gathered her still wet hair into a ponytail. She'd been best friends with Killian since grade school and being his friend was, and always would be, her first priority. Slipping the hair tie from around her wrist, she secured it around her locks in the middle of her head tightly. If being his friend was all she would ever be, she needed to learn to live with that.
She needed to learn how to fall out of love with him.
Emma took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. If only it were that easy. Frowning, she felt her chest tighten as it filled with helplessness. She wished she could just snap her fingers and change her feelings. Blinking, she looked up to the ceiling and ignored the sting in her eyes as tears clouded her vision. She wished... Her hand lifted and her fingers pressed against her eyelids in an effort to wipe away the tears before they fell.
Fuck. Why was this so hard? Why did it feel like there was a hole in her chest that she couldn't fill? Why…. Taking another deep breath she let her head fall back to hit the wall behind her. Why did she have to love him so much? The sound of the bar's door opening pulled Emma from her thoughts. Wiping her eyes quickly, Emma dropped her chin and turned her head in the direction of the door just in time to see the door shut behind her uncle Leroy. The moment he noticed her standing there, his brows furrowed in confusion.
"You okay, sister?" His voice was its usual gruff tone, but it was also full of concern.
Emma shrugged her shoulders slowly, her lips pressing into a thin line. "Is anyone ever really okay, Leroy?"
Chuckling, Leroy shook his head. "You got me there, Nolan." Taking a step forward, he raised his arm and rested his hand on her shoulder. "Although…" He tilted his head up to catch her eye. "Something tells me this is something more." Emma felt her heart skip a beat. Growing up, Leroy had always had an uncanny ability at reading her, at figuring out what was upsetting her, and that was the last thing she wanted him to do at the moment. She didn't want anyone to know. The more people who knew, the harder it would be to make it all go away. The more people who knew, the easier it would be for Killian...
"Now, Emma…" He interrupted her panicked thoughts as he squeezed her shoulder gently. "I've watched you grow up since the moment my cousin Ruth decided to take you in and you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know that there is nothing in this town, in this life, that Emma Nolan cannot overcome." Catching her gaze once more, Leroy smiled gently. "And there is nothing your family will not help you face."
Emma smiled, her eyes misting once more, only this time it was in appreciation. "Thank you." She whispered the words slowly.
Leroy nodded and shrugged as he released her shoulder. "No thanks needed, sister. Although, maybe pick a better place to think next time, eh? You're kinda blockin people from the drinks, girl!"
Leroy laughed and Emma couldn't stop herself from joining in. Leave it to Leroy to remind her that she could do anything she put her mind to and then, in the same sentence, chastise her for blocking the path to the alcohol. Good thing she knew him so well, otherwise she might be offended.
"Thanks, Leroy." She forced a smile to her lips and stepped out of his way. "Have a good night. I'll see you Sunday for dinner."
"See you then." Leroy lifted his arm to pat her on the back as he nodded his head in agreement before continuing further into the bar and disappearing into the crowd.
Biting the inside of her cheek, Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Leroy was right, she could do this. Somehow, someway, she would learn to let go of her feelings and things would go back to normal. Lifting her shoulders from where they rested on the wall, she propelled herself further into the bar. She could do this, and she would, but right now she just wanted to forget it all and enjoy the night with her friend.
Right now, she was entitled to that.
Pushing herself through the crowd, Emma scanned the room in an attempt to find Ruby. After a moment, Emma heard a distinctive laugh to the right of her and rolled her eyes. Of course, Ruby would tend the bar until her arrival. Her friend was incapable of letting someone else take care of her bar when she could do it herself, it was part of the reason the bar was so successful. Well, that, and the fact that Ruby could mix drinks like no other person in town.
Pivoting quickly, Emma weaved past several people to make her way toward the bartop. The corner of her lips lifted in a smile as Ruby, who was waving her arms in the air as she talked excitedly to the customer in front of her, came into view.
This was just what she needed. This… Emma's eyes fell to the person sitting in front of Ruby, fell to that familiar head of unruly dark hair that she would recognize anywhere, and she froze in place.
Killian.
For a moment all she could do was stand there, stand there and feel her heart beating wildly in her chest. So much for pushing Killian from her thoughts tonight. How could she do that when he was right there just an arm's length away? How was she going to do that if she had to sit next to him all night? If she had to...
"Emma."
Flinching at the sound of Killian's voice, Emma jerked her head slightly to focus her attention on him. He was standing in front of the stool he had previously occupied dressed in a white henley and ripped jeans. His dark hair, as always, stuck up in every which direction and she suddenly wanted very much to run her fingers through it. Biting her lip, she curled her fingers into fists at her sides. Damn it. Damn him. Why was he here? Why...
"Emma?" Killian called her name once more as he moved to stand directly in front of her, concern etched into his eyes as he ducked his head to meet her gaze.
"Sorry." She mumbled, her lips lifting a small unconvincing smile as he lifted his arm and cupped her cheek with his hand.
The touch of his skin to her cheeks caused an entirely different twist of her stomach. She wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and lean into his touch, to feel the warmth of his fingers pressed into her cheek. She wanted nothing more than to lift her own arm and press her hand atop of his, to entwine their fingers and enjoy the feeling his touch provided.
Only, she couldn't.
She couldn't because it was that exact feeling that she was trying to get over. It was that exact feeling she was trying to avoid.
"Sorry." She stated again as she shook her head and took a step back. His hand dropped from her cheek and fell to his side. Tucking a pale lock behind her ear, she shrugged her shoulders in an attempt to look nonchalant. "I had a long day at work and I didn't expect to see you here, I thought Nate was home this weekend."
Killian's arm lifted to scratch the skin at the nape of his neck."Uh, well Milah asked to switch weekends. I attempted to call you, but when you did not answer I called Ruby to see if she needed some assistance at the bar since Liam was away this weekend." Shoving one of his hands in the pockets of his jeans, he shifted his weight from foot to foot nervously. "She mentioned that she'd invited you for a drink after your shift. I thought I would wait for you, unless…" His voice trailed off, his eyebrows pulling together as his eyes searched her face.
Emma's heart clenched in her chest. She could see him second guessing his decision, second guessing his desire to spend the evening with her, to spend the evening with his best friend. Guilt filled her as she realized his reaction was the cause of her behavior the last couple of weeks.
Killian wasn't normally the type of person to second guess his actions. Especially not when it came to her and their friendship and yet… here they were. And, it was all her fault. Biting the inside of her cheek, she tried to ignore the way her stomach twisted in disappointment. It had never been her intention to hurt him, she'd only been trying to get her head on straight.
She'd only been trying to move on from what she'd deemed an impossible situation. Except it hadn't worked and now, she'd hurt the one person who had never truly hurt her.
Which was why, at this very moment, she wanted nothing more than to spend the evening with him to make up for her behavior. Really, it was the least she could do. Especially if it would make him happy because at the end of the day Killian Jones deserved all of the happiness in the world.
Reaching out, Emma pulled his hand into hers and squeezed. "Unless what?" She questioned, a light tone in her voice. "Who else would I want to spend my Friday evening with?"
Killian shook his head, his gaze dropping to the floor. "Emma," He ran his fingers through his hair before lifting his head and meeting her gaze. "Are you sure everything is truly okay, love?"
"That depends." Emma smirked, as she pulled on their joined hands and made her way toward the bartop with a shrug of her shoulders. "On whether or not you order me some onion rings with my beer."
Killian laughed, a full laugh that made her heart flutter in her chest."One day, Emma Nolan, you'll be the death of me." He nodded his head, his lips still curled into a wide smile. "Besides, love, when have I ever forgot the onion rings?"
Emma twisted her neck to look behind her. "Never…" Sticking her tongue out childishly, Emma continued. "And hush. You know you love me, Jones."
The moment she twisted her head back around, Emma felt Killian come up behind her. Pressing his chest against her back, he rested his chin on her shoulder so close she could feel his lips against her ear. "Aye." He whispered, his voice low and gravelly as his breath tickled her ear and she inhaled sharply. "That I do, love."
He pulled away quickly, so quick that she could still feel the warmth from his body, and turned his attention toward Ruby with the intention of ordering her drink. Stunned Emma slid into the empty stool next to Killian's and squeezed her eyes shut. Her head fell forward, her chin landing to rest on her chest, and took a deep breath in an effort to calm herself.
Logically she knew Killian had meant nothing by his actions. He was treating her the same way he always had, as his best friend. But her heart, the same heart that just wouldn't let go of her feelings for him, couldn't tell the difference.
If only her heart would listen to her head. If only she could simply stop loving him.
If only...
Killian sighed, his eyes closing momentarily as a satisfied grin formed on his lips. Bloody hell, he'd forgotten how comfortable Emma's bed was. Lacing his fingers behind his head, he crossed his legs at the ankle and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. Perhaps it was the the single beer he'd had at the bar or, perhaps, it was something else, but he hadn't been this relaxed in quite some time. In fact, if he wasn't careful, he was liable to fall asleep right where he lay.
Turning his head to the right, his eyelashes brushed against against the fabric of the pillowcase as he dug his cheek in further. Feeling himself beginning to drift off, he forced his eyes open and blinked several times in an attempt to wake himself. The last thing he wanted was to fall asleep, especially if that meant a premature ending to his night with Emma.
Settling further into Emma's bed, all Killian could think about was how bloody outstanding the last several hours had turned out. Going to the bar had been a marvelous decision. It had been so long since he and Emma had really, truly spent any time together. Especially because, lately, Emma seemed to spend more time either out of her house or in her bedroom than the opposite. Of course she always had some type of excuse, work normally, but that didn't change the fact that he was used to her always being there and lately she hadn't been.
They'd spent a majority of the night talking as they sipped on their beers, a grand total of three for Emma and one for him as he was attempting not to drink as much given the events of the past year. At one point, despite many attempts to dissuade her, Emma even managed to... a grin formed on his lips. Stubborn lass, she'd actually managed to get him to dance with her.
Though, he'd quickly remembered the benefits to dancing as he placed his hands on her hips and she rested her head on her chest. The moment he dropped his head to rest his cheek against the side of her head, he'd known she wouldn't have to force him to dance the rest of the evening. He'd gladly follow Emma to the end of the world, or time, if it meant he was permitted to hold her the way he had tonight.
As the hour grew later, the bar began to fill with the typical Friday night crowd. Around midnight he looked up to see Emma attempting to stifle a yawn. Reaching across the table, he brushed his thumb along the backside of her hand to get her attention and, once her eyes met his, he suggested they call it a night.
His heart skipped a beat as she grinned sleepily in his direction and agreed with the contingency that they watch last week's episode of Game of Thrones upon their arrival.
Besides, I'm not quite ready for the night to end yet.
Her words had been whispered, but he'd heard them regardless. The truth of the matter was that he didn't want it to end either.
Which was how he'd ended up in here, in Emma's bed, wiggling the toes of his sock-clad feet back and forth like a child. It was just… He was happy, happier than he had been in quite a long time. And it wasn't just the events of tonight that had caused his happiness. No…
It was everything he'd been through to get to where is was now.
It was hard to believe that a year ago he'd been in a completely different place as a person. He'd been full of anger, someone who rarely smiled, who rarely laughed. A frown pulled at the corners of his lips.
He'd been broken. So broken, he hadn't thought he'd ever heal the pieces of himself back together.
Scratching the back of his head, he couldn't help the smile that returned to his lips. He had though. He'd healed and it seemed like every day that went by was just another day closer to him returning to his former self, to the person he'd been before Milah's actions. It had been a long, long, road. A road that he never thought he'd reach the end of and, yet, here he was…
And he owed a lot of his progress to Emma.
No… He jerked his head quickly. Shifting, he unlaced his fingers and pulled his arm down to scratch the skin behind his ear. He owed most of his progress to Emma. Without her, he wouldn't be anywhere near where he was today. Emma Nolan had saved him, she'd saved him when he didn't even know he needed saving. She'd saved him and, along the way, he'd fallen in love with her.
He'd fallen in love with his best mate.
His smile fell slightly. Falling in love with Emma had been easy. Well, once he'd realized he was ready to let go of his marriage to Milah it had been easy. It was the aftermath that proved to be a tad difficult. How does one tell their best mate that they'd fallen in love with them? How does one….
Clenching his jaw, Killian closed his eyes in frustration and disappointment. Realizing he was in love with someone should have been exhilarating, it should have been easy. But, it hadn't been. The last four weeks had been nothing like he'd expected. Instead, he'd found himself constantly second guessing every touch, every smile, every time their eyes met across the room. He found himself second guessing everything.
Turning his head to the side, Killian stared at the open door that led to Emma's walk in closet. The light was still on, a clear indication that Emma had not finished preparing for bed, and he could hear her soft footsteps as she maneuvered her way through the area.
Still gazing at the door, Killian felt his heart clench in his chest. It didn't change the fact that the very same night he realized he was in love with her was the night she'd suddenly become very absent.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Killian turned his head away from the door. Bloody hell, he hadn't realized how much he missed her until he saw her in the bar this evening. He understood that she had to work, understood that he and Nate were technically not her responsibility, but he missed her. He missed the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled, missed the way her laugh sounded as it echoed through the house as she ran after Nate, missed sharing breakfast with her in the morning.
He missed simply spending his time with the brilliant lass that was Emma Nolan. Which was why, when Ruby told him Emma had planned on stopping at the bar after her shift, he wasted no time getting there. He'd hoped they could have a nice evening, an evening that was similar to the evenings they'd had prior to Nate's party. He'd hoped things could return to normal and...
"Killian?" His eyes snapped open and his body flinched in surprise. Standing right in front of the closet door was Emma. She'd switched out of her standard jeans and sweater into her pajamas which consisted of a pair of black leggings and a red tank top. Her hair was now pulled into a loose side braid and she'd swapped her contacts out for her glasses. She looked…
"Bloody hell, love." His words were full of awe as they slipped out of his mouth of their own accord. He'd seen Emma in various states of dress throughout their friendship, but seeing her like this, seeing her encased in her natural beauty, she was simply….
Breathtaking.
There was no other word to describe her. Emma had always been a beautiful lass, there was no denying that, but she didn't need fancy dresses, heels, and make-up to look stunning. No, Emma's beauty was natural and seeing her dressed as she was, casual and bare, was a sight to behold.
Realizing the way his voice had sounded, he felt his face heat up in embarrassment. His fingers combed through his locks and he cleared his throat, a vain attempt to cover the wonder that had been present previously, before speaking once more. "A little warning would be nice, lass."
Emma shrugged sheepishly, her face full of regret. "I was just checking to see if you were asleep. Her fingers pulled on the hem of her tank top nervously. "I didn't want to wake you if you were."
Killian nodded, his eyes glued to the small sliver of her stomach he could see as her fingers twisted her top. Her skin was milky white, smooth, and his fingertips itched to reach out and… Clenching his jaw, he fisted his hands in the comforter of the bed and forced his gaze to her eyes.
"But you're not." She continued as she made her way to the empty side of the bed and pulled the comforter back. "Asleep that is." Slipping under the covers, she angled her body toward him and propped her head up with her arm. "So, I'm sorry." She murmured, her voice soft and full of apology.
Killian shook his head gently. "No apologies necessary, love." Angling his body to mirror her position, he lifted his arm to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear as his lips pulled into a teasing grin. "Tis my fault for closing my eyes and drifting for a mere moment. I should have remembered you can be as quiet as a mouse when you want to be."
Emma rolled her eyes, the corners of her lips pulling up into a smile as she shook her head in disbelief. "A mouse? Really? You and I both know the last animal I should be compared to is a mouse, Jones."
Killian arched his eyebrow, his head tilted to the side in thought. "Perhaps a cat then? Quiet, sleek, and strong? Kind of fickle when they want…."
"HEY!" Killian didn't get to finish his sentence as Emma lifted her arm and have him a hard shove to the shoulder. "I am not fickle, Killian Jones! You take that back!"
Killian laughed, a loud full sound that rang throughout the entire room, as he leaned backwards a bit to avoid Emma's next shove. "Take it back? Now why would I do that, love, when it is very much the truth?"
"Ugh" Crossing her arms over her chest, Emma pulled herself into a sitting position and criss-crossed her legs. "You're mean. When have I ever been fickle to you?"
It was the tone of her voice that gave him pause, the underlying hint of hurt that was present. He had been joking, of course, but it seemed Emma had not understood that. Emma had never been fickle towards him, others sure, but him… never. At least not since they first met as children. At least, not until the past several weeks.
Lifting himself up from the bed, Killian reached out and pulled Emma's hand into his own. Intertwining their fingers, he brushed his thumb across the back of her hand. "Never." His whispered words were full of earnest as he met her gaze. "Unless you would like to speak to the past several weeks, love. You know, the ones where my best mate up and disappeared on me most days."
Emma's eyes widened in surprise. She opened her lips to speak only to shut them just as quickly. He could see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes and felt his heart crack just a little bit. He hadn't meant to hurt her, hadn't meant to make her upset, but he also wanted to know why. Why had she pulled away so suddenly? Why, after standing by his side through his lowest points, through his divorce, through his drinking, through his hitting rock bottom, had she pulled away the moment he had finally felt normal, the moment he'd finally felt happy? Why did she pull away the moment he realized that he was in love with her?
Not that she knew that part.
But the night of Nate's party, he had been so sure that she possibly returned his feelings. Only to have her to pull completely away. None of it made sense and although tonight had been a welcomed return to normal for them and their friendship, he still wanted to know. He still wanted to understand.
Reaching up, Killian wiped the corner of her eye with his fingertip gently. "Hey now. None of that, love. It was but a question. I'm just trying to understand where my best mate went."
Emma shrugged, her eyes darting to the side to avoid his gaze. "She's been right here, Killian."
"Right here?" He shook his head dejectedly while motioning to the area around him with his free hand. "You haven't been here, love. When was was the last you ate breakfast with us? Or watched a movie with me? Do you know that Nate did not even want to go see Milah this evening because he wanted to see you when your returned home?" Using his free hand, Killian reached out and brushed his fingertips across her chin to get her to look at him. When their eyes meet, he continued. "I am not sure where you have been exactly, but I know it has not been with us, it had not been with your family."
A sob escaped her lips as the tears finally rolled over onto her cheeks. "My family?" She questioned, her voice soft and full of disbelief. "You're my best friend, Killian and Nate is your son. That's it. That is where it ends."
Pulling her hand free from his, she wiped her cheeks angrily. "And no matter how much I want that to change, how much I wish for it to change... it won't!" Dropping her gaze to the bed, Emma's shoulders dropped in defeat. "You are my best friend Killian, nothing more. How can we be a family when this is the truth of the matter?"
For a moment, he was speechless. He hadn't expected her outburst, hadn't expected her to reveal so much. But she had. She had and it was exactly what he hoped it would be. He just wondered if she realized what she had said.
Reaching out, Killian joined their hands once more. "Emma, love, look at me." She shook her head in refusal and Killian sighed before continuing. "Despite what you may believe, you are my family. You always have been and you always will be. I've missed you these last several weeks. I..."
His voice trailed off as the words caught in his throat. How could he make it clear to her that he wanted the same things she did. If she did in fact want what she had just said. He wanted her, he wanted to be her family, to be more for her. He wanted to wake up every morning next to her and fall asleep every evening the same way. He wanted to spend the weekend surrounded by her and her warmth. He wanted her to be a permanent figure in Nate's life.
And, perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, but he wanted to spend the rest of his life making Emma Nolan happy and filling their home with the laughter of their children. He wanted her to be his.
"Emma." He squeezed her hand, a vain attempt to get her to meet his gaze.
"No." She shook her head dejectedly. "I've missed it all, Killian. I've missed our late night talks, our early morning breakfasts. I've missed Nate. I've missed chasing him around the house and waking to his smile. I've missed…" Her voice wavered and Killian felt his heart skip a beat.
She was so serious, so raw. He could hear it in her voice, feel it in her presence. He'd known Emma his entire life, she was something like an open book to him and whatever she had to say was important to her, but it was also hard for her to speak it out loud. Which was why he couldn't help but feel like whatever she was going to say next would change his life forever.
"You." Her thumb brushed against the skin on the back of his hand gently. "I've missed you, Killian."
There was no denying that the past several weeks had been hard for Killian. In fact, it had been like a piece of his own heart was missing. Every day he woke up and walked around town, he took care of Nate and visited his brother, he worked on his novel and… and he waited. He waited for her to come home, waited for her to join them for breakfast, waited for her to see him as something more. But that was impossible because she wasn't there.
There was no denying that the past several weeks had been hard. In fact, it had been like a piece of his own heart was missing and he'd be a bloody fool if he didn't realize that piece was Emma. Because before everything he'd deemed important had come into his life, before writing, before sailing, before Milah, and before Nate…
There had always been Emma Nolan.
As his name died on her lips, as she lifted her head and met his gaze with her emerald eyes, he forgot how to breathe. Her eyes were full of honesty, full of trust, and, most importantly, they were full of what he hoped was love.
Slowly, without dropping his eyes, Killian pulled his hand from Emma's and lifted it to caress her cheek. "I've missed you too, love." He whispered the words as he pressed his forehead against hers. "And…" Killian paused for a moment and, before he could change his mind, dropped his hand to her waist.
Licking his lips, he searched her eyes once more for any indication that he was wrong in his feelings. Finding none, he murmured the words he'd been dying to say for weeks. "I love you, Emma Nolan."
Then, he inched forward and pressed his lips against hers.
The weight of Killian's lips against hers was something Emma never thought she would get the chance to experience. It was something… Something she'd rarely let herself think about because she'd been so sure it would never happen.
But, sometimes, in rare moments of weakness, her mind would wander and when it did… Well it had never like this. No…
This was far better than anything she'd ever imagined.
Sighing, Emma pressed herself further into the kiss, further into his lips. All of the tension she'd been feeling earlier, all of anger and pain, was gone the moment his lips pressed against hers and all she could think was that she wanted more.
She wanted him. She wanted all of him.
His fingertips trailed up and down her sides, goosebumps formed in their wake. Bending her legs at the knee, Emma shifted her weight atop of them. Her arms lifted, sliding from his chest so her hands could cup his cheeks and comb through the small amount of growth present there. After a moment, her hands continued their journey upward, her fingers locking through his hair.
Getting the hint, Killian moved his hands from her sides to her back and slipped them underneath her tank top. The feeling of his skin touching hers caused her to shiver.
Oh yes. This was way better than anything she'd ever imagined.
Lifting up to rest her weight on her knees, Emma towered over him and open her mouth to deepen the kiss. Following her lead, Killian dropped his head backwards and opened his lips. She felt him smile as he did it and she couldn't help it when her lips lifted ever so slightly.
One of Killian's hands moved from beneath her shirt and cradled the back of her neck. His fingers slid through her hair and tugged gently. Without thinking, her own hands dropped to the hem of his shirt and tugged it down. Then, up.
Off. She wanted it off. Wanted to feel the skin on his chest. To run her hands through the hair that was there.
Shaking his head, he released her hair and slid his other hand from under her shirt. Breaking the kiss, he wasted no time in replacing her hands on his shirt and pulling it over his head. As soon as it was off, Emma dove right back in and pressed her lips against his.
Her hands pressed against his chest, his skin felt like fire underneath beneath her. Hot. She was too hot. She wanted…
Circling his arms around her, Killian lifted himself to his knees and pressed forward. The moment her back hit the bed, she felt herself smile through their kiss once more.
Pressing his leg between hers, Killian's lips moved from her lips to her cheeks, under her ear, down, down, until he reached the skin of her neck. Wiggling, she pushed her body up in search of some type of friction.
God, she wanted him. Wanted him so badly she could feel it in the pit of her stomach, in the tips of her toes.
"Emma." He whispered into the skin of her neck. "Emma."
Her body went stiff as the sound of his voice hit her ears. It was like she'd been doused in cold water. Panic rose in her throat.
What the fuck was she doing?
This was Killian. She was making out with Killian. Killian, her best friend. Killian who had just gotten over his divorce to the love of his life. Killian who'd spent the last year wallowing in self-hate and hitting in rock bottom.
What the fuck was she doing?
Wasn't the whole reason she'd pull away the last couple of weeks to avoid this? To avoid ruining their friendship? Wasn't…
"Emma?" Killian's voice was full of confusion as he lifted himself up to catch her gaze. "Love?"
Closing her eyes, she pressed her hand flat against his bare chest. Her head shook, her eyes filled with tears. This was such a bad idea. This was…
"Stop." Her voice wobbled as the words left her lips. "Please stop."
Killian, ever the gentleman, immediately heeded her words and moved to sit next to her on the bed. Lifting his arm, he tugged the hair at the nape of his neck in confusion. "What… Emma I do not understand. What is the matter love?"
"I'm sorry." The words tumbled out of her mouth quickly, though she is not sure what she is apologizing for.
His hand reached out and the moment she felt his skin against hers she jumped out of the bed. Standing next to the bed, she wrapped her arms around her waist and lifted her eyes to meet his.
As soon as her gaze locked on his, her heart shatters in her chest. His blue eyes are full of nothing but confusion and pain. Confusion and pain that she put there. She really messed this up.
Killian ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes never leaving hers. "Emma." His words were full of understanding as he begged her to listen. "Do not over think this, Emma. Please." His arm dropped to his side. "I love you."
But that was the whole problem. He loved her. It was something she never thought would happen. Something she's convinced herself was improbable because she knew that it didn't matter. He might love her and she might love him but, in the end, she would lose him. Just like she'd lost everyone else she'd ever loved.
You're incapable of love, Emma. That's what happens when you grow up the way you did. That's why you always lose the people who claim to love you.
Walsh's words from months ago come back to her in that instant. He was right. She'd hated him when he'd said it, but he was right.
Tightening her arms around her waist, she took a step away from the bed. She couldn't lose Killian too. Not him, anyone but Killian. Lifting her hand, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I… I can't." Biting her lip, she focused her gaze on the floor below her feet. "I can't lose you, too. I can't.."
In that moment, the feeling of warm hands as they cupped her cheeks pull her from of her thoughts. Killian stood in front of her, his head ducked in an attempt to catch her gaze. His eyes are full of kindness, of understanding, and of love. Her breath catches in her throat.
Despite what she knew, despite her fear of losing him, she cannot deny that she wanted him. She loves him.
"Hey." He whispered the word gently as she pulled her head up to meet his gaze further. "It's just me, Emma. Just me and you. I know you're scared. Bloody hell, I am too but… give me a chance, love. Give us a chance."
Give us a chance.
In that moment, Emma realized that she wanted nothing more than to do that very thing. She wanted a chance, a chance to figure out what they were, what they could be.
"Okay." Her lips lifted into a smile, lightness filled her chest as she felt her head nod. "Okay."
Killian grinned, his thumb rising to wipe at her cheek where the tears had fallen once more. "Yeah?" He questioned. "Truly?"
She felt her eyes crinkle as her smile widened. "Yes, truly. I love you, Killian Jones and I want to try."
Propelling herself forward, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his.
Thank you for reading and please leave me a review to let me know what you think!