Chapter 14:

What Never Will Be

Javier clasped his hands together over the crisp white bed sheets. Maybe in an attempt of prayer, or maybe in an attempt to calm his shaking hands. He bent his head over the side of the bed and listened to the gentle beep measuring Ryan's slow heartbeat. Several hours of surgery and he had barely pulled through. His side was stitched and bandaged, his arm had been re-casted, and his cuts and bruises had been cleaned and fixed, but still he looked like death was waiting around the corner.

Honestly they were lucky to be alive, but Javier didn't feel lucky, not sitting at Kevin's bedside like this. The only bit of reassurance he had to pull him through was the knowledge that Warrek was behind bars and, in the hours he had been sitting in the waiting room, fearing the worst, they'd received word that more people were coming forward to testify. As soon as word spread of Ryan's bravery, they started to feel it in themselves and came forward. Ryan had shown them that Danny wasn't invincible, he was just a man. The department was overwhelmed with confessions, Daniel Warrek was going away for a long time.

But it was hardly enough. All Javier really wanted was for Kevin to open his eyes and make a crack at him, or say something nerdy and stupid, but that wasn't happening any time soon. Esposito took a deep ragged breath. He had something on his mind and it had to come out before it was too late. "Kev…" His voice rasped harshly. "Kevin, I am so… so sorry."

He wanted to say more, he wanted to confess all his sins. But it was too hard. His eyes started to burn with tears as he watched his best friend's chest rise and fall slowly. He gripped Kevin's wrist tightly until he felt a pulse beneath his pale skin and listened to the monitor keep the same steady rhythm. He just needed the confirmation he was still alive.

A sudden noise in the hallway made Javier rush to wipe at his eyes. "Castle you bought to many." Beckett scolded from somewhere down the hallway.

"I did not." The writer squeaked in defense.

Kate appeared in the doorway and smiled at her detective. Her eyes looked him over and filled again with concern. Javier had a quite a few bandages of his own and she had looked at him like that every time she'd seen him. She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by an awful noise as Castle tried to fit though the door with enough balloons to carry a man to the moon and a giant teddy bear crushed in his arms. The writer struggled to find a spot for all the gifts, making even more noise. It was all so… Castle, and it made Javier smile. He wiped it away as soon as the writer looked at him with a massive grin. "How is he?"

Javier lowered his head, "About the same. The doctor was here, she said he was still stable but there was no change."

Beckett rubbed his shoulder. "He's going to be okay. If there's one thing I've learned about Ryan, it's that he's a fighter."

Esposito smiled and nodded. "He is." He cleared his throat, fighting off more tears. He wouldn't cry in front of his friends. "So how's the case?"

Castle grinned. "Warrek is calling in an armada of lawyers. He's threatening lawsuits against you, us, the captain, the precinct..."

Javier started at him blankly. "Then why are you smiling?"

"Because even if all those lawyers were carrying shovels made of gold there's no way he could dig himself out from under all the confessions that are still coming in. Warrek is screwed and he knows it." Castle laughed happily at the thought.

"Good." Javier shifted his seat, moving it closer to the bedside.

"Are you hungry?" Beckett questioned. "When did you eat last?"

"I'm fine."

She crossed her arms. "That's not what I asked. Maybe you should get some rest, Castle and I can sit with him for a while." The writer nodded in agreement.

Esposito frowned. "Did you know no one has come to visit him? I tried calling his family but they… well, they're not here. He has nobody but me."

"And us." Beckett interrupted sharply.

"Yeah." Castle cut in. "Alexis and my mother will be stopping by today too."

"I think Lanie and some of the other officers mentioned visiting as soon as they could." Beckett added. "He's not alone Javi, and he's safe. It's okay, you can get some rest."

"I will… in a while. I'm just going to stay here a little longer."

Beckett sighed at his stubbornness but relented. "Alright, but I'm going to go get you some food and you will eat it."

Esposito smirked. "Yes ma'am."

Kate rolled her eyes. She quickly adjusted Kevin's blankets and patted down his hair before walking from the room. "Come on Castle, you're paying for lunch."

Rick turned and ran face first into his bouquet of balloons, getting tangled in the strings. He made a cacophony of noise before finally freeing himself and waving goodbye.

Javier laughed and shook his head. He was grateful for his friends… even Castle. They had done so much for him during this whole mess and were still giving. He would have to thank them somehow. But that was how friends worked. No matter what, they stuck by your side. If only Javier had learned how friends were supposed to treat each other sooner, then Kevin wouldn't be where he is now.

Javier sighed. He would have to learn to forgive himself one day but it wouldn't happen anytime soon. Not until he fixed things. Never again would he allow Ryan resort to drug use as an escape or search through dumpsters for his next meal. That would all change. Kevin just had to wake up and give him the chance to make it all right. He felt again for the pulse at Ryan's wrist before laying his head down on the bedside. Slowly he drifted off to the calm tempo of his friend's pulse, taking comfort in knowing that he was still alive.

The first thing Ryan felt when he woke was fear. He wasn't allowed to be in a hospital. It attracted too much attention. Danny would be angry with him if he found out. He'd be in for a new round of punishment. His chest tightened as fear took hold.

But the fear was effortlessly chased away at the hands of one simple noise. "This movie is ridiculous." Javier's voice broke the panic in an instant and reminded Kevin that for the first time in a long time, he was safe. "It just doesn't make sense."

Ryan forced his heavy eyelids open and followed the sound of his friend's voice. Esposito sat in an uncomfortable chair directly to his right. He couldn't have been any closer to Ryan's side if he tried. His legs were propped up on the mattress and he was shoving a handful of chips into his mouth. The sight made Kevin smile, inside and out.

"What do you mean it doesn't make sense? It's a beautiful movie." The second voice took Ryan by surprise. He watched as Esposito passed the bag of chips over the bed. Kevin followed the movement and his eyes landed on the Alexis, sitting cross-legged in a chair to his left. They both had their attention on the television screen in the corner of the room.

"Why doesn't she just tell him that she loves him?" Javier said in exasperation. "It's just so obvious."

"She can't." Alexis snapped. "Her family arranged for her to marry Phillip."

"But she doesn't love him! She loves Andrew."

"But she doesn't want to upset her family. They need the money from Phillip or they're going to lose the farm."

Esposito snorted and took back the chip bag when it was offered to him. Ryan noticed his blanket had a trail of crumbs from one side of the bed to the other. "Like I said… it just doesn't make sense. She should just tell him, love is more important."

Alexis giggled. "I didn't know you were such a romantic Detective Esposito."

"We all have our secrets." The comment made Ryan laugh. Esposito looked at him and nearly fell out of his chair as he scrambled to stand. "Kev!" He shouted excitedly. "You're awake."

Alexis flipped off the TV and stood as well. She smiled brightly down at him. "Good morning sleepy head." She greeted softly.

Ryan opened his mouth to respond but noticed for the first time how dry his throat was. Alexis grabbed a bottle of water off the bed stand. She fished a straw out of the drawer and held it up to him. Kevin drank it down greedily, only stopping when he had to catch his breath. "Thank you." The words came out no stronger than a whisper but still the two smiled at the sound of his voice.

"It's good to see you bro." Esposito said. "How are you feeling?"

Ryan took a moment to assess his body. It was mostly numb, probably thanks to pain killers, but the dull ache in his side reminded him of why he was there. He grinned as lines began to crease Javier's face in worry when he didn't answer. "Like I've been shot." He said finally. "But other than that I'm great."

Esposito rolled his eyes. "Well you look like shit. Worse than usual."

"Thanks." Ryan tried to adjust himself but found the task to be to much. His body was tired and stiff. "How long have I been here?" He asked.

Javier answered with hesitation. "A week."

"Oh." Kevin tried to process the thought but also found that to be too much. "And Warrek?"

More hesitation. "I'll explain it all later. For now, just know that you don't have to worry about him anymore."

Ryan trusted that Javier was telling the truth and the thought made him relax. He yawned and glanced behind Esposito where it seemed he had made camp in the little hospital chair. "And how long have you been here?"

Esposito just shrugged so Alexis answered for him. "A week." She said simply. Javier glared at her but she only grinned back. "He's been driving the doctors and nurses crazy." She added.

"Of course he has." Ryan laughed as his eyelids started to fall back down on the own accord.

He felt the blankets around him being adjusted and a presence standing over him. "Just get some sleep, bro. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Okay." He drifted back to sleep with no doubt that Javier would be there. He was free of fear and, for the first time in a long time, Ryan felt completely safe.

"This will be your desk." Javier sat the pile of paperwork down and smiled.

Ryan looked from his new desk to Javier's, noting the close proximity. He leaned on the cane that helped keep him upright since getting out of the hospital and sighed. "It's awfully close to yours, Javi."

Esposito dropped into his chair and grinned. "Of course it is. And you should be grateful, I had to pull a lot of strings to get you that desk. It's got a good view of the precinct."

Ryan lowered himself carefully into his own chair. "You just want me close so you can keep an eye on me."

Javier reached out to help Kevin get comfortable. Many of his wounds had healed but he was still recovering from the gunshot and blood lose, the cast on his wrist would be coming off in a few more weeks. "You bet I do because, god knows, you can't take care of yourself." A grimace of a smile broke Kevin's face and Javier rethought his previous statement. "But you're working on it. This is going to be good, trust me."

It had been nearly two months since their confrontation with Daniel Warrek. The tyrant was in jail and drowning under the weight of a testimony driven case. Ryan had been released from the hospital after a month and had been spending all his days at Esposito's apartment recovering, until now.

Esposito stood and swiveled Kevin in his chair. The Irishman sighed at the sight of the pile of paperwork waiting for him. "So what exactly am I supposed to do?"

Esposito pulled his chair up. "It's simple, all the information in the folders has to be entered in to the computer, then categorized."

Ryan's nose wrinkled. "Ugh… sounds boring. Do I really have to do this?"

"It's either this or picking trash on the side of the road." Javier grumbled. "That was the ruling of your case." Esposito had attended every court hearing of Ryan's, hoping his presence and testimony would help in the judge's sentence for his drug trafficking crimes. Javier didn't want to see Ryan in jail, not after everything he'd been through.

However, in the end, it wasn't just Javier that had come through for the Irishman. Beckett had given a testimony as well and submitted several requests for special consideration. Castle had tried to give a testimony but the judge made it very clear the writer had little influence over her decision, although she did accept several signed copies of his books. They all wanted to make it very clear the risk Ryan took in being the first to testify and what he had done to help put Daniel Warrek down.

Ryan's sentence was reduced to a good sum of community service hours. And as far as the offer to spend those community service hours at the precinct, filing paper work, and close to Esposito's side, they had a good feeling it was at the recommendation of a certain police Captain… although it has yet to be proven.

"I just hope you realize." He continued. "How lucky you are. I pulled a lot-"

"You pulled a lot of strings and cashed in a lot of favors. I know… you've told me again and again and again." Javier glared at him but Kevin only smirked. He pulled his chair forward and picked up a handful of files. "I guess I better get started then, wouldn't want all those favors to go to waste."

Esposito watched over him closely, a first he seemed overwhelmed by the sheer amount of paperwork, but he quickly found a routine and was working hard in no time. He turned back to his own work and found himself finally slipping back into his own old routine as the hours passed. It was as if the world was finally normal again, but better somehow.

Castle and Beckett arrived a short time later, fresh off a new case. They brought lunch and the four of them ate together in the conference room, laughing and joking in a way that just seemed natural. As soon as they finished, Kevin was back at his desk, hard at work. He had always been the type to want to do a good job for its own sake and, Javier couldn't believe it, but he actually seemed to be enjoying himself.

The days passed quickly and the entire precinct started to accept Ryan into their lives. He was a welcomed addition and made quick friends with several of the officers and detectives.

"He's doing well." Beckett said as she and Javier were pinning up pictures to the evidence board a few weeks later. They both took a moment to watch as Ryan finished yet another stack of papers. He gathered them in his arms and limped off to the file room.

Esposito got less anxious these days whenever the Irishman left his sight. "He is. He still has nightmares, and sometimes we have to work through sudden cravings for a high, but he's doing better. We're even going to go see his family next month, he's excited about that and so am I. They'll finally get to know what really happened."

"Finally wore them down?" Javier nodded. It hadn't been easy, he'd called the Ryan family almost every day for the past few months in an effort to get them to understand that their son had changed. He dreaded telling them the story but Javier knew it had to be done.

Kate grinned as Kevin returned with a new pile of papers and set back to work. "And the Captain has noticed how hard he's working. If he keeps it up she might just want to keep him around once his service hours run out."

Javier smiled at the thought. "Yeah well, he's a big nerd, it figures he'd work himself crazy. Hey!" He shouted across the room. "Take it easy Kev! There's always more paperwork, it's not going anywhere bro." Ryan's head popped up from behind the computer. He rubbed his eyes and stood to join them. He straightened his tie as he walked over. He'd really taken to the suits since he started working and had asked to borrow so many of Javier's that he eventually just bought him some as an early birthday present.

"Hey guys." Ryan greeted with a smile. "Got a new case? Anything I can do to help?"

"Oh no, not this time." Javier snapped. Ryan had proved useful in more than just paperwork filing. He had given them so many tips thanks to his years spent as part of the drug trade, that the Narcotics Unit had been interrupting Kevin's work almost daily for insights and tips. "We have to solve cases ourselves sometimes."

Ryan grinned from ear to ear, it thrilled him whenever he could be useful. "Alright fine, but just this one time."

Beckett laughed and checked her watch. "Besides, it's getting late guys. Let's call it a night and start fresh in the morning."

Javier looked at his own watch. "Late? It's only five. You always work us later than that when we've got a new case."

Kate shrugged and pulled on her coat. "Well, for once, I've got plans tonight. I'm going out with the girls, in fact they should be here any… Oh! There they are."

Lanie stepped off the elevator, talking energetically with another woman. Esposito noticed Ryan straighten in an instant when his eyes landed on the young blonde. She was short, with bright blonde hair and blue eyes. "Wh-who is that?" He stuttered.

Beckett raised an eyebrow and smiled. "She's a friend of ours. Lanie and I met her a few weeks ago. Her name is Jenny."

"Jenny." Ryan repeated.

"She's very pretty." Castle said, appearing seemingly out of nowhere and startling the poor Irishman from behind.

Kevin nodded when he had finally regained his composure. "Yes, she is."

Lanie and Jenny stopped in the hallway, engrossed in whatever they were discussing. "You should go talk to her."

"Castle, leave him alone." Javier snapped harshly before grinning. "Seriously though bro, you should go talk to her."

"Me?" Kevin squeaked. "Why would I talk to her? I-I mean why would she want to talk to me? Just look at me." He fidgeted with his tie and ran a hand through his hair, there was nothing wrong with the way he looked. "I'm a mess."

Beckett tilted her head. "She's a very nice girl."

"Which is exactly why I can't talk to her… I'm… you know… a mess." He repeated, hanging his head low.

Javier placed a hand on his shoulder and turned Ryan to face him. "Hey bro, there's nothing wrong with you. Understand? We're all lucky to know you and she would be too. So you're going to march over there and talk to that woman or- oh crap! She's coming this way." Esposito spun him back around and suddenly the two were standing face to face.

Ryan froze when Jenny smiled at him. "Hello." She said gently.

"H-hi." He stuttered in response. "It's Jenny, right? Oh, uh… I hope you don't think it's weird that I know you're name. Beckett told me. Not that I was asking or anything but uh… Well, I was curious what your name was but not in a weird way or anything. But it's a very pretty name and so are you… uh pretty, that is."

Esposito slapped a hand over his face as Ryan started to turn bright red. But to both their surprise Jenny just smiled. "Well, since you know my name, do you mind giving me yours?"

"Kevin, it's Kevin." He stuck out a hand and she shook it.

"It's nice to meet you Kevin."

Castle couldn't contain himself any longer. "Why don't we all go out tonight? We could go for dinner and then drinks at my place! My treat."

Beckett put her hands on her hips. "We were supposed to be having a girl's night, Castle." A smile broke her stern expression. "But I guess, if you guys aren't busy."

"I'm not busy!" Ryan piped immediately.

Javier rolled his eyes. "Yeah, guess I'm not either."

Kate, Lanie, Jenny, and Castle headed for the elevator while Ryan and Esposito gathered their coats from their desks. "Told you, bro." Javier grinned. "She likes you."

Kevin's cheeks went red but he couldn't help but smile. "I really should thank you, Javi." He said quietly. "For everything you've done for me. I mean, you really saved me."

Esposito froze with his coat in his hands. "You don't have to thank me for anything." He stared intently at the fabric. "After all, you can't really thank me for fixing something that I broke in the first place. If anything, you saved me. I was on a bad track, and what happened, it really knocked me off of it. I changed everything after that." He looked up at Kevin, trying to think of the right way to tell him what he'd wanted to for so long, but it only came out in two simple words. "Thank you."

Ryan smiled and held out his fist. "Hey bro, what are friends for?"

Javier bumped his fist and things fell into a comfortable quiet until Castle's voice broke through. "Hey! You guys coming or not? I'm hungry!"

The two men laughed and headed for the elevator. "You know… I wonder what would have happened if we both had joined the police academy like I wanted us to." Ryan said. "Maybe we could have been partners."

Esposito had often wondered that over the years and had pictured the two of them working side by side. It was a good picture but one that seemed so farfetched that it had almost faded completely, but now…. "I don't know." He finally answered. "But one thing is for sure."

"What's that?"

"We would have made terrible partners."

The End

Thank you for reading! Until next time.