Disclaimer: Oregairu doesn't belong to me, all rights reserved to Wataru Watari.

I've taken an exceptional amount of imaginative liberty when writing this; so if there's anything that seems factually off, please let me know, so I can embarrassingly and discretely edit the chapter(s).

Prologue: Are You Listening?

The distraught he faced these days was of the haunting variety. Not the night terrors that Komachi used to have, though in comparison those seemed preferable. Hikigaya Hachiman spent the lonely hours of the evening in solitude as he always had, but found himself dreading existence rather than enjoying the tranquility that it used to give him. His mind was too occupied into trying to hastily justify and defend the lifestyle and ideals he had created. He never expected to explain and defend them to himself.

He spent his nights going stir-crazy; he would say that he was praying but he didn't condone to faith or any spirituality. He had undeniably been through better times, though he wasn't so illogical as to become an alcoholic or harm himself (yet, anyway). The Hikigaya Hachiman of several years ago would have called the current one a foolish man-boy, burned and brought down by the illusion that his youth and the world force-fed him.

He had bags under his eyes frequently, as a result of his frequent sleepless nights. He hadn't completely detached himself from his day-to-day life. After all, if he was to go through a crisis he'd most certainly prefer it in short bursts, and in the comfort of his well air-conditioned apartment. Small as it may be, it was comfortable and through the efforts of Komachi and his mother, it had turned from a sparse, spartan apartment into a cozy dwelling. Many people would consider the location not so ideal, as it's a little too far from the nearest station. It doesn't do much for aesthetic appeal nor scenery outside, but Hikigaya had pride in it. It was his home; after spending so much time with it, he held nothing but appreciation for it.

Looking at the time, he realized he wouldn't actually fall asleep at a reasonable time. Spending hours trying to sleep instead of actually sleeping wasn't his idea of time efficiently spent. At 3:41 AM, he could get some work done or prepare a late meal and still manage to take a nap before having to leave his building. Being a graduate student suited his lifestyle fairly well despite his partial resentment of academia. He had the advantage of going to classes that had nothing to do with mathematics or the sciences, and if he chose, could work an abominable amount of hours during the week for more underwhelming pay as a teaching assistant at Chibadai[1].

As he got up and swiveled his arm to switch the alarm function on his phone off, he caught a glance at the photograph frame sitting on his nightstand. He really ought to have got rid of it. He only kept it because Komachi had brought it from his parent's house a while back, and was more than upset when she found it away from his belongings. He was never the kind to keep tokens of the past around himself in the first place; not to mention the contents of the photo made his skin run cold.

To be honest, Hikigaya Hachiman didn't get rid of the photo for many reasons. He knew, deep in his psyche, that he was incapable of forgetting.

He was afraid that it would make those dreadful, boring, and undeniably best years of his life more meaningless.

"Hah. What are you two looking at? Without a care in the world." He briefly thought for a moment that talking to a photograph was going to break past the Hikigaya Hachiman Chuuni-Warn-O-Meter.

The photograph was illuminated by his still unlocked smartphone; a picture of Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and himself during their end of second-year highschool ceremony they held privately. Hiratsuka-sensei took the picture of the three: a bubbling Yuigahama sandwiched between the pensive and reserved Yukinoshita, and his own reluctant, grimacing self. Though, to his own defense, he thought that his expression was friendlier than it should ever be. If he cropped out his head, it would make a great photo to use on social media.

He spent a few moments looking at the photo, his highschool years rushing back to him. He never told Hiratsuka-sensei his thanks, as despite whatever grievances he expressed to her he was undoubtedly grateful for the Service Club.

He still didn't really care much for the people they had helped. He didn't receive any satisfaction from helping people out of the "goodness of his heart" as Yuigahama had. He wasn't even certain that their efforts made the school or students any better off. If Hiratsuka-sensei just wanted him to do something to occupy his time, then she had done it splendidly by spending no resources whatsoever, at least on the faculty's part. He wondered if it was okay that she treated him out to dinner many times when he was still a highschool student, and she a teacher.

He smiled and chuckled when he remembered the moment he broke down infront of his two clubmates. It was so embarrassing. So friggin' embarrassing he couldn't believe that he actually said all-of-that-in-person-to-the-people-he-saweveryday. He was convinced he cringed himself an inch shorter that night, but he was elated on the inside. Even Hikigaya Hachiman knew that there was an alternative to everything. It just wasn't something he tried to grasp

He missed those years. When he could royally screw up in academics and he would receive a slap on the wrist from Hiratsuka-sensei or a "shikata ga nai[2]" and a sigh from either of his parents when they saw his mathematic grades. He could make an absolute asshole of himself to resolve any issue anyone ever had, and began to pride himself on the fact that life seemed to become simple. He could solve everything at his expense; it was utilitarian by nature and he only got what he wanted out of it.

And then, he thought of his third year. The year that had changed his life, he believed. Arguably, the year that drove him to the state he was in today.

By now, Hikigaya Hachiman was sitting on his mattress, both feet planted on the ground, back hunched, and elbows resting on his thighs. He stared blankly at the wooden floor, trying his best to think of something else.

He tried to forgot that year. And at the same time, he remembered it so well.

"You're sitting too close to me, Hikigaya-kun. I'm not very comfortable with you right now."

"Oh. Sorry."

"…"

"…"

"Hikigaya-kun, why are you so faraway? Are you so insensitive that you don't even want to be close to the woman you call your girlfriend? You are truly a social idiot, aren't you?"

Hikigaya ground his teeth against each other as the girl he was seated next to started to laugh in her muffler. He was starting to think that the trip would be better spent if he had his earphones in.

"My, that's quite the expression, Hikigaya-kun. With your already rotten eyes looking like that, you look like you're going to reap the souls of young children."

He didn't give her comment a response, but soon felt two gloved hands on each side of his head.

"Look this way, so that you won't frighten the entire train." The gloved hands turned his head gently to his side, their owner's face inching closer to his.

He saw a warm smile and glint in the eyes of Yukinoshita Yukino, whose face was slightly reddened by both the cold weather and her flirting. She kept her hands on his face, staring deeply into him. His expression faded and his eyes widened. It was a breathtaking sight. This was a simple moment, but the emotions going through his mind could fill volumes of books. He was half-willing to write them himself, for this girl infront of him.

"T-That's enough… people will look." He couldn't believe it himself. He could feel his face warming. He was being reduced to this bashful highschool boy, the epitome of the rose-colored lens fool that he mocked for so long. And he was right; some teenage girls were making glances at them and whispering amongst each other. Nothing positive, he was certain.

"Does that bother you? You should be flattered you know. Most men of your caliber only see this thing in television dramas or romance novels." Her words were sarcastic, but he knew they held an ulterior motive. They were filled with warmth. The girl who was cold, calculating, and always reserved still spoke down to him, but never to insult him anymore. He knew that they were gestures of her affection now.

"It doesn't bother you?" He said the words slowly, thinking it a dangerous question.

His words brought a frown to her face.

"No. It doesn't at the slightest. It's perfectly normal for young people to do such a thing." Hoh, he thought. What an un-Yukinoshita thing to say. Public displays of affection would be something she would have hated not even two years ago. This was the power of a non-single Yukinoshita!

"Besides, Hikigaya-kun. I'm sure that the average person can deduce that I have the character to be involved with a man such as yourself." She grinned, taking full advantage of any opening she could have.

"Yeah, yeah. Keep talking it up, you ideal-ojousama."

He treasured this relationship beyond anything else in his life. He wasn't so certain he would ever dissolve his worldview, but he knew that he would lose all limbs and sanity for this girl. As corny and ridiculous as it sounded to him, he would die for her if it meant she would be safe and happy. Though, she had started to work on grinding out his idea that he wasn't worthwhile. He was "happy", even, that she thought he was worth valuing. They had met halfway with each other, that there was a succinct way to get results without having to use somebody as a scapegoat. Well, at least not either of them, as she had foxily put it.

"Have you spoken with your family about our plans for the winter break?"

"I have. They were… well…"

When he told his family that not only was he dating a girl, dating Yukinoshita Yukino, and that he wanted to spend winter break by bringing her home and spending some time with her…

Komachi rocketed off the walls and into Jupiter. His mother cried in relief and his father pat his back with a look so approving that Hikigaya feared it would remain frozen that way into old age.

"They don't have any issues with it, so long as you don't mind sharing a room with Komachi."

"Mm, I see. That's good. Yes. I have also spoke about it with mine, and they trust me enough."

"Ah, so Yukinoshita Yukino has finally built up a good reputation with her parents?"

"Actually, they trust nee-san to dig you a grave in Gibraltar if something goes wrong."

!

Well.

Alright then.

"You don't have to look so afraid you know. It was only a half joke." Yukinoshita smiled coyly at him.

She fidgeted in her seat before speaking again. "And… I never thanked you, Hikigaya-kun."

"Thank me? For what, exactly?"

"This was your idea, was it not? You had asked me to spend the winter break with you, moments after I said I would be staying home by myself. Were you even thinking when you offered?"

Honestly speaking, he wasn't. He just wanted every opportunity to spend with her. Every damned moment of romantic nonsense that he had condemned for years. None of it mattered in comparison to the idea of being able to spend the duration of the winter break with her. At the comfort of his own house, even!

"Ah… well you don't have to thank me, really." His hand moved to rub the back of his scalp.

"Hm! Who said I would thank you? I simply stated that I never thanked you in the first place!" Her comment brought smiles to both their faces. He could tell that the two of them would never get bored of each other, even if they were old and crusty seventy years from now.

He was fond of his dreams. Of being the house-husband to his beautiful, witty wife.

"Ah, Yukinoshita... remind me again, when are you coming back from this trip?" He knew the answer. She sent a text about it a week ago. He just wanted her to tell him anyway.

"In four days. Nee-san's performance will be held in Rome, and my mother and father are already there. I will have to spend at least a few days with my family during the winter break, Hikigaya-kun."

Right. Yukinoshita Haruno's great orchestral debut in Italy. Yet more proof of her prodigal-like talent and skill in... everything. From the looks of the webpage and venue, it looked worlds beyond the high-class that he had seen on television. Naturally, she would want the entire family to be there. He was tempted to call it boring and drab, but his girlfriend seemed legitimately delighted to go to Italy. He wouldn't trample on her excitement by bad-mouthing the trip.

That's the entire point of this train ride, come to think of it. He had helped carry her luggage and went to see her off at the airport.

"You're quiet today. Quieter than usual, anyway. Is something wrong, Hikigaya-kun?"

His silence only served in pulling her forward.

"...Will you miss me when I'm gone, Hikigaya-kun?"

Obviously, she was only saying it to get a response from him. Too bad it worked every time.

"It's just four days." He wouldn't give her all the satisfaction in the world.

She pouted, disappointed at the response.

"…but you will call me at night?" He would, actually.

"Of course. Every night, before you go to bed." She beamed up to him. He was starting to think that it was worth spoiling and feeding her every tiny desire.

They had enjoyed the remainder of the train ride in silence, and soon Hikigaya found himself pulling both carriages of luggage through the airport, in a vain attempt to show up infront of Yukinoshita. She didn't mind, of course. She got the benefit of not having to carry the weight and bask in the satisfaction that he would dedicate even something as small as this for her. He had never questioned her. If he ever called any girl or woman "stuck up" for taking advantage of chivalry that it seemed people were so eager to give, he made an exception for this one person.

They were standing at the gateway. Admittedly, Hikigaya was hoping it would take longer for them to find it, but the passengers were already starting to have their luggage checked and boarding the plane.

"Hikigaya-kun, earlier… about thanking you."

"You don't have to thank me, like I said. I'm happy that you accepted." He still had his trouble admitting things like that openly, even still. She thought it was a sign of his ignorance and detachment to the world at first, now it was just charming.

"No, that isn't right. I don't think you understand how much it means to me. Truly, I want you to understand that."

The sudden shift in Yukinoshita's speech got his immediate and entire attention. He saw a flash of a determined look before she reverted back to her regular expression.

"You… you said that your younger sister and parents wouldn't… be home for a weekend, is that correct?"

"Ah, right. They're taking Komachi out to Kobe to some relatives. They said they'd leave some money and groceries for us while they're gone."

He knew she was going to say something when she took a deep breath as discretely as possible. Yukinoshita Yukino was preparing herself.

"Then… if you don't mind…"

She got close. Real close, so close that he could feel her chest against his and her breath was touching his ear and-

"I'd absolutely love to thank you when we're by ourselves, Hikigaya-kun." She made extra effort to sound husky, so it came out forced and voided any practical attempt at seduction. Not that Hikigaya Hachiman noticed any of this. He was too busy having his brain process what she just said, and trying to stop his heart before it drummed out of his torso.

"NO! I don't mind really but I mean I guess if you want butImeanitskindofearlynotthatimsayingnobut-"

She laughed at his expense, this one and occasional time. And how could she? They had just had their first date and kiss not even three months ago, and it ended up as complete disaster.

"My, that's actually really disturbing, Hikigaya-kun. Just what were you thinking of now? I feel that I should be afraid for my well-being, but I'm also feeling slightly apologetic. I think I just mislead you into the wrong idea." She gave him a wink that looked too much alike her older sister. Yukinoshita Yukino, why were you also born with the "Playful" trait from your family?!

A subtle cough behind them took them out of their reverie. Yukinoshita was next in line to pass through the gateway.

"Go on ahead; I'll put your things through."

She nodded, going through the security check as a female attendant began patting her down. Hikigaya lifted the admittedly really heavy luggage bags onto the belt, though he couldn't really complain as his mind was still racing from earlier.

And then, the moment he had wished wouldn't come was approaching. Yukinoshita was cleared for the flight and was beginning to pick up her luggage. He wanted to help her bring it on the plane, really, but a pane of glass was between them at this point. He waved to her, a subtle good-bye smile on his face. He was anxious for her to come back, even just seconds after she was leaving.

Yukinoshita waved back, but stopped suddenly. She turned to the security guard closest to her, mouthing words that he couldn't read. The guard looked to him, then back to her and nodded his head. She soon briskly jogged out of the gateway, and embraced him.

"Goodbye, Hikigaya-kun. I'll call you when I land."

She placed her hands around his head, meeting his lips with her own. The kiss was different than the others. They both agreed that physical gestures of affection weren't necessary from either party, so they seldom kissed. This time, however, he was certain she wasn't reserving any effort.

The separated after a few seconds, faces flushed. They were ignoring the smiling looks of the people around then, only paying attention to the other.

"Enjoy yourself, Yukinoshita. Tell Haruno I said hello."

"…Yukino." Her eyes pierced into him.

"Hm?"

"I want you to call me Yukino, when I come back. I want you to start calling me Yukino, and… I'll call you Hachiman. If that's acceptable with you of course." She looked down, unable to meet his eyes when she asked this of him as if it were difficult.

Why should it be difficult?

"Okay. Then, enjoy yourself, Yukino." He said it clearly, without hesitation. Nice! There would definitely be an affection points bonus for that one!

She beamed up at him, and with one final embrace, walked back into the gateway and soon away from his sight.

Hikigaya Hachiman exhaled deeply. He had planned on spending the next four days playing some MMO Zaimokuza had recommended, but had a feeling it wouldn't occupy his mind deeply enough. Four days was not a long duration by any means. He could probably eat and sleep consecutively for four days if he wanted.

Even so, it felt too long for him.

With that final thought, Hikigaya started off for home with his girlfriend in his thoughts.

He was disillusioned in himself. He had no issue writing and mouthing off to anyone that would bother to listen to him before about how youth was a sham. Love and affection was only given to those with innate talent or charm with them. People without it weren't meant for things of the sort.

If anything, Hikigaya Hachiman was convinced that he was even further detached from the world. He had seen the joy, felt the warmth of somebody's affection that wasn't just the goodwill of his parents or Komachi. He wasn't void of happiness, but he certainly didn't expect it from other people. His cynical view was being shattered daily.

For it to stop so abruptly, after Hikigaya was more than willing to foolishly tear down his walls as if the American president Ronald Reagan had addressed him to; he knew he had been right from the beginning.

"Yukinoshita, if I could say anything…"

Yet here he was again.

Back at the point where he ended up every night.

His phone read off at 05:56. Nearly six in the morning. According to his ever-reliable sidekick, his smartphone, it would be approaching 11 in the evening in Italy.

It had been hours after Yukinoshita's flight landed. He had considered for a moment that there was a delay in flight, though he was certain she would text him when she knew. Alternatively, maybe an issue with luggage on arrival? Or maybe she was so busy with her family that she lost track of time or had forgotten to call.

Though he knew better, Yukinoshita wasn't the kind to forget to call. And certainly would make time in between family matters to give him a quick phone call, usually. Though disappointed at the lack of a phone call, even upset since he had stayed up all night to receive it, he left it that she was exceptionally busy.

His phone lit up, and he leapt across his floor and bed to get it off his desk. Unfortunately for him and his now probably bruising knees, it was only some social media notification.

Funny, since he was certain he turned it off. Even funnier since he never followed this particular account. Hilarious even, since he doesn't even have an account on this service to begin with.

SXC_ITAORC – "We are sorry to announce that due to an unexpected emergency with staff, Saturday's concert held by the Japanese orchestra from Chiba has been cancelled." 1m ago

"Huh?"

Cancelled? As far as he could remember, this venue was reserved months in advance, from what Yukinoshita told him. Even if some of the instrumentals were removed, they would be able to find replacements fairly easily.

He held back on calling Yukino for the entire night. There were no such things as patient people. Only those who were impatient and those who had more tolerance. But at this news, he was curious. Hikigaya immediately dialed the most common contact on his phone.

It didn't even ring, it went straight to voicemail. She changed her greeting, he noticed. She definitely tried to make it sound more friendly; probably at Yuigahama's request.

"Ah, Yukinoshita. I just read about the concert having been cancelled. Give me a call back when you can."

…

Not even a dozen minutes after he left the voicemail, he looked through his contacts to find the one person he was vehemently advised by his girlfriend NOT to contact. After a few dial tones longer than he expected, the line picked up.

"This is Yukinoshita." The voice was hollow. He heard this before. It sounded like his own, years ago. In the eye of the storm in his "awakening" of thinking that the world wasn't as good as it was painted. Except this voice didn't… no, shouldn't belong to her so easily.

"It's Hikigaya. Sorry I'm calling so late."

"…"

"…"

He was expecting every introduction and verbal stab from Yukinoshita Haruno the moment he called her. She said absolutely nothing. He couldn't even hear slight movements or the background. It was dead quiet.

"...I saw the announcement made by that Orchestra account. Did something happen? I don't-"

"Hikigaya-kun… you weren't made aware..?" It sounded more like a realization than a question.

Before he could ask, the call had disconnected. More appropriately, ended. She hung up on him.

What was going on? How was it this hard to get an answer from somebody?

"If… there was one thing I could say."

His chest started beating harder. He started to feel light headed, and vision was blurring. He hated it. All of it. If suited men in black came in and erased his memory, he would leap at the opportunity.

Almost once every week, this happened. He was pathetic. He would let that moment define his entire life.

It was approaching 8:00. His parents and Komachi were awake, and preparing breakfast. The first day of winter break seemed restless, since Komachi would be home for the day.

The droning of the television downstairs didn't help his curiosity. His father often watched some of the most politically charged channels available on the air. Though it seemed like it was talking about some incident. Probably another traffic incident or suicide in the city.

A shriek came from Komachi, along with a sharp gasp from his mother. He could hear his father muttering under his breath.

He started walking down as he heard it. Komachi would react to anything, but his mother wasn't one to react to television, especially the news of all things.

"What's going on? Why are you all around-"

"PLANE DISASTER: ITALIAN FLIGHT FROM TOKYO DISRUPTED. SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS IN PROGRESS"

…

…

…

What is this?

He couldn't see his family come around him; he couldn't hear his father telling him to sit down, or his mother trying to give him hope, or Komachi switching from looking at him, looking to the TV, and starting to weep and sob.

He had trouble remembering that day, or that week for that matter. He briefly recalled the news worsening throughout the day, the hope for any miscommunication in news being discarded as more information came about.

He remembered the phone call he got from Yuigahama that day. He didn't pick up, and she left a voicemail. She sounded desperate. She was asking him where he was, but tried her best not to sound hectic in case he wasn't aware yet. She called to let him know she was coming over for an "emergency".

When she arrived, he couldn't figure what to say or even what she was saying. He felt her cry against his chest, softly pounding against his shoulder with her small hands, while his family did nothing but remain quiet. After a while she started to get louder. She was complaining to him, about why it had to happen. He had no response to her, or anyone else for that matter. Yuigahama was losing herself next to him and he didn't even say hello when she came in hours ago.

In the days to come, he would have seen the grief of everybody else had he not been absorbed with his own. The cries of Komachi and Yuigahama on the way to the funeral. The silent tears of Hiratsuka-sensei as she refused to stay away from his side, incase he had broken down. Her two parents, mother especially, had weeped the most. It took her husband and another relative to pry her away from the casket before they could bury it. Even Yukinoshita Haruno, whose eyes had dulled and face red from the tears that came out of her. She never made a noise; she stared at the casket for so long and so intensely as though her younger sister would come back to life if she did so.

Hikigaya Hachiman noticed none of this. The entire time, he was only thinking of her. He had wanted to tell her something so badly. He desperately wanted her to listen to him again.

He was a fool. "Nincompoop" was a compliment to him, if Komachi had ever said anything truly hurtful.

He laughed to himself, amidst tears forming in his eyes. "Youth" was an illusion, he had said. He wasn't sure if his words were right or if this was the world's way of mocking the contradiction he had briefly lived. If there was a Creator, they were bent on giving him nothing, and taking away whatever he thought he wanted.

He was better off not falling in love with Yukinoshita Yukino. He wishes for it, more than anything. He had wished that he hadn't told Yukinoshita and Yuigahama his feelings that day. He had wished that Hiratsuka-sensei had never even forced him into that damned Service Club to sate her own desire of making students "better people," though he couldn't begin to resent her for it, but he certainly tried for a long time.

Being right wasn't comforting to him. He never argued for the sake of being a winner. He never fought his way to be a winner to begin with. He was perfectly content with what he had, and never asked or thought about asking for more than what he got.

He took a deep breath, staring back into the photograph.

He wasn't going to make it, if he kept on like this.

To hell with his studies or employment; he knew that throwing himself off of a roof would be an option that would cross his mind if he kept himself locked in this. It terrified him that the thought had even reached his mind. He wasn't weak. He wasn't vulnerable. He desperately told himself that he was not suicidal.

"Yukino."

He said it to nobody in particular. Not even to a Yukinoshita Yukino who might be looking over him in the afterlife she believed in. He just wanted to say her name. The name she told him to say when she would come back.

No, she won't come back. Thus, she was still Yukinoshita.

He was tempted to place the photo down against its face, so that their faces weren't staring back at him. He appreciated Komachi's attempt to motivate him through nostalgia. Unfortunately all it did was torment him.

But he was too cowardly to toss the photo into the bin. Despite his wishes to forget everything, he didn't want to forget anything. He didn't want to relinquish anything. In his fit of indecisiveness, he got up from his bed and wiped his eyes. He would have to get up in a few hours anyway; he may as well not go to sleep and shower now.

He hoped that the hot water on a hot summer morning would be the farthest thing from that cold day when she left.

.

.

.

What a ridiculously dumb amount of words for a prologue. (´ー`)

I'm pretty excited to start the first chapter. I'm motivated to not leave this as a concept drabble!

It's fairly clear as I'm going through it, but I eluded finding a beta again. I have "prologue" excuse(?), but maybe if I get more invested than I think I'll be, I'll have to hunt down for one ;_;

The pairings are a giveaway to what I want to head towards, in terms of characters.

Thanks for making it this far.

1. Chiba Daigaku, or Chiba University.

2. "It can't be helped." - A fairly common saying.

EDIT: Although judging by how many grammatical errors and NAME (Thank you for pointing it out) errors I've made, maybe a beta ought to be the first thing I should look for. Also, minute edits have been made to clear up some wording or consistency issues.