Chapter Fourteen: Soulmates, and Serendipity

The following days after our professions of love were dramatic. That was to be expected though. Everything was changing. Everything was different now. Nothing was the same as it was two weeks ago.

Two days after our first kiss and declarations of love Killian was at my store helping me prepare for inventory. The last two days Walsh had spent trying to convince me that we deserved another chance, he kept telling me not to throw away our eight year relationship for uncertainty. I told him that Killian and I had kissed. I told him that I had strong feelings for him, but he still didn't want to let us go. It put me in a tough position, I knew I had to make a decision and quickly.

Killian and I were busy organizing the backroom when Walsh walked in. Killian and I had remained professional all day in the store since my employees were working. If they thought it was weird that another district manager was in our store helping out they didn't let on. Killian just wanted to be near me he said, plus he knew I needed the help.

As we were working in the back room Walsh walked in with flowers and chocolates for me. Upon seeing Killian he immediately turned around and stormed out of the store. Not that I could blame him, I really did feel bad about putting him through this pain, but I was so involved in my own mental mess I couldn't even take a minute to catch my breath.

Killian told me he was going to go talk to Walsh. I didn't think it was a good idea but he insisted he needed to talk to him 'man to man'. Walsh was sitting in his truck when Killian walked out. I nervously watched them exchange words at Walsh's car window. A few minutes later I saw another car pull up and my mom got out.

Up to this point I had kept my family mostly in the dark about what was going on. It wasn't that I didn't trust them; I just didn't want to involve them in the drama until I had made a concrete decision. However my mother could read me well and knew when something was wrong so of course she decided to come up to my store to check on me. I bet she didn't expect to see Walsh and Killian both in the parking lot.

Now my employees were getting slightly suspicious of all the people in the parking lot that were connected to me. I decided I needed to go out and clear the air. My mom introduced herself to Killian for the first time and then I convinced her to leave and I would talk to her later. Walsh handed me my flowers and candy through his truck window without a word and quickly left the parking lot. I stood with Killian in the lot trying to grasp what had happened.

Killian then told me that he had told Walsh he wasn't trying to destroy our lives and come between us, that we just had always had a connection. Not surprisingly Walsh didn't take the conversation well. I told Killian I needed to go home and make a decision about what I was going to do with Walsh, he left shortly later and I made my way home.

When I walked into our house an hour later I found it destroyed. All of the pictures were taken off the walls and smashed on the floor. I walked up the stairs and found Walsh curled up on our bed crying. My heart broke for him, it broke for us. I never intended for any of this to happen. I didn't set out to hurt him.

"I'm going to end up alone with our dog," he said bitterly, "unless you take her from me too."

I sit down next to him. I look at the man whom I've spent the last eight years with. A man I was with through college, a man who I lost my virginity to, and a man who I experienced years' worth of ups and downs with. Maybe I did owe him one more shot? That was probably only fair.

"Let's go away tonight," I said forcing myself to not think any longer on the topic.

"Let's go downtown and stay in a nice hotel and go to that fancy restaurant I've been dying to go to. Let's go." I continued.

"Really?" He asks me, and I nod in return.

So we get in the car and drive downtown after packing a quick bag. I text Killian briefly and tell him I was going away for the night with Walsh to help make a final decision. I told him I wasn't going to text him or contact him until I made a choice. I told him that I owed Walsh at least a night to try to make it right.

On the half-hour drive downtown Walsh and I don't discuss our problems, we don't discuss the wedding or the future. We try to live in the moment.

We get to the hotel and check-in. We go up to the room and Walsh starts to kiss me. However, it becomes very evident quite quickly that we both weren't feeling very sexy at the moment.

"Let's just go to dinner," he says clearly disappointed and frustrated at our current lack of sexual connection.

Our dinner location is on the eighty-first floor of the tallest building downtown, it overlooks the river. We take the glass elevator up enjoying the view of the city lights around us. It's cold but I am wearing a dress trying to be fancy for the occasion.

We reach the hostess stand and the hostess informs us that the restaurant is fully booked for the night. All I can think is: serendipity.

I've wanted to come to this restaurant for the last eight years with Walsh but he would never take me. Now we finally got to the restaurant and fate wouldn't let us in.

As we rode the elevator down I knew it was over. I knew I couldn't pretend to move this relationship forward anymore. I knew that even though I loved Walsh, we weren't destined to be together. We had too much baggage, too much drama. Even if we worked things out I would always carry around a guilt with me. I had been living with guilt for the last few years I knew I didn't want to wake up that way for the rest of our lives.

We go to dinner in the hotel and after ordering drinks with tears in his eyes Walsh looks at me and says, "It's over isn't it?"

I look back at him my own eyes blurring over and don't know what to say. I didn't want to break his heart, but we can't help who we love. We can't help when the past completely fucks up our future. Sometimes we go so far down a road that we can't go back. We can't go back to the past. We can't go back to a time when things are different. Things change, life changes us.

After dinner we go to the room and lay down on opposite sides of the king sized bed. I stare at the ceiling wondering when my life will slow down again.

"I can't do this; I can't lie next to you and pretend we are fine. I want to go home. Let's leave." Walsh says and immediately stands up and grabs his stuff. I follow suit and leave the hotel room with him without a word.

The drive home is awkward to say the least. 'Free and Easy (Down the Road I go)' by Dierks Bentley is playing on the radio and i find the song strangely appropriate even though there is nothing easy about this situation.

I pull up to our house and Walsh goes to get out of the car.

"Please come in, please sleep here tonight." He says practically begging me.

"I'm going to go sleep at my parents, give us both some space." I reply even though we both know that's a lie.

He realizes that there's no point in pushing me on the subject so he gets out of the car. As I drive away I see him in the rearview mirror and even though I feel like shit about breaking his heart, I know it's the right decision. As I turn off our street I immediately pick up the phone and call Killian. I was ready to start my future.

Saying everything fell into place easily after that night would be a lie. Saying that all the drama was worth it, that would be the truth. My family and friends were furious. They were confused. They didn't see the break-up coming. They didn't understand why I never informed them that Walsh and I had issues. They were hurt that I didn't come and talk to them about our problems. I had to explain to them that it wasn't that I didn't trust them or value their opinions, I just didn't want to hear their opinions. I had to make this life-changing decision for myself. I didn't want someone to try to sway my opinion one way or another. I had to choose without outside influence. I had to choose with my heart. I had to be selfish and make the decision that was right for me, not for anyone else.

How do I know all of this to be true you ask? How do I know the emotions that were felt deep into my soul? Because my friends, my loyal readers out there, this story, this multi-chapter tale is a true story. It's my story. It's the love story of me and my Killian. That's why this story has been so important to me, because every word of it is true, because I lived it.

I told my Killian right away a few weeks after we got together that our story was written like a romance novel. That the way we got together was like it was straight out of a book. So I wanted to write it down. I obviously needed to change the names but everything else was the truth.

I lived this story. I left my fiancé after a work trip to follow my heart. I changed my entire life three months before my wedding. Not a soul saw it coming, not even me. So what happened? You want to know the answer right?

We lived happily ever after of course. Not every day is easy or a fairytale naturally. We fight, we struggle sometimes. I know I'm not always the easiest person to be with and 'Killian' isn't perfect either. However, through our fights and through our tough days I have NEVER, not once, regretted my decision. We completely blew up our lives to be together. We went against all odds. Hell we had to live in a hotel room for two weeks until 'Milah' moved out of his house. If going against everything you know and changing every single aspect of your life isn't love I don't know what is.

Ten months later when 'Killian' proposed to me I didn't hesitate to say yes. Sure I was the girl who wore two different engagement rings in the same calendar year but with Killian it wasn't a deadline. It didn't feel like my life was ending while planning our wedding. The alter where we were wed was a beginning, not an end.

In June of this year, 2017 we will have been married for five years. Our family and friends all came around and now years later couldn't believe they didn't see how wrong 'Walsh' was for me. They always comment about how much happier I am with 'Killian'. Not that 'Walsh' is a bad person. I ended up giving him our house and he came to terms with the breakup saying he knew he was at fault too. He's actually married now and just had his first child. No we don't hang out or talk ever but I'm glad to hear he's doing well.

I didn't wake up one day and decide to destroy my life and wreak havoc on my significant other.

If you want my Killian's point of view here's what he says: "Discovering one's soulmate in life everyone has one moment. One moment where they met one special person that can change their life forever. Most people don't recognize that moment for what is it. They take the moment, when all is aligned in the world and accept it as something else. They take it for granted. Most people take that moment for granted because it's usually accompanied by change, or unusual circumstances. During these changes is when I first disregarded my soulmate.

I walked into the door full of a whole new group of people. But with these changes I began to realize what each person had to offer. And out of all these people, one of them had everything. At first glance there was just physical attraction, but as our time together grew I realized there was a lot more. I realized that this person was the first person that allowed me to be myself. I could look into her face and I could look into her eyes, and I knew we were connected. Connected in a way that only destiny creates.

The connection was like a seed that was planted in my soul. This seed grew every day. Every day I would look at her face and talk to her and the seed would continue to develop. I had the most intense conversations, the most open thoughts and opinions with this woman and I didn't worry about her judging me or being critical. She was open and caring. She responded to the needs of my mind. This seed in my soul was beginning to sprout. This woman started to become more and more to me. She was my focus, my drive, my motivation. I knew that I needed her in my life, I needed her approval, friendship, care and most of all I wanted her love. I wanted to know more and more every day. I cared about how she felt. I became angry, irritated and frustrated when all things were not right in her world and I couldn't change them. The stem of this seed continued to grow. She had become my partner, my ally, and my friend. She knew what made me tick; she knew what I was thinking and why I was thinking it."

I say it was Serendipity, a fortunate accident that 'Killian' and I developed the relationship we had and both had the courage to change our lives. Our family members say we were brave, I simply say we were destined.

I hope I did the story justice. Living it is much different then writing it, but I want to always remember our story. I want to remember every little moment, remember when life was so uncertain, remember when I met 'Killian', never knowing the impact he was going to have on my life. I want to remember the butterflies, the confessions, and the undeniable chemistry. When I'm old I want to share our story with our children and our grandchildren. Show them the romantic way we came together. Show them how our relationship developed over time. I really didn't predict us ending up together all those years ago, now I can't imagine my life without him.

No matter what I write in the future, this story will always be the most important story to me. Thank you for allowing me to tell it and share it with all of you wonderful people. It really means the world to me.

So I leave you with this, emotions I wrote word for word six years ago when I made my decision to be with Killian:

I can't tell you the exact day we met or the exact time. He didn't step out of a rainbow and into my arms. He simply walked in the door and into my life. We didn't have a clue then how far life would take us. We didn't have a hint that the two of us would connect on the deepest level possible. Sure there was attraction, but I could have said that about a lot of people at the time. When I looked into his eyes for the first time I didn't see the journey we were destined to travel. I didn't feel the emotions we were going to eventually feel. I couldn't have possibly known he was the other half to make me whole.

I never knew what soulmate meant until I met you. It didn't happen overnight. I didn't wake up one day, see him standing there and say "That's my soulmate." It happened over time, growing and building slowly into something more, into everything. It wasn't easy. Most people think once you find 'the one' that it's simple. But it's not, you have to fight like hell, you have to work at it. You have to get pissed off; you have to experience every single emotion in order to truly understand it. Sure the relationship is easy, it's natural, effortless. But it's not easy. I was on a totally different path, with a totally different future. I never knew what soulmate meant until I met you.