— I own only this story and any original characters. —

...I really don't even like Vance and yet he's there, like that.

Leo

...

When he first met her, they were both maybe just a little too drunk and too much of life. Not quite Jesse and Céline; much less romantic, much more awkward and there was much less talking involved. They exchanged names, but not phone numbers. It was just one of those 'living in the moment' situations that could happen to anyone. Typical one-night stand. You meet once and you never see each other again. Two broken souls who simply needed someone to hold them and help forget life and rest of the world for a while. It wasn't right the things they did, but when you were hurting and didn't know any other way, being wise or even smart was the last thing on the mind.

The next morning they exchanged awkward smiles, a kiss on the cheek and then they went back to living their lives, never meeting again or thinking about what they did. Meeting again would be too big of a reminder. Thinking about it would mean to admit it really did happen.

To be fair that had been the plan, both of them having been far too vulnerable on that fateful night over a month ago.

...

...

"Special Agent DiNozzo," Tony answers his phone tiredly and then a moment later he nearly drops it. The others finally look at him when the frown on his face deepens as he's listening quietly. "No, that's fine... Yes... Thanks..." He ends the call and rubs his eyes, hoping they're not a giveaway to just how exhausted he is.

"DiNozzo?"

"Nothing you need to worry about, boss."

Ziva and McGee openly stare at him now. The 'I share my entire life with you ' man isn't in a sharing mood? Gibbs doesn't look too happy either, but before anyone can start pestering Tony for answers, the elevator doors open, revealing a young woman. As soon as she spots Tony, she runs out, crying and shaking, and then throws herself into his arms before he can stand up.

"Tony!"

"Laura..." Looking anywhere but at his team, Tony carefully wraps his arms around the shaking form in his arms. This isn't supposed to happen, he's unprepared, and seeing her makes him feel vulnerable. It makes his skin crawl, knowing that his team is already trying to strip down all his defenses to discover his deepest secrets.

"DiNozzo."

"Who is she?" McGee spoke at the same time as their boss and when Gibbs glares at him, he quickly shuts his mouth and cowers.

"Is she not too young for you?" Ziva asks with a taunting voice.

Tony doesn't flinch, but he suddenly feels cold. He doesn't need to be reminded that he has crossed that red line of forty. Laura isn't exactly half of his age, but her youthful appearance and the running nose mixed with her tears makes her look even younger than her barely thirty years. He could already see them start comparing him to Senior, which is the last thing he wants or needs.

"Both of you be quiet and get back to work!" Gibbs growls out with a booming voice, feeling some guilt when the woman jumps at his raised voice. Then, much to his surprise, Tony glares at him over her head, with a clear warning in his eyes. "DiNozzo..." Gibbs tries again, but Tony shakes his head as he stands up with his arms still around the woman who now refuses to even face them. At least she has stopped crying, stopped making any kind of sounds, courtesy of Gibbs scaring her with his angry commanding tone of voice.

"I think I'll take that break now," Tony says with a tight, barely controlled voice. They watch as he leads the woman back in the elevator. With one last look to the bullpen, before the doors separate him from his team, Tony finally allows the guarded look on his face fade. When he stops the elevator, his other hand keeps Laura from falling over.

"What..?" She looks a little uncertainly around the small space.

"It gives us more privacy in here, but if you want, we can go to someplace nicer." While saying that, Tony hopes that his team—and Abby—won't even think about following them.

"No... No, it's fine."

"So." Tony rubs his neck uncertainly. "You're here. What's wrong? I mean, obviously something must be or you wouldn't be here, looking the way you do."

For a while she seems to have lost her ability to speak. When she finally gets the life changing words out of her mouth, her voice cracks and she looks ready to start crying again. "I'm pregnant."

If a man could be turned into a stone with a single spoken sentence then that would be it. When she spoke, he could almost hear the proverbial bomb go off next to his ears and for a while he can't hear anything. Then things get blurry and he can't breathe. Once he can think again, there are thousands of different thoughts going through his mind at the same time, some overlapping the others. Who is the father? Why is she telling this to him? Dear God, no, he can't be the father. Look at the kind of father Senior was, and still is, and all the other father figures in his life.

"Tony?" It's the trembling of her voice that finally brings Tony back to earth.

"Oh." Feeling weak at his knees, he has to sit down. "Is..?"

She bites her bottom lip and sits next to him. "It's... It's yours. I know you might not believe me, and I understand that, but... you're the only man I've been with after I... my... after my fiancé left me. I understand if you don't want to. I mean..."

Pushing his panic away, Tony finally looks at her properly. "Are you going to keep it?"

"Yes." She looks offended. "You don't have to do anything. I just thought you might want to know."

Tony shakes his head. "No. I didn't mean to make it sound like I wouldn't. It's just, I don't know if I can be a good father."

"I understand." She looks away.

He's suddenly scared for another reason. Come what may, but that is a piece of him in there, somewhere, somehow. How did that happen..? To tell the truth, that night is no more than a hazy memory, thanks to a few too many good drinks. If the kid asks how his or her parents met, they might be better off inventing a better story... He's been shot and hurt in so many different ways, he even had the plague, and yet he's never been this terrified in his entire life. Throw him in the middle of a battle where he could die any moment and he's fine. This situation now? It's beyond terrifying.

"If you'll let me, I want to be there." It's only then that he realizes he means every word.

Laura stares at him long and hard, as if trying to see whether she can trust him, which makes him nervous. Instead, her next question has nothing to do with that. "You trust my word? You're not worried I'm pregnant with another man's child and am lying to you?"

Tony shrugs. Not once did the thought cross his mind. "I'm sure by now you know what my job is. I'm trained to see things most people wouldn't. So yes, I trust you. Unless you're a very good liar, I can read you like an open book. We can later do a DNA test if you want."

"If I want?"

"I'm sure we'll know for sure by the time we see the kid. I mean, with my dashing looks, I'm sure we'll know with one glance." He grins and she laughs, looking much more relaxed, while Tony is starting to feel the panic slowly return. He isn't sure if he can even get up on his feet at this point. "So, how did you find me?"

Laura looks guilty. "My uncle is a cop and, like my dad, a former Marine. He helped me."

Tony grimaced. Oh great, another Marine. "Is he going to kill me?"

"What? Why would you think..? Oh. No, he was yelling at me for half an hour for being so stupid, but then he was hugging me, all excited about the baby."

Tony tries not to look, but his eyes keep drifting toward her flat belly. Thanks to Senior's usual neglect, it had been his frat brothers who well and truly gave him the 'talk' of where the babies came from, which is even now one of the most embarrassing moments of his entire life. Not that he had been completely unaware by that age, but there were many things he hadn't truly understood. His brothers had been very generous with their knowledge. A little too generous after a few drinks. He is not so naive anymore, but he still finds himself in awe at the thought of such a small being already in there. A piece of him. It's a scary thought and he has to swallow down the lump that's starting to form in his throat.

"So... Is there anyone else who is going to kill me?"

...

...

Tony didn't tell anyone at work, not even Gibbs. He made up some story of how she had needed his help and it wasn't his story to share. He knew of course that sooner or later his secret would be out. Like, by the time he had a child to take care of. But thinking about how they would start teasing or even taunting him for getting a girl pregnant, made him wish they would never find out.

After trying to trick him into spilling the truth for a while, the team finally left him alone. Gibbs, however, kept giving him odd looks for weeks after that, whenever the man thought he didn't notice. It made Tony paranoid and worry that his undercover skills were somehow lacking.

He most definitely didn't even breathe about this to his old man. As things were, he wasn't sure if he would let Senior be in his kid's life. It was one thing when the man kept throwing the same old crap at his own son, but when it came to the unborn child... Tony was becoming incredibly protective over that precious life and he knew he would not allow any of those things to exist in his kid's life. In fact, if he had to, he wouldn't hesitate to finally break things off for good between him and Senior. The son who was disowned, disowning his own father years later.

They were still not sure what they would do when the baby was born, but after talking about their options and future plans for a while, Laura moved in with him. It would help him to take care of her when she would have to stop working, but mostly it was because he had a better place and it was closer to both of their works.

Meeting Laura's uncle, the Marine cop, had been interesting to say the least. Mostly because the man was nothing what Tony had thought he would be. He was nothing like Gibbs and instead of beating up the man who got his beloved niece pregnant, the man took one good look at him and said the words Tony hated—You'll do—with the biggest grin on his face. Tony was still trying to figure out where he stood in the old cop's eyes.

Living together also meant getting to know each other and after a while it became obvious just how much they had in common.

Like Tony, Laura was pretty much alone in this world. Her uncle was one of the few people she was still close with. Everyone else had either died or abandoned her. She grew up with alcoholic father who had turned to a bottle after his career as a Marine didn't work out as he'd planned. She had never met her mother and looking like her mirror image guaranteed the man's dislike toward his own child. It all hit too close, which was why it took much more talking before Tony shared anything about his own parents, his childhood and life after it. What he didn't say, she could read between the lines, understanding what he didn't admit out loud, things only a fellow abused child could understand. They were two kids with broken childhoods. The baby was what united them, but the past was what brought them closer.

They became good friends, but nothing else. No matter the cost, they knew they would love and protect their kid, even if they ended up hating each other. The child would come first. They agreed to keep their fathers away from their grandkid since the risk was too great to give any leeway.

But then it happened, on that day when Tony could feel the baby moving under his hand for the first time. When it happened, it was nothing like their first time. There was no heat. No drunken lust. No pain that needed to be forgotten. It was awkward and almost shy, lips barely even touching, like two kids kissing for the first time. It was scary and afterward Tony buried himself in work for days, until the Marine uncle came to drag him home and ordered them to talk about their feelings.

...

...

"Do you think we could be good parents? People like us..."

Laura lifts her head from his shoulder with a thoughtful look on her face. "I don't know."

"I'm freaking out again."

"Don't freak out. Little bean will become restless and then I'll start freaking out."

Tony chuckles. After they had started calling the baby their 'little bean' during the early stages of the pregnancy, they now can't seem to get rid of it. They can't even come to an agreement on what to name him or her. "Fine. No freaking out."

She is now at almost seven months and the closer the time comes, the more they are stressing out. Being first-time parents and both lacking any self-confidence, they bought every book they could find about kids and parenting, researched the whole internet out of both good and bad information, and even decided to go to the professionals for some help and advice. Unfortunately, with their history and lack of childhood, nothing will help until they can actually try that whole parenting thing. At least they know what not to do, thanks to their own parents. Hopefully.

"Uncle and your brothers think we'll do fine."

After realizing that they do want and need to have more people in their child's life and since neither really have that many people they could trust, Tony finally called a couple of his closest frat brothers, deciding to first see how that would go before allowing anyone else in their new family circle, starting with those he trusts the most. Thankfully the brothers got over their shock and awe quickly and took over the role of surrogate uncles with far too much liberty. Who would have thought that two grown men know so much about babies?

"We've got to tell those idiots to stop bringing all that stuff over," Tony mutters as he looks once again at the indoor playhouse, which in his opinion takes over half of the living room. Not to mention, it will take a while before the kid is old enough to have any use for it.

"Let them be. They're happy for you. For us. And according to them, they're especially thrilled because it's you."

"They're going to spoil the kid rotten."

"And you love them for it. Admit it."

Tony doesn't admit anything, but his small smile is enough for her. She joins her hand with his over her baby bump. They are both anxious and terrified. In other words, they are happy.

...

...

It was only a week before all hell broke loose and crushed everything. A week before it happened was when they decided to take another big chance. They got married.

There were no big proposals, although Tony did later buy her a proper ring, which she called the college fund backup plan. It was their mutual agreement, over a simple breakfast early one morning, to get married. Neither one really needed a piece of paper from the government to see themselves as a married couple, but they did it for their child. Both wanted to give the kid that perfect childhood with white picket fence, with a mom and dad. Maybe even another sibling later. A dog. A proper healthy and loving family. Everything they didn't have. And so the worthless piece of paper suddenly became something important.

The wedding was as small as it could get. There was just the two of them, Laura's uncle, Tony's two frat brothers and the priest with the gentle eyes.

Her dress wasn't white and looked nothing like a wedding dress. The baby blue dress was the only thing that was both nice enough and still fit over her baby bump. She complained that morning how she was looking like a big fat whale, with angry tears in her eyes. It was the first time Tony realized she was beautiful, but he was smart enough to not say it out loud, knowing she would think he was just being nice and not taking his words seriously.

Having seen other brides planning their own weddings, Tony felt guilty. To make up for it, he was secretly planning a proper wedding after their little bean was bigger.

While their entire relationship since the beginning had been anything but conventional, and they were friends first and the romantic love came second, there were hardly any dry eyes at the wedding. A real Hallmark moment. Afterward they went to get some pizza, which the new wife so desperately wanted. She kept blaming Tony for her odd craving for pizza during most of the pregnancy. It was the happiest day for both of them. Only the birth of their child could beat that memory and they were getting even more anxious by the day. Anxious to finally meet their bean.

Then suddenly a week later after the wedding, Laura went into labor.

It happened in the middle of the night and she woke him up, in tears and naked fear in her eyes. Too afraid to move her himself, Tony called the 911. When the paramedics finally made it to the apartment, he looked ill and ready to pass out, and so at first they mistook him as their patient. They made it to the hospital without further issues and for a while the doctor had sounded hopeful. Everything could still turn out well and the baby might not even be born yet, which was good; a month too early couldn't be good. Not with his luck. Dear God, had he given his unique ability to get into trouble to his kid? He would have to DiNozzoproof their home and never let the kid outside.

When the doctor finally came back to him, he could see the truth on the man's face. There were some complications no one had foreseen. Tony didn't hear anything else after that. Every defense mechanism he had ever built up since his childhood went up and by the time he entered Laura's room, he was in a full undercover persona.

They had to cut their baby out of her and now she was dying. Tony hated seeing that almost serene acceptance on her tired face. He hated himself even more for being too much of a coward to admit to her that their baby was also dying. He wasn't sure if she could see the truth when they allowed her to see their small baby girl and even hold her for a moment. She did good; Tony made sure Laura knew that. He almost fell apart, choking on his words, as he thanked his wife for the most precious gift anyone had ever given to him. She died in his arms, smiling, and he could only pray that she never saw through his lie.

His little princess didn't live to see the day. Tony spent the remaining hours with his child, trying to not break down, while he memorized every smallest detail he possibly could. He never thought he'd end up using his investigator skills for something like this. He didn't even think about calling anyone, too scared to lose even one minute and choosing instead to spend that time where he was and talking softly to the tiny preemie. Someone might have asked him whether they could make any phone calls for him, but he was dead to the outside world.

At some point talking became too much and when a nurse walked by the room next time, she saw the precious sight of a father with his baby, singing softly. The song was 'Danny's song ', although he changed the lyrics by replacing 'son ' with 'child '. It was heartbreaking and no one dared to enter the room, but many kept walking by the room that night.

She died while it was still dark outside and for once Tony truly was not fine. He broke down.

...

...

"What are you doing here?" As soon as he lets that question out of his mouth, Leon Vance notices something is very wrong and as much as he doesn't want to see the man outside the work, he can't help the raising concern. His Agent looks haggard and his eyes... He looks lost and nothing like the DiNozzo he is used to seeing.

Tony frowns and then blinks slowly, too slowly, as if only now realizing where he is. His original plan had been to come talk to Vance at the man's home, so no one at work would find out just how messed up he is. That had been his only rational thought, but by the time he was ringing the doorbell, he couldn't even remember how he got there in the first place. Let alone where he is or what he is doing there. Not once did he even think that he could've just called.

"DiNozzo." Now Vance is really worried.

"Director?" Tony blinks more rapidly this time. Even his voice sounds off. For a man of his age, it is disturbing how childlike he sounds. "Right... I was going to... I need some time off."

Vance holds back his need to start demanding answers. "I see. Why?"

"Well, there's the funeral and..." Tony laughs. It's a hollow laughter and it sends a shudder through Vance.

"Whose funeral?"

Tony looks up. "My wife," he says that as if it's the most obvious thing.

"Your... what?"

"And our daughter."

Vance is dumbstruck. DiNozzo is married? And has a kid? He speaks out before he thinks it through, which is why he sounds accusing, "I didn't know you are married."

Tony stares at him as if he's the dumbest man to ever walk the earth. "Was. They're dead. Last night. I need time off. Have to arrange their... funeral."

Cursing himself, Vance winces. "I'm sorry."

"They're dead," Tony repeats and Vance barely has time to move, to catch him when Tony's knees buckle.

Vance shocks even himself with the gentle way he talks to the Agent he has never even liked, "Come on, DiNozzo. Let's get you inside."

"I'm fine," Tony mutters, but doesn't fight back when he's almost carried inside the house and to the couch. When Vance picks up the phone, Tony seems to come to his senses, even if for a moment. "Don't tell Gibbs."

In the end the impossible happens when Vance makes his Agent spend the night in his guest room. At one point he saw something in the man's eyes, which disturbed him, and he's unwilling to let DiNozzo be without supervision that night. Had someone told him only the day before that he would end up staying awake all night and babysitting DiNozzo, he would've thought it to be a very bad joke.

Next morning the mood is awkward and uncomfortable. Both men had done all the talking they had to last night and now there is nothing they could say anymore.

Finally the more emotionally stable one—Vance—mutters something ill-mannered and he forces a smile on his face when his Agent is looking ready to run. "Take all the time you need."

Tony flashes a weak but grateful smile and then practically escapes from the house, feeling horrified that of all people he had gone to Leon Vance. This one is going to come back and haunt him.

Not too many days later there's the funeral, a small one, and it's yet another reminder of how similar he and Laura really are. She only has her uncle to come send her off and some friends from work. Tony can't help but wonder if this is how his own funeral will be like; only few people to send him away, if even that, because he doesn't really have anyone and those who he does have, they all end up abandoning him one way or another.

At the end of the funeral, they have a surprise guest, Leon Vance. When he notices him, Tony at first thinks he is going to see Jackie, but then the man walks straight toward the fresh grave. There is awkward silence when the Director puts the flowers on the grave and he reads the names on the pristine stone; Laura DiNozzo and... "Princess DiNozzo?"

Tony grins weakly. "Pretty lame, right? She probably would've grown to hate that name and me for giving it. But she'll always be my princess. Couldn't... Can't think of any other name for her."

Vance hesitates and then he awkwardly pats at the man's trembling shoulder. Not quite a hug, but close enough. It's not like they are friends or anything. He had been going to see his own wife after this, but he knows Jackie wouldn't mind if he is late.

...

...

Vance agreed to tell the team the cover-up story, without a single complaint. Tony still couldn't believe that this imposter was his Director since last he checked they didn't even like each other. But he couldn't really complain, because with this they bought him some time before Gibbs finally snapped and tried to track down his Agent. As far as the team knew, their SFA was working undercover and it was 'need to know'.

After that, he went off the grit for a month. He didn't take anything with him, not a phone or even his car. Only some cash, a water bottle and the clothes on his back. The only people who had known of Laura and his daughter were worried, but with his grief just about killing him and still too raw, Tony couldn't find it in himself to care. He was at his secret getaway and it was that one place where he could let go of his control, knowing he had the peace and quiet to grieve without anyone watching or trying to offer him their sympathy.

He bought the place years ago, while still working as a Detective. It was a small mountain cabin and just to get there you had to be in a very good shape. He doubted his team would believe he owned a place like that; it didn't fit his image. Their many illusions of him were working in his favor now. He didn't have to worry that Gibbs or someone would suddenly storm in there, and if someone did, he'd notice hours before they even made it to the cabin, which was plenty of time to disappear again.

There were days when he didn't do anything besides drinking himself numb, while sitting outside in the old rocking chair, left behind by the previous owner.

Sometimes he wept in a way he could only do knowing he was alone and had no one to witness it. On such days he couldn't keep the food down, so he didn't bother eating. Often times that ended with him collapsing and falling asleep, wherever he was at the time. It was falling asleep, because DiNozzos didn't pass out.

At times, which he couldn't really predict, he started raging. At one point almost cursing the God Almighty Himself for doing this to him. Then he simply started crying again, trying to look at his life and see when he had committed such a grave sin that would cause this, and begging for forgiveness as he questioned his every action and every life he couldn't save during his long career.

On his good, but rare moments, Tony went fishing or cleaned up the mess he had made while drunk or when he broke things during one of his fits of rage.

When he finally made his reluctant way back, he spent that time rebuilding the Tony DiNozzo everyone was familiar with.

On his first day back to work, Gibbs gave one hard look at him, but since by then his everyday persona was tight and secure, the boss soon dismissed his gut feeling. When he welcomed Tony back, his voice sounded strangely gruff. The only one to see Tony's act for what it was—of all people—was the Director. And as he observed his Agent, who looked too normal and too happy with all bright smiles and jokes, Vance had a sudden revelation; he did not know this man at all. Had probably never known in the first place.

...

...

His phone is flashing farther away on the floor and he glances at it. It has been doing that almost nonstop for more than an hour now. He knows that keeping it silent and not answering their calls will only make them more worried, but he can't talk to anyone right now. He simply has no strength to face them, even if it is something so simple as answering his phone.

"I know they're worried. My brothers keep bugging me, even though they have their own lives to live. Your uncle is also grieving, but he's more worried about me. Vance is... He's been strange. Don't know what he wants from me, acting all nice. It honestly freaks me out. Even Gibbs is starting to notice and McGee is looking like someone stole his puppy... Don't tell Vance I called him puppy." Tony chuckles softly.

He is sitting on the floor and talking to himself, just like he always does lately whenever he's not working. Well, not really to himself; he's talking to the picture he's holding, the only one he has with all three of them together. He can't even remember if the nurse who took it was a male or female. He thinks it was a nurse. On the picture Laura looks both so frail and strong, with her arms around their little bundle of joy. She's looking so proud and like a mother. He's sitting next to her with his one arm around her shoulders and a hand over the baby's small head. Even with all his undercover skills, the camera had somehow managed to capture that split second where you could see the pain in his eyes, pure agony that's almost razor sharp to anyone looking.

Not for the first time, Tony wonders how long he can keep it a secret just how broken he truly is. He feels hollow and like a part of him died with them. He has to constantly try to remember such basic things as eating or that his alarm clock in the morning means he has to get up and go to work. He doesn't know what he would do if he didn't have his work. As much as he loves his brothers, they can't be there forever for him. Work is all he has now.

"It's all that's left of me, girls..." Tony whispers and his hand trembles when he touches the picture. He ignores his still flashing phone and instead picks up his guitar. Not for the first time, he starts playing and softly singing the song that had become his most beloved one. His last memory of his little bean.

"People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one. And we've just begun, I think I'm gonna have a girl. She will be like you and me, as free as a dove..."

— The End —