Help me, I'm falling…

Chapter one out of two.

I always loved the sun, the forest, the rain… Well, just about anything that had something to do with nature.

A bird flew past the window as it raced into the trees to keep up with the others and find shelter before the rain could get even worse, but … It still looked so free, so happy… so alive…

I had taken the battle shell for a quick spin earlier, we hadn't driven it much the last couple of weeks and I just wanted to make sure there were no problems with it just in case we would need it.

I'd driven the thing a few blocks when it started raining, but for some reason I didn't feel like going back and kept on driving, just letting the rain tell me where to go, but I hadn't even really realised where it was taking me. It felt like I'd been driving for no more than an hour, but now I realised it had been much longer...Though I didn't feel the need to check my shell cell to know exactly how long, so I just left it at that. It probably wasn't that important.

The rain, for some reason, had led me here, to the forest… I don't exactly know which one, but I'm pretty sure it was the one near the farmhouse, it's the only forest I've been to.

I loved being there, the forest gave me a sense of peace, something I never truly got. My brothers would be out exploring or just goofing around and I wouldn't have to look after them for a few hours, not that they would've wanted that anyway… They never do, told me I was suffocating them once and I can't say it's completely untrue. I fear their safety almost every day.

I stepped out of the battle shell, into the rain and onto the hard asphalt. Taking a few steps forward until I reached the grass, I felt a sense of relief sweep over me as the soft, wet grass dipped under the weight of my body. It was cold, but I still welcomed the softness against my bare feet.

Looking out into the forest I could see all the beautiful flowers shining brightly, even through the relentless rain. Their vibrant colors brought a sense of serenity and peace, it was so much different than the dark and gloomy sewers. Though Mikey had tried to cover the whole sewer in Christmas lights once, it hadn't worked of course, but it was a nice try.

Leaning the palm of my hand against the tree besides me, I revelled in the beauty of it. Watched as the leaves danced around while the rain fell onto them and I resisted the urge to jump up into the protection of the tree, to let myself be shielded from the rain. Instead, I looked back towards the battle shell, a thought of my brothers and father swept over me.

I smiled as I remembered the happy times I've had with them, of everything we shared together. We've had some amazing times together and always managed to push through whatever obstacle came on our path, coming out the other side much stronger than before.

But I wasn't able to keep those thoughts for long as other memories resurfaced and all I could think about were the bad ones, ones that so easily overshadowed the happy memories. Sadness had always been stronger than happiness. Sadness wounds you and no matter how much you try to forget about them, they will always leave a scar one way or another.

My nails scratched against the tree trunk in vain and I growled at the voices echoing in my head, never leaving me alone. An endless string of complaining, wining, cursing and nagging.

'Oh come on Splinter junior, get yer own life.' 'What did I tell you about touching the toaster?!'

'Well sorry Leo, we can't all be MR. Perfect!'

'Lead the way, Oh fearless leader.' 'Come on Leo, just this once?'

'You're such a teacher's pet Leo, ease up a little will ya?!'

'Oh Leo you are so useless when it comes to electronics.'

'But I don't wanna practice~' 'Aaaawww Leo, such a kill joy!'

'You're a pain in the ass Leo, that's what ya are!'

'Leo~, you seriously suck at this.' 'Don't be such a spoil sport'

'Don't tell me you broke it again?!' 'Just fuck off Leo! I can take care of myself!'

It seemed like no matter what I did, I would never be good enough. Whenever I'd admit my fears, they'd always find a way to rub it in, or use it against me every chance they'd get. Never to let me forget or overcome them, just another jab at my own insecurities.

If I show them how strong I've gotten in practice, they'd call me names, tell me I'm too good for them, that I'm perfect. Pulling and picking at my every flaw, showing me just how imperfect I truly am.

Even if I show noting but a mask, they still seem to get irritated, calling me a robot… an emotionless program…

I hardly have free time anymore and when I do I always end up fighting with Raphael, watching Don fix and whine about some device I've managed to break, playing a game with Mike that I can't seem to get the hang on, or watching my brothers smile and laugh with each other. It always make me feel so left out…

Splinter always has me training or meditating, helping me better my skills as a leader. I had wanted to become the leader to help my brothers, but it seems like I am slowly losing myself by helping them, because it never seems to be enough. Giving more and more of myself to them, never getting anything in return.

I've forgotten how to be selfish too, never doing anything I really wanted to do. Instead, my world revolves around them, my brothers who don't really want me there.

Whenever master is away or in his room, it's up to me to keep my brothers in line and to keep them from killing each other whenever things get out of hand. Not that they will listen, unless I make myself clear.

The rare occasions that I do managed to gain some free time, I always seem to get interrupted one way or another as Don comes to ask me for some assistance or Mike needs to hide from Raph after some prank he'd pulled. Even Raph drags me out of my trance to use me as a punching bag so he can wind down, muttering nonsense I can't even understand.

I'd do anything for them too, drop whatever I'm doing just to help them whenever they need me, I'd throw myself before a bullet for them. But it never seems to be appreciated, they never really thanked me either… They just complain afterwards.

I looked back to the forest, watching the colourful scene before me and I couldn't help thinking that I'd need a serious break. Let myself wind down, maybe even refind myself before I lose it completely, but…

I looked back towards the Battle shell again, my family needed me, whether they wanted it or not and I couldn't just abandon them…

Then… why do I feel like I'm falling? Like I'm flying through the air without wings?

Turning back to the forest I walked forward and kept on going until I came across a rather large clearing.

A beautiful, large tree stood in the centre, its long strong branches stretched out far, keeping the ground and the flowers underneath easily shielded from the rain. This tree was no doubt very old, but it still managed to looks so incredibly strong, so unbreakable.

I looked up at the sky as the rain fell down the sides of my face, I let all my insecurities out as a few tears fell from the sides of my cheeks, blending in with the rain and falling to the ground together.

It seemed to be taking all my pain with it and I couldn't help but smile as I stood there for a minute. I was never one to cry, but the feeling of letting everything out felt good, just what I had needed. And what better way to do that while the rain removes all the proof of it happening?

I smiled up at the sky and was about to walk towards the tree, until the sound of my shell cell going off nearly made me jump out of my own shell and I froze in shock. Was that my phone? Who would be calling me? Oh god! Please don't let it be an emergency! I'll never make it back in time!

Quickly pulling the device from my belt so I could check it and I stared at it in relief and amazement. It wasn't flashing red, which was a good sign. That meant no one was in trouble, but the bleeping means someone is trying to reach me.

Why was Don calling me? Wasn't he supposed to be working on some project of his? I thought he was working on some kind of electric bug… Hah, Raph is going to love that.

The ringing stopped before I had the thought or chance to answer it, no doubt having gone to voicemail, but the thing still beeped as it received a message.

Frowning, I tapped a few buttons and found that I had more than just one message, as well as multiple missed calls and voice mails. I could only stare at it, completely confused. I don't remember ever getting this many notifications… Hell! I don't even remember it going off tonight! How did I not hear it? It's as loud as Raph's snoring!

I quickly checked the time before shock ran over me as I realised I had been driving around in the rain for 8 hours! I knew I was out for more than an hour, but how did I manage that?! It was late when I left the lair, I can't believe it has been raining for so long! How was I supposed to know it had gotten this early?! No wonder they've been calling and messaging me nonstop!

I pressed the button to open my messages so I could go through tFhem and see where all the messages were coming from.

-Leo! Dude I thought you said you were taking the battle shell for a quick spin around the block? It's been an hour man. - -Weren't you going to join sensei in his mediation?-

-Pick up yer phone dude! - -Hey Leo, it's starting to rain please be careful!-

-Where are you? Did something happen?-

-Are you alright Leo? It's been 2 hours, we're starting to worry-

-Leo?-

-Leo it's almost time for the humans to start waking up, the battle shell will attract too much attention- -come on Leo please pick up your shell cell-

-Leo where are you?! Please come back bro!-

Wow… That actually surprised me… Even after just one hour Don and Mike had already started to worry. Was me leaving for just one hour such a red flag?

I've been gone for 8 hours? It's not that long, Raph would sometimes be gone for a whole day, taking shelter at Casey's without notifying us. So why are there so many messages on my phone? And why are they acting as if I'm missing? I never even thought they would care this much.

This is so confusing!

…

Oooooh, I think I understand now…

I snapped about three months ago. I just can't seem to remember what caused it… wait! I think I do…

I had been training with Master splinter since I had gotten up that morning, way before practice with my brothers and the second I got out of the dojo after our family training, Don had dragged me off because he needed help in the lab, then right after that Mikey had begged me to help him in his newest game when Don and Raph both declined. That had lasted until Dinner and before I had time to do anything for myself; read a book, meditate, etc.; Raph came up and made me spar with him since he couldn't seem to wind down.

So throughout the day, I've had Master splinter comment on my form and skills, Donnie irritated when I couldn't seem to keep up with his explanations and ramblings, Mike complaining on how my game skills had gotten worse somehow and then Raph just had to constantly curse and bicker at me. It was when he started calling me names again that I snapped.

I had kicked him so hard he literally flew across the room and against the wall, leaving a nice shell sized dent. Unfortunately he stood back up seriously pissed and ran straight at me for revenge.

Normally I would have just stepped aside and let him tire himself out, but not that day, well not completely.

I had stepped aside, but this time I had grabbed the tails of his mask, pulled them back the way he came with one hand and slammed the other straight into his chest. He had fallen to the floor, breath knocked out of him and just started at me in shock.

The others had ran into the dojo to see what was going on and started to demand an explanation after seeing my brother gasping and cradling his stomach on the dojo floor…

What did I say again? Oh! That's right:

"Enough! All of you! I go out of my way, every fucking day to help all three of you out. And what do I get in return?! Curses, complaints and wining. If you all can't appreciate what I do then find someone else to help you out, cuz I'm done! Yes, Donnie. I'm not as god damn smart as you, so how am I supposed to know what the hell you're talking about if you don't explain properly?! No, Mikey. I am not a game addict like you and I never play those stupid games on my own, so sorry if I don't know how the fucking buttons work!"

I remember taking a very deep breath here and pulled Raph up from the floor, flung him onto his press bench and made sure he was paying attention, before I could continue.

"And you, Raph. have you ever seen what kind of training I go through every single fucking day so I can improve my stupid skills and lead you all accordingly in battle?! There are a lot of sacrifices I have to make as a leader for this damn team! I can't even remember the last time I had been able to properly meditate or do anything without getting interrupted or dragged off. I try to help you guys as much as I can, but…"

I can still see their perplexed expressions so clearly. They had been so shell shocked at my little breakdown that I hadn't been able to continue my little tirade. I never snapped, much less curse at them! So yeah that might have been a little shocking…

"You know what? Never mind, I'm going to my room."

I had walked off and locked myself up until it had been time for our evening patrol. I was really going to stop helping them all together, but after they all started begging me to help them I couldn't help but fall back into it all.

It does explain why they're panicking right now… Do they think I won't be coming back? They should know I won't stay here. Besides, it's not like I could, no matter how tempting it gets. They always push me away and we fight every now and then, but I'll never be able to hate them. We have spent a lot of good times together, so hating them never even crossed my mind… I might be mad at them every now and then, but that passes.

I finally stepped underneath the tree, hoping I wouldn't end up getting sick from the rain and rested my shell against the tree to slide myself down to the floor, glancing around the area. There were a lot of different plants and flowers around here, as well as a lot of birds and bugs from what I could see.

It was then that I noticed the low branch on my right, full of half eaten leaves and on closer inspection I managed to find a small cocoon. The little bundle swung lightly as the wind pulled at it, but it stood its ground, peacefully holding onto the branch like a lifeline.

Before you know it this strange looking cocoon will release a beautiful butterfly, it always amazed me how caterpillars could change into something so different, so unique. Not only did they change colors, but they also gained wings to explore the world from more than the tree they had been born in.

A though struck me, a realisation I hadn't noticed before came rushing back to me.

Change.

That was right.

Things have been changing.

A lot, in fact… just slowly… I hardly even noticed it until now, but…

Michelangelo seemed to be dragging me off to the kitchen every now and then, teaching me how to cook simple things like pancakes without burning them or how to not break any of the appliances, he even seemed to play some low ranking level of his multiplayer games so he can explain how and what to do before starting a more difficult level.

Donatello had been explaining how to fix the devices I broke as well as how I'd manage to break them instead of complaining. It seemed that I had been helping him around the lab more often too and it shocked me how the information seemed to stick and making sense of Donnie's rambling came more easily.

And Raphael? Well he seemed to have turned over a new leaf. I always had a rough time dealing with him and I still do, but we started understanding each other a lot more lately. He seemed to be trying to improve his temper too, waiting and asking permission before going topside as well as discussing our disagreements instead of fighting about it. Giving us both a chance to explain and solve our arguments. And the name-calling? Can't say it stopped, but it has become more of a teasing thing than anything. He still calls me fearless too, though it's more of a positive nickname now.

I laughed quietly and couldn't help but think I should have snapped at them earlier. I seemed to have more time for myself too, well not very much, but whenever I'm meditating or reading a book they seem to try and leave me be. Though there are times where they ask whether I'd like to help them instead of just dragging me off without giving me a choice and I'm very grateful for that.

Raphael and I have been spending more time together too, running around the sewers or just watching something on TV. Needless to say, it was a lot of fun, but it made me realise a lot of other things too. Things I should not be noticing. Like his sent, it smells so musky and so inviting. Don't even get me started on his eyes, those beautiful amber eyes, I swear I'd get lost in them if I stare too long. And his muscles! They're so…

What am I thinking?! Does this mean I've started to like him?! As more than a brother?! How did he manage that?! And in less than three months no less! This can't be good…

Oh who am I kidding? I'd say I'm in love with him after everything that has been going through my mind lately.

That reminds me… Don and Mike have tried to get a hold of me, but Raph hasn't. Does that mean he doesn't care? Or maybe he hasn't noticed, he could be at Casey's…

I sighed and pulled myself up from the tree and placed my palm against the rough bark, it felt nice and strong, Just like Raphael…

I quickly shook my head in hopes of getting rid of the thoughts and started to make my way back to the battle shell, but stopped just as I was about to leave the clearing and turned around slightly.

A thought of staying here crossed my mind again, it was alluring to say the least. I'd be able to live in the sun without anyone noticing, I would have no responsibilities what so ever and I wouldn't have to worry about anything but myself.

On the other side, I love my family and after all the effort they have put into our friendship, especially in the last few months, it just proves that I'd never be able to leave them behind. I've really enjoyed spending time with them, I haven't even cared if they'd cut into my meditation lately and I've loved spending time with Raphael.

I smiled fondly at the newer memories and was going to turn around until something slammed into me from behind and knocked me off my feet.

Shock ran through me as a pair of arms wrapped themselves tightly around my waist from behind, pinning my arms uselessly against my sides.

Leaving me helpless as I toppled over and tumbled to the ground.