Arcadia: An Epilogue

"Beckett?" a voice says, and she grunts. The tile underneath her knees crunches against the bone of her patella every time she shifts, the muscles of her abdomen in spasm with her gagging. Kate swipes a hand through her hair, gross and knotted because she can't stand up long enough to wash it in the shower. "How are you doing, honey?"

"Just great," she mutters, stretching a trembling arm up to hit the button and flush the toilet. Castle comes to his knees beside her and presses a cool hand to her forehead. It makes her eyes close and she lists into the touch, letting that one point of contact support her weight. "Miserable."

His free arm comes around her shoulders and he eases her in close, props her up against his chest. She made him turn down the heat in the loft, because she's been burning up for weeks, and she's wearing a tank top while everybody else bundles up in their thickest sweaters.

A strap falls down her shoulder and she huffs a noise of irritation, letting her heavy head drop into the curve of her partner's neck. He hooks the thin strap back up onto her shoulder and she flutters two fingers against his thigh in gratitude. "I think I'm gonna have to go."

"Go where?" he says gently, smoothing back the tiny baby hairs that cling to her sweaty neck, spidery lines like fissures in marble. "You live here, Kate. Where are you gonna go?"

"My dad's place," she whispers, drawing her legs up close to her chest and wrapping one arm around her knees. "He's not cooking. It's the smell, babe. I can't-"

Castle sighs, lovely cool breath against the crown of her head. She knows it can't be comfortable for him to be on the floor like this, that the hard edge of the cabinet must grate against every ridge of his spine. Still he stays, his body broad and soft underneath her.

"I'll dump it out. I'll throw it all away, if it means I get to spend Christmas with you."

"No," she cries out, a wash of exhaustion rolling through her immediately and making her whole body sag. "No. Please don't ruin Christmas for Alexis and Martha on my account. Or yourself, Rick. I'm a burden right now."

His fingers clutch at her waist, the curious hollowness of her stomach. She's been losing weight instead of gaining it, and the doctor said it's nothing to worry about, that it's perfectly normal, but it still scares her. And Rick.

He hates to see her suffer, face scrunching up in sympathy every time she has to break away from him and run for the bathroom. Castle has been attentive and supportive, has been there for every single thing she needs, and she's so overwhelmed with gratitude that she can hardly speak half the time.

"I love you," he says fiercely, his lips at her temple again and again in little feathering presses. "You're never a burden. This baby is half mine, Beckett. That means this is half my fault. What kind of monster would I be if I didn't help however I can."

"Already the luckiest baby in the world, to have you for a daddy," she smiles, her head rolling against his shoulder. "I know I'm supposed to keep eating, but I don't think I can."

"I have some saltines and ginger ale for you in the bedroom."

Kate huffs a laugh even as her stomach screeches its protest and squeezes tight into a fist. Her palm falls to the smooth expanse of her abdomen and she strokes her thumb over the place she imagines their baby is. So tiny still, not big enough to offer his parents proof of life, but God. How she loves their son.

"I'm sorry, Castle. When we talked last year about me being pregnant at Christmas, I imagined giant sweaters stretching over the bump and some tacky Baby's First Christmas ornament with a picture of his sonogram. Not this."

"It's still good," he says immediately, fiercely. He hasn't allowed her to sink into misery, even when her body has twisted and torqued with sickness. Even when an exhaustion she hasn't felt since she was shot has taken hold, had her falling asleep beside him on the couch almost every night, her partner has been determined in his optimism. "Although I am a little disappointed that I didn't get to marry you first."

Kate huffs a laugh and sits up, her stomach beginning to settle now. The pregnancy was a surprise, one that made her yell out for him. He came tumbling into the bathroom, his face pale and slack with panic, and they had cried together with that miraculous little plus sign between them, clutched tight in her fist.

"One day," she promises on a smile, shifting out of his lap so that she can face him. His hand comes to her cheek and his thumb smoothes over the too-stark edge of her cheekbone, his head dipping close until his forehead meets hers. "Where are your mom and Alexis? I don't want to steal you from them. This is not going to become a recurring thing, Castle."

"It won't," he laughs, lifting his chin to kiss her temple. "Next year we'll have a five month old stealing everybody's attention."

Kate shakes her head and covers her mouth with a palm, her eyes wide and peering at him from over the top of her fingers. "It's so weird. This time next year, we'll have a son, Castle."

"We already have a son," he beams, one hand curling into a fist and his knuckles brushing her stomach through her shirt. It's a greeting between them, her two guys, that Castle has been doing almost from the moment they found out. "He's just not out in the world yet."

"Tell me about it," she grumps, shifting to her knees. She has to put both hands at the counter and haul herself upright, but she makes it to standing and she a little noise of triumph bubbles up out of her. Castle laughs and gets up as well, banding an arm around her middle.

She gives herself a moment to lean back against her partner, his palm splayed wide over her stomach, and then Kate reaches for some mouthwash and swills, spitting into the sink. Their honeymoon period is long over, and Kate has given up trying to keep up pretences in front of him.

Castle has been here, holding her hair back, rubbing the length of her spine to soothe her. He's cooked dinner for them only to watch her eat two mouthfuls and turn away with a hand pressed to her mouth. He's kissed her, careful to keep his hands well clear of places she didn't know could even be this sensitive.

Amazing. He's been amazing, and she knocks her temple against the edge of his jaw in gratitude. "I'll try some saltines. See if they settle me."

Her partner nods at her in the mirror and lets her go, the stitches at her heels tugging him along behind her into their bedroom. "Wanna just stay in here for a bit?"

"No," Kate lifts her shoulders and turns back to see him. "I want to spend time with our family. As long as they don't mind if I puke in front of them."

"You're not gonna puke again," he says, digging a knuckle into her lower back, just to the left of her spine . Spending so much of her time leaning over the toilet bowl has her muscles locked in spasm, but the deep pressure sends a flood of liquid heat through her. It settles like need in the pit of her stomach and Kate moans, Castle's throaty chuckle making her hips rock shallowly. "See, you're fine."

She doesn't even bother to turn and face him, let him see her eye roll. Instead, Kate collects the saltines and the ginger ale from her nightstand, padding through to the living room to make herself a nest on the couch. That same thick, leopard throw that she appropriated last year is waiting for her, and Kate stretches out on top of it.

Martha and Alexis gaggle around her like geese, long-necked and flapping, but Kate waves them away with a hand and a soft smile. She's starting to feel better, and today is the first time she's gotten sick in a few days, so she's good.

"I'm alright. I promise. Just need to settle my stomach."

"Darling, I feel just awful about it," Martha says, one hand pressed against her chest. "We can't possibly sit in front of you and gorge ourselves on Christmas dinner."

The image makes her wrinkle her nose and Kate breathes slowly, wills the little one in her belly to give Mommy a break. Just for today.

"No, Martha. Alexis," she reaches out a hand to the girl and tugs, brings Castle's daughter down to sit on the couch next to her. "I don't want you two to do anything different. And I promise you, next Christmas I won't be miserable and sick on your couch."

"Next Christmas the baby will be here," Alexis says, drawing her feet up onto the sofa. She curls her socked toes over the edge of the cushion and wiggles them, propping her chin on the crest of her knees. "My brother."

Kate reaches for the girl's hand and squeezes tight, so very thankful for Alexis and her grace. She had been surprised when they told her the news, but then a grin had bloomed at her mouth and she had wrapped her arms tight around the both of them, promised them that she's happy about this.

"I hope you know that your dad and I are going to be handing him off to you constantly for babysitting duty. Especially at Christmas when everything's chaotic."

"I don't mind," Alexis says, folding her legs underneath herself now. Martha has snagged Castle, the two of them bustling together over something in the kitchen, and Kate does her best to ignore them, and the food. Alexis' round, eager face is wise as the moon and Beckett focuses on her, smiling right back. "I'm really excited. I want to help as much as I can."

Gratitude comes like a fist around Beckett's throat and she breathes slowly, nodding through the flood of warmth at the back of her eyes. "Thanks, bud. This baby is already so lucky to have you, and your dad and your grams."

"And you, Kate," Alexis says, her eyes caught firmly on her own knees. "The baby is lucky to have you as a mom. Trust me. You're already. . .you love him so much, and he's not even here yet. More than my mom loves me."

"Oh, sweetheart, no," Kate says, opening her arm to Alexis and drawing the girl in to an embrace. Her fingers sift through the spill of Alexis' hair and she rocks her a little. "Meredith loves you so much. I know that she does."

Castle's daughter makes a little noise of grief and presses her face against Kate's shoulder, her hand fisted in Kate's shirt just over her stomach. "I know she loves me. Just not this much. I haven't spent Christmas with her since I was four."

"I know it's not the same," Kate says gently, cradling the back of Alexis' head. "I know I'm not your mom. But I love you, Alexis. I'm so grateful and so proud that my son will have a sister as amazing as you."

"Thanks, Kate," Alexis whispers, straightening up on the couch and carding a self-conscious hand through the spill of her hair. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. But let's not dwell on it, hmm? Not today. Not on Christmas Eve."

"Are you sure you're alright?" Kate asks again, poking her toes into her partner's thigh.

He huffs, dragged up out of his distraction and back to her, and his face scrunches up as the tide of awareness laps at him. "Yeah. Fine. Why?"

"Christmas matters so much to you," she shrugs, wriggling her foot when Castle's fingers wrap around it. He's got cookie angel in his other hand, snagged the ornament from the tree almost the moment Alexis was out the door, and she wishes he weren't so forlorn over it. "And Alexis and your mother aren't here."

"Yeah," he says easily, finally setting his daughter's creation down on the end table. "But you're here. And yes, maybe Mother and Alexis are moving on, moving away from our traditions. But now there's you, and our baby, and we can make new traditions."

Kate shifts around on the couch until she's pressed against her partner's side, leaning against the bough of his arm. Propping her chin on top of his shoulder, she kisses the soft patch of skin just underneath his ear. "I'm proud of you, babe. I know it's not easy to have them gone today. But at least we got to have dinner with them."

"About that," he grins, tugging on her until Kate allows herself to be arranged in his lap. His massive, warm paw gravitates towards her stomach, nudging underneath her shirt in search of bare skin, and she almost imagines their son kicking out to greet his father. "I'm proud of you too. You managed to eat some. It staying down okay?"

"For now," she huffs, reaching down to pull off her socks. She's burning up again, and Castle's lips are cool when they skim over her forehead. "Thanks for not getting me a puppy."

That makes him snort on a laugh and his grin stretches wide and lopsided, his eyes scrunched tightly closed as if to keep some of the joy inside. He looks so pleased with her, so glad to find her here, and Kate smiles right back.

"I thought a dog and a baby in the same year might be a little much. Maybe we leave it until he's four or five, hmm?"

"Good plan," she agrees. Eyes sliding closed, Kate imagines their little boy toddling after a puppy, the two of them playing together. Curled up to take a nap, their son's head pillowed against the dog's fuzzy belly. "It'll be like those videos you're always showing me. The two of them growing up together."

"Yeah," he hums. Worming his way out from underneath her, Castle brushes a hand over her cheek and his fingers slide up into her hair, massaging her scalp. "Hey. You with me?"

Nuzzling her cheek into his palm, Kate lets the purr rumbling behind the cage of her ribs escape. It makes him laugh and her eyes pop open to see it, her tongue just darting out against the skin of his palm. It's a little salty, his skin clammy, and she pulls her legs underneath herself to sit up straighter on the couch.

"I'm with you."

"Stay right there," he says, leaving her on the couch. Castle goes to rummage around underneath the tree, even though she didn't think there was anything left. He bends at the waist, pants stretching tight around his butt and Kate tilts her head.

She feels good, lazy still, but parts of her are awakening and when Castle comes back to sit beside her she hooks an arm around his neck and draws him in for a kiss. His tongue slicks inside her mouth and she hums, arching until her chest presses against his.

"Mm, Kate," he sighs, breaking apart from the kiss and pushing on her shoulder until she leans back against the arm of the couch. "I love you."

"I know," she huffs a laugh, crossing her legs. Beckett spent the fourth of July week in the Hamptons with Castle and his family, and on the day itself he hosted a barbecue for their families and their friends at the precinct. He had asked her to move in; she agreed, of course, flung her arms around his neck and kissed him in front of everyone they care about.

Almost as soon as they were back, she started moving her stuff into her partner's loft, and she's been here almost six months now. So happy that she sometimes feels delirious with it, but when he first opened his mouth and everyone grew hushed, she had thought-

Well. Her finger is still bare, but she's here and she's having his baby and it doesn't matter. She doesn't mind.

"I love you," he's saying again, and then he slips off the couch and goes down to one knee in front of her.

Castle takes her left hand in both of his and lifts it to his mouth, brushing a kiss to her knuckles and clearing his throat before he goes on.

"Planning this almost drove me nuts. I wanted it to be special, and perfect. But I know you don't like fuss, and I remembered you saying something about not sharing something so intimate with Reggie the chopper pilot."

That makes her laugh through the tears that are making a slick trail down her cheeks and Kate swipes at them with the fingertips of her free hand, nodding at him to continue.

"So I decided to do this just you and me. I am so in love with you, Kate. When we went undercover, it just made me certain of what I already knew. I want to spend the rest of my life in the warmth of your smile, I want to raise our son by your side. So, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"

"Yes," she blurts, fingers curling around his ear and tugging until he's upright, stooped half over her on the couch. He gets one knee to the cushion and he leans in, kisses her again.

Castle plucks the ring box from his pocket and pops it open, shows her the diamond inside. It's beautiful, and huge, and she holds out her hand for him to slide the engagement ring past her knuckle. The moment it settles at the base of her finger she fists both hands in his shirt and tugs until he gets on the couch properly, his body nestled between her legs.

She kisses him, her mouth open and seeking at his and her whole body trembling. Her hips come up, and Castle bands an arm around her and rolls them until Kate ends up sprawled on his chest. He kisses the tip of her nose, brushing the hair back out of her face, and he grins.

"Just so you know, this isn't shotgun. Not for me. I've had the ring since Valentine's Day."

"You have?" she gapes at him, dipping back down for another kiss. His thigh nudges between her legs and she rocks helplessly against the solid edge of muscle, quivering with need. "Why didn't you ask then?"

He grins against her mouth and sits up, bringing her upright with him until they're both sitting somewhat normally on the couch again. "I was scared. Everything was so perfect between us, and I was afraid of ruining things. But then you got pregnant, and I knew that we were going to have forever. So I summoned my courage."

"I don't think I want to wait until he's born," Kate says, resting a hand against her stomach again. "Castle, I want to have the same name as my son on his birth certificate. I know it doesn't change anything, not really, but I want to be your wife before he's here."

"We can go to the courthouse tomorrow and do it if that's what you want," he says, sliding an arm around her shoulders and clutching at her.

Kate shakes her head on a laugh, her stomach bubbling with joy. "Can't go tomorrow, Castle. It's Christmas Day. They'll be closed. And I don't really want to do it at the courthouse. But small. Intimate. And soon."

"Gonna be my wife," he beams, wiggling his shoulders like a little boy. Kate already knows exactly what their son is going to be like.

He'll be smart, and charming. He'll be handsome, and he'll be kind and brave. He'll be everything that his father is.

Sliding her arms around her fiancé - holy crap - Kate curls up small in his lap and closes her eyes, fluttering her fingers against her stomach. A year ago, when they went undercover, this life seemed like a far away dream. Something she was going to have to grit her teeth and fight for.

"Hey," she reaches for his hand and laces their fingers together, letting her body find rest against his. "Thank you, Castle."

"Thanks for saying yes."

A low groan makes Kate's eyes fly open and she sits upright, propping the weight of her body on one elbow. She wasn't asleep, not really, but drowsy enough that the noise makes panic pulse in the base of her throat. "Castle? What's going on?"

"I don't know what we're going to do," he sighs, coming to sit on the edge of her bed. She's got the railing down on this side so that he can climb in with her and he does just that, swinging his legs up onto the mattress. "We messed up, Kate."

"I know," she laughs, reaching out to take the baby from her husband. Kate arranges the newborn against her chest and brushes a finger over the pout of the little one's lips. "What were we thinking?"

"It just- when we talked about it while we were undercover it just seemed so inevitable. It never occurred to me that we might need actual proof."

Kate smoothes her fingers over the cap of dark hair, but it's no use. It sticks up all over the baby's head like fur, a fuzzy little cub, so Kate dusts her lips to the wrinkled forehead. "I know. I really wasn't expecting a girl."

"Me neither," her husband huffs, touching the tip of his index finger to their daughter's palm. Her tiny fingers curl around her daddy, flexing a couple of times before she goes still, grasping at Castle. "And now she doesn't even have a name. What kind of welcome to the world is that?"

His voice gets shrill at the end and their daughter's eyes pop open to stare up at Kate. Her lashes are so long, thin and delicate as shadow, and she blinks at her mother.

So far, their baby girl has been mostly quiet. She fed without a fuss, fell asleep still latched on, and then Castle took the baby to burp her and let Kate get some rest.

"Hi, sweet girl," Kate says to their daughter, dusting the tip of her finger over the curve of the baby's cheek. "You surprised us. But Mommy and Daddy are so glad to meet you."

"We need to think of something," Castle says, shifting in the bed until he's pressed against her side. His lips come to the edge of her cheekbone in a kiss, his nose nuzzling at her hairline. She's sweaty and gross, hasn't managed to shower yet, but he doesn't seem to care one bit. "I'm sorry to do this to you, honey. I know how tired you are. And I'm so proud of you."

That makes heat flood her cheeks and she ducks her head to hide it, focuses on the brand new little person in her arms instead. Kate wanted to do it without painkillers, wanted to feel every moment of it. She survived a gunshot, so she can handle pain, and Kate wanted to earn this feeling of absolute, staggering adoration.

"No, you're right. She needs a name. My phone is going off every five seconds with texts from people wanting to know what it is."

"Got any ideas?" her husband grumbles, scraping a hand over his face. He's tired too, stayed by her side for every single second of labour. Only left to get his fingers taped up by one of the nurses while Kate learned how to breastfeed.

One hand safely underneath their daughter, she reaches for his hand lifts it to her mouth, skimming her lips over the purpling hematoma of his knuckles. "Sorry I broke your hand, babe."

"Worth it," he shrugs, their little girl still clinging tight to his good hand. When she was born, they put the baby on Kate's chest, but she only got a couple of minutes before they were taking the newborn away for her vital checks and to clean her up.

She came back to them pink and dozing, dressed in the elephant onesie that was once her big sister's. Kate had been surrounded by nurses while she dealt with the third stage of labour, so Rick had gotten to hold their baby girl, rocking her and murmuring against the tiny shell of her ear.

"I do have an idea," Kate says, shifting the baby over into Castle's arms. Her body aches, and as much as she wants to keep her newborn close and safe against her chest, getting to see the way her husband's face cracks open with joy is almost better.

He takes their daughter, swaddled tight in the blanket Aunt Theresa knitted, and he arranges the baby in the crook of his arm. "Hit me with it."

"Be honest if you hate it," she starts, wrinkling her nose. Kate looks at the slack, sleeping face of their daughter and she nods once, a smile tugging at one corner of her mouth. "But we were going to call the baby James, right? After my dad. So what if we just. . .do that anyway."

"James for a girl's name."

"Yeah," Kate pinches the bridge of her nose and sags back against the pillows. "Stupid idea. Forget I-"

"I love it," Castle blurts out. They stare at each other for a moment and then they're both grinning and he's kissing her, tentative and mindful of the sleeping baby in his arms. "It's perfect. Unusual, without being difficult to spell or something she's going to have to be constantly explaining. And she's totally adorable enough to pull it off."

Kate strokes her finger over the baby's cheek again and their daughter's eyes pop open, her mouth round as a fish as she stares up at them. Leaning in close, Kate kisses the baby's forehead and then pulls back to smile down at their little girl.

"Hi, James. Hi sweetheart. Is that your name?"

"I think she likes it," Castle whispers as their daughter yawns, one little fist coming up. Her eyes close again and she relaxes in her daddy's arms, smacking her lips as she sinks into sleep again. "Middle name? I think Joseph for your mom might be taking it a little bit too far."

Rolling her eyes at him, Kate wraps her fingers around their baby's foot and props her chin on her husband's shoulder to watch their daughter sleep. "No. Not Joseph. But I was thinking maybe Anna instead? As long as you're sure your mom isn't going to feel left out."

"Kate, honey," Castle says gently, turning his head until he can get his lips against her cheek. "I don't mean to upset you, here, but my mother is still alive. She gets to spend time with the baby, so I'm sure she won't mind if our daughter is named after your mom."

"You're right," she swallows back the thickness of grief in her throat. There have been so many times she's missed her mother in the fourteen years since Johanna was killed, but it's never been quite like this.

Loss opens like a gaping maw in the pit of her stomach and she buries her face against her husband's arm while it chews at her. Her mother will never meet James, never be there for phone calls at two am when Kate is panicking that she can't do this.

"I'm gonna put her down," Castle says gently, already climbing out of bed to put their daughter down in the plastic hospital bassinet. He stoops to kiss the baby's cheek and then he comes back to Kate and sinks to sit at her side, both arms around her. "It's okay to cry, sweetheart. It's okay to be sad, and to miss your mom. You can let it out."

"It hurts," Kate says around a sob, her face mashed against Castle's chest now and aching with the twist of grief. Her skin feels prickly as the salt dries on her skin and she rubs her head against her husband's shirt, one hand fisted over his stomach. "I miss her so much."

Castle's fingers sift through her hair and he kisses the crown of her head, easing her down until they're both horizontal in the bed. "I know you do. Wherever she is, she is so proud of you, Kate."

"It's not fair," she wails, childish despair welling up in her chest and she grits her teeth, her body trembling. Careful not to sob too loudly, because it's supposed to be the baby's cries that wake her, not the other way around.

"It's not," her husband agrees, tugging the sheet up over them and stroking a hand up and down the length of her spine. "Try to get some rest now. I told everyone not to come until after lunch, so we've got a few hours yet before the masses descend. She's quite the celebrity, our daughter."

Kate's laughter comes in a thick, wet bubble, but already her grief is pushed back to make way for the rich bloom of love inside. Their daughter snuffles in her sleep and Kate lifts up on an elbow to look at her, amazed all over again by every tiny, perfect inch.

"So we're decided? James Anna Castle, yeah?"

"Yes," Castle says, tugging on her until she lays flat again. "It's perfect. I love you, Kate. You're amazing."

Scrubbing her face against his chest, Kate hooks an arm around his waist and lets out a shaky breath. "I love you too, Rick. Thanks for going undercover with me."

"Yeah," he laughs, the muscle of his bicep jumping underneath her head. "Best case ever."

A/N: Happy birthday, Ally! I hope you have a truly wonderful day.