Chapter 14

October 849

45th scouting expedition

"I still don't get how this greenhorn is with us!" Oluo seethed, Petra who was behind me jabbed back,

"I still don't understand how you're still going on about it!" I tried to block out their chastising. He had been going on about it for ages now, and I needed to focus, today was the day. The day where I will finally be set free, the forty fifth scouting expedition of the survey corps, and the 103rd cadets first ever time outside the safety of Wall Rose.

We were at the gate, all in position, ready to move out. All they had to do was to open the gate and I would see my first Titan, along with new life I had promised my self. Vega, my horse snorted loudly, and I had realised I was tightening my grip on the reins. I relaxed them and stroked is neck gently. He pawed the ground and whinnied softly, the noise reverberated through his body and into mine, soothing me.

Vega was the horse of a previous scout member who didn't make it back. Something about him clicked with me when we were shown the horses they had on offer to us. He just watched me, as if he had known me his entire life, when I walked over, he closed his eyes and rested his head on my chest. A warmness spread over me and I knew that he was the horse for me and I was the human for him. Despite already seeing outside the walls a few times before, he was still a relatively young horse. He was described by one of the stable boys as stoic and loyal, a good build and in general the horse you'd want to rescue you when your miles from civilisation. He was a beautiful dun, and incredibly tall. Whenever I couldn't sleep, I'd sneak into the stable to visit Vega, who was always happy to see me.

"You'd think the Captain had lost his mind!" Oluo was still ranting about me. When Levi had dropped the news to his squad about me joining them on this expedition, he had received no backlash from the others, the only one to have a complaint was Oluo. Levi had quickly told him to shut his and I quote 'shit mouth' about me, Oluo had done so, but only when Levi was around.

Levi had left a few minutes ago to check on Erwin's plans for the mission. The trip would be, if a success, would be to leave the Trost district and make our way through the path that the scouts had begun to form, dropping supplies to lead down to the Shiganshina district. It would take two full days of riding to arrive to the next drop off point, then we would ditch the stuff, rest and ride right on back. The plan was simple, but as Oluo liked to point out, that things could always go so wrong. The Levi squad for the first day of the journey would be part of the scout support team on the right. While not as dangerous as the forward scouts, we would be the ones to be called upon if they needed help, or if an abnormal burst through the scouting formation. I was relieved to hear that from the twins and Nova that they were in the relay team. One of the safest places to be for rookies, of course, Nova wasn't having any of it. She believed she was ready to be at the front, ready to slay all the titans she could find. I couldn't blame her in most ways. Shiganshina was her home, she should feel the need to reclaim it. She felt the need to give something back to her parents, everything she could. But like Levi had in what I assumed was a way to reassure me was that 'the scouts couldn't afford to lose any new blood so recklessly'.

Levi came trotting back, a wave of cheering from the crowd aimed at him as he did so. He ignored it, and began,

"Erwin is sticking to the original plan. Perfect day for it too." We all looked up. It was a good day. There were a few clouds it break the autumn sunshine, it was still warm, and bright, with very little wind to cause problems. Levi continued, "when we get past the buildings and the long range scouting formation is in place, I want us to split in to two's." He looked around for the nods we all gave him. I tried to swallow, but my throat was dry from the sudden realisation that this was happening. "Eld, Gunter, you two together at the back, keep an eye out for sneaky bastards." The two men nodded, Eld spoke,

"They won't even know what hit them." Levi looked at Petra,

"Petra, you and Oluo will hold the middle with the rest." Oluo's face hardened and he only nodded once. I had not seen him this serious before. With them being paired with one another that meant that... "Harva, we will be upfront. I'll be keeping a very close eye on you."

"Yes sir." This was it. This was really happening, I looked around to try and see if I could see any of my friends. I found Oslo behind, staring at me. He nodded calmly, all I could manage was a weak smile back and turned to face the front. I closed my eyes, trying to think about not being sick.

"Just think about what you do best. It'll come back to you." I opened my eyes and saw Levi next to me, he wasn't looking at me, but at the front, his face was set.

"It's not me I'm worried about. It's them." I heard the indistinct shout, and the gate slowly began to open. Even only opened a crack, a light breeze came through, prickling my face to life. Despite the applause and cheers coming from the citizens, Levi's voice seemed to be the only thing loud enough to make sense to me,

"We can't afford to lose anyone, I'm sure they won't die, because you told them not to." He's right, I did tell them to not do anything stupid, and I trusted them enough for them to know to do what was right. Erwin's voice slashed through my moment of tranquil, and jolted me,

"SCOUTS! MOVE OUT!" I spurred Vega into gear, the crowds passed by in a blur. We were running blindly, straight into the opening of light, those in front of me disappeared into it, then it was my turn to follow.

We were out. This was it. I looked behind to see everyone cheering behind, in a small hole that I have just escaped from that was my world. I let out a huge gasp of air and couldn't help but grin. The wind was cool and crisp, I breathed in freedom. Only for a moment, then I came back to my reality. I looked back in front, to see in the distance a huge figure blocking the sun. A titan.

It must have been a seven meter, it's face was turned away from me and the charge, it was distracted by two scouts, occupying it. The titan tried to catch them, but like flies, they seemed to just be out of reach. We charged past them, the narrow ruins only took a minute to pass through before we were in open territory. It was so green and beautiful, I looked back once more at the giant walls that seemed to be shrinking and becoming almost insignificant, before settling on keeping my sole focus on what Levi and the rest of the scouts were doing.

"This is it! Long range scouting formation has been deployed. Try not to get killed" Levi shouted behind him. Oluo barked and said,

"Please, like you need to tell me to stay alive." Petra rolled her eyes but shouted,

"Good luck Harva. You'll do fine!" and they broke off with several other scout members.

"So how does it feel to be a free woman?" I looked to my left and Oslo was grinning at me, Margot and Nova riding next to him.

"Shouldn't you three be getting into the formation?" I retaliated,

"We just wanted to to wish you luck!" Margot shouted,

"And to remind you to not get head too far up Levi's ass! You got this Harva!" Nova smirked. I gave her a shooting glare once again for good measure.

"Akiyama! Now!" Levi called,

"Don't do anything stupid, I'll see you at sundown for stories." I said my farewells to them and forked off to the right, pushing forward. The three of them already, went their separate ways, charging off before I could see who went where. Catching up with Levi, I saw in the distance two pairs of horses and riders on our right I had to ask,

"Levi, will the forward scouts go much further? I can hardly see them."

"The idea of the long range tactic is to maximise the distance of titans to the centre. It's good weather, the only thing we will be able to see of them is a smoke signal."

"But what if they need our help and we are too far away to help them?"

"There is a reason they're at the front, do you think they can't handle themselves?" I remained silent. Levi carried on "give them the benefit of the doubt Harva, if they need our help, the only thing we can do is try our best to get there before it goes up shit creek." At that moment, a red flare shot up almost parallel to where we were riding. Levi and I both saw it, I fumbled for a red signal flare in my pouch before sending it up, a few seconds later, the signalling unit sent one up. Less than a minute later, a green flare shot into the sky to tell us to shift further left, we moved in unison and didn't say anything to one another for a long, long time.

~O~

It was sundown. We had made the day without any major incidents on our side. The Levi squad and myself all stood together waiting for a carriage to arrive with tents. The four of them were talking, far too casually for my liking. Levi had gone to get an update with Erwin and Hanji. I was reading every face that came into camp. Trying to locate some misery, some despair, something to tell me it had gone wrong somewhere and I couldn't help. I was also looking around for my friends, to see if any of them would grace me with their presence, or if I should prepare myself for the worst.

Something slapped me on the back hard. It was enough for me to tense, and prepare to punch whatever it was straight in the face, when I turned around, all the tension I had melted away. Oslo's stupid grin was there to greet me, he chuckled and said,

"Glad to see you made it. The girls are fine, before you ask ."

"Took the words out of my mouth." If it were more possible, it seemed like Oslo was grinning was wider,

"I thought I'd tell you before you give yourself a premature heart attack. I'll have to get back to my group and help out. Meet us at the dinner tent." I nodded and he blazed off. I heard some chuckles and turned to see The Levi Team trying to hide their giggling, but failing miserably.

"What are you wetting yourselves over?" I asked coldly. Eld responded back in a mature and authoritative voice,

"Nothing." A wagon pulled up, with Levi hitching a lift from it,

"All right you lot, get this stuff off, now." I hopped up to the back of the wagon with Levi and began shuffling stuff to the edge for the group to place in a large pile. As we did so, Oluo began speaking,

"Sure you don't want us to get loverboy to help you out?" I looked up at him, eyes flared,

"What are you talking about?" Gunter and Eld chuckled, Petra looked embarrassed for me. Oluo rolled his eyes,

"That strapping young blonde that came up earlier seemed very concerned to know you were safe...seemed you also had a similar agenda." I narrowed my eyes and snarled back,

"If that's how poorly you read a situation, deeming it to be romantic, then its no wonder you're single." I threw a heavy bag at Oluo hard, it felt good to do that, to him and see him stagger with the weight. The others chuckled at Oluo's red face. For all his blunder he can be such a prat. "Oslo and his family welcomed me into their lives as one of their own before any of you scouts did. I suggest before you lose anymore of the already low bar of respect I have for you, I'd shut your mouth." Levi dropped the last bag to Eld and we both jumped off.

"Get your tents ready, and try to do it without pissing each other off." Levi sounded bored again.

"No need to tell me twice, Captain."

The most part of the evening was building tents and getting hot meals down our throats. After that, there wasn't much to do except converse with other people or go to bed. I felt like doing neither, so I began to wonder. Rookies were meant to get the first sleep in before rotation of night watch shifts. As usual though, I knew I wouldn't sleep, so I went to the edge of our make shift camp.

We had made camp by a cluster of abandoned buildings, according to a scout veteran, this used to be an old farm that sold its cheese to travelling markets. Those coming from Trost would pick up the cheese and sell it on at Shiganshina. When the veteran told me the prices cheese once were I scoffed at him. They had almost trebled since the fall of Shiganshina, and that was for your basic cheeses. None of the fancy artisanal stuff you get from the inner walls. Mind you, cheese was only a commodity I learnt about properly when I came from the Underground City. I stole what I could but even then it was stale and nasty.

I had seen the twins and Nova tonight. All seemed to be in good spirits. They had said they had all seen titans today, but they were all far away and none were allowed to engage in any type of fight. I had never seen Nova so quiet or so serious. In fact, she went to bed early that night, her reason was 'I've got to be the best'. When I had asked the twins if she was okay, they agreed that she was being far more serious than usual, but she seemed sound.

"She must just really want to be focused. This has been her dream since she was little." Margot suggested. I nodded in agreement, and hoped that was all. The two of them talked for some time before turning in after learning they were on the next watch duty.

This led me to my wandering. I had found a stream close to a barn, some scouts were placed on the rooftop, chatting casually as their figures were silhouetted on the night sky. I sat down by the stream, enjoying the noise of the gentle move of the water, I dove my hands into the grass and breathed it all in. I was finally free.

I must have sat there for some time, because when I looked back up to the sky, the moon had moved so much that I thought for a second it had disappeared. When I got up I was stiff from the cold, and as I walked back towards the camp I heard a voice call from above me.

"Hey, Harva, up here!" I looked up and squinted to see Eld and Gunter waving at me,

"What?" I call back,

"Come on up. Your up next for watch duty." I really had let time slip by. Luckily I hadn't taken my gear off, so I hooked myself into the building and shot up to see Eld and Gunter wrapped in grey blankets, and a small fire and stove burning on top of the building. It was something we were taught to create as part of our survival training in the cadet corps. And it looked like Gunter and Eld and just about every other person on watch was putting it to good use.

"Hey." Gunter said softly,

"Hey." I said quietly back. Eld smiled and untangled himself from the blanket.

"Here, you're probably cold and this will warm you up."He threw it at me and the warmth slapped me in the face, I wrapped myself up in and sat down looking out towards where I could no longer see the road.

"Thanks."

"No worries, you were down there a long time, thought you could use the heat more than I could." I nodded but didn't say anything. There was an awkward silence for a time until Gunter began,

"Look, I think all of us can say we are sorry for how we acted earlier, with you and that guy—"

"Oslo."

"What?"

"That guy's name, it's Oslo." My voice was dead, and that seemed to cause Gunter to falter.

"Right...we didn't realise the uh...situation with you two. We just saw that you were close. The point is we are sorry we were tough on you. But you know to never mind what Oluo says. The mans full of shit."

"Damn right he is." Eld nodded his agreement. I sighed and said plainly,

"Nobody really knows any situation truly, do they? Even when we think we have something nailed we seem to be lacking some vital piece of the puzzle. Your apology is accepted, if that is what is was." They both looked at me bemused and then Eld laughed nervously.

"You know, you kind of reminded me of the Captain when you said that." I looked at Eld with a raised eyebrow,

"Captain Levi?" He looked even more nervous now,

"Yeah, I mean, just with the cutting responses." I smirked,

"I can take that."

We heard the unmistakable whirring of a cable pulling someone up onto the roof behind, I turned to see none other than the Captain himself. He looked all of us quietly for a moment, then to me before saying,

"You're here already. Good." He looked at Eld and Gunter and asked, "anything to report?" They both shook their heads and Eld responded,

"Nothing sir." Levi looked out to the distance.

"Alright, you two can go." Eld and Gunter stood and said their farewells and goodnights hastily before leaving the captain and myself alone. Levi sat down, leaned on what was left of an old chimney for comfort. He propped the blanket Gunter was using as a pillow, and his hood was up. We both looked out to the distance at the same time. We stayed quiet for a few minutes, before I asked,

"I'm guessing when Erwin said to keep a close eye on me, it meant sharing night shifts too?"

"Pretty much. He's sure I'd be the only one who could handle you if you decided to abandon and go rogue." I looked at him, shocked,

"Erwin thinks that?"

"Erwin thinks of everything. Don't worry. I talked him out of it. That is why I was a little late." I continued to stare. I couldn't work out why he would be willing to help me, what reason would he have for doing that. I decided to ask.

"You did? Why?" He looked at me, and it seemed to be somewhat of an earnest expression,

"I saw the way you were worried about your friends, and how relieved you were when that blonde pony boy came to tell you they were all okay." He really was watching me. I had to give him more credit for that, he was really following Erwin's rules, stricter than I ever imagined.

"And that led you to believe what exactly?"

"That you weren't going to abandon them. Plus, if you really wanted to run away you would have left a long time ago." He was right, of course. If I was going to run away, I had plenty of other times in the last few years rather than now, there was no point in trying to run away in Titan territory.

I felt it then. Something I had become familiar with, a warmth spreading in my stomach, and my chest. It was small but it was there. It was what I had come to love instead of fear, thanks to the twins and Nova, it was trust. It didn't feel as big as what I had with the three. But it was there, I think I could trust Levi. I think I could trust Erwin too.

"Thanks, Levi." His eyes widened for a fraction of a second, then went back to their cold stare,

"So you weren't shitfaced then if you remember that conversation?" I chuckled lightly and responded,

"Of course not." I hesitated, looking at his face carefully "Is it still okay to call you that?" He nodded. There was another silence for a moment as we both looked away. He looked on at the distance, I looked down at the stream. I remembered something that I thought would lighten the mood.

"Wait here" I breathed, before he could ask me what was wrong or tell me not to move I had dropped down the building and went back to the stream. I found what I was looking for. A bright green bush that nearly reached my waist. I began cutting the tips of it off, and when I had a handful, my hands smelt wonderful. I quickly washed my haul in the river to remove any bugs and when I turned back to the building I saw Levi watching me intently, eyes on me like a hawk.

When I carried myself back up I took the small saucer we had, filled it up with water from my bag and waited for it to simmer. All this time Levi didn't say a word. When it began to get really hot I asked for his cup which he obliged to give. I divided the sprigs into his and my own and poured the water into the cups. The smell that came off was divine. When I handed the cup over to him, he was wary but sniffed it, several times, and it became almost an appreciative noise.

"What is this?"

"Mint tea."

"You knew that it was safe just by looking at it?" I nodded.

"When I lived in the underground city, I used to find pockets of sunshine that grew nettles. Nettles are a cheap alternative for medicine." Levi interrupted,

"And how does that lead to mint?" I scowled and responded,

"When I was in hiding on the surface...after what I did, I worked at a tea shop. And how I had got that job was by accidentally bringing them mint leaves instead of nettle." I paused, thinking about that moment. "Mint was all the rage apparently inside wall rose. Everyone believed it was the key to keeping their faces youthful. A lot of wild mint had been over harvested, meaning it was a rare commodity. So, when I turned up with a sack full of it, they told me what it was, they asked me how much I wanted for it and I said a job." I raised my mug and took a gentle sip. The heat and taste made my mouth sing. Levi took a gentle sip, it was hesitant to begin with, then it became a deeper. After swallowing, he spoke in a quiet voice,

"Look, you don't have to tell me anything, but I think I'll regret not asking you..." He paused to take another sip of the tea before continuing "why did you kill all of those MP's?" I studied him, carefully. And when I watched his face I couldn't see any fear, or any anger. It was just a quiet and gentle face, one that was curious. I sighed, blowing hot air into the cool night.

"You know, outside Erwin and my friends, you'll be the first one to know." I paused, my head was lost in thoughts. I looked back up to him and chuckled "I wonder what that makes you then? If you learn this about me." His face remained as stoic and seemingly unfazed by my compliment. "Well...it's quite simple really. I only meant to kill seven, the seven that murdered my mum and dad, and when they couldn't find me, to kill, they burned my home to the ground." I paused, looking at the small flames of our fire burning on the rooftop "I ran. I ran for what must have been days in the wilderness, my only thought was to keep running and I'll eventually make it somewhere." I took a sip from the tea, and continued "finally, from exhaustion, I collapsed. I had no idea where I was in the world anymore, I don't think I even knew myself. I had lost complete control in my life. When I woke, I was in the Underground City, a boy, only a few years older than I was took me under his wing." I could feel the gentlest of smiles coming back to me. A feeling of nostalgia came over me. "He had rescued many children that didn't have anything. And I became part of a new family, sort of, it was pretty dysfunctional. We mainly did petty theft and pickpocketing. It kept you going hungry for the most part and you had someone watching your back at all times. It wasn't a bad life...but I needed closure. The guy who rescued me, taught me everything I know about killing. I had a natural talent for it apparently, and within a few years, I was able to get back up to the surface, with only a knife and seven names on my lips. Seven names that I wanted to wipe from my hellish world they helped create." I stared at Levi, hoping to get something from his face, nothing. "Over the course of several months, I eliminated my targets. However, by the end, the last one I had left, I became sloppy and let people witness it. I ended up having to kill a lot of MP's just to get out of the situation. And then, I went into hiding. I evaded being caught for some time, killing more along the way, until Erwin and Mike got involved...and I'm sure you know the rest." He nodded,

"That I do. And thank you for telling me."

"If we are going to be working together, the truth would only come out eventually." He looked down at his mug, then back to me,

"I guess so. Good stuff this, by the way." He raised his mug and took a another deep swig.