I hate myself so much

It'd been a note that was left after Papyrus left, and it was making him nervous. He wasn't sure why. It couldn't be anything good.

It never was with this kid. In everything but bad news… they were silent.

But Sans wasn't too worried. They'd always seemed to take a shine to him. Why, he didn't know. He wasn't the friendliest. Or happiest. Or helpful in any way. But they were a good kid… and he did some good things for them. At least, he thought so.

But as every day went by, he was terrified – terrified that he'd wake up somewhere else. And it would be their doing.

But even that was nothing compared to what was waiting for him. He never could've imagined what would happen in that dark room on that wretched day. When he went where Frisk had asked to meet…

He got dunked on.

There was a loud bang, and a flash, as he had tried to find the switch in the dark. Very basic, very juvenile – but the shit was scared out of him. He jumped, clutching his chest, and that's when the lights came on. A banner was strung in the entryway, painted with care: "the truth is that you got owned nerd". No punctuation. No capitalization. This was awful. This was the worst day of his life.

"but hey i actually do need to talk to you" read the note that was shoved in his face, causing him to jump again. He looked down at Frisk, sweating nervously.

This was twice in one day. His life was over.

Frisk betrayed no amusement, graciously. He wouldn't have done the same.

"Well, kid," he stuttered, "you've got me here. Nice… job… by the way."

Frisk's expression went from blank, to the biggest grin you've ever seen, to blank again in a second. Reminded him of Undyne. Then they grabbed the edge of their sleeve, wiping off the miniature whiteboard and frantically marking again.

Sans sighed, lamenting his Total Owning. He then immediately chastised himself for that sentence. "I mean, if you want, kid, I could teach you how to pull real pranks. You've got potential, but that – that did nothing to me. Y—" He froze as they held up the board.

"you should talk 2 alphys about gaster"

He calmed himself down quickly. This was a kid. Frisk was good. Frisk was a friend. But he couldn't really help his voice dropping. "How do you know about Gaster?"

Frisk recoiled. They always did when he did that. It made him feel like shit, honestly. But shakily, they erased and went back to writing.

Sans internally panicked. He pushed back everything unearthing one by one. Honestly he wished he was just sleeping right now. Like he was an hour ago. He'd gotten a lot more sleep since getting out – about three hours a night. It was still tough.

"i think she could help"

"I asked you how you knew, kid," Sans murmured, "and believe me, she couldn't."

Frisk erased, and spent a long moment rubbing their chin. They seemed kind of… frustrated. Then they furiously swatted at the board and showed it back to him.

timeline

[some sort of rope, with a bunch of x's]

back / forth

you know

sory

wanted 2 help,

Sans exhaled. "Oh, kid…"

He slumped down in a nearby kitchen chair. Almost all the furniture up here was made of wood. Underground it'd been a little less abundant. Frisk sat across from him, tilting their head and placing the board and marker on the table.

He felt exactly like he had all the way back then. Except now there was this kid in it too. He didn't want them to be like him. He looked at them, worried. Still, they only gave small emotional cues. Right now they were frowning a little.

"Kid… how many times have you jumped around?"

They expressed some sort of prompt.

"I can't do that, Frisk. I can keep track of it. I can feel it. But I don't know. It's not straight lines."

Frisk frowned more, and scribbled on their board:

"a lot"

"A lot," Sans said quietly while they erased and wrote more. Waiting a few moments, he got elaboration:

"we've gotten out 3 times

ive done more

but youre always sad

someone missing"

"went back

again again again"

"i saw him"

He sat up. "You… saw him."

"wasn't good

alphys can help"

they marked around the last phrase a bit, looking at him pleadingly.

"She can't, Frisk." Sans slouched onto the circular table. "Listen… kid…" He looked up at them, and looked away. "There's not always a way to fix something. There's not always a way to get someone back. You can get hurt… and that can never go away. No matter what you do. I've tried time and time again. I've exhausted my options. I've exhausted myself. There's… a point where you have to give up."

Frisk sat still for a moment, then wrote: "no"

"Kid –"

"no"

"Kid," he glanced sideways at the floor, "What do you think you're gonna go? What else do you think I can do? I've tried everything. I've gone beyond Alphys. Gaster, I… I can't help him. I can't. It's the one thing I ever believed in... The one thing I had within reach. The one thing I could hope for.

"And it was worth nothing. I don't remember how many times I've tried. But I know every single time… I failed. I am a failure. I'm dunkin' on myself, here, don't make me do this."

Frisk shook their head fiercely, hair swishing everywhere.

Sans leaned back, exasperated and upset. "Okay! Here! Kid! I didn't… I didn't wanna do this. But you know how many times you've gone back? To any point? How many times were you able to do something different? Something better? You get to a point where there's nothing more you can do. You learned about Gaster. But you still couldn't help him. Every time you went back, you were erasing your progress. Erasing your friends. Erasing me. Everything you'd worked for… everything you'd learned… everything you'd earned… gone.

Do you have any idea how … terrifying that is? To flick in and out of reality? To not really be a part of things? Now imagine you had no say in it. Imagine it happened, constantly. You're forced to be sent to relive everything, over, and over, again. Nothing has meaning anymore. Nothing is new, and every disappointment stacks and stacks until you give up. You just… stop. You let go of the reigns. You accept… that. You're just gonna have a shitty time. For a long time. And… the most you can do is have some good food. Get some sleep. Make some puns. Do you know how great that is, Frisk?"

Frisk stared down at the table.

"sorry sans

but we can fix"

"Okay, Frisk. Okay. What do you think you can do? What do you think you can try that I haven't?"

"determination."

Sans paused.

Frisk's pen hovered over the punctuation decisively, and their head tipped just a bit upward towards Sans.

"How's that gonna help?"

"alphys can help"

"Oh, shit," Sans exclaimed. "You're not talking about those experiments, are you? I'm not letting you get in those."

"youre swearing a lot"

"Oh, sh – sorry, kid. Sorry."

"it would help no one else would be hurt

makes souls last"

"I'm sorry, Frisk, but… I know you're trying really hard. And I'm sorry for – blowin up at 'ya. But you aren't really… grasping the full problem here."

"youre a scientist"

"Eheh, yeah. You found the key, didn't you?"

"you kept photo"

"Yeah, I – yeah."

"do you like star trek"

"We just got above ground a week ago, I haven't really – c'mon, kid. We're talking about something important."

"you know things alphys knows things

things+things = BIG SOLUTION"

"I like the way you worded that. But we've… we've gone over it before. She… doesn't really know all the details. No one… uh… it just doesn't…" he fidgeted. "It doesn't work. You know no one remembers him, right? He's just… gone."

"nope"

"Uh?"

"saw him, remember"

"You know what I mean."

"was he your boss"

"Yeah."

"how many jobs have u had"

"If I were your teacher I'd write you up for being off task. And also sucking at pranks."

"ok sans"

They erased, and started really writing. Sans laughed. "There's no essay question."

Frisk ignored him, sticking their tongue out in concentration, writing as small as they could.

"Oh boy." He glimpsed the bottom of their sleeve, coated in blue marker residue. "You gotta stop giving Tori so much laundry, kid."

In response, Frisk shoved the whiteboard at him at full speed. He had to catch it as it fell off the table, smudging some of the writing. "Uh."

Frisk slammed their head down on the table.

"It's alright, I can still read it," Sans grinned.

"no more resetting no more determination i'm done i want to stay im tired and i want to stay here

youre right about it im sorry but im done and now you have time theres no reason not to explain to alphys if you haven't done it already how do you know she cant help you have to tell her everything you have to open up you cant keep keeping it inside you its ok now"

Sans looked up from the board, slightly touched. But Frisk's head was still on the table.

"Sorry I… put that heavy stuff on you. But that's why… why I don't want to tell anyone." He set the board down solemnly. "Frisk… this… isn't fun. It's not fun knowing these things. Is it?"

Frisk hesitated, and shook their head from side to side across the table in a sweeping arc.

Sans couldn't suppress a snort. "Ok. Sorry. But – where was I… yeah, not fun, uh. Depressing, … I'm not good at vocab. That's all it is. Depressing. Ever since all this started… I've… not been having fun. You haven't, either, have you?"

Frisk didn't move.

"Imagine if… if Papyrus had to deal with this. I… I don't want him to have to. He doesn't deserve it. Alphys doesn't deserve more stress. Undyne…" He thought about it. "Undyne would be frustrated. It's not a physical problem. I just…" he pulled his hoodie closer around him. "This is their happy ending. They've all got what they wanted, what they needed. I don't want to… to ruin everything for them. To tell them everything was… choreographed. Played like a tape."

Frisk pulled their head toward their body.

"Don't get me wrong, kid. You've… you've done such a good thing. Something I thought impossible. And you've managed it… how many times? You really do care about us. And that's… more than I hoped for."

Their head shifted, and they rolled to the side, showing a small smile. Quickly Frisk pulled back the whiteboard.

"theres something wrong youre upset about

friends are for fixing it

they will help it's ok"

Sans closed his eyes, sliding the whiteboard back across the table to them. "Alright. I'll think about it."

He felt a tug on his sleeve and opened one eye. Frisk stood next to him holding the board.

"also toriel wants to ask if she can borrow a cup of sugar"

"Oh my god?"

Frisk tilted their head.

"That's just. Weird. That's a weird thing to come up after that. I don't even have any sugar."

Frisk erased and rewrote. "Do you at least have any bofa"

"What's bofa—"