Hurt - Chapter 34

Rated: T

Visions

Chapter Summary: Leo confides in Splinter about his visions.

Another one shot that had to address something that didn't particularly fit anywhere else.

"Sensei?" the voice was broken; not one Splinter associated with his eldest son in the least. It was a cry for help, one he knew Leonardo was never keen on using if he could help it.

This was the same boy who he worried about greatly since the passing of his second-eldest, Raphael. The one who was seemingly so unmovable; the same one he made leader but it was only since Raphael was taken brutally from this world when Splinter began to notice the cracks in Leo's facade. The pain Leonardo held back in order to appear stronger than he actually was - it hurt painfully to see it happen…

Splinter could do nothing but hold on to his remaining children so fiercely, so tightly in fear of losing them too. Fear was not something he was at accustomed to - meditated and trained tirelessly to let go of…but it hit him harder now. He was instead doing everything in his power to keep his children safe and in good spirits even if it was a near impossibility at this point.

…It still didn't mean he couldn't try…

"What is it, Leonardo?" Splinter asked; voice small and terse as he looked up from his seated position toward his eldest son.

"I, um…I…" Leonardo's voice quickly dissolved almost as soon as it appeared.

"Are you alright, my son?" Splinter's thick brows furrowed as he watched Leo.

Leonardo frankly looked terrified; almost lost for the remainder of the time he still stood near the entrance to the dojo.

Splinter was sorely tempted to approach to see exactly what may be the problem but Leo beat him to it. His son moved almost zombie-like toward his seated father before finally stopping a few feet in front of him.

"I…I'm seeing Raph…" Leo breathed out a second later as he collapsed to a seated position on the worn tatami mat.

From the closeness now, Splinter easily picked up the shaking in his hands and the quivering of his shoulders. Vibrant blue eyes dulled and red rimmed from either crying, stress, or lack of sleep but Splinter believed it was all three.

That wasn't what astonished him most though - it was his frantically-spoken words.

"...I'm sorry, what?" Splinter couldn't help but ask; not bothering to hide the confusion lacing his tired voice.

"Raph… I see him everywhere." Leo confessed; gulping and Splinter watched his Adam's apple bob with the motion.

"In my peripheral when I'm on my patrol. A-As if he's running by my side. It's either a flash of red or emerald green like his skin used to be. Maybe even the glint from his sais. I-I-It's driving me crazy! B-But every time I've been curious enough to look, there's never anything there. It's just like being chased by a ghost or just my vivid imagination b-but just the other night, I kept seeing it. Just something in the corner of my eyes and I didn't want to at first, but then finally, I looked!"

Leo gasped for a second, hands shaking as he grasped at his temples with green fingers. "…he was right there…" the turtle finally breathed out, chest heaving with his erratic breathing.

"..." Splinter listened intently, holding his breath as if it would deter him from absorbing every single syllable Leonardo stuttered out.

"...Raph was right there, Sensei." his breath came out quick and fast; his eyes not really looking at anything but more lost in his head as he finally confessed. "Standing on the rooftop of an adjacent building. He was just - looking at me. …it was as if he was right there made of flesh and blood - alive…warm... Even his mask tails were moving with the wind! It…it was so real…"

Splinter felt his heart twist in his chest as he listened to Leonardo's words; his mind's eye picking up exactly what his son was telling him. Desperately wishing he could see what Leonardo had seen if only for the opportunity to see his red-banded son alive again…even if for only a split-second.

"Raph didn't say anything; just stood there. He was…smiling; eyes brighter and skin healthier than I could ever remember it being…" Leo breathed out and seemingly without his knowledge, twin trails of tears began leaking from his cobalt eyes, darkening his blue mask as they slipped down his sharp cheekbones and onto the worn mats beneath.

"For a second I really believed he was there, dad…" Leo's voice broke as he continued, "…that perhaps these past months were a dream and…maybe he never left us - but as soon as I blinked, he was gone as if he was never there at all. It was as if died all over again."

Splinter stared at his son for a long time; desperate to reach forward to pull him into a hug, brush away the constant stream of tears but he found himself frozen. To say he was confused by his son's visions were a sore understatement; they spoke of a higher spiritual awareness Leo had never showcased before this moment.

The comfort that suddenly washed over him was the most positive thing he'd felt in a long time…

Before he even realized he moved, Splinter's arms were wrapped around Leonardo's trembling shoulders; holding him as tightly as possible. Brown eyes closed tightly and allowing a few stray tears to drip down his furry cheeks and upon Leo's smooth dome.

"...Sensei?" Leonardo whimpered into his kimono.

"You are so blessed, my son…"

Leonardo didn't answer; pulling away from the embrace and staring up at him with the saddest blue eyes Splinter recalled seeing in his eldest child.

"What do you mean 'blessed'?! This is a curse, Sensei! Having to see my dead brother mocking me? Basically telling me from some other plane that he's disappointed that I didn't protect him? I wouldn't call that being blessed - that's the damn opposite!" Leo cursed; spatting out his anger with flaming eyes.

Splinter grew silent. More shocked at Leonardo's sudden anger and the pain lacing his tattered voice.

"...you believe Raphael is upset at you? Why would he blame you, Leonardo? You did nothing wrong…no one did."

Leo stared at him for an insurmountable amount of time. Mostly keeping silent aside from a few trembling breaths and tears that seeped out whenever he was forced to blink.

"I was supposed to protect him dad…I'm the Leader; the leader protects, shields, and guides…and I failed him. I should have been there. I never should have trusted him to train or help April to do patrol on his own…and because of that…" Leo whispered.

"…he's gone…"

"...It wasn't your fault, Leonardo. It was I who put him in charge of Miss April…I was the one who believed she was ready and allowed her and Raphael to go patrol alone. If anyone is to blame for Raphael's death, other than that Foot Soldier who delivered the blow…it's me. You have no blood on your hands. It was no fault of your own took your brother's life. It was carelessness on my part and Raphael's protective nature that ultimately took him from us. It was not your fault…"

"B-But…" Leo tried to argue but Splinter quieted him with a firm hand on his shoulder.

"...I believe that is why Raphael is appearing to you my son." Splinter confessed.

"...what?" Leo's voice was no louder than a mere whisper in a hurricane.

"I think Raphael is basically telling you that wherever he is, he is okay. Appearing to you happy and healthy - not dead or decaying. Smiling and alive like you remember. I think in his own way he's telling you…that it's going to be alright. Perhaps showing himself to you knowing how much you blame yourself - and how you shouldn't."

Leonardo's eyes fell; teary blue eyes focused on his lap as if staring off into some far off abyss.

A silence infiltrated the spacious room and the only noises were their combined breathing. It was a calmness almost; a sense of peace and understanding that neither had felt in what seemed to be an eternity.

"...do you really believe that?" Leo asked, voice tense and body loose as he finally met his father's eyes again. So much hope lacing those eyes; a desire to be told that that was indeed the truth.

Splinter remained silent for a moment; desperate to tell his son a resounding "yes" but something still held him back.

An almost jealousy that his son was seeing these beautiful miraculous things; seeing Raphael alive and well when Splinter's dreams and nightmares were plagued by the images of his dead son's body. Cold and lifeless, unresponsive when touched and spoken to. Images he never wished to see but haunted him regardless. Perhaps that was his punishment for his part in Raphael's death.

To be forever plagued with the harsh reality his carelessness as a Sensei ultimately cost him his beloved son's life. To be forever haunted by the images of his deceased son, to scarcely remember him in life aside from a few precious pictures he was able to procure through the years.

It was simply maddening to live with…but it was his burden, and his alone, to bear.

"...Yes." Splinter finally answered; paw heavy as he placed it upon Leonardo's shoulder. Gently squeezing his son's cool flesh and was harshly reminded of the bitter cold flesh of Raphael's when he touched his dead son those many months ago. Splinter quietly and gently removed his paw; hoping none of his agony was showcased and by Leonardo's hopeful face, it appears he was successful.

An almost smile rose on Leo's lips; one Splinter hadn't seen in what may as well have been forever. A sense of calm and hope that lifted the weight off the world off his over-burdened shoulders. Seeing it was in a strange way his own sense of peace. That perhaps his eldest son would finally be able to start moving on; that perhaps appearing to Leonardo was Raphael's way of easing his worries and helping him go forward instead of remaining stagnant in grief.

"Thanks dad." Leonardo suddenly spoke; bowing slightly in reverence before standing to his feet and leaving the room with a head held much higher.

Splinter watched silently as Leonardo left; the softest knock of wood as the door slid shut behind him. Brown eyes glued to the spot for the longest time before he blinked; the image of his dead son still there as it always was since his death. Re-opening his eyes, he hoped he'd see what Leonardo had spoken about…

…perhaps one day he'd be fortunate enough to see it for himself…