Title: Gardening Gone Awry
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I own all rights to the Plagiarizing Pansy.
One particularly overcast afternoon, Lucius Malfoy stood in the "secret" section of his garden with one Severus Snape. Snape (everyone referred to him as such, except for Lucius) was collecting some rather "exotic" ingredients to brew a "medicinal elixir" for Lucius and himself. A rather green and very calming medicinal elixir. Oh, have it your own way! Snape was cutting wormwood in order to brew a batch of his special absinthe; a centuries old recipe within the Snape family.
"How bright your garden looks!"
"Severus, stop stealing dialog from Tolkien's books and harvest that wormwood. I've had a most stressful week at the Ministry," stated Lucius Malfoy in his usual haughty tone.
"I did not say that, you insufferably dense blond. It was that damn Plagiarizing Pansy!" retorted Snape, jerking his greasy head toward the offending plant.
How Snape loathed pansies, but then, he loathed all pretty floras unless he could chop it up to brew a mind-altering concoction of some sort. You might wonder how Snape could get away with being so rude to the aristocratic Lucius. Well it is quite simple: Snape brewed a killer absinthe. Plus, he was quite good at harvesting poppies and cannabis leaves and other illegal plants that flourished in Lucius Malfoy's garden.
Lucius raised an elegant blond eyebrow at this.
"I gave my gardener specific instructions to have that plant removed. I shall have to have him killed and advertise for a new gardener," he stated as if discussing the weather.
Snape grumbled something as he continued to labor over the wormwood, cigarette positioned in one corner of his mouth between clenched, uneven teeth. Snape always grumbled because ninety-nine percent of the time he was in a foul mood. The remaining one percent of happiness in his life was split between drug or alcohol induced highs, deducting points from the other Houses in Hogwarts (particularly Gryffindor), and making his students lives miserable (particularly those of Gryffindor).
Lucius sighed with impatience and idlely tapped his regal can against the ground. Glancing here and there, his sharp eyes noticed a flagstone path, mostly hidden by tall flowering hedges that snaked further into the garden.
'I don't recall that path being there before,' he thought.
"Where does it lead?" he wondered aloud.
"I don't know! Stop bothering me!" snarled Snape without looking up.
Snape had absolutely no inclination as to what Lucius was referring to. He didn't much care. Snape generally responded hatefully to all questions without paying much heed to the actual contents of them.
Finger poised thoughtfully beneath his nose, Lucius stepped closer to the winding path.
"For a mentat, you talk too much, Piter," semi-quoted the Plagiarizing Pansy.
"Shut up, you insufferable plant!" hissed Snape, glaring at the Plagiarizing Pansy with utter hatred in his black eyes. "Lucius, if you'll allow me a moment, I'll take the Floo Network back to my place and get my special plant poison. Lucius?"
The Potions Master was not pleased to look up and see his friend ignoring him and following a path into thick foliage.
"Where are you going, Lucius? You do realize that I hate you! Damn it! He really can't hear me, and now I'm sitting here talking to myself like a moron."
With a Snapish scowl, Snape got to his feet and went after his friend. He paused beside the Plagiarizing Pansy and gave it a good kick before continuing on his way. Snape intended to give Lucius a thorough bitching once he caught up with him. However, before Snape could ever open his mouth, he and Lucius turned and came to a dead halt.
"Severus...do you see what I see?" whispered a mystified Lucius.
"I'm...not...sure," replied a very confused Potions Master.
As Deatheaters, the two Slytherins had seen many things most people cannot even begin to fathom, but this!
They stood in an amazing technicolor garden with enormous flowers in groovy tempera colors; rainbow mushrooms the size of buses; purple ponds; lemon custard lily pads, and grass such a stunning emerald green it seem to swim the longer one stared at it. A faint melody filled the air, growing louder by degrees. Lucius jabbed Snape with his cane.
"Look at that!" he exclaimed, pointing with a gloved finger.
"Ow! That hurt, you dirty son-of-a-"
Snape's eternal bitching failed him when he saw the source of Lucius' awe.
Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron stood atop a stage made entirely of ribbon candy. Clad in their Beatles Sgt. Pepper's outfits (complete with moustaches) the four played instruments and Draco began to sing.
"Picture yourself in a boat on the river with, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies."
Lucius had recovered enough to shout at his son, "Draco! What in the name of Merlin's feminine outerwear are you doing?"
"Something calls you, you answer quite slowly, a girl with kaleidoscope eyes," sang Draco.
Ron began to play the drums and all four children (or teenagers, if you like) sang in unison:
"Lucius in the sky with diamonds!"
The sky began to show fantastic kaleidoscopic images that somehow bore faint resemblances to Lucius Malfoy. An enormous pink cloud shaped like Lucius Malfoy's cameo, floated by and showered, no not diamonds, but heaps of Hershey's Kisses right on Snape's greasy black head.
"Ouch! Stop that, you idiotic cloud! The-are these chocolates?" demanded the irritable Potions Master, his large nose inhaling the rich aroma of the Muggle sweets. "Merlin's happy trail, Lucius! It is raining chocolate!"
Crafty Slytherin that he is, Snape dropped to his knees and scooped handfuls of Hershey's Kisses into his voluminous black robes.
"Lucius in the skyy-y-y-yyy with diaaaaaaaaamonds!" sang the teenagers.
"This is fucked up," stated Lucius Malfoy, because he did not know what else to say.
His cane sprouted Elrond type eyebrows and replied, "Indeed it is, my good sir. Excuse me now; I am late for the races."
Lucius Malfoy's cane then walked across the grassy knoll and disappeared into the enormous Rocky Horror Picture Show lips that lowered, then burst into golden streamers.
"This is too strange for me," declared Lucius and ran in a random direction.
Snape continued to stuff his robes with chocolates. The Head of Slytherin House cursed loudly when Lucius yanked him upright and forced him to run. You see, Lucius had run all the way back to retrieve his friend. Wasn't that nice of Lucius? Actually, he only came back because he was scared to be along amongst the madness.
The pink cloud cameo of Lucius tried to follow but could not enter the next scene, which contained fruit trees. Candied fruit trees. Draco's voice gently wafted through the breeze.
"Let me take you down, 'cos I'm going to...Strawberry Fields...nothing is real...and nothing to get hung about. Strawberry Fields forever."
Snape popped another Hershey's kiss into his mouth and lit a cigarette. Then he noticed...
"Lucius, where is your cane?"
"It went to the races."
Snape eyed Lucius as though he were mentally unstable, but said nothing. The two walked past a shrubbery of peppermint tassels and came across a lime picket fence housing some very normal-looking sheep.
"That's odd," commented Snape, meaning it was odd for the sheep to be so normal in the abnormal garden.
One of the sheep turned around. Then another and another. Each bore the face of Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts. Both Slytherins recoiled.
"Now that is just plain disturbing," remarked Lucius as they backed away from the fence and decided to go right.
"I liked the other scene better," grumbled Snape, unwrapped another Hershey Kiss, and tossed the foil wrapper onto the ground.
No sooner had Snape spoken than a roaring sound broke the quiet. A purple haze of cotton candy smoke enveloped them. When the smoke cleared, a large bus that looked as though the Knight Bus and the Mystery Machine had united and spawned offspring, appeared.
"My clothes reek of cotton candy," exclaimed an outraged Lucius.
Snape decided to keep silent the fact that Lucius' prized ash blond hair held the faintest tinge of purple. Instead, Snape smirked and ate more chocolate.
The doors of the bus opened and Stan Shunpike stood in the doorway.
"Roll up!" he shouted.
Drums started to play and a chorus sang, "Roll up for the Mystery Tour!"
Snape swallowed his Hershey Kiss whole as he and Lucius instinctively clutched one another in their fear.
Draco appeared in complete Willie Wonka regalia, followed by Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Marcus Flint and Blaise Zabini.
"Roll up!" sang Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Marcus Flint and Blaise Zabini.
"And that's an invitation," sang Draco in reply, doing neat tricks with his top hat.
"Roll up for the Mystery Tour!" chorused the Slytherins, who were dressed like the Scooby Doo gang. "Roll up!"
"To make a reservation," continued Draco, leading his group toward the bus and twirling his Willie Wonka replica cane.
Harry, Hermione and Ron (still on the drums) lowered from a stage made up to resemble a cosmic rainbow. They still wore their Sgt. Pepper's outfits, moustaches included.
Snape frowned at his friend and said, "Only you would have a garden with a Mystery Tour."
"This is not of my doing," insisted Lucius. "Stop eating my chocolate!" he added, whacking a Hershey Kiss out of Snape's bony fingers.
"It fell from the sky, you nitwit! It was free for the taking!"
"Well, it fell in my garden; therefore, it is my chocolate and I believe you have had quite enough," retorted Lucius most airily.
Snape scowled and muttered something akin to, "At least I do not own a ridiculous cane that attends the races."
"The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away," sang Draco, jumping atop the bus.
"Waiting to take you away!" chorused the Slytherins, already aboard the bus and leaning out the windows.
A mystified moose (please don't ask) flew by, gently puffing on a dandelion cigar.
"Now I have seen everything," stated Lucius and hurried on his way.
"Wait for me!" Snape swooped by the bus and after his friend.
Blaise Zabini caught hold of Snape's sleeve.
"Professor, wait! You must accompany the Slytherins on the Magical Mystery Tour," insisted Blaise, trying to heave Snape inside the bus through the window.
"I do not want to go on the bloody Magical Mystery Tour. Let go at once!" commanded Snape, prepared to chop off his own arm to escape if necessary.
Everything turned sideways. Lucius and Snape fell into the gaping maw of the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips that appeared in midair.
"Is this part of the Magical Mystery Tour?" Lucius wanted to know.
Snape hit him in response, though he had secretly wondered the same thing.
A moment later, Snape screamed; all his beloved Hershey Kisses had fallen from the lined inner pockets of his black robes into the neon orange abyss below.
"I have entirely lost my faith!" he announced with candor.
Lucius only shook his head. Severus always had to be so dramatic.
A gong sounded. The two men found themselves seated at a large dinner table in a red room surrounded by mirrors a black void in place of a ceiling.
Hermione Granger sat on an oversized tuffet, playing a sitar. She had traded her Sgt. Pepper's attire and moustache for a simple toga made of pink cloud sheets. In other words, sheets with pink clouds printed on them. Yes, the same pink cloud that resembled Lucius Malfoy's cameo was patterned on Hermione Granger's toga. Snape felt a tad jealous that his cameo had not been immortalized onto clothing.
"Welcome, honored guests," greeted Draco from the head of the table. Draco had decided to wear his more conservative Jedi Master robes.
Harry and Ron sat sharing a hookah across from Hermione. Both work kilts and dinner jacket with bright red carnations. Draco looked at Hermione and nodded. Hermione stopped playing the sitar and clapped her hands twice.
"Bring forth the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth," she called out in a loud, clear voice.
Lucius and Snape exchanged quizzical looks. Lucius shrugged at Snape, who narrowed his black eyebrows. Neville Longbottom emerged from one of the mirrors, bearing a most groovy lava lamp. He placed the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth in the middle of the dinner table and vanished. Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron bowed deeply in reverence before the most groovy lava lamp.
"Oooooooh man...I'm so freakin' stoned," coughed Ron.
"Shhhh!" hissed the other teenagers.
Bizarre music filled the air. This told Snape and Lucius that things were about to get very strange.
Draco tied an electric blue scarf covered with bright yellow smiley faces around his head and sang, "I am he as you are he as we are all together." He and the other teenagers began to hop around the dinner table. "See how they run like pigs from a gun..."
Harry and Ron's hookah suddenly spewed great bursts of lovely paisley smoke as Draco continued the song. Lucius and Snape began to cough violently and their eyes watered profusely.
"I-can't-breathe," hacked Snape.
"Just go with it, man," said Harry, beginning to ungulate.
"Draco Malfoy, I've had quite enough of this nonsense. Sit down, young man," ordered Lucius, struggling not to succumb to the spaced out sensation overtaking him.
Draco leapt onto the table and sang the best part:
"I am the eggman!"
Harry, Hermione and Ron dropped to one knee and pointed at Draco while singing, "Oooh!"
"They are the eggman," continued Draco, dancing around the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth.
Harry, Hermione and Ron threw their arms up in the air, twirled once, and sang, "Oooooh!"
"I am the walrus. GOO GOO G'JOOB!" finished Draco and bit into a dodecahedron waffle.
The mirrored walls lifted and sunshine filled the room that was suddenly outside. A new tune filled the air, as did much intoxicating paisley smoke from Ron and Harry's hookah; now the size of a small house. The Lava Lamp of Divine Truth had also grown to vast proportions and glowed with colors not of this world.
Snape and Lucius found themselves amongst a large crowd of people, holding hands and standing around the now tremendous Lava Lamp of Divine Truth. Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron were present, once more wearing their Sgt. Pepper's finery, moustaches included. The Slytherins were there, as were Neville Longbottom, the Argus Filch headed sheep (remember them?); the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips; Lucuis Malfoy's cane (who had won a tidy sum at the races); the pink cloud that resembled Lucius Malfoy's cameo; the mystified moose with the dandelion cigar, and the Plagiarizing Pansy.
"We all live in a yellow submarine. Yellow submarine. Yellow submarine," sang everybody.
Lucius and Snape sang along as well, for they were mightily stoned.
"This is the coolest moment of my life!" proclaimed Lucius and hopped aboard the yellow submarine carousel that had recently been the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth.
"I love the yellow submarine!" exclaimed Snape, genuinely happy for once in his life as he shared a dandelion cigar with the mystified moose.
Narcissa walked over to them and said, "Wake up, Lucius! Do you want to be late for work?"
Lucius Malfoy jerked awake to find his wife shaking him. He did not know whether to thank Narcissa or be angry at her. Lucius hurried to get ready for work with the dream fresh on his mind.
"That had to be the oddest thing I have ever dreamed in my entire life," he said aloud, grabbing his cane before Apparating to the Ministry of Magic.
"I quite agree," replied his cane that had suddenly sprouted Elrond type eyebrows.
FIN
A/N: All song lyrics belong to the Beatles and their record company. Any Lord of the Rings dialogue belongs to the Tolkien estate. Kudos to those of you who guessed the line from the late Frank Herbert's "Dune".
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I own all rights to the Plagiarizing Pansy.
One particularly overcast afternoon, Lucius Malfoy stood in the "secret" section of his garden with one Severus Snape. Snape (everyone referred to him as such, except for Lucius) was collecting some rather "exotic" ingredients to brew a "medicinal elixir" for Lucius and himself. A rather green and very calming medicinal elixir. Oh, have it your own way! Snape was cutting wormwood in order to brew a batch of his special absinthe; a centuries old recipe within the Snape family.
"How bright your garden looks!"
"Severus, stop stealing dialog from Tolkien's books and harvest that wormwood. I've had a most stressful week at the Ministry," stated Lucius Malfoy in his usual haughty tone.
"I did not say that, you insufferably dense blond. It was that damn Plagiarizing Pansy!" retorted Snape, jerking his greasy head toward the offending plant.
How Snape loathed pansies, but then, he loathed all pretty floras unless he could chop it up to brew a mind-altering concoction of some sort. You might wonder how Snape could get away with being so rude to the aristocratic Lucius. Well it is quite simple: Snape brewed a killer absinthe. Plus, he was quite good at harvesting poppies and cannabis leaves and other illegal plants that flourished in Lucius Malfoy's garden.
Lucius raised an elegant blond eyebrow at this.
"I gave my gardener specific instructions to have that plant removed. I shall have to have him killed and advertise for a new gardener," he stated as if discussing the weather.
Snape grumbled something as he continued to labor over the wormwood, cigarette positioned in one corner of his mouth between clenched, uneven teeth. Snape always grumbled because ninety-nine percent of the time he was in a foul mood. The remaining one percent of happiness in his life was split between drug or alcohol induced highs, deducting points from the other Houses in Hogwarts (particularly Gryffindor), and making his students lives miserable (particularly those of Gryffindor).
Lucius sighed with impatience and idlely tapped his regal can against the ground. Glancing here and there, his sharp eyes noticed a flagstone path, mostly hidden by tall flowering hedges that snaked further into the garden.
'I don't recall that path being there before,' he thought.
"Where does it lead?" he wondered aloud.
"I don't know! Stop bothering me!" snarled Snape without looking up.
Snape had absolutely no inclination as to what Lucius was referring to. He didn't much care. Snape generally responded hatefully to all questions without paying much heed to the actual contents of them.
Finger poised thoughtfully beneath his nose, Lucius stepped closer to the winding path.
"For a mentat, you talk too much, Piter," semi-quoted the Plagiarizing Pansy.
"Shut up, you insufferable plant!" hissed Snape, glaring at the Plagiarizing Pansy with utter hatred in his black eyes. "Lucius, if you'll allow me a moment, I'll take the Floo Network back to my place and get my special plant poison. Lucius?"
The Potions Master was not pleased to look up and see his friend ignoring him and following a path into thick foliage.
"Where are you going, Lucius? You do realize that I hate you! Damn it! He really can't hear me, and now I'm sitting here talking to myself like a moron."
With a Snapish scowl, Snape got to his feet and went after his friend. He paused beside the Plagiarizing Pansy and gave it a good kick before continuing on his way. Snape intended to give Lucius a thorough bitching once he caught up with him. However, before Snape could ever open his mouth, he and Lucius turned and came to a dead halt.
"Severus...do you see what I see?" whispered a mystified Lucius.
"I'm...not...sure," replied a very confused Potions Master.
As Deatheaters, the two Slytherins had seen many things most people cannot even begin to fathom, but this!
They stood in an amazing technicolor garden with enormous flowers in groovy tempera colors; rainbow mushrooms the size of buses; purple ponds; lemon custard lily pads, and grass such a stunning emerald green it seem to swim the longer one stared at it. A faint melody filled the air, growing louder by degrees. Lucius jabbed Snape with his cane.
"Look at that!" he exclaimed, pointing with a gloved finger.
"Ow! That hurt, you dirty son-of-a-"
Snape's eternal bitching failed him when he saw the source of Lucius' awe.
Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron stood atop a stage made entirely of ribbon candy. Clad in their Beatles Sgt. Pepper's outfits (complete with moustaches) the four played instruments and Draco began to sing.
"Picture yourself in a boat on the river with, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies."
Lucius had recovered enough to shout at his son, "Draco! What in the name of Merlin's feminine outerwear are you doing?"
"Something calls you, you answer quite slowly, a girl with kaleidoscope eyes," sang Draco.
Ron began to play the drums and all four children (or teenagers, if you like) sang in unison:
"Lucius in the sky with diamonds!"
The sky began to show fantastic kaleidoscopic images that somehow bore faint resemblances to Lucius Malfoy. An enormous pink cloud shaped like Lucius Malfoy's cameo, floated by and showered, no not diamonds, but heaps of Hershey's Kisses right on Snape's greasy black head.
"Ouch! Stop that, you idiotic cloud! The-are these chocolates?" demanded the irritable Potions Master, his large nose inhaling the rich aroma of the Muggle sweets. "Merlin's happy trail, Lucius! It is raining chocolate!"
Crafty Slytherin that he is, Snape dropped to his knees and scooped handfuls of Hershey's Kisses into his voluminous black robes.
"Lucius in the skyy-y-y-yyy with diaaaaaaaaamonds!" sang the teenagers.
"This is fucked up," stated Lucius Malfoy, because he did not know what else to say.
His cane sprouted Elrond type eyebrows and replied, "Indeed it is, my good sir. Excuse me now; I am late for the races."
Lucius Malfoy's cane then walked across the grassy knoll and disappeared into the enormous Rocky Horror Picture Show lips that lowered, then burst into golden streamers.
"This is too strange for me," declared Lucius and ran in a random direction.
Snape continued to stuff his robes with chocolates. The Head of Slytherin House cursed loudly when Lucius yanked him upright and forced him to run. You see, Lucius had run all the way back to retrieve his friend. Wasn't that nice of Lucius? Actually, he only came back because he was scared to be along amongst the madness.
The pink cloud cameo of Lucius tried to follow but could not enter the next scene, which contained fruit trees. Candied fruit trees. Draco's voice gently wafted through the breeze.
"Let me take you down, 'cos I'm going to...Strawberry Fields...nothing is real...and nothing to get hung about. Strawberry Fields forever."
Snape popped another Hershey's kiss into his mouth and lit a cigarette. Then he noticed...
"Lucius, where is your cane?"
"It went to the races."
Snape eyed Lucius as though he were mentally unstable, but said nothing. The two walked past a shrubbery of peppermint tassels and came across a lime picket fence housing some very normal-looking sheep.
"That's odd," commented Snape, meaning it was odd for the sheep to be so normal in the abnormal garden.
One of the sheep turned around. Then another and another. Each bore the face of Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts. Both Slytherins recoiled.
"Now that is just plain disturbing," remarked Lucius as they backed away from the fence and decided to go right.
"I liked the other scene better," grumbled Snape, unwrapped another Hershey Kiss, and tossed the foil wrapper onto the ground.
No sooner had Snape spoken than a roaring sound broke the quiet. A purple haze of cotton candy smoke enveloped them. When the smoke cleared, a large bus that looked as though the Knight Bus and the Mystery Machine had united and spawned offspring, appeared.
"My clothes reek of cotton candy," exclaimed an outraged Lucius.
Snape decided to keep silent the fact that Lucius' prized ash blond hair held the faintest tinge of purple. Instead, Snape smirked and ate more chocolate.
The doors of the bus opened and Stan Shunpike stood in the doorway.
"Roll up!" he shouted.
Drums started to play and a chorus sang, "Roll up for the Mystery Tour!"
Snape swallowed his Hershey Kiss whole as he and Lucius instinctively clutched one another in their fear.
Draco appeared in complete Willie Wonka regalia, followed by Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Marcus Flint and Blaise Zabini.
"Roll up!" sang Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Marcus Flint and Blaise Zabini.
"And that's an invitation," sang Draco in reply, doing neat tricks with his top hat.
"Roll up for the Mystery Tour!" chorused the Slytherins, who were dressed like the Scooby Doo gang. "Roll up!"
"To make a reservation," continued Draco, leading his group toward the bus and twirling his Willie Wonka replica cane.
Harry, Hermione and Ron (still on the drums) lowered from a stage made up to resemble a cosmic rainbow. They still wore their Sgt. Pepper's outfits, moustaches included.
Snape frowned at his friend and said, "Only you would have a garden with a Mystery Tour."
"This is not of my doing," insisted Lucius. "Stop eating my chocolate!" he added, whacking a Hershey Kiss out of Snape's bony fingers.
"It fell from the sky, you nitwit! It was free for the taking!"
"Well, it fell in my garden; therefore, it is my chocolate and I believe you have had quite enough," retorted Lucius most airily.
Snape scowled and muttered something akin to, "At least I do not own a ridiculous cane that attends the races."
"The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away," sang Draco, jumping atop the bus.
"Waiting to take you away!" chorused the Slytherins, already aboard the bus and leaning out the windows.
A mystified moose (please don't ask) flew by, gently puffing on a dandelion cigar.
"Now I have seen everything," stated Lucius and hurried on his way.
"Wait for me!" Snape swooped by the bus and after his friend.
Blaise Zabini caught hold of Snape's sleeve.
"Professor, wait! You must accompany the Slytherins on the Magical Mystery Tour," insisted Blaise, trying to heave Snape inside the bus through the window.
"I do not want to go on the bloody Magical Mystery Tour. Let go at once!" commanded Snape, prepared to chop off his own arm to escape if necessary.
Everything turned sideways. Lucius and Snape fell into the gaping maw of the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips that appeared in midair.
"Is this part of the Magical Mystery Tour?" Lucius wanted to know.
Snape hit him in response, though he had secretly wondered the same thing.
A moment later, Snape screamed; all his beloved Hershey Kisses had fallen from the lined inner pockets of his black robes into the neon orange abyss below.
"I have entirely lost my faith!" he announced with candor.
Lucius only shook his head. Severus always had to be so dramatic.
A gong sounded. The two men found themselves seated at a large dinner table in a red room surrounded by mirrors a black void in place of a ceiling.
Hermione Granger sat on an oversized tuffet, playing a sitar. She had traded her Sgt. Pepper's attire and moustache for a simple toga made of pink cloud sheets. In other words, sheets with pink clouds printed on them. Yes, the same pink cloud that resembled Lucius Malfoy's cameo was patterned on Hermione Granger's toga. Snape felt a tad jealous that his cameo had not been immortalized onto clothing.
"Welcome, honored guests," greeted Draco from the head of the table. Draco had decided to wear his more conservative Jedi Master robes.
Harry and Ron sat sharing a hookah across from Hermione. Both work kilts and dinner jacket with bright red carnations. Draco looked at Hermione and nodded. Hermione stopped playing the sitar and clapped her hands twice.
"Bring forth the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth," she called out in a loud, clear voice.
Lucius and Snape exchanged quizzical looks. Lucius shrugged at Snape, who narrowed his black eyebrows. Neville Longbottom emerged from one of the mirrors, bearing a most groovy lava lamp. He placed the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth in the middle of the dinner table and vanished. Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron bowed deeply in reverence before the most groovy lava lamp.
"Oooooooh man...I'm so freakin' stoned," coughed Ron.
"Shhhh!" hissed the other teenagers.
Bizarre music filled the air. This told Snape and Lucius that things were about to get very strange.
Draco tied an electric blue scarf covered with bright yellow smiley faces around his head and sang, "I am he as you are he as we are all together." He and the other teenagers began to hop around the dinner table. "See how they run like pigs from a gun..."
Harry and Ron's hookah suddenly spewed great bursts of lovely paisley smoke as Draco continued the song. Lucius and Snape began to cough violently and their eyes watered profusely.
"I-can't-breathe," hacked Snape.
"Just go with it, man," said Harry, beginning to ungulate.
"Draco Malfoy, I've had quite enough of this nonsense. Sit down, young man," ordered Lucius, struggling not to succumb to the spaced out sensation overtaking him.
Draco leapt onto the table and sang the best part:
"I am the eggman!"
Harry, Hermione and Ron dropped to one knee and pointed at Draco while singing, "Oooh!"
"They are the eggman," continued Draco, dancing around the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth.
Harry, Hermione and Ron threw their arms up in the air, twirled once, and sang, "Oooooh!"
"I am the walrus. GOO GOO G'JOOB!" finished Draco and bit into a dodecahedron waffle.
The mirrored walls lifted and sunshine filled the room that was suddenly outside. A new tune filled the air, as did much intoxicating paisley smoke from Ron and Harry's hookah; now the size of a small house. The Lava Lamp of Divine Truth had also grown to vast proportions and glowed with colors not of this world.
Snape and Lucius found themselves amongst a large crowd of people, holding hands and standing around the now tremendous Lava Lamp of Divine Truth. Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron were present, once more wearing their Sgt. Pepper's finery, moustaches included. The Slytherins were there, as were Neville Longbottom, the Argus Filch headed sheep (remember them?); the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips; Lucuis Malfoy's cane (who had won a tidy sum at the races); the pink cloud that resembled Lucius Malfoy's cameo; the mystified moose with the dandelion cigar, and the Plagiarizing Pansy.
"We all live in a yellow submarine. Yellow submarine. Yellow submarine," sang everybody.
Lucius and Snape sang along as well, for they were mightily stoned.
"This is the coolest moment of my life!" proclaimed Lucius and hopped aboard the yellow submarine carousel that had recently been the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth.
"I love the yellow submarine!" exclaimed Snape, genuinely happy for once in his life as he shared a dandelion cigar with the mystified moose.
Narcissa walked over to them and said, "Wake up, Lucius! Do you want to be late for work?"
Lucius Malfoy jerked awake to find his wife shaking him. He did not know whether to thank Narcissa or be angry at her. Lucius hurried to get ready for work with the dream fresh on his mind.
"That had to be the oddest thing I have ever dreamed in my entire life," he said aloud, grabbing his cane before Apparating to the Ministry of Magic.
"I quite agree," replied his cane that had suddenly sprouted Elrond type eyebrows.
FIN
A/N: All song lyrics belong to the Beatles and their record company. Any Lord of the Rings dialogue belongs to the Tolkien estate. Kudos to those of you who guessed the line from the late Frank Herbert's "Dune".