So, I haven't published anything in….a long time. I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why, but I do want to offer one. Secondary to my genetic disease Ehlers danlos syndrome, I also have something called a Chiari malformation. Basically it means my skull is too small for my brain, and so my brain needs somewhere to go and so it makes it's way into my spinal cord. I get really bad migraines and eye pain/pressure because of this. But more recently, it's causing me to develop dyslexia and so I've been having a lot of trouble with dealing with that in reading/writing. Because of it I've been very self concious about my writing and that's why I haven't uploaded anything in months. I've worked on chapters of other stories I'm just not...ready to publish them yet.

That being said, since the new season has started I wanted to start a new one shot collection. I was happy with the premiere, but I have to be honest I wasn't overjoyed. Quite a bit of it was spoiled through sneak peeks and I took a lot of issue with how they ended it. From a promotional standpoint I understand it, but for a storyline/character standpoint I do not. Why was everyone out at Mollys when Jay, who had just been brutally tortured and isolated, was sitting alone at the hospital. And you can't tell me he wasn't, because yoooo everyone else was busy either drinking at Molly's, Erin was w/ Voight, and Al with his daughter. Jay was...alone. It just felt… incomplete, especially for linstead, even after the ambulance scene(which I loved). I still was left wishing their was more, and from the looks of it we aren't going to get it next week since Jay will already be back on the job.

SO I've decided that I want to do this one shot series of adding scenes we missed or re-writing scenes we didn't particularly like how they played out. I'm completely open to requests as well so feel free to throw them at me either here or on tumblr. I hope to upload something once a week, but as I explained my health is a little unpredictable so I can't make promises. I can only promise I will do the best I can. P.S. Thank you so much to Amna and Morgan for reading over this and editing it so well for me. 3

Hospital scene- Here it is, please be gentle, I hope you enjoy! xx

Erin Lindsay walks steadily through the maze of hallways, her boots squeaking on the linoleum with each step. She wrings her previously bloodstained hands together as the events of the day, and the last few weeks, run through her head on a loop. Erin can't help but feel responsible for the situation that Jay had gotten into. If she had come to her senses sooner she could have saved him the pain of being taken and brutally tortured. She recalls the look of pain deeply implanted in the orbs of his eyes when she first saw him. The flash of relief she didn't see in them was the only reason Erin's feet were still moving down the quiet hallway.

As she approaches the door with the room number that Jay's brother Will had texted to her, Erin comes to a stop. Taking a deep breath, she knocks softly before pushing open the heavy wooden door. Her eyes settle on the sleeping form of her partner. She takes in the sight of him, bruises and lacerations all over his body, and it makes her heart ache. The bruises had transformed from their initial shade of bright red to deep purple. The emotions and the events of it all soon hit Erin, washing over her like a wave. Her throat constricts, causing the breath to leave her lungs in the form of an audible whoosh.

The noise, although subtle, rouses a groggy Jay from his slumber. He slowly opens his eyes, taking a minute to orient himself before his blurry gaze lands on the woman who was once - was again, his partner. His lips curve up into a weak smile, but it quickly falters when he notices the anguished look on her face.

"Erin," Jay grunts, pushing himself up slightly. "What's wrong?"

"This," Erin squeaks out. Her voice cracks under the weight of her guilt and she throws her hands into the air, gesturing to the room that drowns them both. "You're lying in a hospital bed, Jay. You're in the hospital and I'm the one that put you here."

"Erin," Jay tries, but Erin effectively cuts him off with a quick shake of her head. As close as she is to him she still stands so very far away by the door of his room.

Jay wouldn't let her blame herself though. Sure she had made some bad choices, they all had at one point, but none of this was her fault. She had to know that. He had walked into that undercover operation of his own volition and it had gone completely and utterly sideways. That was no one's fault, but his own that he ended up where he was now. His gut had told him something was off in the side hallway of the airport before him and Benji Keyes had entered the hanger. But he didn't listen. He just went with it. Forgetting his partner wasn't there to have his back. Not listening to his intuition was on Jay, not Erin. Hell, Lindsay had narrowly avoided ending up the same predicament herself, but the look of sheer guilt burning in Erin's hazel eyes was carving a pit in his stomach so deep he had to try and rectify it. Some way.

"Erin," Jay presses once more, his voice assertive as he sits up fully in his bed. He wags a hand at her, waving her over to him. He doesn't miss the internal struggle that battles on within her eyes. "Come over here. Please?"

Reluctantly Erin obliges his request within a few moments. She slowly makes her way to the side of his bed, but drops her gaze to the blanket that covers the lower half of Jay's body. She picks at the cotton fabric of the blanket as the emotions that flood her mind dart around inside of her a thousand miles an hour. She can't just focus on one to form a thought. Erin concludes it would be a hell of alot easier if he could just read her mind. If he could just feel the layers of emotions that were building up inside of her and know that all of them were for him. Erin's shaking fingers find the warm skin of Jay's hand resting on the side of his bed. She traces an invisible outline over the top of his hand as if the pattern itself would somehow form a simple map for her heart to follow. When Jay pulls his hand from her's only to wrap his fingers around her wrist, Erin snaps her head up to meet his eyes with her own.

"Tell me what you're thinking." Jay requests as he slides his rough fingers over the palm of her hand to intertwine their fingers together.

Erin swallows the lump in her throat before she takes a deep breath, squeezes Jay's hand against hers, and then she throws it all out there. "Losing Nadia was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through, Jay. Losing someone and knowing it's my fault - I didn't know how to deal with that. So I didn't deal at all. Instead I pushed away everyone who has ever meant anything to me. I felt like doing that was the only way to keep them safe, to keep you safe. But I was wrong. And because I was wrong I almost lost you."

Erin pauses for a moment as she takes a seat at the edge of Jay's bedside and she squeezes his hand once more. She takes another quick breath, feeling determined to get it all out before the tears escape from her and she can't continue along anymore. "I can't lose you, Jay. I wouldn't come back from that. I wouldn't survive."

Erin drops her chin to her chest, hoping he can't see the tears making trails down her face, but she knows better. She knows he always sees her.

"Hey," Jay whispers. His voice somewhat harsh and wavering with his own mixed up emotions.

Jay pulls her hand towards him, somehow slipping it beneath the fabric of his hospital gown, and holds it in the middle of his chest. She looks at him confused for a single second before she feels the thump against her palm. Jay nods at her once, and she knows then.

Erin feels it under her skin, the flushed warmth of his. The steady beat of his heart. Letting her know he's still here. That he's alive. Reassuring her with every beat that drums against her skin that he hasn't left her.

"Erin," Jay says firmly enough to bring her hazy eyes to meet his. He keeps her hand against his chest and moves the other to cup the side of her face. The pad of his thumb moves over her tear stained cheek and she leans into the palm of his hand.

"I'm not going anywhere, Erin. Not if I have anything to say or do about it. I'm not going to leave you. I will never leave you. At least not by my choice."

When a sob escapes from her throat then, Jay ignores the aching pain he feels in his ribs and abdomen and uses his grip on her to pull Erin down onto his bed. She's leaning against him, her hand wedged between them still on his heart, and his chin rests on the side of her head.

"It's okay, Erin," Jay whispers into her hair as she lets out another anguished sob. "Let it go. Let it out. It's okay."

And just like that she does. She lets it all go. She buries her face in Jay's chest and cries loud. Cries out aching, painful sobs and releases all of the emotions she's been keeping bottled up inside of her since they found Nadia's body on that beach months ago. Everything she had pushed deep down inside of her for so long. The pain, the loss, the guilt. It somehow all starts to melt away as Jay pulls his hands away from her and wraps his arms completely around her. He holds her steady. Holds her tight. He doesn't let her go.

Jay isn't sure how long they lay there, but her sobs eventually turn to broken sniffles that fill the silence every few minutes. His hand runs over her back in lazy patterns until her breathing returns to normal, and the hiccups even out.

"Everything is going to be okay." Jay murmurs into her hair.

As Erin lies there against him, listening to the continual steady beat of his heart, she believes him. She lifts her head, giving his blue eyes a longing look.

"I know," Erin whispers. Her hand finds his stubble stricken jaw for a second before her lips meet his. It's soft and sweet, holding a promise that she couldn't yet say aloud. But it's right then that Erin finally comes to the realization that she didn't have to say the words for either of them to know what that silent promise was; what it meant for them.

Jay's lips curl into a small smile once Erin pulls back, her hand sliding between them for her to run her thumb over his bottom lip. She doesn't bolt like Jay had thought she might, instead she lays her head back down against his chest and curls her body into his side. He lets out a short sigh of relief before dropping a kiss into her hair.

Erin closes her eyes, letting the beat of his heart against her cheek relax her frayed nerves. She stretches her legs out against the side of his body, mindful of her boots and his injuries, and drapes an arm over his torso. She fingers the fabric of the material that covers his bruises and let's out a short sigh of relief.

His heart is beating. He's breathing. He's okay. He's alive. He is still here.

Erin repeats those words over and over in her mind; a necessary reminder for her to keep her head. And as the rhythm of Jay's chest continues to beat steadily against the side of her face, Erin soon drifts off into a slumber of her own.

Ugh it was so rough, but like i said it's my first time uploading anything in a long time and I hope it wasn't too terrible to read. I hope I can get back into the swing of things rather quickly, until then I hope you can bare with me. D: xx J 3